Emotional Affairs

[Thetruth123]

My husband cheated on me back in 2016 with our female decorator , a 6 month full blown affair
And to be honest I know I shouldn’t be with him I have zero trust….But I love him with all my heart even know what his done, been with him
Since 15 …3 children , a business , our home , and I live a very privileged lifestyle , my son is only 2 and we have teenagers , but I feel I have too much to lose to walk away . Which to some of you might sound stupid but for me I just can’t. he has had years of hell from me I still think daily , I still bring it up in arguments and I resent what he did so much …. But I’ve made my bed now it’s on me if things take a turn again But honestly until your in that situation….it’s hard to comment on a situation,

What I will say though is the comment above
The other party actively and knowingly partaking in any kind of relationship with someone who is married or in a relationship is pond scum. I can never wrap my head around them actually believing the lies of the cheating partner … the unhappy relationship bollox or I’m going to leave her for you etc etc
Knowing your potentially helping to break a family up!!! They must love the attention, and the feeling of having one up on another women I guess ….

Just for the record the cheating partner is also pond scum and is just as much to blame as the “other” party

 

[BettyCrockerr]

11 years? Jesus. Your mate is a mug. That guy must be laughing his head off - 2 women on the go and one of them is fully aware of the situation and goes to bed with him regardless….

 

[Begborrowsteal]

People who do this should feel bad. It is not brave to share tales of knowingly entertaining a married person.

staying with someone after cheating absolutely can be complex due to shared history, finances, homes, kids etc. To cheat? To entertain it? It ultimately always comes from a place of insecurity.

 

[CrazyGiraffeLady]

That's very difficult. You're not stupid, I imagine every day is hard for you in a teeny way. I feel for you. Good for you for making a go of things if that's what you want xx

It took a lot for me to stay, in hindsight leaving would have been the easier option emotionally just not financially. At the time we had a one year old. It’s hard and some days are harder than others but it’s always there in the back of my mind xx

 

[Cocopops123]

@Begborrowsteal i am currently going through the same thing. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I decided to try again after his affair but not a day goes by I don’t think about it. And I make it worse for myself, re-reading messages we sent on days I know he was with her at lunch or something (they worked together) it’s like I want to move on but my mind won’t let me and I’m getting really worried now that I just honestly can’t get past it. I have tried being angry, talking things through, crying, being rational...but here I am 6 months later still thinking about it a few times a day.

Here if you want to chat!

 

[LaBlonde]

I don't think a one time thing makes a person scummy. Its a scummy thing to do, but that's not to say the person doesnt realise it was a shitty thing to do and regrets it.

Those serial cheaters though, they're defo scum lol. & the people who repeatedly go after people in relationships - thats proper insecurity. Literally no excusing or justifying those ones

i agree with this, it’s a scenario that’s obviously got a lot of personal circumstances and nuance to it, but i stand by that it’s a scummy thing to do. agree with the earlier point about people using it as escapism from abusive relationships, but i think most of us here are talking about people who cheat despite having a loyal loving partner.

one night stands, one off moments of regret? i accept that doesn’t define a person and that’s a thing that a partner could potentially forgive.

but there is no justifying people who have continual affairs, people who have the same affair over an extremely long period of time, or people who are messaging other people’s husbands on their honeymoons. that is an act which defines a person to me. it’s callous and completely devoid of empathy for the others involved

 

[ThreeSteaksPam]

The phone wiping is the smoking gun. If there was nothing on there for you to find, why would he feel the need to do that? I have never, in any relationship I’ve been in, felt the need to delete my call log or my conversation history with anyone. That’s the act of a guilty person. Not only guilty, but sly. I know it’s very easy to say as an outsider, but you know what you’re looking at, however much he tries to tell you it’s in your head. You just need to decide what you’re going to do about it from here.

 

[Vegasbaby33]

This is shocking! Can't you send an anonymous note or something? I'm actually shook that someone has been able to hide this for 11 years as well...nobody is safe

Honestly, I think once a person cheats, they've already crossed that line...and so it doesn't matter what other boundaries they cross- once they've disrespected their partner it doesn't seem to matter whether it's on their birthday, Valentine's weekend, Mother's Day, their wedding anniversary- all of which the guy involved with me did (didn't know at the time). The girlfriend probably wouldn't believe it anyway, probably stay with him, the friendship is then ruined and there's no coming back from that, so I understand the dilemma. Been there myself and seen others send anonymous messages and it's rarely believed anyway

They speak via snapchat (says it all), easily hidden. They are also from different areas, he used to live in our area before he met her so that's how they know eachother. He moved to a different area when he met her so there's no mutual friends at all. I'm the only one who knows aside from them. She's told me so much that I don't think she's hidden anything because I've heard some shocking things. I also don't think he's been with anyone else but her because being in a long term relationship, you don't really get much free time and the free time he does have seems to always be spent with my friend. He speaks to her all day while he's working, they speak at night when his gf is in bed, and they see eachother quite often. I don't know how he's not been found out or how his gf hasn't been suspicious but they've never come close to being caught as far as I'm aware.


100%. However, I've been friends with her since I was 5. I'm now in my early thirties. She's been by my side through everything I've been through in my life as I have her. I've told her that it made me think a lot differently of her and I was very disappointed in her when I initially found out about this but she has never been anything but an amazing friend to me, she's part of my family, I'm part of hers. I couldn't lose her friendship over something that's not directly affecting my life.

Also, being a good friend is about accepting each other as we are, warts and all, we might not support or agree with their choices but all we can do is be there when it all falls apart. I'd have no friends left if I judged them for all the bad decisions they'd made over the years it shouldn't affect your friendship in my view

 

[Scorpihoe]

I don’t think you can compare the “self respect” of women who knowingly cheat with a married man and women who stay in relationships with men that have cheated.

No one forced the other woman to cheat with married men - you can simply *not have sex with them*. But women who have been cheated on, are sometimes trapped in the relationship (either financially, they have kids with them etc.). It’s hard to get out of that relationship. I think it says a lot about you if you say victims of cheating have low self respect or self worth and compare them to women who knowingly cheat with married men.

 

[LaBlonde]

I'm saying to myself that there is nothing wrong because the messages are not sexual, but the fact I don't want my partner seeing the message thread makes it feel wrong. I have other male friends who I text maybe weekly and would have no problem with my partner seeing those messages, this one feels different.

in the nicest possible way, it “feels wrong” because it IS wrong. in your heart you know it. you said in your original post that you were heartbroken when he got married, that you imagine the two of you together, that you messaged on his honeymoon. this is what crosses the line into it being wrong. you admit this by saying that your partner and his wife would be upset if they saw the messages. you say you’re not keeping secrets from your partner but you are.

you’re both with other people, for consideration of them, if nothing else, you need to stop this.

 

[Sunflower91]

The majority of “other women” I know are being played just like the wives and girlfriends are.
Do I fundementally agree with my friend who’s been seeing a married man for 2 years? No. And it would be very easy for me to sit there and berate her for it, but I’m not in that situation, I’m not the one being gaslit, lied to and sold a pipe dream. Also it’s just not helpful, by turning around and telling her she’s a shitty person it’s less likely she’ll come to me for support and Advice when he’s abusive or when she does finally see the light and leave him.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

I’m not getting into a fight with you about what I think and my own opinion like I said the person who has made that commitment is fully responsible.

You do realise some women who have been with an attached man may not be aware

If the person has no idea, then theyre a victim too of the cheater. If they know? Then they are accountable for their actions, but ultimately it is the partner who is to blame. (IMO, of course)

 

[Ifyoucantbeatemjoinem]

My husband had a fling (slept with her a couple of times) 16 months ago now. It’s taken every ounce of effort from both of us to make it work. And the real kick in the teeth is, if this effort was put in 17/18 months ago it wouldn’t have happened. We still had sex and everything but we were in a lot of debt (not an excuse at all), days were just repeating and it was a shit time. I don’t trust him 100% and probably never will again.

P.s- please don’t have ago at me telling me I’m stupid for staying. I know most people would leave however that wasn’t an option for me x

That's very difficult. You're not stupid, I imagine every day is hard for you in a teeny way. I feel for you. Good for you for making a go of things if that's what you want xx

 

[Gossgirl12]

sorry I must have read it wrong and assumed they were married. The sad thing is she could have met the “one” by now but she’s still holding on to this guy.

Exactly, 11 years she's wasted on this man. She's 31 years old now. No children and she's just clinging on to someone who goes to bed with another woman every night, has built a life with her and not my friend and she just won't give him up. Its quite sad really.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

You know sweet FA about my life, what I've done, what I do every day and what kind of person I am. Suppose you're an angel are you?

I’ve never cheated on my partner. You have. It doesn’t matter a fuck about anything else. You are doing something shady and wrong and that’s on you. You can’t seem to be able to comprehend that at all.

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

Is it that simple though? Were Nelson Mandela and Martin Luther King scum, both known adulterers?

Oh come on. You can’t be serious? What you’re doing is scummy and that’s my opinion. You’re totally disrespecting your partner and this guys wife. They deserve so much better. The truth will come out, it always does but I just hope they’re not destroyed by the truth.

 

[Ifyoucantbeatemjoinem]

No, it IS wrong.


The very fact that you are hiding the messages and keeping it a secret is proof of that. For the love of god - HE IS MARRIED. You are in a relationship, you shouldn’t have this kind of “connection” with someone outside of your relationship. You were exchanging messages with this man on his honeymoon.


Jesus Christ. Get a grip.

This. 100% this. What you're doing is wrong, selfish and stupid. Putting so much at risk. I feel for "his" wife. I'd hate to be married to the likes of him.

 

[liarliarliar]

@Begborrowsteal @Cocopops123 So sorry you’ve both had to go through this. In my experience it never goes away. Just the simple thought that they could hurt you is enough to ruin the relationship. I went back time and time again but ending it gave me so much relief. It was hard and I cried myself to sleep most nights from feeling so heartbroken, I messaged him a bit after that until I eventually blocked his number. Years later it was the best thing I ever did. Time really is the only healer

 

[pepe le pew]

Work relationships are easy to slip into. For eight hours a day you are normally working with someone, and that’s more time in a day than you probably would ever speak to your spouse. Add to that work pressures and stresses and becoming a two against the world so to speak, then you are more likely to bond. Making that extra step forward and start socialising is when trouble begins.

 

[SnarkyTart]

Suggesting a clearly triggered poster seek help is underhanded? I'm genuinely concerned about the state of mind of someone who would attack posters with such vitriol on a topic that is obviously very upsetting to them. I'm posting from a place of kindness. I'm sorry if you think I'm being petty, I'm really not like that at all.

I'm out, good luck to all the rational posters hoping for insightful discussion. I hope you aren't bullied like I have been