Fallen out with friend of 17 years

[Instagram Sham]

Why can’t you just ask your friend of 17 years about her birthday party and if there’s a reason why you’re not invited now? If you can’t be honest with someone you’ve been close to for that long then you can’t be honest with anyone :/

would save you all this worry and concern too

honestly, because when I last tried to resolve the issue the response was ‘Christ, you’ve laid this on me when I’m trying to work’

I feel like I’m treading on eggshells and might make the situation worse.

 

[rainbowlemon]

Such a long story but here is a condensed version. Friendship group of 4. I don’t get on with one girl who has been bought further into the group; she has very strong/controversial opinions. I’m a public sector employee and at the start of lockdown she was saying we should be sacrificed to keep her and her colleagues well paid city jobs going. I found comments like this insensitive. I have two small children who she also seemed happy to risk for her benefit; it felt like a kick in the teeth.

my best friend (also in the group) for some reason really sticks up for this girl, thinks she is misunderstood and always talking about her ‘kind heart’. I’m afraid I don’t see any of that. I think she’s a grade A tit stirrer who once at a party spoke to my husband for ages about how she has friends who after having babies said they loved their kids more than their partner. Then asked my husband if he loved the kids more than me. Fucked Up. I bite my tongue A LOT to not create any tension but there has been one big thing that I have struggled to get over with her and I think resentment has bubbled away beneath the surface for some time. She has consistently spoken Ill of an old school friend who has had fertility problems and multiple IVF rounds, miscarriages and a stillbirth. It’s a horrific situation which I hope I never understand - it’s a hardline for me not to witch about someone like this - however she has consistently done just that, despite repeated requests not to. She herself has recently miscarried fairly early..... to my best friend I made a comment along the lines of ‘this is why I never liked (insert old school friends name) being talked about - you never know when you might need comfort yourself dealing these kinds of issues) - she bleeping blew up at me, told me I’d bought drama to her house etc. I was gosmacked

It’s my best friends birthday on Friday and I now find that I haven’t been invited. I’m really upset as we had talked last week and resolved things to draw a line under, could move forward.

The other girl hasn’t been invited either and I guess I’m upset about the idea that we’re both being considered as bad as each other. 6 of one and half a dozen of the other.

We’ve been friends a long time. 17+ years. I’m gutted. Have 2 small children and don’t have very many friends and so this group are a huge part of my life. She has been a key part of so many important events in my life so yeah. I’m gutted. Now feels like things were getting back on track and it’s derailed it again.

Am I an awful person? Should I have said nothing? I feel like a mug for all the hospitality I have shown them over the years and for how much I value the friendships when they clearly don’t have the same value to others.

Honestly you haven't done anything wrong. I had something very similar with someone who was also friends with my best friends. As painful as it is leaving the pair of them alone is the only thing I can suggest.

 

[bobthedragqueen]

honestly, because when I last tried to resolve the issue the response was ‘Christ, you’ve laid this on me when I’m trying to work’

I feel like I’m treading on eggshells and might make the situation worse.

That says far more about your friend of 17 years than it does you. Friendship is a two way street.

 

[Overitnow2020]

I know this is of no use to anyone but to be honest your best friend sounds like a bit of a knob too!! If she can't have an adult conversation with someone she's been friends with for many years I'd leave her to it quite honestly. I know it's incredibly hurtful and upsetting but she isn't exactly being a good friend.

 

[Raininvain]

honestly, because when I last tried to resolve the issue the response was ‘Christ, you’ve laid this on me when I’m trying to work’

I feel like I’m treading on eggshells and might make the situation worse.

She shouldn't be speaking to you like this, its really disrespectful and nasty.She doesnt sound like a very caring and kind person and if she wanted you at her party then you would be there.
I'd leave her to it, sounds like she might be trying to be so nasty that you fall out with her.

 

[Laur91]

honestly, because when I last tried to resolve the issue the response was ‘Christ, you’ve laid this on me when I’m trying to work’

I feel like I’m treading on eggshells and might make the situation worse.

on what grounds would you consider her one of your closest/best friends? If she hasn’t got the time for you and you can’t talk to her about certain things then is it just a friendship of convenience because of the time you’ve known each other?

it’s very sad but she doesn’t sound like a great person or a great friend.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

I would tell your friend you know about the party and hope they have a lovely time and be genuine about it. I would defintely be hurt if a good/best friend did this to me.

But on the other hand I kinda understand where your friend is coming from. I also hate drama and when you have two friends in a group who are constantly bitching about each other it becomes draining. This year has been stressful enough as is and she most probably feel that either one/both of you will “ruin” it by moaning.
What I would suggest is having your friend over and have a little celebration by yourselves. Take the opportunity to explain how you feel about “imposter friend” but promise that you will let it go and turn a blind eye to her remarks. This is if you feel you would like to keep the friendship.

It might sound harsh but I had two friends who didn’t get one and honestly they botb ended up losing the friendship group because it is really very draining when you are listening to people moan about each other. Especially of you like both

 

[I’m telling]

Ok, this is harsh
have you considered she does not value you as a friend?
if she always defends ugly behavior and never stands by you? Yeah, she’s not your friend
That response to this is why you never judge, yeah she’s not your friend.
I'm sorry, but for friendships there is often an expiration date. And you know what happens to stuff once that date passed..

mourn the friendship. I have one, probably the best friend I ever had, stopped treating me as an equal friend. She became wealthy and took in a lady of the manor attitude. So I get it. We are still acquaintances but the strong friendship is gone. I miss it but it’s not healthy.
good luck sweetie