bobthedragqueen
Well-known member
That says far more about your friend of 17 years than it does you. Friendship is a two way street.
- Notice
Overitnow2020
Member
I know this is of no use to anyone but to be honest your best friend sounds like a bit of a knob too!! If she can't have an adult conversation with someone she's been friends with for many years I'd leave her to it quite honestly. I know it's incredibly hurtful and upsetting but she isn't exactly being a good friend.
Instagram Sham
Well-known member
Such a long story but here is a condensed version. Friendship group of 4. I don’t get on with one girl who has been bought further into the group; she has very strong/controversial opinions. I’m a public sector employee and at the start of lockdown she was saying we should be sacrificed to keep her and her colleagues well paid city jobs going. I found comments like this insensitive. I have two small children who she also seemed happy to risk for her benefit; it felt like a kick in the teeth.
my best friend (also in the group) for some reason really sticks up for this girl, thinks she is misunderstood and always talking about her ‘kind heart’. I’m afraid I don’t see any of that. I think she’s a grade A shit stirrer who once at a party spoke to my husband for ages about how she has friends who after having babies said they loved their kids more than their partner. Then asked my husband if he loved the kids more than me. Fucked Up. I bite my tongue A LOT to not create any tension but there has been one big thing that I have struggled to get over with her and I think resentment has bubbled away beneath the surface for some time. She has consistently spoken Ill of an old school friend who has had fertility problems and multiple IVF rounds, miscarriages and a stillbirth. It’s a horrific situation which I hope I never understand - it’s a hardline for me not to bitch about someone like this - however she has consistently done just that, despite repeated requests not to. She herself has recently miscarried fairly early..... to my best friend I made a comment along the lines of ‘this is why I never liked (insert old school friends name) being talked about - you never know when you might need comfort yourself dealing these kinds of issues) - she fucking blew up at me, told me I’d bought drama to her house etc. I was gosmacked
It’s my best friends birthday on Friday and I now find that I haven’t been invited. I’m really upset as we had talked last week and resolved things to draw a line under, could move forward.
The other girl hasn’t been invited either and I guess I’m upset about the idea that we’re both being considered as bad as each other. 6 of one and half a dozen of the other.
We’ve been friends a long time. 17+ years. I’m gutted. Have 2 small children and don’t have very many friends and so this group are a huge part of my life. She has been a key part of so many important events in my life so yeah. I’m gutted. Now feels like things were getting back on track and it’s derailed it again.
Am I an awful person? Should I have said nothing? I feel like a mug for all the hospitality I have shown them over the years and for how much I value the friendships when they clearly don’t have the same value to others.
my best friend (also in the group) for some reason really sticks up for this girl, thinks she is misunderstood and always talking about her ‘kind heart’. I’m afraid I don’t see any of that. I think she’s a grade A shit stirrer who once at a party spoke to my husband for ages about how she has friends who after having babies said they loved their kids more than their partner. Then asked my husband if he loved the kids more than me. Fucked Up. I bite my tongue A LOT to not create any tension but there has been one big thing that I have struggled to get over with her and I think resentment has bubbled away beneath the surface for some time. She has consistently spoken Ill of an old school friend who has had fertility problems and multiple IVF rounds, miscarriages and a stillbirth. It’s a horrific situation which I hope I never understand - it’s a hardline for me not to bitch about someone like this - however she has consistently done just that, despite repeated requests not to. She herself has recently miscarried fairly early..... to my best friend I made a comment along the lines of ‘this is why I never liked (insert old school friends name) being talked about - you never know when you might need comfort yourself dealing these kinds of issues) - she fucking blew up at me, told me I’d bought drama to her house etc. I was gosmacked
It’s my best friends birthday on Friday and I now find that I haven’t been invited. I’m really upset as we had talked last week and resolved things to draw a line under, could move forward.
The other girl hasn’t been invited either and I guess I’m upset about the idea that we’re both being considered as bad as each other. 6 of one and half a dozen of the other.
We’ve been friends a long time. 17+ years. I’m gutted. Have 2 small children and don’t have very many friends and so this group are a huge part of my life. She has been a key part of so many important events in my life so yeah. I’m gutted. Now feels like things were getting back on track and it’s derailed it again.
Am I an awful person? Should I have said nothing? I feel like a mug for all the hospitality I have shown them over the years and for how much I value the friendships when they clearly don’t have the same value to others.
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I'd be really hurt and angry tbh - regardless of this other woman - if you are best mates for 17 years I'd expect an invite or at least the courtesy of an explanation.
I think I'd ask her why you're not invited. Personally I'd be pissed off if my best mate just excluded me, I think its a clear message that she's annoyed about something. But maybe I'm overthinking it! Either way I think you need to ask her so this doesn't escalate.
I think I'd ask her why you're not invited. Personally I'd be pissed off if my best mate just excluded me, I think its a clear message that she's annoyed about something. But maybe I'm overthinking it! Either way I think you need to ask her so this doesn't escalate.
Magee
VIP Member
Why not suggest something for her birthday for just the both of you plus the kiddies? You could bake birthday cupcakes together and then maybe go on a walk with her, stop for a coffee and homemade cake? I wouldn’t even bring up the birthday thing, I’d respect her decision, move past it and show her you still want to be friends.
Raininvain
VIP Member
She shouldn't be speaking to you like this, its really disrespectful and nasty.She doesnt sound like a very caring and kind person and if she wanted you at her party then you would be there.
I'd leave her to it, sounds like she might be trying to be so nasty that you fall out with her.
Laur91
VIP Member
on what grounds would you consider her one of your closest/best friends? If she hasn’t got the time for you and you can’t talk to her about certain things then is it just a friendship of convenience because of the time you’ve known each other?
it’s very sad but she doesn’t sound like a great person or a great friend.
Definitelyme
VIP Member
I feel so bad for you, knowing the other 2 are invited. I was excluded from a group of friends many years ago after having a baby and it was heart breaking.
Nothing we can say will really help, you are rightly hurt by her actions. But if she were truly your best friend, she wouldn’t treat you this way.
After I was excluded from my friends for about a year I had none. No friends at all. Now I’ve made a new, lovely group of friends who I can see are so much better for me. When I look back the relationship in my old group wasn’t healthy.
Nothing we can say will really help, you are rightly hurt by her actions. But if she were truly your best friend, she wouldn’t treat you this way.
After I was excluded from my friends for about a year I had none. No friends at all. Now I’ve made a new, lovely group of friends who I can see are so much better for me. When I look back the relationship in my old group wasn’t healthy.
Instagram Sham
Well-known member
it helps that someone empathises, thank you. It’s such a complex issue - children are a blessing but it’s hard work - especially so at the moment; a 1 and a 3 year old and limited places we can go/people we can see. I think that makes it hurt all the more. On two occasions I’ve been told ‘your so lucky... don’t let this upset you, enjoy your amazing life’ or words to that effect
I am grateful for my lovely husband, house, children, job etc but it’s not just luck - we create our own fortunes to a-certain degree and it doesn’t mean that children don’t have days where they don’t listen to you, or spend all day beating each other up.... it’s not all sunshine and rainbows! I only went back to work in September and had been on maternity leave since June the previous year. We’ve been together every day and although I’m so lucky , it’s doesn’t mean that sometimes I get a feeling in the pit of my stomach when it just feels like Groundhog Day. Friends are what gets you through and so I feel sad that I don’t have that support at the moment, especially when even with young kids I’ve always made sure that I’ve had time for them.
Thank you. Have been really beating myself up wondering if I said something heinous; I was so careful to not come across like ‘i told you so’ and was horrified that I might have missed the mark. I suffer with quite bad social anxiety so this kind of thing is just my worst nightmare for over analysing all the potential errors in my behaviour.
I think I just need to let the situation develop and not take it to heart. Have a conversation about it when things are a bit more normal and hope too much time hasn’t elapsed for it to be salvageable.
Laur91
VIP Member
Why can’t you just ask your friend of 17 years about her birthday party and if there’s a reason why you’re not invited now? If you can’t be honest with someone you’ve been close to for that long then you can’t be honest with anyone :/
would save you all this worry and concern too
would save you all this worry and concern too
Peaches_xox
VIP Member
I don’t think she’s left you out on purpose. I agree that you should do something separately with her and just keep the friendship going. Often friendships drift because you both think the other one has a problem and nobody does and it’s over something small.
New girl sounds like an idiot! And with regards to what you said, about this is why I didn’t like talking about the old friend because you never know what’s going to happen - I agree and you’re right to say it, maybe best friend blew up because she thought it was insensitive but I’m sure when she really thinks about it she’ll realise you’re right in what you said xx
New girl sounds like an idiot! And with regards to what you said, about this is why I didn’t like talking about the old friend because you never know what’s going to happen - I agree and you’re right to say it, maybe best friend blew up because she thought it was insensitive but I’m sure when she really thinks about it she’ll realise you’re right in what you said xx
Instagram Sham
Well-known member
Not yet. I’m supposed to be seeing her on Thursday/Friday. I found out this morning through a mutual friend. It’s just the three of them invited - I know itsounds silly but we have celebrated every birthday, Christmas, my kids birthdays (Since they were born) every year for the last 17 years. It has always been the four of us, then this other girl was bought in (not by my choice) now the original three and going out and I’m excluded. It’s not the FOMO, just more that I feel a mug for placing so much value on this relationship when clearly I’m easily not invitedHave you spoken to her about why you weren’t invited? Is it anything to do with the rule of 6? Even so, would you have ordinarily been in that 6?
Instagram Sham
Well-known member
thank you. That advice does really help! I feel quite isolated as the only one of the group with children and the social interaction I get from these friends is really important to me. The third friend organised the guest list apparently so I guess I’m upset that I don’t have clarity on whether she doesn’t want me there (like I said we have kind of sorted it) or whether it’s being made into an issue by others.
lockdown etc has been hard on everyone and I guess maybe the issue is being magnified. I’m really upset by the whole situation and find it hard to not dwell on things like this.
Instagram Sham
Well-known member
honestly, because when I last tried to resolve the issue the response was ‘Christ, you’ve laid this on me when I’m trying to work’
I feel like I’m treading on eggshells and might make the situation worse.
JoeBloggs
VIP Member
I agree, is it because of the rule of 6? And maybe instead of picking one do you’ve she’s picked neither.
I find people like this cause a lot of drama and rather than people saying anything, as they should, they appease these people for an easy life! I also find eventually these people upset someone one too many times and get phased out. New people can come in and cause chaos in friendship groups and then walk away as they enjoy the drama.
I’m sorry your friend has treated you like this. As you haven’t really got anything to lose right now I’d be honest with her, explain you feel hurt and want to understand what’s going on.
I find people like this cause a lot of drama and rather than people saying anything, as they should, they appease these people for an easy life! I also find eventually these people upset someone one too many times and get phased out. New people can come in and cause chaos in friendship groups and then walk away as they enjoy the drama.
I’m sorry your friend has treated you like this. As you haven’t really got anything to lose right now I’d be honest with her, explain you feel hurt and want to understand what’s going on.
Instagram Sham
Well-known member
It was mooted as an idea before the row so I knew it was happening. As we had discussed it already - I had known it was happening and know that I have been uninvited.
I’ve given years of hospitality, care and love. To be excluded really hurts.
Based on this, I'm thinking the 3rd friend decided not to invite either of you because:The third friend organised the guest list apparently so I guess I’m upset that I don’t have clarity on whether she doesn’t want me there (like I said we have kind of sorted it) or whether it’s being made into an issue by others.
option a) both of you being there might cause another row
option b) only one of you being invited would make the other feel excluded and ganged up on
I wonder if your friend of 17 years even knows you haven't been invited? It sounds like the third friend in the group took the easiest route (for herself) to avoid any possible issues by leaving you both out of the celebrations. Just another perspective to consider.
I like the suggestion that you and your friend do something alone to celebrate, but there is still the option to ask her if she opted not to include you in the main celebration (if you feel comfortable doing so) because it may well be that the others in the group made that call and not your best friend.
Raininvain
VIP Member
I think I would probably leave it and let the friend you like come to you. You rarely get a honest answer when you call someone out on something and people really don't like it either.
The other woman sounds to be very jealous of you/others?. What I've found is that if someone's a real trouble causer and bad mouths people is usually down to jealousy. I'd have nothing more to do with her and your husband should have walked away from her when she was being nasty, not just continued talking for ages with her.
Nothing really tends to be forever, maybe its time for you to spread your wings and move on from this friendship/group and meet new people? especially when all this covid stuff is over.
The other woman sounds to be very jealous of you/others?. What I've found is that if someone's a real trouble causer and bad mouths people is usually down to jealousy. I'd have nothing more to do with her and your husband should have walked away from her when she was being nasty, not just continued talking for ages with her.
Nothing really tends to be forever, maybe its time for you to spread your wings and move on from this friendship/group and meet new people? especially when all this covid stuff is over.
I agree, you should ask why you aren’t invited. You have obviously tried to clear the air and it doesn’t seem like this has been reciprocated. Why should you be the one doing all the work. She knows you aren’t going to be there and should be wanting to know why. My best friend of 20+ years fell out with me. I tried to sort it out and she didn’t want to at the time as she thought she was in the right. I’ve always been really soft but that was the final straw for me. We were never the same after that and don’t speak at all now.Sometimes friendships come to a natural end. Try to be strong.