Difficult friends/friendship moans

[Laughingforlife]

I had a friend that ignored me for 6 months! Wouldn't reply to me or anything. Most peculiar. Then he said "I'll make more of an effort. But the idea of talking to you stressed me out to be honest"
That was in July, and haven't heard from him since!
I've finally stopped trying now. But it does make me sad.
I don't have many friends as it is, and he was one of them, so sometimes I feel a bit lonely.

 

[Babii1234]

Hey guys, this will be a pretty long moan! so, I have been friends with this person for over 10 years. Always really good friends however I have always thought I have done way more for her then she ever has for me to the point where I don’t even bother telling her about my life any more, I have realised she never actually asks me if I’m ok or how I feel about certain things. A few years ago I got into a really nasty controlling relationship, I admit I felt like I had to tell lies at certain times eg not being able to go out because he would make my life hell and she didn’t understand, it was the hardest time of my life and she completely turned her back on me, not because of the lies but because she had lost someone to go out with! A few years after the relationship ended, she then gets back in contact with me and says how much she hated her job I mentioned there was a job at my place and managed to get her an interview. She got the job and at first everything was going really well and it was nice to have her there. I have made a few lovely friends at work I have been there a long time and am very very happy. She has started behaving very strange, being rude to me whilst other people are there confrontational about things which are so small and she could ask me about later but decides to try and make me look like a fool infront of people. A few girls there have even told me she has said things about me whilst I’ve not been there and they had said no we won’t be listening which she didn’t like. A few weekends ago me and one of the girls decided to have a last min night out nothing special just a few drinks in a bar, she has spent all week telling me she has no money etc so I didn’t think to invite her, got a very assy message and now she isn’t talking to me saying I have left her out? I feel like it is all such playground stuff but I am so emotionally drained by her! Help!

 

[lockdown sux]

Hey guys, this will be a pretty long moan! so, I have been friends with this person for over 10 years. Always really good friends however I have always thought I have done way more for her then she ever has for me to the point where I don’t even bother telling her about my life any more, I have realised she never actually asks me if I’m ok or how I feel about certain things. A few years ago I got into a really nasty controlling relationship, I admit I felt like I had to tell lies at certain times eg not being able to go out because he would make my life hell and she didn’t understand, it was the hardest time of my life and she completely turned her back on me, not because of the lies but because she had lost someone to go out with! A few years after the relationship ended, she then gets back in contact with me and says how much she hated her job I mentioned there was a job at my place and managed to get her an interview. She got the job and at first everything was going really well and it was nice to have her there. I have made a few lovely friends at work I have been there a long time and am very very happy. She has started behaving very strange, being rude to me whilst other people are there confrontational about things which are so small and she could ask me about later but decides to try and make me look like a fool infront of people. A few girls there have even told me she has said things about me whilst I’ve not been there and they had said no we won’t be listening which she didn’t like. A few weekends ago me and one of the girls decided to have a last min night out nothing special just a few drinks in a bar, she has spent all week telling me she has no money etc so I didn’t think to invite her, got a very assy message and now she isn’t talking to me saying I have left her out? I feel like it is all such playground stuff but I am so emotionally drained by her! Help!

I think keep away from her.
Don’t tell her your business, be polite at work but don’t engage unless you have to.

 

[Babii1234]

It is so awkward, we have a few plans coming up with friends which I now really do not want to go to, but I think why should I cancel having a good time because of her? But she is the type of person to make a situation all about herself and how she feels so I feel bad she is very manipulative but I feel I’ve got to the point now where I don’t care! She has been an awful friend to me over the years

 

[SpaceshipEarth]

I recognise a lot of my own situation in this thread. I had a bestie who I met at work and we have been really close for the past 7 years. I changed job a year ago and since then I feel like we have just drifted apart. Like a lot of you, I'm the one who always does the organising, suggesting meet ups, messaging little check ins to say hi, sending funny notes and stuff. I always feel like I'm putting in all of the effort and my friend is just too busy to reply. When I call she doesn't pick up and then messages to ask what is wrong. I miss her so much and I'm really sad that changing job meant the end of our friendship because I just didn't expect it. We had more in common outside of work and we would hang out all the time outside work and never talk about work at all. I used to feel so lucky to have a friend like her and now I am just really upset about it, to the point that I'm not sure I can find a way back from it, you know? I see people post on social media all the time saying "oh how great it is that I can ignore my friend for months and then we just pick things right back up, that's what true friendship is" and I just don't agree with that at all! I've always been the one in a friendship to do all the running and it sucks. I'd just like one friend who values me as much as I value them.

As a child free 40 something who works remotely it is really hard to make new friends!

 

[boomska]

I had a friend that ignored me for 6 months! Wouldn't reply to me or anything. Most peculiar. Then he said "I'll make more of an effort. But the idea of talking to you stressed me out to be honest"
That was in July, and haven't heard from him since!
I've finally stopped trying now. But it does make me sad.
I don't have many friends as it is, and he was one of them, so sometimes I feel a bit lonely.

I’m sorry that you went through! I’m currently being phased out by a mate, who is doing pretty much the same! Did he say why it stressed him out? I ask because what if you were being you, and it was too much or you were pushing boundaries but unaware?
I feel you about feeling lonely!

 

[Laughingforlife]

I’m sorry that you went through! I’m currently being phased out by a mate, who is doing pretty much the same! Did he say why it stressed him out? I ask because what if you were being you, and it was too much or you were pushing boundaries but unaware?
I feel you about feeling lonely!

It was probably my fault for texting him too much. But he had time for everyone else! That was the worst thing. Posts that he'd liked would come up on my explore page. So if he had the time to go on Instagram, he should have had the time to talk to me.
And then when he came back he said "oh I went out with my friends to X" and I was thinking "well you clearly weren't as busy as you made out"
I'm sorry you're going through similar. It really hurts doesn't it?

 

[boomska]

It was probably my fault for texting him too much. But he had time for everyone else! That was the worst thing. Posts that he'd liked would come up on my explore page. So if he had the time to go on Instagram, he should have had the time to talk to me.
And then when he came back he said "oh I went out with my friends to X" and I was thinking "well you clearly weren't as busy as you made out"
I'm sorry you're going through similar. It really hurts doesn't it?

Yeah possibly but then to play devils advocate and
hopefully make you feel better, he should’ve said something if you did text too much? Friendships are like relationship, and boundaries sometimes need to be placed. Ignoring someone is a lazy way out. He can say you stress him out but he didn’t ask or say how he stresses you out? My other friend raised that point to me- I HATE being ignored due to trauma and it massively effects me. Which all my friends know, so the fact two friends are doing that to me right now! It’s cruel and sounds like your friend doesn’t care how you feel about this.

I 10000000% know how you feel when you can see them online or been busy with other people!!

 

[abusyday]

This is a really interesting thread

A couple of things I've noticed from my own friendship group

Friends with children or caring responsibilities for elderly relatives often are really busy and it isn't just an excuse. Being in that situation can actually be quite stressful for them too as often you do want to see your friend more often but know you don't have time for it. Especially as you often worry as well that the friend thinks you are deprioritising them.

Some couples with kids make assumptions you wouldn't want to hang out with them and their kids, unless you have kids too. Sometimes letting them know that you would love to go for a, walk and to the playpark some day for example (if you don't mind that) could give them that message that it's ok if their kid is with them. Organising childminding/ cover for elderly relatives can be stressful.

In terms of organising things. There are always the designated organisers among a group of friends and usually it falls to them because organising things can be stressful and most people leave it to the person that usually does it. It can see unfair if you are the person that normally arranges or organises but your friend might think you prefer that role. Eg maybe letting them know that you would love them to pick and time and place next time might help with that.

Also for anyone who is struggling with friends, I definitely advocate meeting new people. Seek out people based on your interests, I know it's not easy but I've met people through groups eg choirs deep sea swimming or through work. And give it time too. Sometimes it takes time for a new friendship to develop.

 

[Laughingforlife]

Yeah possibly but then to play devils advocate and
hopefully make you feel better, he should’ve said something if you did text too much? Friendships are like relationship, and boundaries sometimes need to be placed. Ignoring someone is a lazy way out. He can say you stress him out but he didn’t ask or say how he stresses you out? My other friend raised that point to me- I HATE being ignored due to trauma and it massively effects me. Which all my friends know, so the fact two friends are doing that to me right now! It’s cruel and sounds like your friend doesn’t care how you feel about this.

I 10000000% know how you feel when you can see them online or been busy with other people!!

Yes! He should have said it sooner. And if he hadn't ignored me for so long, the messages wouldn't have piled up anyway.

 

[boomska]

Yes! He should have said it sooner. And if he hadn't ignored me for so long, the messages wouldn't have piled up anyway.

Exactly!! Some people do shy away from confrontation so it might've been hard for him (playing devils advocate again!) to say something but he clearly got to the point where he didn’t care how you feel or would react to that comment or the effect it would have on that friendship. Is that a type of friendship you want? Constantly worried that if you text too much, he cuts you off without saying anything? Puts you in the naughty corner?

I think you’ve got self aware of how you contributed towards this but I dont think you caused this and how It’s made you feel I hope that makes sense. I’m full if cold so my brain is fried!

 

[Laughingforlife]

Exactly!! Some people do shy away from confrontation so it might've been hard for him (playing devils advocate again!) to say something but he clearly got to the point where he didn’t care how you feel or would react to that comment or the effect it would have on that friendship. Is that a type of friendship you want? Constantly worried that if you text too much, he cuts you off without saying anything? Puts you in the naughty corner?

I think you’ve got self aware of how you contributed towards this but I dont think you caused this and how It’s made you feel I hope that’s ok x

No one wants a friendship like that. I have just given up on him now. Texted me at the beginning of September and said "oh I'll try and talk tomorrow", and then that was the last time I heard from him.
I don't understand how he just doesn't care about how his actions impact others? I care about others so much, and put all the effort in and then get nothing in return.

 

[boomska]

No one wants a friendship like that. I have just given up on him now. Texted me at the beginning of September and said "oh I'll try and talk tomorrow", and then that was the last time I heard from him.
I don't understand how he just doesn't care about how his actions impact others? I care about others so much, and put all the effort in and then get nothing in return.

Yeah just leave him to it!! He said he would come to you, so leave him. As a last resort, I would suggest meeting up if it’s bothering you and you value to e friendship.

Because he doesn’t value the same as what you value. And sounds like you’re very self aware and holding yourself accountable for you’re actions, words and impact on the world. As he’s not- he’s doing the opposite.

 

[Laughingforlife]

Yeah just leave him to it!! He said he would come to you, so leave him. As a last resort, I would suggest meeting up if it’s bothering you and you value to e friendship.

Because he doesn’t value the same as what you value. And sounds like you’re very self aware and holding yourself accountable for you’re actions, words and impact on the world. As he’s not- he’s doing the opposite.

Thank you. I'm not sure I even want to see him, and it would be hard as he won't reply to me. He doesn't even read the messages. How can someone see a message and ignore it, knowing that someone is waiting for a reply?
Also, even if I just send one message, he still ignores me, so I don't think it's the amount of messages, now I think of it.

 

[boomska]

Thank you. I'm not sure I even want to see him, and it would be hard as he won't reply to me. He doesn't even read the messages. How can someone see a message and ignore it, knowing that someone is waiting for a reply?
Also, even if I just send one message, he still ignores me, so I don't think it's the amount of messages, now I think of it.

Preach it!!! That’s Whats happening with me, It’s bleeping rude, espically if you’ve been friends for years! Because they’re selfish and just care about themselves and are too cowardly to say something. Or is sadly done with the friendship and are no longer getting what they need from it. But it’s a them issue. Not a you issue.

 

[Laughingforlife]

Preach it!!! That’s Whats happening with me, It’s bleeping rude, espically if you’ve been friends for years! Because they’re selfish and just care about themselves and are too cowardly to say something. Or is sadly done with the friendship and are no longer getting what they need from it. But it’s a them issue. Not a you issue.

It's terribly rude. I'm so sorry you're going through it too. I've been friends with him for about 3 years, so you'd expect more. Especially as he used to get on with me so well. We had some great times, and I'll miss that.

 

[boomska]

It's terribly rude. I'm so sorry you're going through it too. I've been friends with him for about 3 years, so you'd expect more. Especially as he used to get on with me so well. We had some great times, and I'll miss that.

Thank you! I’m the same with my friends. Sometimes you’ve gotta grieve what you had and what you no longer will have. That’s what I’m doing x

 

[Compassionately_judging]

Yes it's harder the older you get because it is harder to replace the friends you lose. I get really lonely often but have no idea where I would meet other people .

 

[elloelloello]

My friends dropped me when I had my first child. I literally have no friends, none. I’m incredibly close with my family, and I have two kids and a partner I love to bits. But no friends. I’m trying to plan my wedding and I don’t even want to because I have nobody to be a maid of honour, brides maids etc. i miss my old best friend so much but it’s been 5 years now and it would never be the same. I keep hoping I’ll make new friends but I’m so introverted I find it difficult. I make an effort with the mums from school, always do play dates but I can’t connect with anyone. I am shy and I think I mask this well as I’m getting older but sometimes I think people think I’m rude when I’m just really shy. It gets me down, I’m glad I have my little family but when I think of the fact that I literally have not a single friend to turn to it makes me incredibly sad.

It feels good to write that down. Sorry if this isn’t the right thread for it, I’m not looking for advice I just needed to get that off my chest.

 

[Black.bird]

I have a bit of an unusual situation with someone who isn't really a friend at all, I feel ...

She lives in another city a few hours' drive away but because of conflicting schedules our contact is always via email. She's just invested in what I'm doing all the time. I will tell her very brief snippets of what I'm doing (I'm not that interesting) but she won't reciprocate. Even if I send her a brief email asking her questions, she won't answer them.

Lately, she's been talking about popping in to visit - she's never been to my house, nor have I been to hers. Yesterday, she emailed me just to say she knows where I live and might just pop in one day. I replied to please do not do that as I do not appreciate surprise visits and suggested she should just wait until I send her an invite one day for lunch, and we'll make a day of it. Of course she hasn't replied, but it's got under my skin. Who even does that? I'm questioning why I even keep in contact with her ... we have very little in common and for the interests we do share, she comes to me for answers without putting the work in.