My grandad is dying. It's not a shock, he is super old and frail. He has always been in my life but we never had a close relationship. Obviously my dad (his son) is very down. It's a difficult one to navigate.
New to Tattle Life? Click "Order Thread by Most Liked Posts" button below to get an idea of what the site is about:
I am so sorry to read this ChickenLicking
You will be in shock just now. I lost my husband 6 years ago this month and more recently my best friend. What I can say is that it does get easier day by day. You don't get over it but you do learn to live with it. Please take all the support that is offered to you, people do not mind and want to help. There will be a lot to navigate over the coming weeks and months but you will get through it. Just take it minute by minute and don't make any life changing decisions in the early days.Sending you and your son strength and love x
Thank you for your kind words, I am indeed still in shock and keep expecting to see him around the house. I am finding the paperwork routine is really helping though xI am so sorry to read this ChickenLicking
Sending you and your son strength and love x
I totally get this. I found it quite therapeutic and gave me something to focus on. I am not sure what age you are but I found WAY (widowed and young) really usefuI just read over their website on days I was struggling but l think they have a closed FB group you can join.
Eta: please make sure you apply for your bereavement support payment https://www.gov.uk/bereavement-support-payment
Love to everybody who is suffering through bereavement. Recent or not. My parents died 4 and 6 years ago and it still can ambush me when I least expect it. I miss them both so terribly.
Thank you
I am 48, I was 15 years and 3 months younger than my husband. My mum was 31 and had 3 young children way back in 1980 - like you say, whatever age you are, it's difficult.I love the practical gov.uk website link too. I used to be a Civil Servant so those kind of things really useful.
---
It hits in waves doesn't it? I hadn't lost anyone significant for quite a few years now.
This might be venty so I apologise in advance. I lost my mum suddenly at the end of november and honestly I have been so busy sorting out finances I havent even had time to think about her really being gone.
She was terrible with money all her life, had undiagnosed mental health issues, would give someone her last tenner and then not pay bills, always in debt. Luckily she left my dad's name off most things and had no estate but we are still trying to figure stuff out and wait for bills to come through.
There is also massive family drama as she managed my nanna's accounts and didnt pay off a credit card for her so its accumilated lots of interest over the years. My uncle and nanna are denying the interest and saying mum spent it all. My mum was bedbound for many years and never spent a penny on herself. Nanna has massive issues with memory and has denied having a credit card but is now saying she did and gave mum money to pay it off. For context my nanna has a lot of money, she has thousands stashed around the house and the last time her house was evaluated in the late 90s it was worth 350k. So her and my uncle are saying they never trusted her with money yet my uncle never stepped in to actually manage my nannas accounts himself. Anyway they have now reported my dead mother to the police for fraud.
She was terrible with money all her life, had undiagnosed mental health issues, would give someone her last tenner and then not pay bills, always in debt. Luckily she left my dad's name off most things and had no estate but we are still trying to figure stuff out and wait for bills to come through.
There is also massive family drama as she managed my nanna's accounts and didnt pay off a credit card for her so its accumilated lots of interest over the years. My uncle and nanna are denying the interest and saying mum spent it all. My mum was bedbound for many years and never spent a penny on herself. Nanna has massive issues with memory and has denied having a credit card but is now saying she did and gave mum money to pay it off. For context my nanna has a lot of money, she has thousands stashed around the house and the last time her house was evaluated in the late 90s it was worth 350k. So her and my uncle are saying they never trusted her with money yet my uncle never stepped in to actually manage my nannas accounts himself. Anyway they have now reported my dead mother to the police for fraud.
OMG that is awful! It sounds like your mum wasn't capable of managing her own finances and may have been taken advantage of re the credit card. I would speak to Citizens Advice and a lawyer.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum. I found when I lost my husband and more recently my best friend, it was the aftermath that caused the most pain.
Sending you strength x
---
WAY is for anyone 51 and under and has thousands of members. I found it helpful to read other peoples stories and realising I wasn't alone.Thank you
I love the practical gov.uk website link too. I used to be a Civil Servant so those kind of things really useful.
---
I'm so sorry to hear this and thinking of you both. If you need anything or just to come on here and vent and get your feelings out we are all here xxx
Well legally they cant go after my dad, he lives in a rented house, no car, on disability benefits and has no savings. His name isnt on any documentation for my nanna anyway. Honestly not sure what they think they are going to achieve except sever our relationship with them.
They could be looking to get the debt written off by the credit card company. Im guessing it a large amount due for them to go to all this bother?
Yea I think that is what they are hoping for. It is fairly large but even if it was 500 they would still do the same tbh.
So I thought I would give an update to the uncle nobhead/nanna sitation. Havent heard anything back about the debts reagrding police or clearing them but nobhead has put cameras no only in my nannas living room but in her bedroom and facing her bathroom..."in case she has a fall" bleeping rank. He also has told her she is only allowed to draw out 50 pounds a week. My mum was a lot of things and tit with money but she never ever withheld money from my nanna, she always encouraged her to enjoy herself with it.
Does anyone have power of attorney over your Nanna’s finances? Do you know if she has a will?
TBH if he has genuine concerns then cameras covering every room isn’t abnormal. However if he’s trying to locate her money stash’s that’s a different story.
If they want to deny credit interest then the only way I think is to file a police report as the bank would require this so again, while tit if your Mum was responsible for paying back the debt and tgere was money to cover it, it’s the only option. I know of parents who’ve had to report their kids as they are unable to pay back the debts they’ve accrued on their behalf so it’s the only way to get it written off.
Why did your Nanna have a CC in the first place if she had available cash?
If you suspect financial abuse from your uncle or that he’s controlling her finances because he’ll get what’s left I would seek advice however if he genuinely feels your Nanna isn’t capable of making financial decisions and wants to avoid her being scammed by outsiders then does she realistically need more than £50 a week?
Looking at is from an outside perspective, what your uncle is doing doesn’t sound unrealistic or u fair and could be taken as protecting his Mum because he didn’t realise your Mum had mishandled her finances, why would he have?
However it can also be seen as him being controlling to protect his own interests so I think it needs a pragmatic approach to look at what’s really happening here.
She has a will, we have a copy of it which states that everything should be shared between my uncle and mum and if one of those dies(ie my mum) her share goes to myself and my sister. My mum was never fussed about getting anything and said it would go to us either way. My uncle will just take his share and not give any to his kids or grandchildren.
I don't disagree with going to the police, it has just been the way they have gone about it. They have both said for years and years that my mum cant handle finances but have never stepped in to take over. My uncle would even give my mum his bank details to pay for holidays and stuff. So its like you are saying you dont trust her but yet you are also wanting her to carry on?
My nanna had a credit card as she wanted one to take on a trip to America. She denies all this but my sister and myself have clear memories of all this happening. Now she is saying she wanted a credit card etc. Basically my nanna(and uncle) will do anything for more money, she is also on the highest form of benefits you can get, hence why she has stashes of cash around the house. She spent 3 years wearing a neck brace because she pretended to have a bad neck.
My uncle tried to set up cameras before and my mum went mad as she said it would be a violation of my nannas privacy, he is pretty much going to see her get undressed, bathe, go to the loo etc. I think some of it is so he can see what shes doing. He wont get her one of those little alert things either and she wont pay for one.
It is a tricky situation as my nanna has memory issues but she will also make stuff up. Everyone who has ever been in her house she has accused of stealing something only for it to turn up later cos she had put it somewhere.
A lot of the thing with my uncle stems from him knowing that she has taken equity from the house and whatever is left of her estate will go on debts which will mean less money for him. It is all about the money at the end of the day. Honestly my mums side of the family is a mess.
My nanna was pretty much on her death bed a few years ago and all my uncle was bothered about was what jewellry of hers he wanted. When my other uncle was dying in ITU my nanna had to give my uncle 200 as my dying uncle had borrowed it from him and he was kicking off that he wanted the money back.