Do you regret having/not having kids?

Maxine1974 said:

This sounds similar to my situation. I also have another 2 children who it’s taken it’s toll on also. Hugs to you xx

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Same to you, we play the hand we‘re dealt

I have a young daughter (2next month) and I love her dearly but since she’s been born she’s been the most miserable kid I or even my parents have ever met. They say you should cherish the time with them while they’re young but I honestly hate it. For the first year I had PND and my mental health has never been the same. As much as I love her I do regret becoming a mum

GossipMongoose said:

Same to you, we play the hand we‘re dealt

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very true. I often wonder why some people are dealt better hands than others?
It’s my own doing but I’ve hardly any friends anymore as I can’t cope with seeing everybody else’s “perfect lives” and even if there not perfect there a lot better than mine. It’s hard to be bitter but I try my best

I always wanted children and love them so much but because I have suffered with anxiety, depression, anger, ptsd I sometimes wonder if I shouldn't have had them in case I have passed down my problems to them

Never regretted having my two, my first when I was only 19! I did however feel some resentment towards friends who were living there young lives to the max. However now the roles have reversed my two at University, drive, have jobs etc. So it’s as though I’m starting again free with no responsibilities haha! Also my cousin who I never imagined having kids she travelled all over the world had her first baby’s at 44! So I think there’s still plenty time at 30 to see if your friend gets broody.

I've got a 3 year old son and I can honestly say NEVER AGAIN!! I always fantasised about having 3-4 kids but it really is not for me. The lack of sleep, teething, nappies, tantrums and not being able to live with any kind of freedom really took its toll on my mental health. I love him more than anything and I'm glad hes here but I will never have another child! Some women take very naturally to it and some dont so i think you need to be very sure that you want to do it.

I enjoyed the baby/young child age but I wouldn’t do it again either. When I was pregnant grandparents were full of talk of babysitting but they were only words, my daughter must have been five before she spent a night away from me and they weren’t overly keen to do it.

LaurieLaurie said:

I enjoyed the baby/young child age but I wouldn’t do it again either. When I was pregnant grandparents were full of talk of babysitting but they were only words, my daughter must have been five before she spent a night away from me and they weren’t overly keen to do it.

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Your parents sound like they offer the kind of help I get

I had my son at 17, I don’t regret having him as he’s shaped me into the person I am today but if I could of seen into the future I would of chose to wait until later. I also always imagined having 2/3 kids but now I’m happy to not have any more. Being a parent is hard work!!

GossipMongoose said:

I have children, one of whom has a long term condition which has changed our lives forever and unfortunately also comes with some challenging behaviour. ‘Child’ is now a young adult and we are exhausted by it. My mental health is fragile and my marriage (to child’s father) has been through hell and high water, I don’t know how we are still standing. It is relentless. I love my children but honestly, if I had my time again, I don’t think I’d be a mother. It has taken every last piece of my soul.

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Look after yourself first, you must do this for you and your health. Then you can look after everyone else. Hoping for better times ahead for you

Maxine1974 said:

very true. I often wonder why some people are dealt better hands than others?
It’s my own doing but I’ve hardly any friends anymore as I can’t cope with seeing everybody else’s “perfect lives” and even if there not perfect there a lot better than mine. It’s hard to be bitter but I try my best

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I don’t know why some people are seemingly dealt fairer hands than others. It’s shit and I’m sorry.

LaurieLaurie said:

I’ve had the best of both worlds.

I fell pregnant at 18, gave birth at 19 and I am about to turn 30. My daughter is off to secondary school in September and my life feels easy, she’s always been a dream child. I got to concentrate on her during my 20s and as she’s got older I’ve been able to think about myself and my own life more. My 30s will be spent catching up on all the things I put to one side.

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This could actually be me writing this

Team JCM said:

Look after yourself first, you must do this for you and your health. Then you can look after everyone else. Hoping for better times ahead for you

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Thank you, sorry all I absolutely didn’t intend for me-rail this thread. I think the ‘look after yourself first’ is well meaning but often easier said than done in reality.

Orange Creme said:

I always wanted children and love them so much but because I have suffered with anxiety, depression, anger, ptsd I sometimes wonder if I shouldn't have had them in case I have passed down my problems to them

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I wish there was a [hug] reaction on here sometimes x

I'm at the age where my fertility is on a downward trend, but I don't have any panics or pangs.

My husband and I have lots of reasons for not having children, but I've never been able to pin-point one thing. For me, it's the physical and mental toll that pregnancy, birth and the early years take. The relentless drudgery. The worry about their future [the declining environment, the cost of education, the likelihood of zero-hour contracts/never owning their own property]. The effect on our relationship.

We were once at a stage where we thought about trying a couple of years ago - I bought pre-conception vitamins, ovulation sticks. And all that happened is that I woke up in a blind panic each day thinking we were making a big mistake. Once I threw all the paraphernalia out, it was like a huge weight lifted and that nervous pit in my stomach disappeared.

I guess what it boils down to is that I don't want my life to change in the way that a child changes it. Out of friends who have had children, the ones who have struggled the most have been the ones who proclaimed, "Having a baby isn't going to change anything!" Okay, Jan. I've worked hard for my financial stability, my mental health, a good relationship, so in that way, no, I don't have any regrets.

Having a baby because you worry about regretting if you don't - it is a huge gamble. I'd rather regret not having them, than regret having them.

I was never maternal and had no interest in children at all. Had a fab time during my twenties, did lots of holidays and basically did as I pleased. Met my husband at 27 and married at 30 and I was quiet clear to him that I may never change my mind and ‘ I had to be enough ‘ which he said I was.
We didn’t really talk about them again and I definitely wasn’t feeling broody at all. Then a colleague at work got pregnant and it made me realise at 33 I needed to decide for sure. Husband said ‘ let’s just see what happens.’ If it happened great if it didn’t we were happy as we were. I got pregnant almost instantly and I remember my husband saying ‘ you ok ?’ Like waiting for my reaction. I was so worried that broodiness or maternal instinct would not kick in. Of course it did and our little boy is our world. It’s funny because I still don’t really like other people’s children much, just my own lol. I am so glad I went for it as I think I would’ve had regrets.

I was the one who no one could ever imagine having children, I was not maternal in any way, wondered how and why so many of my friends wanted kids or wanted to work with kids!

I now have nearly 3 of them. And I wouldn't change it for the world. I don't particularly like other people's children, I hate the school run and don't like play dates at my house
But I am always told how polite, caring and well behaved mine are. I've had my struggles along the way, especially with my second and his health problems early in life, but I look back and I see that I am super woman and I am proud of my children

Orange Creme said:

I always wanted children and love them so much but because I have suffered with anxiety, depression, anger, ptsd I sometimes wonder if I shouldn't have had them in case I have passed down my problems to them

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If it helps to know I grew up in a household with a variety of things happening. I turned out fine, despite this. You love them. That is the most important thing .

My son turned 2 last week. He is honestly fantastic and I love him beyond words, but my god the realism of a child hits like a tonne of bricks. He was very much an 'unplanned' baby (contraceptive pill and Crohn's disease...yikes).

I was 28 at the time, and it never really hit me that pregnancy actually leads to a baby. That sounds stupid but I hope someone understands what I mean. 9 months of being fussed over, being offered a seat on the train to work, eating whatever and whenever you please. Then one day it's over and you're left with a huge flabby belly, maternity pads coming out of your ears and a screaming purple babe who suddenly depends on you for survival.

His first 2 months of life were stressful and exhausting due to allergies which took for him to be hospitalised for 2 weeks to find. I was trying to breastfeed and convinced myself that my partner would be disgusted if I stopped. I've never suffered from any sort of mental health or anxiety issue before, and then before I knew it, I was being prescribed antidepressants and arranging counselling sessions.

I think part of the shock for me is that people only ever tell you the good things. The lovely cute little baby. The smiles, the giggles, the first steps. It's not often you hear someone actually say that some days are absolutely fu*king sh*t. There are days which feel like they go on for months (more often than not).

I don't regret having my boy, but my God, I wish there was more honesty surrounding it.

Myanthony1 said:

Never regretted having my two, my first when I was only 19! I did however feel some resentment towards friends who were living there young lives to the max. However now the roles have reversed my two at University, drive, have jobs etc. So it’s as though I’m starting again free with no responsibilities haha! Also my cousin who I never imagined having kids she travelled all over the world had her first baby’s at 44! So I think there’s still plenty time at 30 to see if your friend gets broody.

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I’m hoping this is how I’ll feel once mine are older and I have some freedom back I’ll be 43 when my youngest is 18 so maybe I’ll get my life back then! My eldest is almost 4 and already I enjoy the freedom it gives me, even just the little things she’s able to do like go to toilet on her own and feed herself etc! Honestly, I MUCH prefer this stage to the baby stage.

I don’t regret either of them and (so far) think I’ve been very lucky with them both. My eldest is so well behaved, she’s like my little best friend . We’re also lucky to have the support of both our families, which I think makes it easier on our relationship - we’re able to have the odd bit of time together as a couple.

Orange Creme said:

Your parents sound like they offer the kind of help I get

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They had her overnight last month while my best friend was visiting (I hadn’t seen them in almost 2 years) and they were still asking me if she was defined staying at 10pm and looking for me at 8am the next day.