Emotional Affairs

[MrsBsDayOff]

Ok

This is so sad to read. I would be heartbroken if I was his wife. Why do you confide in him, have him as your person when you know how "inappropriate" it all is?

Because I'm closer to him bar anyone else in my life, with the exception of my partner.

Can you give an idea of the content?
I'm a little shocked he was texting while on his honeymoon that time should be exclusive.
This doesn't seem right.

Nothing sexual, just the type mates would text (like work, sport, how you etc).

Why do you continue with it then, when you know it’s inappropriate?

Similar to above, I feel so close to him and as nothing sexual in the messages I've convinced myself it's a 'friendship' even though it's probably too much contact for 2 people in relationships and when I first read about emotional affairs it ticked every box.

Work relationships are easy to slip into. For eight hours a day you are normally working with someone, and that’s more time in a day than you probably would ever speak to your spouse. Add to that work pressures and stresses and becoming a two against the world so to speak, then you are more likely to bond. Making that extra step forward and start socialising is when trouble begins.

This happened to me exactly

 

[LaBlonde]

I have heard that in France open marriages (i.e. where both partners consent) are very common and accepted as normal in their culture. I don't know if this is true so be great if someone could clarify. I don't know any French people or the culture well.

spent a fair bit of time in france and they definitely have a very free approach to love and relationships (“free” being the best word i can think to describe it ) they’re naturally, in my experience, a very flirty and romantic people - one of the ladies i worked with had a husband and a (very cute) younger boyfriend. when i asked she said her husband had a girlfriend too because it was nice to go out on dates with someone.

she definitely wasn’t in the minority in the office either! if everyone involved is consenting and happy then i don’t think there’s an issue really.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

I know, if it was the other way around I'd be as transparent as I could to reassure him, look we were talking about someone getting sacked so that's why we were chatting or listen it's good to have allies in this place but I don't have feeling bla bla.
None of that.
Regarding the last time, after I found that particular message he wiped his phone and continued to do so, I looked a couple of times when he was in the shower or whatever, pointless, not even a call log!

I feel I am right but close friends said they think he likes to wind me up. Hilarious right?

Thanks for listening, I think you have to have been through it to truly understand, just because it's not a physical (affair or however you would say it) people don't get it. For me on the 1st occasion it would have been physical with half the chance.

Wiping his phone too

God, its a really vulnerable place to be as you start doubting yourself, but it seems as though your gut may be right. Sorry youre going through it x

 

[Vegasbaby33]

I'm saying to myself that there is nothing wrong because the messages are not sexual, but the fact I don't want my partner seeing the message thread makes it feel wrong. I have other male friends who I text maybe weekly and would have no problem with my partner seeing those messages, this one feels different.


If it was a childhood friend or something maybe I would feel ok about it, but if it was a colleague who looked and acted like my partner's usual "type" I would get worried

I guess the question is, are you happy with your partner? What leads you to have this friendship that you know is more than friendship, on an emotional level? Is anything missing in your current relationship that leads you to this man, or do you just enjoy his attention? No judgement btw. We don't know either of your situations and like I say there's always a reason/context to affairs in my opinion. Don't have to answer either

 

[Vegasbaby33]

I didn’t say that it's not abhorrent- of course it is, but I personally think there is so much more to it than a simple case of right or wrong. I don't know this woman or anything about their history etc so it's firstly none of my business and up to her what she does, but we don't even know what she said is true It's interesting that a lot of comments have been about her texting on his honeymoon though-it was HIS honeymoon, his responsibility to not engage with another woman surely. As you can bet if it wasn't with this woman, it would be with another.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

What's interesting is how many people cheat- it's unfortunately very common, so that must mean half the population are 'scum'. The act of cheating is dishonest and awful behaviour, but it doesn't define a person in my opinion. I think this thread would be better renamed for 'victims' of affairs, as this debate will go round in circles otherwise & it's clear no other views are accepted. I hope all those who have been cheated find peace.

I’ve never been cheated on. I’ve never cheated. So that blows your “victim” theory out of the water.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

I found this thread by accident but it has also made me think about a male friend I have. We have been friends since we were 12 years old, nothing ever happened between us. I see him as one of my closest friends and I do tell him about problems in my life etc, he tells me too. He now lives in America and I haven't seen him in quite a few years - he is married with 2 small kids. I never felt there was anything wrong with what I was doing, his wife is aware of me and my husband is aware of my friend. I tell him what I would tell my closest female friend.

I think people are wrong labelling something like this as an emotional affair which seems to be the case. I don't believe we have to end too friendships with males in our life once they/we get married.

No, I dont think its classing male/female friendships as emotional affairs. Its when it crosses a line and has that emotional/romantic edge

 

[Sunflower91]

I’m pretty interested reading some of the boundaries/ opinions surrounding work place relationships and when that crosses the line into danger territory. Its definitely made me think about things- to be clear I’ve never had an emotional affair (or ever cheated on any shape or form) with someone at work or been tempted to but I’ve also never really thought about how other half’s unless they’ve voiced a concern and I know about it.
Throughout my career I’ve always been a part of a work place friendship group that text outside of work, call eachother, meet for coffee or have dinner parties. I’ve even been on vacations with colleagues (mixed groups of men and women) some of them with partners at home. I’ve got workplace gaming teams and sometimes we book a day off and game together or sometimes we call eachother whilst out for a walk, go to gigs or events together. There’s not been a weekend I can recall in the last 7 years where I haven’t been texting a colleague, depending on what they’re up to at the time. I think because on my part I have no interest I’ve never seen it as my issue or problematic but reading here makes me think maybe it is an issue and I just don’t know about it. Like I say, no cheating is going on - but is that what partners are thinking is happening?

 

[CrazyGiraffeLady]

Similarly I can't get my head around women who stay-having seen what cheating men do, the absolute disregard and lack of respect for their partners- they know they're hurting them, yet they do it again, and again, and again. Everytime they contact that person, kiss them, hold them, have sex etc, they're actively making a choice to cheat, some for years on end. That's not how you treat someone you love and respect. I could never get past or forget that, it would always be in the back of my mind, once that trust is gone. And it's so unfair that typically it's the wife/girlfriend who's life it goes on to affect- still thinking about it years later etc, yet he really has no consequence- keeps his family, his home, his status, keeping up appearances- that's what I think is so unfair- the partner did nothing wrong yet has to pay for it! Brings me back to my point that affairs are complex, as are the reasons for cheating, and the reasons for staying.

I stayed for a few reasons. We had a one year old at the time, I love him and was absolutely devastated finding out he’d done it. Financially it was easier to stay. And quite selfishly I wasn’t prepared to miss out on every other Christmas/birthday/weekend for someone else’s actions. However I’m in a better place financially now and if it happened again I’d be gone straight away x

 

[Vegasbaby33]

Yes I think there is always a context to affairs and for me, I know it was my own vulnerabilities that led to me falling for this man. That being said, I don't believe there is ever an acceptable excuse for cheating- they make a conscious decision to hurt you,
even with solely emotional affairs- they're investing in someone else. The man I was involved with was too much of a coward to speak to his wife about what he needed- his affair with me was purely about his own needs- he wanted to be needed, desired etc, due to his own insecurities, and rather than deal with that, he chose to seek attention in someone else, repeatedly for over 15 months. Even when I ended it, he still wanted to be 'friends' and wouldn't leave me alone. I now know that he slept with me on her birthday...that level of disrespect is another level. So having seen how cheaters behave and how in that moment they are being unfaithful, they know they're hurting their partner and it would destroy them, yet they do it anyway, there's no excuse and I truly believe it's about them as a person that leads them to cheat, not necessarily the state of their relationship.

 

[Vegasbaby33]

@Lana.lee I was being sarcastic of those that have that narrow minded opinion...I don't think that at all, agree with you and am in the more empathic camp

 

[Begborrowsteal]

He would definitely deserve to be left on his own. My friend is obviously very much in the wrong here too of course but she won't listen to a word I say. She says she understands why I feel the way I feel but because I'm not in it, I don't understand. She's had 2 pregnancy scares already. If it happened, then unless she had an abortion, it would blow right up in their faces. He's a rugby boy, so there's been many a time where he's told his gf he's going to rugby but sees my friend or goes to rugby and sees my friend after. He even tried to sleep with her on his gf's birthday he just has no respect whatsoever. I feel like my messages get worse the more I type. I know so much that it would be extremely easy to get his gf to believe me but I just can't get involved in that way. I've thought many times about telling her but have always talked myself out of it out respect to my friendship.

Do you not lose respect for your friend after all this though?

 

[CrazyGiraffeLady]

My husband cheated on me back in 2016 with our female decorator , a 6 month full blown affair
And to be honest I know I shouldn’t be with him I have zero trust….But I love him with all my heart even know what his done, been with him
Since 15 …3 children , a business , our home , and I live a very privileged lifestyle , my son is only 2 and we have teenagers , but I feel I have too much to lose to walk away . Which to some of you might sound stupid but for me I just can’t. he has had years of hell from me I still think daily , I still bring it up in arguments and I resent what he did so much …. But I’ve made my bed now it’s on me if things take a turn again But honestly until your in that situation….it’s hard to comment on a situation,

What I will say though is the comment above
The other party actively and knowingly partaking in any kind of relationship with someone who is married or in a relationship is pond scum. I can never wrap my head around them actually believing the lies of the cheating partner … the unhappy relationship bollox or I’m going to leave her for you etc etc
Knowing your potentially helping to break a family up!!! They must love the attention, and the feeling of having one up on another women I guess ….

Just for the record the cheating partner is also pond scum and is just as much to blame as the “other” party

This 100%. My husbands fling? Was less than 4 weeks and he met up with her 3 times. I haven’t left him but it does come up in arguments.

 

[Comewhinewithme]

I'm the one who posted about my friend being involved with someone for 11 years. She seems to be completely head over heels in love with him, but in my mind, she is deluded because if he hasn't left his partner for her in 11 years, he's never going to. From the messages I've seen, I'm convinced he's obsessed with sex. Has a problem. His gf seems to be very vanilla whereas my friend says she isn't, she's very adventurous when it comes to sex, she's dressed up for him and done many things that I suppose some men enjoy when it comes to sex. I've told her that all this will ever be is sex but of course she has feelings now & he says he does to. It'll go on forever the more she goes along with it. That makes me sad for her, she's hung up on someone who won't ever commit to her but if I was the girlfriend, I'd be questioning why he hasn't committed to me with at least a ring after 11 years.

Well that's just sad, she is being used for sex, his poor gf too, imagine finding out your partner is having the time of it with someone else, bad enough they texting but that he is doing adventurous stuff elsewhere, thats a good point, regarding commitment, then at the same time it's not for everyone, not every girl wants and ring or a wedding.

 

[Comewhinewithme]

If you cheat you are scum - simple as that.

Correct, two wrongs don't make a right. Just because your having a shit time doesn't mean you inflict that on some poor innocent souls husband or wife.

 

[CrazyGiraffeLady]

I agree, its terrible. Whilst I feel its awful what's happening and I hope it does come out one day, I'm not going to be the one to let it out. I don't want that responsibility on my shoulders and wish my friend had never told me to be honest. We've had many a disagreement over it but she says 'you'll never understand unless you're involved in it'. That will never be me. I don't wish to understand it

I understand people have feelings and shit but how is your friend not thinking logically about this? They have a great “relationship” yet he’s never left his wife? He can sleep with her a few times a month but won’t commit 100% to her? Why is her self esteem so low? Not being rude with you because you haven’t done anything just putting my thoughts out there x

 

[LaBlonde]

I don’t think you can compare the “self respect” of women who knowingly cheat with a married man and women who stay in relationships with men that have cheated.

No one forced the other woman to cheat with married men - you can simply *not have sex with them*. But women who have been cheated on, are sometimes trapped in the relationship (either financially, they have kids with them etc.). It’s hard to get out of that relationship. I think it says a lot about you if you say victims of cheating have low self respect or self worth and compare them to women who knowingly cheat with married men.

fully agree. i understand the overall point regarding self-respect but i’m not sure it’s fair to say both women aren’t dissimilar. only one of them has knowingly and willingly engaged in something which will cause other people emotional harm and, like you say, there’s a hundred reasons why someone may stay with a cheating partner.

(before someone says it, yes, i know there’s a hundred reasons why someone might cheat too i’m not saying all of those reasons are invalid)

 

[BettyCrockerr]

I have a friend whose been in a 'relationship' with a man for 11 years, whilst he's been with someone else. They met before he met his partner, stopped for a year or so when he met her and my friend met someone but have continued it ever since. My friend is now single and has been for a long time. They message pretty much constantly in the day when they are in work & when his partner goes to bed at night. They sleep together at least twice a month and apparently 'have a bond like she's never experienced with anyone else'. I've given up even telling her how wrong this is and how much hurt she would cause to his partner if she were to find out because whilst she realises she's doing wrong, she says she can't and won't ever be able to end it unless he does. I've never been cheated on, as far as I'm aware previously so can only imagine the devastating impact it can have. I came across the partners Instagram a few weeks ago & her photos scream happy, committed relationship, lovey dovey posts from her calling him her person etc. I felt awful even seeing it but I'm not going to get involved.

Tell the wife. Sorry but your friend is a piece of shit, as is the guy.

 

[Vegasbaby33]

What's interesting is how many people cheat- it's unfortunately very common, so that must mean half the population are 'scum'. The act of cheating is dishonest and awful behaviour, but it doesn't define a person in my opinion. I think this thread would be better renamed for 'victims' of affairs, as this debate will go round in circles otherwise & it's clear no other views are accepted. I hope all those who have been cheated find peace.

 

[Scorpihoe]

Oh I’m empathetic. To the wives and husbands getting unknowingly cheated on, that is