Emotional Affairs

[judgejohndeed]

He even tried to sleep with her on his gf's birthday

This is shocking! Can't you send an anonymous note or something? I'm actually shook that someone has been able to hide this for 11 years as well...nobody is safe

 

[Vegasbaby33]

The situation I was in would have gone on a lot longer, for at least another year or so had I not come to my senses and ended it- most men won't end things until they think they'll get caught. He sounds similar re any time away from the partner/opportunity is spent with her, in fact if I'd have allowed it mine probably could have gone on for that long, a year was bad enough! It sounds like your friend still has hope that she'll end up with him, plus the addiction and intoxication of it can be hard to give up...she may not want to, particularly as it's been so long. It's sad for her as such a long time to waste on someone clearly not deserving of it, but she must have her reasons. Ending it would probably kill her (not literally but you know what I mean), she's spent all those years in that bubble, the heartbreak is probably too much to bear, so you carry on convincing yourself there's more to it than there is. As for him, why would he end it, he doesn't care who he's hurting & has gotten away with it for so long

What, the gf would be better going too along with your friend, they are both being strung along, they should form a pact and leave him on his ass!
He won't marry one and won't leave a relationship for another, he is a very lucky boy neither of these girls have ended up pregnant.
Men are pigs, my husband did say that one of friends used to leave football early and go to his side piece, shower and come home and his wife was none the wiser as of course you shower after.

They certainly are...it astounds me how they can do it, mine didn't even shower sometimes and go straight home...makes me feel sick. (And yes before anyone jumps on their high horse I had a part to play in that but can we get past that now). I thought the same re pregnancy and sti's they play with fire but that's part of the thrill I guess

 

[judgejohndeed]

It's not 'pro cheating' to be anti name calling someone who is just answering the thread

 

[MrsBsDayOff]

Oh come on. You can’t be serious? What you’re doing is scummy and that’s my opinion. You’re totally disrespecting your partner and this guys wife. They deserve so much better. The truth will come out, it always does but I just hope they’re not destroyed by the truth.

I thought it was a reasonable question. Wasn't comparing myself to MLK, but a previous poster said anyone who cheats is scum. When I pointed this out they clarified "in the context of relationships they were scum". I have at least 4 family members who've cheated in full blown sexual affairs, 1 is a nasty piece of work, 2 are ok but not great, and 1 is a great person. I don't think their adultery sums up the whole person. I'm not justifying their choices just saying I know the people long enough and had enough experiences with them to judge their character, and life's a bit more complex than that.

 

[Vegasbaby33]

Just stumbled across this thread. I find it hard to understand how some can accept cheating- emotional & physical affairs. All the lies and deceit, how do you truly trust again. I know ending a relationship is so hard, but how do you get past the fact that your partner invested in someone else? Particularly with emotional affairs- I think they are worse as there are feelings involved. From experience, what I've read etc, it generally seems that the woman goes through hell for years trying to forgive their partner, and it makes me so upset because I think but he's the one who cheated, hurt, disrespected etc, yet it seems it's the woman who pays the most (in cases of male cheating). How is the relationship ever the same & do you ever really forget it happened Depends on the nature/length of the cheating I guess. I could potentially forgive a drunken one night thing, but conscious, calculated long-term deceit, I couldn't get past. I almost admire women who can.

 

[Gossgirl12]

That’s really sad, but even if he left his gf she’d never be able to trust him she knows what he’s capable of x

Oh agreed. If they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.

 

[judgejohndeed]

Wow - you seem like a really empathetic and intelligent person...


Ignore them - they clearly have an agenda of 'all cheaters are bad, evil people' and are not open to any kind of discussion.
I enjoyed reading your comment, but was hoping you and Steve would end up together

The first comment was obviously sarcastic if you read the other posts from this user, and the second person did end up with Steve - she says they've been together for 10 years at the end of her post?

Yes of course there's a lot more as to why women stay, just as there is a lot more as to why women cheat themselves/get involved with attached men

This is very true. I have a colleague who stays with a very rich husband who has had many affairs (that we all know about, he's not discreet) because she just doesn't want to downgrade her lifestyle, and she's pretty open about that.

 

[CrazyGiraffeLady]

Can you give an idea of the content?
I'm a little shocked he was texting while on his honeymoon that time should be exclusive.
This doesn't seem right.


I'm sorry you went through this, its the most heartbreaking and damaging thing imaginable.
I understand why you are staying, it's easy for people to say otherwise but like everything there are layers.
I really hope you can begin to trust again.

For me I couldn't and years later I'm no further on
I wanted to try after the 1st time for many reasons including, I loved him, a mortgage we had just taken, my mental health had been serverly affected, I was (as I now know) love bombed and made promises, my parents had divorced, I wanted to not be them and as sad as this is I didn't want the other girl to think she had won.

Unfortunately the trust was so broken it was a real struggle, I would be OK for periods and then something would trigger me and I'd be back reliving things, anything like watching a movie and someone finding a text would send me backwards.
I'd stop having sex as a way to protect myself, I would have this image he was thinking of her while we had sex and it would make me sick.

I got pregnant, another layer added, and then here I am in the same situation. I don't believe men change, I think it's their nature, if it's in them they will continue to do it.

this actually makes so much sense to me, I’m 37 weeks pregnant as well so another layer added. We have a house and other kids it would have been a massive upheaval splitting up and then shared access at weekends etc. I understand completely about tiny things triggering and then it’s a bad few days while I clear my head again.
I had exactly the same thoughts about her “winning” she’s actually said to a few of my friends she’s gutted because she expected to be a step mum to my child. I do think that people can change and even if we had split up I’d probably still have the same issues in the next relationship I doubt they’d just vanish.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

Patronising isn't necessary. We can all voice our opinions as we see fit. Underhanded comments about 'please seek help' are just petty.

We have our own moral codes that we then judge others by - thats life some are more outspoken than others, and less tolerant. Again, thats life. Its not a case of right or wrong. (Unlike cheating obvs lol).

 

[Gossgirl12]

This is shocking! Can't you send an anonymous note or something? I'm actually shook that someone has been able to hide this for 11 years as well...nobody is safe

They speak via snapchat (says it all), easily hidden. They are also from different areas, he used to live in our area before he met her so that's how they know eachother. He moved to a different area when he met her so there's no mutual friends at all. I'm the only one who knows aside from them. She's told me so much that I don't think she's hidden anything because I've heard some shocking things. I also don't think he's been with anyone else but her because being in a long term relationship, you don't really get much free time and the free time he does have seems to always be spent with my friend. He speaks to her all day while he's working, they speak at night when his gf is in bed, and they see eachother quite often. I don't know how he's not been found out or how his gf hasn't been suspicious but they've never come close to being caught as far as I'm aware.

Do you not lose respect for your friend after all this though?

100%. However, I've been friends with her since I was 5. I'm now in my early thirties. She's been by my side through everything I've been through in my life as I have her. I've told her that it made me think a lot differently of her and I was very disappointed in her when I initially found out about this but she has never been anything but an amazing friend to me, she's part of my family, I'm part of hers. I couldn't lose her friendship over something that's not directly affecting my life.

 

[Titntat]

I'm in a similar situation. A senior at work is very flirty, tactile and sometimes inappropriate. I think, its their general persona but its awkward af.
Luckily I don't have to see him very often.

Well I see mine all the time, were in the same friendship group. My partner always says hes got a thing for you, I just laugh it off. It's not like he hides it either. Always buying my coffee, bottles of pop and dinner. To make it more weird he didnt chip in when I had a baby. That raised alot of questions .

 

[Begborrowsteal]

At the minute I'm biding my time, need some thinking time, but it's not going to work. There is no trust, just hurt and disrespect. I worked through the last time as I didn't want to throw everything away and I was being told it was nothing as you know.
Even less hope while they continue to work together.

I'm so sorry x

Get your head together and then when you're ready, walk away with your head held high!

 

[Vegasbaby33]

Yes of course there's a lot more as to why women stay, just as there is a lot more as to why women cheat themselves/get involved with attached men, and some don't knowingly enter into relationships with attached men either. I'd love to believe life is as simple as is made out here with regards to infidelity but if it was, there surely wouldn't be so much of it and so many complicated relationships. You can believe it or not have empathy for the person being cheated on, the person doing the cheating and the other person! Says more about a person if you only consider one side of an argument and label all cheaters/'other people' as scum, morally wrong etc, in my humble opinion

Yes, a bit Mills and Boon It's a long story, and every time I think about it I'm right back there. It was cool, and it was Spring. The OP asked for people to share their experiences, not for people to come in here and shit all over each other.

Nah you're just scum love thanks for sharing your story, like I say, always more to a situation.

 

[Gossgirl12]

I’d say there is a level of commitment issues in this case or delusion?

I'm the one who posted about my friend being involved with someone for 11 years. She seems to be completely head over heels in love with him, but in my mind, she is deluded because if he hasn't left his partner for her in 11 years, he's never going to. From the messages I've seen, I'm convinced he's obsessed with sex. Has a problem. His gf seems to be very vanilla whereas my friend says she isn't, she's very adventurous when it comes to sex, she's dressed up for him and done many things that I suppose some men enjoy when it comes to sex. I've told her that all this will ever be is sex but of course she has feelings now & he says he does to. It'll go on forever the more she goes along with it. That makes me sad for her, she's hung up on someone who won't ever commit to her but if I was the girlfriend, I'd be questioning why he hasn't committed to me with at least a ring after 11 years.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

He's made it clear that he won't leave his girlfriend, he said he has to much to lose. They have a mortgage and he's really close to her family. She has dated other people but nothing serious, a few flings here and there and he gets jealous when he hears about it. He's absolutely having his cake and eating it. My friend once said he said he felt like he was living with a flat mate/friend rather than his girlfriend. But in my opinion, he's stringing her along and will never be with my friend. He says he's never had a connection with anyone else like he has her, whenever he gets free time he's with my friend, he went on his girlfriends brothers stag do and ended up sleeping with my friend before going home to her. Whenever his gf goes away, he's with my friend. It's just crazy. I can't get my head around it. 11 years


Apparently, he doesn't want marriage, his gf does. He wants kids one day, his gf doesn't. They seem pretty mis matched in that respect.

Jesus, thats all so awful!

 

[SnarkyTart]

You come across as an unhinged zealot. No one is asking for your forgiveness here. We answered a question on a thread. You chose to open and respond to a thread that clearly triggers you. I say this with kindness - seek help.

 

[Gossgirl12]

What, the gf would be better going too along with your friend, they are both being strung along, they should form a pact and leave him on his ass!
He won't marry one and won't leave a relationship for another, he is a very lucky boy neither of these girls have ended up pregnant.
Men are pigs, my husband did say that one of friends used to leave football early and go to his side piece, shower and come home and his wife was none the wiser as of course you shower after.

He would definitely deserve to be left on his own. My friend is obviously very much in the wrong here too of course but she won't listen to a word I say. She says she understands why I feel the way I feel but because I'm not in it, I don't understand. She's had 2 pregnancy scares already. If it happened, then unless she had an abortion, it would blow right up in their faces. He's a rugby boy, so there's been many a time where he's told his gf he's going to rugby but sees my friend or goes to rugby and sees my friend after. He even tried to sleep with her on his gf's birthday he just has no respect whatsoever. I feel like my messages get worse the more I type. I know so much that it would be extremely easy to get his gf to believe me but I just can't get involved in that way. I've thought many times about telling her but have always talked myself out of it out respect to my friendship.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

@Begborrowsteal i am currently going through the same thing. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I decided to try again after his affair but not a day goes by I don’t think about it. And I make it worse for myself, re-reading messages we sent on days I know he was with her at lunch or something (they worked together) it’s like I want to move on but my mind won’t let me and I’m getting really worried now that I just honestly can’t get past it. I have tried being angry, talking things through, crying, being rational...but here I am 6 months later still thinking about it a few times a day.

Here if you want to chat!

Im only 2 weeks in I had to read hundreds of messages to find out the truth, its all stuck in my mind. Its horrid. We have 2 young kids as well. We were due to get married next year, and I was supposed to be trying on wedding dresses yesterday. Its like ive been living with a different man

 

[Gossgirl12]

@Gossgirl12 have you ever asked her what she thinks is going to happen? Does he tell her he’s going to leave the girlfriend? Has she dated other people in that time or is she ‘loyal’ to him? Sorry for all the questions, just interested

He's made it clear that he won't leave his girlfriend, he said he has to much to lose. They have a mortgage and he's really close to her family. She has dated other people but nothing serious, a few flings here and there and he gets jealous when he hears about it. He's absolutely having his cake and eating it. My friend once said he said he felt like he was living with a flat mate/friend rather than his girlfriend. But in my opinion, he's stringing her along and will never be with my friend. He says he's never had a connection with anyone else like he has her, whenever he gets free time he's with my friend, he went on his girlfriends brothers stag do and ended up sleeping with my friend before going home to her. Whenever his gf goes away, he's with my friend. It's just crazy. I can't get my head around it. 11 years

Well that's just sad, she is being used for sex, his poor gf too, imagine finding out your partner is having the time of it with someone else, bad enough they texting but that he is doing adventurous stuff elsewhere, thats a good point, regarding commitment, then at the same time it's not for everyone, not every girl wants and ring or a wedding.

Apparently, he doesn't want marriage, his gf does. He wants kids one day, his gf doesn't. They seem pretty mis matched in that respect.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

I think if you have to resort to childish piss taking/name calling on a discussion forum, perhaps these threads aren't the place for you. It's been good to discuss it & interesting to see how the other woman seems generally viewed as the evil wrong doer, as opposed to the person doing the cheating. It's the cheaters that we really need to look at as to why they behave in this way, as there will always be people to cheat with, that's just the reality of life sadly.

It takes 2 people to cheat. Both involved are “the cheaters”

Jesus I hope none of you “pro cheating” lot are married. It makes an utter mockery of the institution of marriage!