You’ve reached out already so I would leave it now to see if he does.
Dating after lockdown #5 The MANdemic
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I think there is definitely a show off tone to it.I wonder if it’s a statement as if to say ‘and I expect the same from you’? Like I have my tit together and you should too. Or maybe an inkling they’ll charge rent when you sleep over
"own car, own house, own teeth and 7ft 10, abs like a washboard and long haul holidays 6 times a year"
He's trying to entice you to swipe right basing all his emphasis on his superficial and material qualities.
I am much more likely to swipe right though if his bio is genuinely about what he likes doing or what makes his heart happy or is a little bit funny..
I'm not interested if he owns his house. We can work that out later
Yes good advice, thank you, I'll give him some space and if he returns he does and if he doesn't then it's no boggy
Going off this thread a lot of men just like to hook up once or twice and think nothing of it.. I think it’s best to ask what they are looking for at the start of talking if you want more than that.
Do you think you’d get an honest answer to this though?
We do and they lie A LOT. You have to be discerning and not sleep with them too soon if you fear that’s what they’re after. If you don’t, you very quickly find out if that’s their deal!
*FYI - I get accused of being [delete as applicable] harsh/witchy/annoying/not part of the regular mean girls cliche - there is nothing wrong with sleeping with a man on a fist/second date if you feel like it, but understand that it probably means it won’t last. Not always, but usually in this day and age sadly!
I honestly think if that’s the kind of man they are, it doesn’t matter when you sleep with them, they will always do what they were always going to do. Whether that’s after date 2 or date 22.
See I did! I asked him once on the app if he was looking for long term. Then once in person when we had a little conversation about whether it was too early to have sex (I said do you just want to have sex, its okay if you do I just need it to be clear) both times he reassured me he was looking for more than just sex
I guess he could have been looking for more and he's telling the truth but after the sex he changed his mind because we just didn't connect emotionally or sexually and he was no longer feeling it etc.
I found quite a good article this morning attempting to explain it from the male pov... I'll try find it again and post
yeah exactly, lots of men will just say anything to get what they want. I always view it as ultimately sleeping with someone early on you will find out what kind of person they are, if they ghost you after sleeping together they would do it eventually anyway, then just view it as you had (hopefully
) a fun night
I think it’s so you know they don’t live with parents so you can go round for a casual bag
It seems to be a thing now to ask ‘who do you live with’ - at first I thought maybe they’re angling to see if I have kids but when I say I don’t have kids they say ‘cool but who do you live with’ and then I get the creeps and unmatch.I think it’s so you know they don’t live with parents so you can go round for a casual bag
On waiting for sex some of my best relationships have been with guys I’ve slept with on the first date but I feel like now that the apps give such open access to sexual partners that I’d rather wait. I read a great article about it years ago that said you never get to go back to the part of your relationship where you are two people who like each other but haven’t slept together yet….so enjoy it as a time you’ll never have with them again. That keeps me going through the quiet times
As soon as the topic of sex came up he was more than willing to share all! Not to generalise, but I think being French he was very open about it.
For those asking, unfortunately no he was from Paris
See whereas I have never had a relationship with a guy I slept with too soon. I admit that’s partly my attitude too. I’m also totally put off by a man who is willing to have sex so quickly because I would also like to meet the guy who thinks it’s worth waiting for, as I always do if I’m serious about someone. If I end up in bed with a man after one or two dates I rarely ever see them again. It’s interesting that they always want to see me, but I’m like a bloke and think nah been there, done that! All that wonderful tension and build up is a total thing of the past and it sucks.It seems to be a thing now to ask ‘who do you live with’ - at first I thought maybe they’re angling to see if I have kids but when I say I don’t have kids they say ‘cool but who do you live with’ and then I get the creeps and unmatch.
On waiting for sex some of my best relationships have been with guys I’ve slept with on the first date but I feel like now that the apps give such open access to sexual partners that I’d rather wait. I read a great article about it years ago that said you never get to go back to the part of your relationship where you are two people who like each other but haven’t slept together yet….so enjoy it as a time you’ll never have with them again. That keeps me going through the quiet times
Doesn’t matter if you ask and get it signed in blood, a lot of men will lie to get what they want and move on. It’s an awful feeling when this happens, particularly if you felt you’d been really clear about what you were looking for and they’d confirmed they were on the same page.
I’m not sure it matters how long you wait either, if their plan is to pump and dump they’ll hold out. The only thing you can do is be sure you want to sleep with them - you’re not coerced into it thinking it will make a relationship more likely - and that you’re prepared that they may turn around and bolt when you do. It’s an awful world we live in when you have to prepare yourself for disappointment like this but none of it is your fault.
Be warned, some of these men will come crawling back with a lot of excuses about why they ran - “it felt it was moving too quickly”, “I wasn’t ready for a relationship”, “I had loads going on and didn’t have time for a relationship”, or some who just pretend no time has elapsed and they’re picking things up from the day before. Make sure you don’t engage or better still tell them you were secretly pleased they did a runner because you weren’t sure how to tell them their pen was too small and they couldn’t satisfy you in bed.
I’m not sure it matters how long you wait either, if their plan is to pump and dump they’ll hold out. The only thing you can do is be sure you want to sleep with them - you’re not coerced into it thinking it will make a relationship more likely - and that you’re prepared that they may turn around and bolt when you do. It’s an awful world we live in when you have to prepare yourself for disappointment like this but none of it is your fault.
Be warned, some of these men will come crawling back with a lot of excuses about why they ran - “it felt it was moving too quickly”, “I wasn’t ready for a relationship”, “I had loads going on and didn’t have time for a relationship”, or some who just pretend no time has elapsed and they’re picking things up from the day before. Make sure you don’t engage or better still tell them you were secretly pleased they did a runner because you weren’t sure how to tell them their pen was too small and they couldn’t satisfy you in bed.
Of course men will lie and say they’re looking for more if the option of sex is on the table but the woman will only do it if it’s not casual 
This is why having boundaries and waiting for a while weeds out the ones that are in it for an easy ride (for lack of a better phrase!) Especially if you go on actual dates and make them put in effort, they need to invest in you consistently before you partake in anything sexual.
This advice is obviously for people who want actual relationships, if you’re looking for casual sex too then more power to you.
This is why having boundaries and waiting for a while weeds out the ones that are in it for an easy ride (for lack of a better phrase!) Especially if you go on actual dates and make them put in effort, they need to invest in you consistently before you partake in anything sexual.This advice is obviously for people who want actual relationships, if you’re looking for casual sex too then more power to you.
It’s one of the very first questions I ask a lad. 9/10 will say they just want to see what happens but I’m never too fussed as I always like to take a chilled approach.
I’d never meet a lad too quickly though if I didn’t just want sex. I always take a bit of time to get to know someone before I meet them and I’ve never been ghosted or ducked and chucked.
I think there’s a big difference a pump and dump and the ‘not wanting anything too serious’ crowd, but you are right in that you shouldn’t sleep with someone with the expectation of a relationship. Some guys might actually be looking for relationships, but decide after a few dates they just don’t want one with you, which is up to them but of course most of them will still have sex with you if they can, either way! I definitely don’t agree a pump and dump will wait months, unless they’re a total psychopath!
The very first man I met from an app did this to me. It was years ago and I was incredibly naive as to what kind of men were out there and how manipulative some of them could be.
On the surface of it, he had everything I could have wanted and he was unbelievably charming. We had three dates in rapid succession (which I’m now incredibly wary of - anything that feels like love bombing will send me a million miles in the opposite direction
) and I slept with him after the third. He stayed the night and I remember as he left the next morning I was on absolute cloud 9, couldn’t believe my luck.He began the process of phasing me out almost immediately. I remember that week, I would go out walking for hours at a time leaving my phone at home or lock my phone in my desk drawer at work so I wouldn’t keep checking it. When I finally accepted what had happened, I completely broke down, I’d never felt so used, manipulated and stupid in my life. He came crawling back about 6 months later as though no time had passed at all asking if I wanted to meet for a drink. Either completely oblivious to what he’d done, or very aware of it and wanting to see if he still had a foot in the door.
It was only after speaking to my best friend, who had been on apps for years and had seen it all before, that I realised how common this behaviour is. I’m much more cautious now about letting my mind run away with itself and judge people entirely on their actions, not their words. One sniff of a red flag or behaviour that feels off, i disengage immediately
So, three days since date and roast dinner guy has been fairly quiet. We spoke a bit yesterday, but nothing yesterday evening or today. I'm waiting for him to suggest a second date, he'd sounded pretty keen on Sunday... Grr, I hate this limbo, even though I know that if he was being mega-keen, I'd be slightly put off by that too...
Many of us who’ve used the apps for a length of time will have a story like this. The worst thing is when someone honestly believes it was their fault, like they’d done something wrong or could have changed the outcome.The very first man I met from an app did this to me. It was years ago and I was incredibly naive as to what kind of men were out there and how manipulative some of them could be.
On the surface of it, he had everything I could have wanted and he was unbelievably charming. We had three dates in rapid succession (which I’m now incredibly wary of - anything that feels like love bombing will send me a million miles in the opposite direction
He began the process of phasing me out almost immediately. I remember that week, I would go out walking for hours at a time leaving my phone at home or lock my phone in my desk drawer at work so I wouldn’t keep checking it. When I finally accepted what had happened, I completely broke down, I’d never felt so used, manipulated and stupid in my life. He came crawling back about 6 months later as though no time had passed at all asking if I wanted to meet for a drink. Either completely oblivious to what he’d done, or very aware of it and wanting to see if he still had a foot in the door.
It was only after speaking to my best friend, who had been on apps for years and had seen it all before, that I realised how common this behaviour is. I’m much more cautious now about letting my mind run away with itself and judge people entirely on their actions, not their words. One sniff of a red flag or behaviour that feels off, i disengage immediately
the worst thing that happened to me on a dating app was when I was living abroad and about to move back home, I met a guy just for some casual fun but weirdly we realised we really liked each other, I left but the plan was for me to move back as soon as I had finished some work I had to do. we spoke on the phone often, then suddenly he just stopped replying. eventually about after about a week of silence he told me he had got back with his ex. I was of course devastated as I rarely meet people I like and was a mess for a long time. And the worst thing about it was he said "but you know you just said you wanted casual fun", which was true initially, but it was as if we hadn't both spoken about changing our minds after meeting.
A year later he messaged me on my birthday and I semi tipsily suggested he come and visit. He booked a flight and came a few days later, stayed for a week, met my parents etc. We spoke about it and he said he wouldn't do what he had done before again as he realised he liked me. He leaves and EXACTLY the same thing happens again, he quickly (within days of getting home) has a new girlfriend. They then quickly got engaged and now have a child together. I was just angry I let myself be treated like this twice. I am still angry about it.
A year later he messaged me on my birthday and I semi tipsily suggested he come and visit. He booked a flight and came a few days later, stayed for a week, met my parents etc. We spoke about it and he said he wouldn't do what he had done before again as he realised he liked me. He leaves and EXACTLY the same thing happens again, he quickly (within days of getting home) has a new girlfriend. They then quickly got engaged and now have a child together. I was just angry I let myself be treated like this twice. I am still angry about it.
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