Agreed! She really thinks she is THE authority on baby loss, doesn't she? Queen Elle is back on the scene to tell us, once again, all the things we're doing wrong.
What she fails to recognise is that people really have no idea what to say but they are desperate to say something, anything to fill the air and try, try, try to be there for you. It's a horrific situation and in an effort to be supportive and "help" people often say the wrong things. My brother lost his wife last year unexpectedly (pre-covid) and at the services, people said all sorts. Sometimes they were the absolute wrong things to say, like 'everything happens for a reason' or 'this is part of God's plan', and those sorts of statements can grate on you when you're grieving, but it's important to realise that people are trying to do their best and support you in the ways they know how, and that is really worth a lot. Be gracious that they are there for you, even if they don't always say the 'right' things. Elle wouldn't know how to be gracious if it hit her on the head.
I've had people say those things she lists as wrong to me, and it didn't anger me at all. Quite the opposite, in fact. I was so glad people wanted to be with me when I was at my worst, especially friends who were pregnant (when you are around someone who has lost a child and you're expecting it's some scary tit, but I was lucky none of my pregnant friends ever abandoned ship because they felt uncomfortable). I also realised that so many people had no idea what I was going through so couldn't possibly know the "right" things to say, you can imagine it, but until you have lost a child it's impossible to really know that pain, same goes for losing a spouse or a sister or brother or any other number of losses that happen when people are 'too young'. Those same people would never read Elle's book, not because they don't care about baby loss, but because her book is for people who are either her 'fans' or people who have also gone through baby loss. I agree that her book was full of stuff like this: "More people should have been there for me, but when people were there for me they said the wrong things." That's not helpful and frankly, it's insane to have these impossible expectations of people. It speaks to her entitlement and her idea that she is better than everyone else and knows ALL THE THINGS about baby loss, so listen up peasants. Most people are fixers by nature, we want to make things better, we want to fix things when they go wrong, and often when we feel like we can't fix something, we say something instead and it's not always the right thing but it's always coming from a place of love and care. Can you imagine being her friend and being asked to live up to these insane and unattainable standards of perfection? Perhaps that's why some of her friends weren't there for her after such a profound loss. I've had the exact opposite experiences in life, both in my own loss and when family or friends have lost someone. People flock to you to support you because the loss is so big and painful. There might be a person here or there who can't manage the uncomfortableness of loss, but most people are desperate to help in any way they can. Why didn't people flock to her side? Could it be her? Just a thought.
