Difficult friends/friendship moans

[springstudy]

Hey all, I get this so much. I have some friends, but they're all from different groups and areas. And I'm not particularly close with them. I am the kind of person they will text if they're around or bored and want to go for lunch. But any time it's an important holiday or event, they're nowhere to be seen. I realise part of this is that I'm single and usually people spend holidays with their family or whatever, but sometimes I just want "my" people, those people you don't even have to ask to arrange anything with, you just know you're a part of it.

I feel like I'm always the last person to know everything as well. Everytime I make new friends in jobs, I walk into everyone already standing talking about a piece of gossip or something and when I ask "What's up?" they're like "Nothing", then I find out much later. It makes me think I'm not trusted and never a main part of anyone's friend group.

It makes me so sad when I see things on social media of old friends getting surprise parties thrown for them for the most random things, and over the top presents for every single thing. I've never had a party thrown for me, I've never had anyone go out of their way to do anything special for me, I'm definitely a casual friend and never had anyone want to plan anything with me. I remember I actually asked a friend of mine once if she wanted to go travelling somewhere and she said no, a few months later she'd booked the same trip with other people. I asked her why she hadn't gone with me and she told me I just wasn't the sort of friend she felt close enough to go travelling with. To me, at the time, she'd been one of my closest friends so it had hurt me a lot. I don't know how to become close with someone when I already feel like I am? This is also going to sound really stupid and as if I'm just being ridiculous, but I feel like my friends don't ever take photos with me either. I have friends who have really busy instagrams, the kind of people who post every little thing and tag every person they are with. Yet when they're out with me they never want to, even if I suggest it. There have been times I've been in really high rooftop bars, fancy cocktails with them and they still won't post.

And I've watched new people join my work and within days they are out with the main group and having drinks, yet I've been there ages and everyone is nice to me, but I'm not really part of it. I don't understand how to do it, I remember one time in work one of the girls got pregnant and everyone signed a card saying congrats. I had been walking to work and saw in the window of this shop a really cute bunny toy saying congratulations on the front and had went in and bought it, deciding to give it to her to be nice as I thought it was cute. I remember the girl acted really awkward with me and everyone in work kept giving me funny looks that day. The girl then posted on social media that day that she was so grateful for her card, and some gifts that she'd got from people and mine wasn't included in it, but a bunch of stuff from other colleages was. I happened to talk about this to one of my colleages and she told me the girl had felt awkward as she didn't know me that well and didn't know why I'd done that. I had never claimed to know her that well, I was simply being nice and didn't understand why that made it so weird that I was left out of her post as if I'd done something creepy.

It seems to me that my friends that get the most attention and invites everywhere are the people who seem to do the minimum, never text back, don't try with anyone, and yet if I do this I get ignored and no one talks. So, I honestly don't understand but I definitely feel done with making effort with people and have started doing things for myself now which make me happy, but sometimes it would be nice to have people to do the fun things with like travelling, because I find it confusing how so many people do this a lot but yet I can't seem to plan something with anyone

 

[Jadejones9596]

Hi all

This is the first thread I've ever done but just looking for some good old anonymous chat and a moan!

My background... 32 year old female, single and very little family. I have depression and anxiety and I rely heavily on my large circle of friends to do nice things with, to talk to. They meant the world to me.

I get so upset and frustrated sometimes with some of my friend groups as when you try and arrange to meet them they are always 'busy'. I have two different groups who say they are busy for the whole of August! They say they will give you some dates then never do. It's always me arranging things and sometimes I don't feel like I get that effort back.

It really gets me down, I hate having weeks with no social arrangements. Tonight I feel very down. Does anyone else have similar experiences or other friendship based moans? Figure we could do that here

 

[elloelloello]

My friends dropped me when I had my first child. I literally have no friends, none. I’m incredibly close with my family, and I have two kids and a partner I love to bits. But no friends. I’m trying to plan my wedding and I don’t even want to because I have nobody to be a maid of honour, brides maids etc. i miss my old best friend so much but it’s been 5 years now and it would never be the same. I keep hoping I’ll make new friends but I’m so introverted I find it difficult. I make an effort with the mums from school, always do play dates but I can’t connect with anyone. I am shy and I think I mask this well as I’m getting older but sometimes I think people think I’m rude when I’m just really shy. It gets me down, I’m glad I have my little family but when I think of the fact that I literally have not a single friend to turn to it makes me incredibly sad.

It feels good to write that down. Sorry if this isn’t the right thread for it, I’m not looking for advice I just needed to get that off my chest.

 

[proceedwithcaution]

You really find out who you're friends are when you have a baby dont you. My wee girl is 18 months and since having her I've barely heard from my best friend. I get she's at a different stage in life (doesn't have or want kids which is fine!) But she didn't invite me to get bday party, which I could've actually gone to. She got my daughter a Christmas present but hasn't bothered to drop it in even though she passes right past my front door every day (it's not about the present obviously) we had been friends for nearly 15 years so this one stings. Being a mum is so lonely sometimes.

I’m sorry to hear your friend Has treated you this way- it’s hard isn’t it? You feel like suddenly everything you had in common has gone and that bond is just broken.

Funnily enough - It’s the same when you’re the only one who DOESNT have children. I’ve been excluded from things for years because I don’t have them. Friends will invite other friends over for bbqs and days out as families but i get nothing!
In the past year I’ve had three miscarriages. Lots of support after the first one, but now my so called ‘closest friends’ and ‘best friend’ are hardly seen for dust. Posting all over social media the fun times they have with their parent friends or work friends whilst I haven’t had a message in weeks.
Yes I’ve been withdrawn but two of my miscarriages were back to back and the last one was a week before Xmas. You’d think friends of 20+ years would be more aware that I do withdraw when I’ve had bad things happen in the past and this is what I’m doing now. But no. I’m way down the list of priorities.
When I was single some friends occasionally took pity on me and invited me to non kid related stuff, now I have a partner it’s like I’m no longer ‘their responsibility’ (if you know what I mean). It makes me think I must have been a shit friend and shit company if I’m so easily dropped.

So yes I definitely Empathise with what you’re saying about you know who your friends are when you’ve had a baby but it can be equally difficult on ‘the Other side’ as it were!

 

[Chickenandgravy]

You really find out who you're friends are when you have a baby dont you. My wee girl is 18 months and since having her I've barely heard from my best friend. I get she's at a different stage in life (doesn't have or want kids which is fine!) But she didn't invite me to get bday party, which I could've actually gone to. She got my daughter a Christmas present but hasn't bothered to drop it in even though she passes right past my front door every day (it's not about the present obviously) we had been friends for nearly 15 years so this one stings. Being a mum is so lonely sometimes.

 

[SpaceshipEarth]

I recognise a lot of my own situation in this thread. I had a bestie who I met at work and we have been really close for the past 7 years. I changed job a year ago and since then I feel like we have just drifted apart. Like a lot of you, I'm the one who always does the organising, suggesting meet ups, messaging little check ins to say hi, sending funny notes and stuff. I always feel like I'm putting in all of the effort and my friend is just too busy to reply. When I call she doesn't pick up and then messages to ask what is wrong. I miss her so much and I'm really sad that changing job meant the end of our friendship because I just didn't expect it. We had more in common outside of work and we would hang out all the time outside work and never talk about work at all. I used to feel so lucky to have a friend like her and now I am just really upset about it, to the point that I'm not sure I can find a way back from it, you know? I see people post on social media all the time saying "oh how great it is that I can ignore my friend for months and then we just pick things right back up, that's what true friendship is" and I just don't agree with that at all! I've always been the one in a friendship to do all the running and it sucks. I'd just like one friend who values me as much as I value them.

As a child free 40 something who works remotely it is really hard to make new friends!

 

[jamjamjamjam]

Just got a message from an old friend who basically disappeared after getting married, saying how nice it'd be to catch up. We haven't spoken properly for about 2 years so I was a bit like...why is she suddenly reaching out?

Turns out she's getting a divorce lmao. Thanks for remembering who I am now .

 

[flower3070]

So this has happened over about two months and I just need some advice on tackling it. We’ve recently had a new girl join our office who’s just moved here from abroad so doesn’t know anyone minus some family she had over here already. We both for my dad's company and her and my dad are both big friendly personality types. However, I find her actions can come across really flirty. E.g. texting him whilst he’s abroad on holiday, calling him on teams when he’s working from home to ‘check in on him’, texting him of an evening about stuff not even relating to work, wanting to join the gym with him. This initially in itself is making me uncomfortable, and I’ve been thinking about how to bring it up but chalked it down to her being a friendly & flirty. Equally on the other hand though my dad always shares stories about our family, my Mum who passed away, his current gf etc all whilst in the office just as day to day office chat.

I now feel as though she knows my work personality but also a lot about my family life and I’ve found her bringing up stories about my family members that she’s heard or saying stuff like ‘oh you can tell your dad really loves you’ which I just find a bit uncomfortable to be happening in my work office? It almost feels as though she’s trying to become a part of my family or something? I just find it strange.

Next, me and a group of my friends attend a pub quiz once a week. We once won a bag of sweets for coming 5th and no one wanted them, so I harmlessly brought them into work. She asked me where I got them, I thought nothing of it and said ‘oh just a pub quiz’ she then says ‘oh I love quizzes I’m so coming to this I’m inviting myself’ I brushed it off with a laugh and thought it would be a plan that never amounted to anything. However, after she asked a second time I thought oh whatever it'll be fine she can come along it'll be nice for her to meet people.

Between inviting her and her actually coming to one, I’m finding I’m at the stage where everything she does annoys me at work, the constant loud personality, the flirting, I'm even starting to fall behind on my work because she's always talking to me. I’m starting to find her loud personality quite a lot to deal with for 40 hours a week and now once a week on an evening for 5 hours. I also feel as though I’m pressured to constantly sit by her, laugh at her jokes and talk to her as I invited her into the group, when really I just want to see and catch up with my friends, most of whom I only see at this once a week pub quiz but I find I’m no longer able to do that without this girl getting involved. She then keeps bringing up little things at work like '___ said this to me' as thought she's suddenly best friends with my whole group even after meeting them only a few times. She's also said a few shady/bitchy things about one of my friends who comes which made me uncomfortable.

The final straw however was this weekend she told me she was busy every night of the weekend going on 3 different dates. I asked her about each one where she was going etc. She mentioned Saturday she was going out for drinks with a guy in a town close to us. I then get a text from my best friend saying ‘___ has asked if I’m free for plans this Saturday I thought I'd ask you too and maybe we could all go out together’ I just found it massively shady to tell me you’re busy but try and make plans with my best friend behind my back and without me there. As I didn’t want to hang out with her for longer than the 45 hours I’ve already spent with this week I found myself saying no to the drinks out with my best friend. They’re now going out today without me and I just feel like I'm almost being pushed out of my group after inviting her in and it's driving me crazy.

She's constantly inviting herself onto things and I just feel I'm losing my identity. It just all feels like this massive jumble where my work life, friend life and family life are all combined, and I just hate it. I’m more so just looking for some advice as to how to tell her to back off a bit without sounding heartless. I get that she’s moved her from a new country so doesn’t know anyone which must be hard but it's just all too much for me. It probably is a bit dramatic and over the top but I just can’t see a future where she’s not at every single future event I attend and I just want some time alone to spend with my friends / family. As I said mainly just looking for any advice on how to approach the situation and speak to her about it without coming across like a bitch.

 

[Hollie Day]

So this has happened over about two months and I just need some advice on tackling it. We’ve recently had a new girl join our office who’s just moved here from abroad so doesn’t know anyone minus some family she had over here already. We both for my dad's company and her and my dad are both big friendly personality types. However, I find her actions can come across really flirty. E.g. texting him whilst he’s abroad on holiday, calling him on teams when he’s working from home to ‘check in on him’, texting him of an evening about stuff not even relating to work, wanting to join the gym with him. This initially in itself is making me uncomfortable, and I’ve been thinking about how to bring it up but chalked it down to her being a friendly & flirty. Equally on the other hand though my dad always shares stories about our family, my Mum who passed away, his current gf etc all whilst in the office just as day to day office chat.

I now feel as though she knows my work personality but also a lot about my family life and I’ve found her bringing up stories about my family members that she’s heard or saying stuff like ‘oh you can tell your dad really loves you’ which I just find a bit uncomfortable to be happening in my work office? It almost feels as though she’s trying to become a part of my family or something? I just find it strange.

Next, me and a group of my friends attend a pub quiz once a week. We once won a bag of sweets for coming 5th and no one wanted them, so I harmlessly brought them into work. She asked me where I got them, I thought nothing of it and said ‘oh just a pub quiz’ she then says ‘oh I love quizzes I’m so coming to this I’m inviting myself’ I brushed it off with a laugh and thought it would be a plan that never amounted to anything. However, after she asked a second time I thought oh whatever it'll be fine she can come along it'll be nice for her to meet people.

Between inviting her and her actually coming to one, I’m finding I’m at the stage where everything she does annoys me at work, the constant loud personality, the flirting, I'm even starting to fall behind on my work because she's always talking to me. I’m starting to find her loud personality quite a lot to deal with for 40 hours a week and now once a week on an evening for 5 hours. I also feel as though I’m pressured to constantly sit by her, laugh at her jokes and talk to her as I invited her into the group, when really I just want to see and catch up with my friends, most of whom I only see at this once a week pub quiz but I find I’m no longer able to do that without this girl getting involved. She then keeps bringing up little things at work like '___ said this to me' as thought she's suddenly best friends with my whole group even after meeting them only a few times. She's also said a few shady/bitchy things about one of my friends who comes which made me uncomfortable.

The final straw however was this weekend she told me she was busy every night of the weekend going on 3 different dates. I asked her about each one where she was going etc. She mentioned Saturday she was going out for drinks with a guy in a town close to us. I then get a text from my best friend saying ‘___ has asked if I’m free for plans this Saturday I thought I'd ask you too and maybe we could all go out together’ I just found it massively shady to tell me you’re busy but try and make plans with my best friend behind my back and without me there. As I didn’t want to hang out with her for longer than the 45 hours I’ve already spent with this week I found myself saying no to the drinks out with my best friend. They’re now going out today without me and I just feel like I'm almost being pushed out of my group after inviting her in and it's driving me crazy.

She's constantly inviting herself onto things and I just feel I'm losing my identity. It just all feels like this massive jumble where my work life, friend life and family life are all combined, and I just hate it. I’m more so just looking for some advice as to how to tell her to back off a bit without sounding heartless. I get that she’s moved her from a new country so doesn’t know anyone which must be hard but it's just all too much for me. It probably is a bit dramatic and over the top but I just can’t see a future where she’s not at every single future event I attend and I just want some time alone to spend with my friends / family. As I said mainly just looking for any advice on how to approach the situation and speak to her about it without coming across like a bitch.

Single white female vibes ( the film) If she's new, can't you have a word with your dad and get him to let her go after her probationary period. She's distruptive and intrusive - talking too much and preventing you from getting in with your work.

 

[lockdown sux]

Hey guys, this will be a pretty long moan! so, I have been friends with this person for over 10 years. Always really good friends however I have always thought I have done way more for her then she ever has for me to the point where I don’t even bother telling her about my life any more, I have realised she never actually asks me if I’m ok or how I feel about certain things. A few years ago I got into a really nasty controlling relationship, I admit I felt like I had to tell lies at certain times eg not being able to go out because he would make my life hell and she didn’t understand, it was the hardest time of my life and she completely turned her back on me, not because of the lies but because she had lost someone to go out with! A few years after the relationship ended, she then gets back in contact with me and says how much she hated her job I mentioned there was a job at my place and managed to get her an interview. She got the job and at first everything was going really well and it was nice to have her there. I have made a few lovely friends at work I have been there a long time and am very very happy. She has started behaving very strange, being rude to me whilst other people are there confrontational about things which are so small and she could ask me about later but decides to try and make me look like a fool infront of people. A few girls there have even told me she has said things about me whilst I’ve not been there and they had said no we won’t be listening which she didn’t like. A few weekends ago me and one of the girls decided to have a last min night out nothing special just a few drinks in a bar, she has spent all week telling me she has no money etc so I didn’t think to invite her, got a very assy message and now she isn’t talking to me saying I have left her out? I feel like it is all such playground stuff but I am so emotionally drained by her! Help!

I think keep away from her.
Don’t tell her your business, be polite at work but don’t engage unless you have to.

 

[Longtimesnooper]

I've really been thinking about my relationship with my friends lately & it honestly made me feel so down. I always put in the effort to arrange meet ups with my old school friendship group & it would be so frustrating with people not replying or committing that I stopped, "someone else can do it" I'd think & no one would. I'd meet up with them one on one, again me doing the groundwork.
Same with a few ex work mates who I do consider actual friends. One who I would consider a close friend, went to the pub most weekends, cinema & out for food, or even just hung out at hers, has vanished. I always did the planning. As soon as I moved jobs I'd have to be the one to make the first move. She got in touch a few months ago asking if I wanted to go see a show, I thought, aww nice of her to think of me. Turns out i was the fifth option, after a girl she briefly worked with & her three most unreliable friends. I actually said "nice to know where I come in your list of friends." I know a few of them would say its cos I've had a child but they were like this before. Honestly just makes me feel pretty crappy about myself

 

[Longtimesnooper]

I posted my story early on in the thread saying how I'd really been thinking about the friendships that have vanished. Yesterday was my birthday & honestly it's made me feel even worse about it (I'm also pregnant & off my anti depressants so could be that also). I know it's stupid to over think it & Facebook really isn't the be all & end all, but the lack of birthday messages from certain people has got to me. Old school friends that I always wish a happy birthday to, nothing for me Yesterday. Maybe to make matters worse it's my friends birthday today & I see people wishing them a happy birthday that didn't to me, even though I would say they had more of a connection with me. To make matters worse (overthinking is a bitch) my best friend sent me a happy birthday text (fine) but did a big fb post for our friends today. I've also discovered her mum has deleted me on Facebook!
I know it sounds ridiculous but had to get it off my mind

 

[ElChanguito]

I have a long time friend of mine some precious things that had belonged my mother and grandmother that I no longer had space for. She doesn’t know that I know what her daughter‘s eBay account is and every single thing i gave her is now for sale on there! 🥲

 

[Blonde_moment]

Yes I relate! I’m 39, single Mum. I am opposite in that I only have a few what I would class as close friends and the others are more acquaintances. I feel like I’m always the one to suggest meeting up and it really gets to me. Makes me feel like nobody is bothered about seeing me. I have a friend who is totally different in that she never makes an effort or plans to arrange anything by her own admission. And yet she is always busy because people are always contacting her and inviting her to do things. Makes me think where do I go wrong? I can spend weekend after weekend alone and it does get me down at times.

 

[BonBon27]

I don’t know if other people feel jealous/petty about friendships, maybe it’s just me, but I’d really like to know if I’m ever going to grow out of it?!?
I’m in this trio of friends - we’re all 40, we’re all mums, we have other groups of friends etc but we’ve known each other since school and I think I’m quite close to both of them. Only for them to post about each other as “my best friend”. It still hurts even though I know it shouldn’t because we’re not on the playground anymore
And in my other close group of different friends who aren’t from my school days there are five of us….last year on my birthday none of them posted about me. Traditionally they do, and last year when I was 40 I was kind of expecting it because they are all a bit older than me and we’d all posted for the other birthdays. Than mine, nothing. Since then they’ve posted for each other, and other people they know. And I know it’s silly, and petty, and shouldn’t matter. They all sent me cards and bought me a present and we had a meal out to celebrate. But to be the only one who didn’t get a Facebook fuss really made me sad. It’s been months and whenever I see any of them post for someone else’s birthday, it still makes me sad!

 

[helplol]

I posted my story early on in the thread saying how I'd really been thinking about the friendships that have vanished. Yesterday was my birthday & honestly it's made me feel even worse about it (I'm also pregnant & off my anti depressants so could be that also). I know it's stupid to over think it & Facebook really isn't the be all & end all, but the lack of birthday messages from certain people has got to me. Old school friends that I always wish a happy birthday to, nothing for me Yesterday. Maybe to make matters worse it's my friends birthday today & I see people wishing them a happy birthday that didn't to me, even though I would say they had more of a connection with me. To make matters worse (overthinking is a bitch) my best friend sent me a happy birthday text (fine) but did a big fb post for our friends today. I've also discovered her mum has deleted me on Facebook!
I know it sounds ridiculous but had to get it off my mind

I can kinda relate - my ex-bestie’s mum also recently deleted me of facebook. I was so shocked haha.
I know it sounds counter-productive, but deleting facebook really helped me to heal from loneliness/feeling rejected by friends. Your true friends will have your number and will still text you. Sometimes it’s better to move on and make new friends and to stop watering dead plants. Facebook also made me feel like a huge failure for not being married/pregnant, so that is why I dont miss it too.

Hope my advice helps somewhat

 

[Norfolking Good]

I have a bit of an unusual situation with someone who isn't really a friend at all, I feel ...

She lives in another city a few hours' drive away but because of conflicting schedules our contact is always via email. She's just invested in what I'm doing all the time. I will tell her very brief snippets of what I'm doing (I'm not that interesting) but she won't reciprocate. Even if I send her a brief email asking her questions, she won't answer them.

Lately, she's been talking about popping in to visit - she's never been to my house, nor have I been to hers. Yesterday, she emailed me just to say she knows where I live and might just pop in one day. I replied to please do not do that as I do not appreciate surprise visits and suggested she should just wait until I send her an invite one day for lunch, and we'll make a day of it. Of course she hasn't replied, but it's got under my skin. Who even does that? I'm questioning why I even keep in contact with her ... we have very little in common and for the interests we do share, she comes to me for answers without putting the work in.

Im a fan of the slow fade, just stop sending her emails and see if she reciprocates. Maybe if she does keep the info minimal and it might just stop altogether. You don’t have to actively fall out.
I’ve got to the point where if a friendship is one sided or it’s emotionally exhausting they get faded out because friendship is a two way thing. You can’t give all the time and get nothing in return.

 

[Compassionately_judging]

I think I've found my people. Can we all just meet up and be friends please ? Think it would be easier

 

[BonBon27]

This thread makes me sad because you all sound lovely, and now we’re all grown up you’d think playground issues would be done with by now and it would be easy to have secure friendships with people wouldn’t you? But also gives me comfort that it’s not just me!

I’ve said on another thread about friendships that I’m insecure. I had a close group of friends from school (“we’re more like sisters” being words you’d often hear!) and then when I was 34 my mum died. I’m the first of us to lose a mum. And I lost three friendships too. Those people just could not be there for me in the way I needed and I changed through my grief and was no longer the person they knew. It hurt so much, I’ve grieved for that along with my mum. Two others went a bit crap at the time but have since apologised and we’ve worked through it so I’m now on closer terms with them.
Anyway the loss of friendships has really made me insecure with others and now I doubt and question every relationship. I always feel like I’m on the outside of things. Like all the friends I have seem to have other friends they would prioritise over me. I can feel like I’m close to a couple of people, but then I’ll see them with their other friends and realise they hang out/message/talk with them a lot more and actually, I’m on the edge of it all. Pretty depressing.

 

[Laughingforlife]

I had a friend that ignored me for 6 months! Wouldn't reply to me or anything. Most peculiar. Then he said "I'll make more of an effort. But the idea of talking to you stressed me out to be honest"
That was in July, and haven't heard from him since!
I've finally stopped trying now. But it does make me sad.
I don't have many friends as it is, and he was one of them, so sometimes I feel a bit lonely.