Cheating

[Medusah80]

I thought I would get away with it,I didn’t .She caught us in bed, it broke her heart.She begged me to stop and think of our child but at that time I didn’t care .
its been 8yrs and I regret it .
if anyone is thinking of cheating STOP it’s not worth it, end your relationship first before moving on to the next one.

 

[roundzip]

I think humans aren’t necessarily designed to be monogamous; we weren’t put on this earth and programmed to only fancy and love one person so naturally there is always gonna be temptation because you’re going to find a lot of other people sexually attractive and form connections.

It comes down to morals and values - I think some can resist and some can’t and it often comes down to situation and circumstance and those “in the moment” times. I think I can be more understanding of one offs - I’m not saying I would personally forgive that, but I think it’s more understandable if someone had a weak moment. What I don’t understand is people who have long winded affairs - that’s not a moment of weakness. Just leave the person you’re with if you’re doing that. But I think I can understand that you could be completely in love with someone but you just have an Intense sexual connection with another and that’s when you have to decide what you really want.

 

[Gembo]

In my 20’s I cheated on my ex, something I very much regret. I only slept with one person once (I was very drunk) but I kissed one or two others and went on what I guess were dates with a couple of others. It was a terrible thing for me to do and he deserved so much better. It’s one of my biggest regrets. I did it because I didn’t have much of a sex life with my ex so I felt frustrated, he never really wanted it and wasn’t very affectionate. Which is not an excuse. I should have talked to him or left. I also have incredibly low self esteem and it was always a real boost for me when someone was interested in me. I think that was probably the biggest reason, it used to make me feel good about myself. I try not to judge people now for cheating as I think the reasons can be complex but I would never do it again. The guilt was sickening and it really is a pretty terrible thing to do.

 

[Grabbyduldrum]

Exactly. Like how plausible would it have been to receive a message from a stranger saying 'your boyfriend is cheating on you'? Would they then confront him and he'd say something like 'oh we used to date and she still likes me and is trying to sabotage things'. If I sent screenshots would he lie and say they were photoshopped? I didn't know her so why would she believe a stranger over her boyfriend?

This happened to me when my fiancé of 11 year was cheating on me. The woman he was sleeping with ( now his wife) messaged me on Christmas Day 2018 to tell me she was pregnant with his child, when I screenshot the message and sent it to him, instead of saying ignore it, never heard of her he said come round I can explain.

it was all true he had been living a double life for 2 and a half years behind my back. Their daughter will be 2 next June.
He had been lying to her saying we had broken up when we were very much still together and I was a psycho who wouldn’t take no for an answer. She gained access to all his social media and email accounts and started sending me screenshots of things I’d posted as a couple, warning me off. He’s also changed my name to a male contact on his email as that was our main form of communication when he worked abroad in his business.
I had a full breakdown as a result of all the lies that slowly came out over the last 18 months.

 

[Pinkblush]

I always find it strange that its always the 'other woman' who gets the blame for 'stealing' a man and its usually women who blame women but never the straying man. As if somehow he had no say in it. Who could forget the trolling angelina got for 'stealing' brad off jen while no stuck to him. No one is going to get involved with someone who says they are happily married and blissfully devoted to their other half. More like brad spun angelina a line about not being happy and that their marriage was on the rocks or they're about to break up etc. I can see how someone can be taken in like that even tho its still wrong to hook up.

 

[SamBamford]

I'd come out of a bad marriage and friends made me go on a night out I really didn't want. I walked in a club and locked eyes with a man, he walked over to me and I was with him from then on. He lived quite a way from me so we only met up a couple of times a week but he made me happy. We were together for 6 weeks. It was the first night he was staying over all night, we ended up at a party, my cousin was there. She said that she didn't think I was the type to go out with married men. I was devastated. Turned out he could stay the night as his wife was in hospital having their fourth child. I left him there.

 

[Johara]

I've been the other woman and I think the relationship between him and his partner has usually broken down anyway. Something isn't working and the love has obviously gone.

While I'm so against betrayal I believe you are right.

I have an unusual take on cheating.
I believe strongly that the cheated on partner has fallen out of love with the cheater before the cheater cheats.

I believe that the most insecure people cheat and they are so paranoid about abandonment that THEY notice when their partner is no longer IN LOVE with them.

Being loved by their partner is not good enough for them.

They need evidence of IN LOVE as plain old LOVE doesn't cut it for them. They crave passion/romance.

I've shared my theory with several cheated on women. One said it made huge sense to her. Others don't grasp the in love bit. They say "But I loved him" not realising my point was "were you still in love with him?".

There's a big difference.

I believe too that it is possible to remain in love with someone. That it doesn't expire for all couples.

There's a graph about passion, commitment, love & friendship that psychologists use to measure the passionate ratio of a relationship.

If it reduces too much trouble looms.

I

Many years ago without my knowledge I was a 'side piece' for around two months until I found out he was shacked up with someone else. When confronted he explained that they had an unplanned child together and he hadn't wanted to settle down with her but felt he had to. He said he cared for her but wasn't in love with her. He managed to get those few sentences out before I got out of the car and walked away.

Ironically for a deceitful person I think he was telling the truth. He was literally no longer in love and neither was she.

The in love part had died so he went trawling for a replacement.

No excuses for his deceitfulness.

 

[Lizzie Mintdrop]

Where my partner works there is an awful lot of cheating, the men he works with are regularly cheating on their wives and girlfriends with girls they meet in clubs, prostitutes and colleagues. It's quite a masculine environment and there is considerable drug taking and I often wonder if that might be why it's so rife, there's a lot of oneupmanship so it can be quite toxic. However, where I work I have only heard of a couple of affairs in 9 years and both times it was seen as quite scandalous. I cheated on an ex boyfriend many years ago, however he had moved, albeit temporarily, 3000 miles away by this point, and I felt deserted and unloved, he dumped me a couple of months later, he never found out, the distance was just too much. I would never cheat on my partner now, we have been together 13 years and to put it bluntly the thought of sex with another man would give me severe anxiety but also, he's my soulmate.

 

[Whaaaaat]

I saw a tv show about it, I can’t remember what it was, but it proved that when men cheat on their wives it’s usually because they’re insecure in their relationships. It usually stems from their wife being more successful/ better looking/ giving the kids more attention.

Basically they don’t feel good enough for their partner so look elsewhere for validation. And look for someone “inferior” to their partner to boost their own ego. I didn’t take it seriously at first. But I’ve got to say everyone I know who’s husband has had an affair, the women has never been a patch on their wife and you think what the fuck

 

[Norfolking Good]

I’ve not any experience myself but read an interesting article years ago that men tend to leave a relationship if they have already set up a new partner to go to but women tend to leave alone. A massive generalisation I know but it does seem to have a grain of truth in there. I can’t think where I read it but it explained it much better than I am.

 

[Miss98]

I was talking to a guy before when I was more naive and younger who would chat for a few days and then out of nowhere block me for ages and then come back with excuses and me being the fool carried on talking to him for him then to block me and repeat. I began to get suspicious, especially when he sent a selfie on a bed with flowery sort of covers and so did lots of digging to find his surname and search his facebook. I found out he was with someone, and even more shocking is around the time he was being inappropriate and chatting with me he proposed to his fiance. In my experience if you tell the woman, even if you send evidence, she doesn't wanna know.

Another guy I was talking to as purely friends but he wanted more with me, I knew he was married from the off but he painted the picture that he was unhappy in his marriage and she was unhappy and cheating on him, that they were only staying together for the sake of their children blah blah. He even sent me pictures of her wedding and engagement rings left on the bedside table saying along the lines of "look, she doesn't even want to wear her ring" when I later found out that actually his wife was in a job where it was handy (and safer) to take your ring off and leave it somewhere safe. He was very convincing about how unhappy they were and that she was unhappy and a player, but I found out they got married the year before so weren't so unhappy and still are very much together and have had another child.

Men who cheat usually are far from planning to leave their partner for you, whereas (and not trying to be sexist) us women tend to be gullible when men are being all romantic and sweet with us and believe he genuinely will leave them and don't love them, which then means they can have their cake and eat it.

As for people cheating knowlingly, I just think it's a terrible thing to do to someone and very selfish. It breaks people and makes them really insecure about themselves and in any future relationships, it's an awful thing to do to someone. Imagine how you'd feel if you were madly in love with someone and thought you were happy and had it all and really they'd been seeing another person behind your back and two timing you. Friends of mine that have been cheated on are really affected by it and paranoid and insecure in all relationships since, it really is a hurtful thing to do to someone and my heart goes out to those on here who've been cheated on. I know sometimes people cheat as they aren't getting sex or feel unloved or not getting any attention, but that partner then should speak with their partner or even leave in my view, I was always brought up to leave if you're unhappy. Don't hurt someone for your own greed and good.

 

[ProphecyGirl]

I have been cheated on. I would want to hurt anyone who cheated on my friends or family.

But I have also been the other woman too, started unknowing but then it became a mess and was a tangled web of lies, split up then got back together which I didn't know and it was always denied but sometimes feelings get involved and you do the unthinkable.

I always believed myself to have had good morals but I don't know, life isn't as simple as we all think. It's not all beautiful homes with a white picket fence

 

[Gossipingginger]

I was the other women unknowingly for 3 and a half years. I accidentally found out about his actual girlfriend via social media stalk as things were not adding up. Needless to say I let her know after I had enough of his shit. Turns out he was leading a double life. I dont regret telling her as she told me truth of what was going on. Turns out he had a child with her, saving for a house etc, all while playing a victim to me. Needless to say I earnt a really hard lesson.

 

[MrsSoprano]

So I have a lot of people in my life who do cheat and have cheated and I’m talking married/have kids/live together and even cheating with people who both them and partner are friends with and will still hang out,

I’ve never cheated so I can’t really understand emotions involved, so for anyone who has cheated but happily staying with partner, what were your reasons? Did you regret it? Did you not? No judgement at all I just can’t get over the amount of people I know who do it and I want to know more

 

[Johara]

If we all payed more attention to each other and not take our partners for granted it could be avoided

I'm not sure about that.

In some relationships people disconnect after the other person's behaviour gets too hurtful.

Yet they continue, imagining that they can go on like that, no longer feeling connected but holding on to the commitment for whatever reason.

Some people are full of issues and eventually their partner is forced to disconnect. Then cheating starts.

What really needs to occur is for the disconnecting partner to say hey this is no good. It's so bad I have to exit.

But they don't often do that. Then it gets worse.

 

[Skyeball]

I've had experience of a lot of this in my social circle.
My honest advice is DON'T do it. The pain, guilt and doubts last a lifetime on all sides.
Of all things that are worth putting energy into, cheating is not one of them.
If you (generic) haven't got the strength to end your current relationship then you need to try and fix it, or walk away and work on yourself on your own.

 

[Grabbyduldrum]

Well he sounds like a terrible human being, trying to spin it all around on you and make out like you was a psycho.

I can't believe the woman knew he had cheated and how he had manipulated people around him, yet still chose to marry him!

I am so sorry to hear you had a breakdown because of his behaviour, I hope you are doing much better now.

I am doing a lot better now thanks. I’m realising he had narcissistic traits and some emotional and mental abuse going on . I’m totally better off out of it all and although I have major trust issues at the moment to allow me to entertain the idea of another relationship right now in time I may change my mind and I’m happy being single and being me for a while

 

[HelloStereo]

No, but I've unknowingly become the "other woman" before. The guy was always quite cagey and never added me to social media or anything, and would only really contact me through private Skype messages and Snapchat. Sometimes he would disappear for a few days and then come back just saying he was busy.

I probably went full on stalker but I was suspicious so created a fake Instagram user account and there were pictures of him with a girl. He had her mum added as a follower on there which I think confirms it. There were a few other details too, he was tagged in pictures with her and she called him "bae" and on the snap map he sometimes was where she lived. He then had a picture with a caption that said he had a good taste in women.

I asked him about it and he denied it and said she was just a friend, but people were saying they looked like a couple hence the caption. Then he accused me of strange behaviour. To be honest I didn't buy it at all, too many things matched up. I wouldn't usually check up on someone but I just had a bad feeling about it all along.

I disappeared out of his life one day and I've not heard from him since. I always wonder if I should have told the girl he was with, but I know he would have just lied and twisted the truth.

 

[Morequeries]

If we all payed more attention to each other and not take our partners for granted it could be avoided

 

[Pinkblush]

Many years ago without my knowledge I was a 'side piece' for around two months until I found out he was shacked up with someone else. When confronted he explained that they had an unplanned child together and he hadn't wanted to settle down with her but felt he had to. He said he cared for her but wasn't in love with her. He managed to get those few sentences out before I got out of the car and walked away.