Difficult friends/friendship moans

[springstudy]

Hey all, I get this so much. I have some friends, but they're all from different groups and areas. And I'm not particularly close with them. I am the kind of person they will text if they're around or bored and want to go for lunch. But any time it's an important holiday or event, they're nowhere to be seen. I realise part of this is that I'm single and usually people spend holidays with their family or whatever, but sometimes I just want "my" people, those people you don't even have to ask to arrange anything with, you just know you're a part of it.

I feel like I'm always the last person to know everything as well. Everytime I make new friends in jobs, I walk into everyone already standing talking about a piece of gossip or something and when I ask "What's up?" they're like "Nothing", then I find out much later. It makes me think I'm not trusted and never a main part of anyone's friend group.

It makes me so sad when I see things on social media of old friends getting surprise parties thrown for them for the most random things, and over the top presents for every single thing. I've never had a party thrown for me, I've never had anyone go out of their way to do anything special for me, I'm definitely a casual friend and never had anyone want to plan anything with me. I remember I actually asked a friend of mine once if she wanted to go travelling somewhere and she said no, a few months later she'd booked the same trip with other people. I asked her why she hadn't gone with me and she told me I just wasn't the sort of friend she felt close enough to go travelling with. To me, at the time, she'd been one of my closest friends so it had hurt me a lot. I don't know how to become close with someone when I already feel like I am? This is also going to sound really stupid and as if I'm just being ridiculous, but I feel like my friends don't ever take photos with me either. I have friends who have really busy instagrams, the kind of people who post every little thing and tag every person they are with. Yet when they're out with me they never want to, even if I suggest it. There have been times I've been in really high rooftop bars, fancy cocktails with them and they still won't post.

And I've watched new people join my work and within days they are out with the main group and having drinks, yet I've been there ages and everyone is nice to me, but I'm not really part of it. I don't understand how to do it, I remember one time in work one of the girls got pregnant and everyone signed a card saying congrats. I had been walking to work and saw in the window of this shop a really cute bunny toy saying congratulations on the front and had went in and bought it, deciding to give it to her to be nice as I thought it was cute. I remember the girl acted really awkward with me and everyone in work kept giving me funny looks that day. The girl then posted on social media that day that she was so grateful for her card, and some gifts that she'd got from people and mine wasn't included in it, but a bunch of stuff from other colleages was. I happened to talk about this to one of my colleages and she told me the girl had felt awkward as she didn't know me that well and didn't know why I'd done that. I had never claimed to know her that well, I was simply being nice and didn't understand why that made it so weird that I was left out of her post as if I'd done something creepy.

It seems to me that my friends that get the most attention and invites everywhere are the people who seem to do the minimum, never text back, don't try with anyone, and yet if I do this I get ignored and no one talks. So, I honestly don't understand but I definitely feel done with making effort with people and have started doing things for myself now which make me happy, but sometimes it would be nice to have people to do the fun things with like travelling, because I find it confusing how so many people do this a lot but yet I can't seem to plan something with anyone

 

[pinkmug]

Has anyone else had experience with friends not talking to you as much because you don’t want to go out to dodgy bars every weekend anymore? Ever since I had covid and stopped going to clubs I’ve got about two friends left!

This was me at uni. I'm not really into clubbing, I wasn't back then either. My friend group were frequenting a bar/club every Tuesday, Friday and Saturday and frankly it was a tit hole with bad drinks and a cramped space so after a term of just tagging along for the sake of it, I was done. I thought that'd just be the end of my night out plans with them but I found myself uninvited from coffee trips, sleepovers, revision sessions and just general hang outs as well. They stopped replying to my texts, when I asked what was going on they pretended I was imagining things. I guess me following them around was the only thing that really connected us and all the shared secrets, laughter or being there for each other didn't matter. I was upset at first but got over it in the end. Good riddance.

 

[freaknasty]

This was me at uni. I'm not really into clubbing, I wasn't back then either. My friend group were frequenting a bar/club every Tuesday, Friday and Saturday and frankly it was a tit hole with bad drinks and a cramped space so after a term of just tagging along for the sake of it, I was done. I thought that'd just be the end of my night out plans with them but I found myself uninvited from coffee trips, sleepovers, revision sessions and just general hang outs as well. They stopped replying to my texts, when I asked what was going on they pretended I was imagining things. I guess me following them around was the only thing that really connected us and all the shared secrets, laughter or being there for each other didn't matter. I was upset at first but got over it in the end. Good riddance.

This is something I find happens. If you say no to going somewhere once or twice people never invite you again.

 

[Former_Antelopee]

This’ll be long but if anyone can be bothered to read I’d like an opinion.
Just want to moan, generally don’t care if she sees this because it’s annoying me so I’ll just say it exactly how it is.
Booked a holiday together, I kinda pushed her into it because if I didn’t she wouldn’t do anything about it. I sent her all the info etc in messages asked her if she was happy I mean this was over definitely a few days but I think weeks of her not making a decision. Finally she said yes to one. This was around 6 months ago we have been paying it off monthly since.
Going mid year this year.
This month she said she’s not sure she can take her medication so wouldn’t be able to go and we’d have to cancel. She tried to find info and I was helping her I found some info to say she could but only the exact amount for the days we are going and she won’t go unless she takes a few extra days just incase.
She said she would feel bad if we cancelled also it costs £100 more than what we paid (half paid) to cancel. I suggested if she finds out she cannot go I’ll find someone else to pay the rest and go with them. That way she doesn’t lose anymore money, just what she’s already paid. Don’t even know if I’d be able to find anyone to pay, I’d probably pay for them tbh as I’d rather do that than not go especially as I’ve paid half of mine already. Also if we cancelled imo it’s her that should pay the cancellation cost as surely she should’ve checked if she could take her medication before agreeing to book even if I was pushing her for a yes/no?
She had all week to call/email to find out for sure about what she needs to find out about. I asked her if they had replied to her email as I thought she’d sent it but she said she hadn’t as she was working (idk why she couldn’t email still, I emailed at midnight as it doesn’t matter when you email?!). She wants me to phone them or email or even though I have emailed already and she wasn’t happy with what they said so I said you email them and ask more. She only works part time so had days this week she could’ve phoned. She said she was crying all day yesterday don’t know what about but probably some of it is due to this, but surely it’s better to sort it out than worrying?!
I also gave her other options of I’ll go with someone else and we can cancel our other holiday we have booked in September as we’d only lose £20 and rebook to go abroad. It’ll cost more, which I don’t really want to do but I don’t mind too much as I’d prefer to go abroad anyway and then she gets a holiday abroad.
I gave her two options about different holidays we can go on at the end of the year, not specifics but a rough idea with costs. And all she’s replies is that it’s too much info and her brain can’t take it in and to call her tomorrow.
That also annoys me as it’s all written down just read it! I feel like I’m about to lose it on her as I keep doing all the work and she doesn’t do anything barely, then just says it’s too stressful and wants me to do it all and when I do she doesn’t say anything or says it’s too much to understand. What am I meant to do?! Also why should I sort it, she should fine out and it makes sense for her to find out as if they ask any questions she’ll have the answers?? Don’t want to make her mental health worse either but I don’t know what to do. Also the next payment comes out soon so what do I do about that???

 

[HaloGirl]

Ah this sounds stressful. Have you been away on holiday with this friend before? Are you close? The reason I ask is going away with mates can be really stressful especially if you don’t know each other well. Is there any way you could arrange a time and try and sit down with her, have a face to face chat and find out what exactly is going on. It could be that she has concerns about going away particularly if her MH is bad. You shouldn’t have to do all the leg work and obviously you deserve a nice holiday too.

 

[Some People!]

This’ll be long but if anyone can be bothered to read I’d like an opinion.
Just want to moan, generally don’t care if she sees this because it’s annoying me so I’ll just say it exactly how it is.
Booked a holiday together, I kinda pushed her into it because if I didn’t she wouldn’t do anything about it. I sent her all the info etc in messages asked her if she was happy I mean this was over definitely a few days but I think weeks of her not making a decision. Finally she said yes to one. This was around 6 months ago we have been paying it off monthly since.
Going mid year this year.
This month she said she’s not sure she can take her medication so wouldn’t be able to go and we’d have to cancel. She tried to find info and I was helping her I found some info to say she could but only the exact amount for the days we are going and she won’t go unless she takes a few extra days just incase.
She said she would feel bad if we cancelled also it costs £100 more than what we paid (half paid) to cancel. I suggested if she finds out she cannot go I’ll find someone else to pay the rest and go with them. That way she doesn’t lose anymore money, just what she’s already paid. Don’t even know if I’d be able to find anyone to pay, I’d probably pay for them tbh as I’d rather do that than not go especially as I’ve paid half of mine already. Also if we cancelled imo it’s her that should pay the cancellation cost as surely she should’ve checked if she could take her medication before agreeing to book even if I was pushing her for a yes/no?
She had all week to call/email to find out for sure about what she needs to find out about. I asked her if they had replied to her email as I thought she’d sent it but she said she hadn’t as she was working (idk why she couldn’t email still, I emailed at midnight as it doesn’t matter when you email?!). She wants me to phone them or email or even though I have emailed already and she wasn’t happy with what they said so I said you email them and ask more. She only works part time so had days this week she could’ve phoned. She said she was crying all day yesterday don’t know what about but probably some of it is due to this, but surely it’s better to sort it out than worrying?!
I also gave her other options of I’ll go with someone else and we can cancel our other holiday we have booked in September as we’d only lose £20 and rebook to go abroad. It’ll cost more, which I don’t really want to do but I don’t mind too much as I’d prefer to go abroad anyway and then she gets a holiday abroad.
I gave her two options about different holidays we can go on at the end of the year, not specifics but a rough idea with costs. And all she’s replies is that it’s too much info and her brain can’t take it in and to call her tomorrow.
That also annoys me as it’s all written down just read it! I feel like I’m about to lose it on her as I keep doing all the work and she doesn’t do anything barely, then just says it’s too stressful and wants me to do it all and when I do she doesn’t say anything or says it’s too much to understand. What am I meant to do?! Also why should I sort it, she should fine out and it makes sense for her to find out as if they ask any questions she’ll have the answers?? Don’t want to make her mental health worse either but I don’t know what to do. Also the next payment comes out soon so what do I do about that???

She definitely sounds overwhelmed and probably not in a great place MH-wise. She's avoiding dealing with this at all and it sounds to me like she's gone off the idea of going away but doesn't have the skills to either tell you or deal with the options/admin to resolve it. She thought she'd found the perfect out with the medication excuse, but when she found she could take what she needed and no more, she needed to find another reason.

If you cba, the right thing to do is as @HaloGirl says and have a sit-down chat... But what I'd do, and what might work better for her anyway is just say something like...

"it's feeling like you've gone off the idea of the trip to x, though I'd love it if you could come. If you'd still like to join me, have a think about the options and information I gave you above, and let me know by the end of the month (or whatever), otherwise I'll assume you no longer want to come, and that's fine.
If that is the case, I'll... [insert what you'll do here. Find someone else, cancel, get a refund, whatever]. What this means for you is... [insert consequences for her here. Loose £300, receive refund for £x, whatever]. Hope to hear from you soon x"

Keep it simple and make it easy for her to duck out otherwise this whole thing will drag on for months. You'll know where you stand and what your options are, at least.

I've been on both sides unfortunately. I really hope you stay friends.

 

[Former_Antelopee]

Ah this sounds stressful. Have you been away on holiday with this friend before? Are you close? The reason I ask is going away with mates can be really stressful especially if you don’t know each other well. Is there any way you could arrange a time and try and sit down with her, have a face to face chat and find out what exactly is going on. It could be that she has concerns about going away particularly if her MH is bad. You shouldn’t have to do all the leg work and obviously you deserve a nice holiday too.

Yeah we usually go away together and it’s fine we have another holiday booked in the UK.
Well I saw her at the weekend and I asked her about it and she was meant to call the consulate sometime this week to find out but didn’t. The other thing is about changing jobs.
I just want her to decide I’ve given her 3 options I don’t understand why I have to talk to her in person/phone about them surely it’s easier to read and have all the info in front on you than someone tell it you in person/phone??
The options were if she can’t come
- keep our other holiday the same
- book to go somewhere when we were meant to go away at the end of the year and il L still go on this holiday with someone else. She’d not get any money back because she should’ve checked. I don’t think anyone would be able to pay it all so close to when we go. She’ll lose £300, but it would cost £100 more on top of that to cancel. So to me if she cannot/doesn’t want to go then it makes sense for her to lose the money as she’ll lose less than if we cancelled. Plus I still want to go regardless.
She said she’d feel bad if we cancelled and when I said I’d still go with someone else she said something along the lines of so you don’t want to go with me? I said no I do but if you can’t go it doesn’t make sense to cancel I’m trying to save you money.
Also she definitely wants to go still as when I said we can change the holiday in the Uk to abroad in september she said so she misses out going this time.

She definitely sounds overwhelmed and probably not in a great place MH-wise. She's avoiding dealing with this at all and it sounds to me like she's gone off the idea of going away but doesn't have the skills to either tell you or deal with the options/admin to resolve it. She thought she'd found the perfect out with the medication excuse, but when she found she could take what she needed and no more, she needed to find another reason.

If you cba, the right thing to do is as @HaloGirl says and have a sit-down chat... But what I'd do, and what might work better for her anyway is just say something like...

"it's feeling like you've gone off the idea of the trip to x, though I'd love it if you could come. If you'd still like to join me, have a think about the options and information I gave you above, and let me know by the end of the month (or whatever), otherwise I'll assume you no longer want to come, and that's fine.
If that is the case, I'll... [insert what you'll do here. Find someone else, cancel, get a refund, whatever]. What this means for you is... [insert consequences for her here. Loose £300, receive refund for £x, whatever]. Hope to hear from you soon x"

Keep it simple and make it easy for her to duck out otherwise this whole thing will drag on for months. You'll know where you stand and what your options are, at least.

I've been on both sides unfortunately. I really hope you stay friends.

If you read what I just put as well above I think I wrote mostly what you are saying.
I also don’t want to go into the MH side of stuff with her as I’m not good at that side of stuff. Plus it’s one thing after another and tbh it might be mean but I just don’t want to have to deal with it. I’ll do fun things with her sure because that helps her but go to a professional for help

Also there’s other things like she went to away for Xmas to family and I messaged her about something else no reply for a week. Finally replied saying she was away with bad signal, even though I could see she’d been online and her family work from home so the signal couldn’t have been that bad
Also I’ll message her and she’ll completely ignore what I said sometimes and talk about something else.

 

[Chickenandgravy]

You really find out who you're friends are when you have a baby dont you. My wee girl is 18 months and since having her I've barely heard from my best friend. I get she's at a different stage in life (doesn't have or want kids which is fine!) But she didn't invite me to get bday party, which I could've actually gone to. She got my daughter a Christmas present but hasn't bothered to drop it in even though she passes right past my front door every day (it's not about the present obviously) we had been friends for nearly 15 years so this one stings. Being a mum is so lonely sometimes.

 

[HaloGirl]

Yeah we usually go away together and it’s fine we have another holiday booked in the UK.
Well I saw her at the weekend and I asked her about it and she was meant to call the consulate sometime this week to find out but didn’t. The other thing is about changing jobs.
I just want her to decide I’ve given her 3 options I don’t understand why I have to talk to her in person/phone about them surely it’s easier to read and have all the info in front on you than someone tell it you in person/phone??
The options were if she can’t come
- keep our other holiday the same
- book to go somewhere when we were meant to go away at the end of the year and il L still go on this holiday with someone else. She’d not get any money back because she should’ve checked. I don’t think anyone would be able to pay it all so close to when we go. She’ll lose £300, but it would cost £100 more on top of that to cancel. So to me if she cannot/doesn’t want to go then it makes sense for her to lose the money as she’ll lose less than if we cancelled. Plus I still want to go regardless.
She said she’d feel bad if we cancelled and when I said I’d still go with someone else she said something along the lines of so you don’t want to go with me? I said no I do but if you can’t go it doesn’t make sense to cancel I’m trying to save you money.
Also she definitely wants to go still as when I said we can change the holiday in the Uk to abroad in september she said so she misses out going this time.


If you read what I just put as well above I think I wrote mostly what you are saying.
I also don’t want to go into the MH side of stuff with her as I’m not good at that side of stuff. Plus it’s one thing after another and tbh it might be mean but I just don’t want to have to deal with it. I’ll do fun things with her sure because that helps her but go to a professional for help

Also there’s other things like she went to away for Xmas to family and I messaged her about something else no reply for a week. Finally replied saying she was away with bad signal, even though I could see she’d been online and her family work from home so the signal couldn’t have been that bad
Also I’ll message her and she’ll completely ignore what I said sometimes and talk about something else.

The only reason I said a face to face meet up was because sometimes it’s better to go through things especially costs in person. That being said you have already met up so either she doesn’t know what to do or is delaying things in the hope things might get sorted out somehow? It doesn’t seem fair on you. And the delayed messaging during Christmas is a bit strange particularly as you could see when was online.
Maybe you need to ask her to make a decision by such a date and go from there. Hope you get it sorted out.

 

[Former_Antelopee]

The only reason I said a face to face meet up was because sometimes it’s better to go through things especially costs in person. That being said you have already met up so either she doesn’t know what to do or is delaying things in the hope things might get sorted out somehow? It doesn’t seem fair on you. And the delayed messaging during Christmas is a bit strange particularly as you could see when was online.
Maybe you need to ask her to make a decision by such a date and go from there. Hope you get it sorted out.

It can be difficult to book with her in person, everytime we tried it would never happen. For example I go of traveling reviews which imo is the most important whereas she would just lol at the professional pics of the hotel and if she didn’t like decor she wouldn’t go . She’d pick a hotel with nice decor but then I’d refuse as the reviews would be bad. I just sent her a simple (I think) breakdown of the options to read before we call later, although I bet this call won’t happen.
I may even offer to give her £100 so she loses only £200. Even though I don’t think I should?
I do really need to know within a week as payment comes out then.

I gave the options more simple to read before call:
- I find someone else to go and lose the money she paid as it’s cheaper than cancelling
- we cancel our other holiday and go abroad (europe gave her a rough cost)
- cancel other holiday go america (with rough cost)
- still keep the other holiday the same

I obviously told her to find out if she can come on this holiday first and if she can then just ignore the options.
Yeah also Christmas isn’t the only time she’s done this.
im really not a confrontational person as I think it usually causes more issues than it’s worth but she once had a go at me for not being confrontational and told me I should be.

 

[HaloGirl]

Hope the call goes well later. The options are straightforward that you suggest. I understand not being confrontational as I am not either. I wouldn’t offer to give additional money as it doesn’t seem fair but that moo. Best of luck.

 

[Former_Antelopee]

Hope the call goes well later. The options are straightforward that you suggest. I understand not being confrontational as I am not either. I wouldn’t offer to give additional money as it doesn’t seem fair but that moo. Best of luck.

We called and she’s emailed them about it now. We are meeting up next week to call them as well. Although I’m hoping they just email her back before we meet up and no point in calling if the email has the answers. They seem quick on email answers, plus I’ve read that someone called and they didn’t understand so she emailed which gave her the answers she needed

 

[yogiessexdubs]

I’m not sure where you’re planning to go to, but she should be fine with a doctor’s letter explaining that she’s carrying her medication, and check with the place you’re going to, there may be a form you need to fill in to declare you’re carrying said meds. Best of luck to you.

 

[Popcornshovel]

Much love to you dealing with an awkward holiday friend. Sounds like a right royal pain in the a! I think the medication thing is a poor excuse tbh, I've never know anyone to have problems with prescription medicine.

 

[Former_Antelopee]

It’s because she wants to take a few days extra and apparently that’ll be an issue when we asked the consulate. However I did ask advice of other travellers and read online forums and no one seems to have had an issue taking a bit extra. But she doesn’t want to risk it if they tell her she cannot

 

[proceedwithcaution]

You really find out who you're friends are when you have a baby dont you. My wee girl is 18 months and since having her I've barely heard from my best friend. I get she's at a different stage in life (doesn't have or want kids which is fine!) But she didn't invite me to get bday party, which I could've actually gone to. She got my daughter a Christmas present but hasn't bothered to drop it in even though she passes right past my front door every day (it's not about the present obviously) we had been friends for nearly 15 years so this one stings. Being a mum is so lonely sometimes.

I’m sorry to hear your friend Has treated you this way- it’s hard isn’t it? You feel like suddenly everything you had in common has gone and that bond is just broken.

Funnily enough - It’s the same when you’re the only one who DOESNT have children. I’ve been excluded from things for years because I don’t have them. Friends will invite other friends over for bbqs and days out as families but i get nothing!
In the past year I’ve had three miscarriages. Lots of support after the first one, but now my so called ‘closest friends’ and ‘best friend’ are hardly seen for dust. Posting all over social media the fun times they have with their parent friends or work friends whilst I haven’t had a message in weeks.
Yes I’ve been withdrawn but two of my miscarriages were back to back and the last one was a week before Xmas. You’d think friends of 20+ years would be more aware that I do withdraw when I’ve had bad things happen in the past and this is what I’m doing now. But no. I’m way down the list of priorities.
When I was single some friends occasionally took pity on me and invited me to non kid related stuff, now I have a partner it’s like I’m no longer ‘their responsibility’ (if you know what I mean). It makes me think I must have been a tit friend and tit company if I’m so easily dropped.

So yes I definitely Empathise with what you’re saying about you know who your friends are when you’ve had a baby but it can be equally difficult on ‘the Other side’ as it were!

 

[Ingognito.Queen]

Yeah we usually go away together and it’s fine we have another holiday booked in the UK.
Well I saw her at the weekend and I asked her about it and she was meant to call the consulate sometime this week to find out but didn’t. The other thing is about changing jobs.
I just want her to decide I’ve given her 3 options I don’t understand why I have to talk to her in person/phone about them surely it’s easier to read and have all the info in front on you than someone tell it you in person/phone??
The options were if she can’t come
- keep our other holiday the same
- book to go somewhere when we were meant to go away at the end of the year and il L still go on this holiday with someone else. She’d not get any money back because she should’ve checked. I don’t think anyone would be able to pay it all so close to when we go. She’ll lose £300, but it would cost £100 more on top of that to cancel. So to me if she cannot/doesn’t want to go then it makes sense for her to lose the money as she’ll lose less than if we cancelled. Plus I still want to go regardless.
She said she’d feel bad if we cancelled and when I said I’d still go with someone else she said something along the lines of so you don’t want to go with me? I said no I do but if you can’t go it doesn’t make sense to cancel I’m trying to save you money.
Also she definitely wants to go still as when I said we can change the holiday in the Uk to abroad in september she said so she misses out going this time.

Wow - she sounds painful. You have literally given her 3 options on this and she cannot even give you any form of answer.
Make a decision on her behalf at this stage. You need to be to the point and literally ask - are you coming? YES or NO?

 

[Former_Antelopee]

Wow - she sounds painful. You have literally given her 3 options on this and she cannot even give you any form of answer.
Make a decision on her behalf at this stage. You need to be to the point and literally ask - are you coming? YES or NO?

The consulate emailed her back saying it should be fine so she decided she’ll go. Not going to call them now which is good. I did read they are more helpful on email as well so think it would’ve been a waste to call (someone said they didn’t understand her on call)

 

[Ingognito.Queen]

The consulate emailed her back saying it should be fine so she decided she’ll go. Not going to call them now which is good. I did read they are more helpful on email as well so think it would’ve been a waste to call (someone said they didn’t understand her on call)

So, she is going?!
Wow - wasn't expecting that!

 

[Former_Antelopee]

So, she is going?!
Wow - wasn't expecting that!

I wasn’t either I mean I knew she did want to go still but didn’t think she’d risk it.
She asked the consulate if she could take 5 days extra medication incase if emergency etc and they said it should be fine however cannot speak for immigration. So she said she’ll just risk it. Sounds like it’ll be fine from what they said plus what I’ve read online of others experiences.