Eva in the City

[sheleg]

Eva and Alen have had another baby girl! So happy for them.

 

[Open-door]

Very happy news. Delighted for them - it must have been a very stressful pregnancy and labour. Let's hope this little one is allowed to be herself and not in Olive's shadow.

 

[SueB]

I noticed today she had set her Instagram account to private - or maybe she's just blocked me, I don't know. I do worry about her but Alan more as I'm suspecting he's having to suppress a lot of his grief in order to be able to fulfil his work responsibilities.

I feel in many ways that Eva hasn't accepted her loss. I know from when I lost my daughter's twin, the pain increased terribly Ince I accepted she had gone, but only then did I start to heal.

 

[Snazzycat]

I'm actually finding a lot of her content quite disturbing to watch. I think she would be better off not being on social media and like others have said going back to work or volunteering.
I don't think buying clothes or Christmas presents for Olive is healthy and ultimately won't make Eva feel better, there are many ways of keeping her memory alive but the buying of material objects just because it's olive green or has her name on it seems futile to me.

 

[Open-door]

Her stories are now showing a cute (toddler size) cardigan that she is 'going to get Olive for Christmas'. Just wrong on many levels. I begin to worry about how another child, if she and Alen have one in the future will suffer emotionally, for being in the shadow of this mythical Olive.

 

[Open-door]

I feel a bit mean for being even remotely critical of anyone suffering genuine grief after two bereavements and especially after a still birth, which must have been so traumatic. But. Am I the only one who feels Eva is becoming totally self absorbed in her grief rituals and needs help? She doesn't seem to be working or doing anything to give structure to her days - I assume poor Alen, who is also bereaved, though I appreciate he didn't actually have to give birth, is supporting them both financially. To be honest, I know Ukrainian refugees who have witnessed mass slaughter of husbands and children who are appearing more functional and motivated to try and heal. I do feel for Eva because she is a really decent young woman but it does feel as if she is being allowed to sink into total self absorbed depression.

 

[sheleg]

I was told during grief counselling when my partner died that there’s a point when you have to switch gears with grief, recontextualise it after the initial shock and mourning. Otherwise it “stagnates” and poisons everything else in your life.

Losing a child (and a parent at almost the same time) can’t be compared to losing a partner, but I hope Eva is getting some sort of counselling that would gently suggest to her that it’s time to find another focus. Not to forget Olive, but to start functioning again.

 

[OppositeFeature]

Made me really happy to see her news! I don’t know what it feels to go through what they did, and I do not mean to be insensitive if I am, but I hope the new baby helps ease the heartache just a little bit. I can’t imagine what she felt like walking out of the hospital with the pram this time.
Really happy for them.

 

[sheleg]

He seems pleasant enough. He just dresses like a dictator in a dystopian YA novel.

 

[Open-door]

I feel Eva presents as getting worse. Six months in, she is obviously barely functioning and in high levels of distress, which is depressing to watch. I find it a little disturbing that she frequently refers to Olive as a living presence, ascribing thoughts, actions, personality traits to her when, sadly, she never lived, so it is all a fiction. The grasping on to 'messages' from Olive is, I guess a common reaction for many people in grief but her explanation for the number of the nail polish being a message from Olive was a real stretch. I feel it makes Eva a real soft touch for exploitation.

 

[Open-door]

She definitely needs to do some volunteer work and seek therapy. Being by yourself 24-7 when dealing with grief is the worst .

I agree. Having some function (other than this mythical Mummy bear she is stuck on) might improve her self-esteem. I question the use of the 'therapy' group she is in. Seems to be just reinforcing her destructive thoughts. She needs a proper therapist who can deliver tough love. It isn't a bad thing to be distracted from thoughts of grief and Olive by everyday concerns - life goes on - as long as there is also room to acknowledge her grief from time to time. She seems to have problems controlling intrusive thoughts and some CBT would probably help here. But going out buying pandas for a dead baby is not healthy and nor is sitting at home 'being kind to myself'. Poor Alen - this must be a nightmare.

 

[declinespecificinformatio]

I hope Alen is OK too.

 

[call.me.coco]

I hope Alen is okay.

Eva heavily relies on him. She struggles on the one day he’s at the office. You can imagine the constant calls/messages as she had shown in a previous vlog.

He strikes me as someone who internalises things. I just hope he has someone he can talk to about all of this.

I think going back to work will help Eva. Even if it’s for 1-2 days a week from home. It would give her day some structure and introduce some normality.

 

[sidgeno8771]

I think if her mum hadn't passed, he would've eventually broken up with her. She's always seemed really needy and kind of selfish, and I could see that being draining over time. I'm sure he's a nice guy, although I bet he's a bit of a know-it-all.

I think Eva said that the wedding was already planned before her mum passed away, as they had to consider whether to postpone it or not when she passed. So it seems that they would have got married regardless.

Whilst Alen does have quite a severe look to him with his shaved head and style of dressing, I think underneath it he seems like a sweet guy. It must have been a huge emotional burden supporting Eva through her grief the last few years.

 

[thisregistration]

I’ve just seen the new video. It is heartbreaking. She is so adamant that she doesn’t need help, tablets or counselling. There is absolutely nothing wrong with needing support! I got her message as ‘ I’m grieving, I don’t have mental health issues’ - to me it’s absolutely not a sign of weakness & I truly believe it’s such a challenging time mentally that it’s advisable to speak to a professional. I think she is which is amazing.
She is very defensive though.
And while 100% agree there is no right way or timeframe how and when to grieve I think if you are not feeling better this is a time to seek for help so I hope she will continue.
I hope she finds peace, Allan too

 

[sheleg]

I feel bad for starting a thread on this note, but I’m absolutely gutted for Eva and Alen. Their baby was stillborn.

 

[thisregistration]

I honestly think that what would help her more than therapy or medication is having a project or purpose to fill her days and focus her thoughts.

I agree that a combination of therapy & work/project would be good.

from what she has been showing us so far feels like she is full time grieving, that’s the only thing she does.
No, it would magically not made her feel great, but lack of purpose/goals makes you dwell on life and your situation.
And if she is grieving to the point she can’t work at all then yes, I believe medications could help stand on the feet ( speaking from personal experience).
She is seeking help which is amazing, really is, but still I got her monologue as being so defensive that she doesn’t have mental health issues- but if you can’t function really then seems to me it is a mental health issue caused by loss of beloved. Nothing unusual or shameful to struggle after the loss. Hopefully she has a good therapist that will point her in the right direction.

 

[perksofbeingmoi]

She definitely needs to do some volunteer work and seek therapy. Being by yourself 24-7 when dealing with grief is the worst .

 

[poopettemetis]

I think we got through an entire video without her mentioning Olive. But we did have like 10 minutes about how she was maybe probably going to dress up her kid to go outside

I don't have kids and I know everyone grieves in their own way, but I find her constantly talking about Olive as if she is still alive a little strange. I know she talked about feeling uncomfortable with people commenting that the new baby is going to always feel like she's in Olive's shadow, but honestly, it's a real concern.

 

[Open-door]

I was told during grief counselling when my partner died that there’s a point when you have to switch gears with grief, recontextualise it after the initial shock and mourning. Otherwise it “stagnates” and poisons everything else in your life.

Losing a child (and a parent at almost the same time) can’t be compared to losing a partner, but I hope Eva is getting some sort of counselling that would gently suggest to her that it’s time to find another focus. Not to forget Olive, but to start functioning again.

Firstly, I'm sorry for your loss. Secondly, I don't think there is any 'priority' of people who it is heart-breaking to lose. A partner is different but every bit as much a loss as a child or parent. I totally agree with your insight about switching gears. Grief can become self-indulgent and I do feel Eva is in need of some 'tough love' in getting her to function as something other than a bereaved mother.

Did anyone think her reply to someone’s DM was a bit much? Almost bullying in my opinion! I felt sorry for the poor soul who thought they were just trying to help!
I was really cringy to see the message on her stories!

I didn't see it but I can imagine. Eva has made comments repeatedly which seem borderline hostile to people plainly trying to lift her spirits who don't buy into her particular narrative of grief.