Cheating

[lemonlime]

This happened to me when my fiancé of 11 year was cheating on me. The woman he was sleeping with ( now his wife) messaged me on Christmas Day 2018 to tell me she was pregnant with his child, when I screenshot the message and sent it to him, instead of saying ignore it, never heard of her he said come round I can explain.

it was all true he had been living a double life for 2 and a half years behind my back. Their daughter will be 2 next June.
He had been lying to her saying we had broken up when we were very much still together and I was a psycho who wouldn’t take no for an answer. She gained access to all his social media and email accounts and started sending me screenshots of things I’d posted as a couple, warning me off. He’s also changed my name to a male contact on his email as that was our main form of communication when he worked abroad in his business.
I had a full breakdown as a result of all the lies that slowly came out over the last 18 months.

That's revolting, I'm so sorry you had to deal with this. Seems like they deserve each other in the worst way possible.

 

[Bleurghgram]

There’s no way is there... you’d get labelled as a mad woman. I actually told him we’re one bottle of wine away from me blowing your life up by messaging her, so you need to leave me alone. I got a typical ‘you’re right, this needs to stop for all our sakes’ reply back. He would have had his cake for as long as he could have gotten away with it. I can’t think about it for too long now or I end up punching him.

 

[sapphiccharm]

Cheated once and only once. He was abusive physically and emotionally and I also realised I wasn't straight by that point (not out to anyone, not even really to myself) and I guess I had "fomo" and didn't want to spend the rest of the shitty relationship, however long it lasted, never having experienced sex with a woman - I was engaged to this dude and thought I was doomed to spend eternity with this asshole. I couldn't get past that want/need/desire, couldn't get it out of my head, would fantasise and dream about it... to the point where it was actually affecting me mentally/emotionally and I guess sexually as well. Met someone on Instagram, and long story short it was meant to be no strings attached but my dumbass got attached... Eventually got my heart broken and karma got me back. Wasn't a long winded affair, as soon as I realised I was in love with this new person, I ended the relationship with the guy and came clean about cheating. Gave me an excuse to get away in the end...

 

[Itsallaboutmememe]

I was the other women unknowingly for 3 and a half years. I accidentally found out about his actual girlfriend via social media stalk as things were not adding up. Needless to say I let her know after I had enough of his shit. Turns out he was leading a double life. I dont regret telling her as she told me truth of what was going on. Turns out he had a child with her, saving for a house etc, all while playing a victim to me. Needless to say I earnt a really hard lesson.

Same-he was shagging me-but dating her
i swear to god I didn’t know she existed
i found out,dumped his arse and told her everything
he convinced her I was some crazy stalker ex and she believed him-they stayed together for another 2 years
jokes on him-I met an amazing fella 3 months later while she ended it with him and he’s now lovebombing his way round women but nothing is sticking
i saw him a few months ago and he looked so fed up which did make me smile

 

[Whaaaaat]

I have an ex friend who was unhappy in her marriage and she always said that even if she had a dream about her partner cheating she wouldn’t speak to then. Anyway she gets a new job and meets a married man with a 10 month old baby and then has an affair and splits up his marriage. Absolutely shocking the lengths some people go to just to try and find happiness. I often think about that child and how his Dad just abandoned him for this bitch of an ex friend.

I always agree it’s equal blame (if the person knows that the other is in a relationship, I imagine a lot lie and say they’re single). I don’t agree with the “I don’t owe them anything, I don’t know them” attitude. You owe another human being the common decency of not shagging their partner imo.

And even if they did leave their husband/wife for you - which let’s be honest, most don’t by choice they’re kicked out, how would you ever trust them?

 

[HelloStereo]

This happened to me when my fiancé of 11 year was cheating on me. The woman he was sleeping with ( now his wife) messaged me on Christmas Day 2018 to tell me she was pregnant with his child, when I screenshot the message and sent it to him, instead of saying ignore it, never heard of her he said come round I can explain.

it was all true he had been living a double life for 2 and a half years behind my back. Their daughter will be 2 next June.
He had been lying to her saying we had broken up when we were very much still together and I was a psycho who wouldn’t take no for an answer. She gained access to all his social media and email accounts and started sending me screenshots of things I’d posted as a couple, warning me off. He’s also changed my name to a male contact on his email as that was our main form of communication when he worked abroad in his business.
I had a full breakdown as a result of all the lies that slowly came out over the last 18 months.

Well he sounds like a terrible human being, trying to spin it all around on you and make out like you was a psycho.

I can't believe the woman knew he had cheated and how he had manipulated people around him, yet still chose to marry him!

I am so sorry to hear you had a breakdown because of his behaviour, I hope you are doing much better now.

 

[Johara]

I always find it strange that its always the 'other woman' who gets the blame for 'stealing' a man and its usually women who blame women but never the straying man. As if somehow he had no say in it. Who could forget the trolling angelina got for 'stealing' brad off jen while no stuck to him. No one is going to get involved with someone who says they are happily married and blissfully devoted to their other half. More like brad spun angelina a line about not being happy and that their marriage was on the rocks or they're about to break up etc. I can see how someone can be taken in like that even tho its still wrong to hook up.

I think if people understood the reality there would be no blame.

As an analogy, if 2 people adore spending time together because they set off sparks in each other then we can say their love bond is based majorly on setting off sparks.

Now if the sparks stop being activated what's left?

Ideally a couple continue to spark each off romantically all their lives. It happens for some.

When that spark is gone for good it's gone.

People don't want to self examine. They'd rather look outside and cheat or blame.

Most cheated on people are no longer IN LOVE with their partner when that partner cheats.

But they don't realise it!

 

[HelloStereo]

Many years ago without my knowledge I was a 'side piece' for around two months until I found out he was shacked up with someone else. When confronted he explained that they had an unplanned child together and he hadn't wanted to settle down with her but felt he had to. He said he cared for her but wasn't in love with her. He managed to get those few sentences out before I got out of the car and walked away.

Well done for having the strength to walk away. For ages I used to doubt myself and when he lied I'd make excuses for him!

 

[Plasticbox]

I have an ex friend who was unhappy in her marriage and she always said that even if she had a dream about her partner cheating she wouldn’t speak to then. Anyway she gets a new job and meets a married man with a 10 month old baby and then has an affair and splits up his marriage. Absolutely shocking the lengths some people go to just to try and find happiness. I often think about that child and how his Dad just abandoned him for this bitch of an ex friend.

 

[Bleurghgram]

I think it’s more discussed now, rather than being more rife. Not so long ago it would have been common for a man to have a mistress and for a wife to turn a blind eye. Times have changed now we can freely divorce. Having said that there are more ways than ever to cheat with social media and our whole lives being on phones... please don’t let it hold you back

 

[Ohchristmastree]

Hmm not “physically” cheating but felt I was getting close to someone else and wanted to take it further so broke up with my fiancé at the time. I didn’t end up with either guy in the end and even though nothing physically happened until we had separated I still feel bad now over how I ended it with my fiancé, I was so heartless.

 

[Itsallaboutmememe]

What amazes me is they have the balls to cheat but when it comes down to it they twist it and make out we are crazy when they get found out.

I'm pleased you met someone else. I'm still waiting but I'm happy being single for the time being. He left me in quite a bad way when it all came out. It made me realise that I needed to work on myself before I give love another try. I'm a hopeless romantic at heart haha.

Same-but don’t give up
i went a bit mental and to get over him I went on loads of dates
i was talking to one bloke and we arranged to meet up
i said to my daughter ‘I’m done,this is the last one-I’m happy single (I was) and I can’t do it anymore-I’m having a break,I’ll dip my toe into online dating next year or so’
an hour later,I met him
weve been together (just over) 5 years now and so glad I didn’t cancel him like I was going to

dont give up-but don’t devalue your worth-you’ll meet the right one for you
just enjoy being single
good luck xxx

 

[Chablis1]

I’ve not any experience myself but read an interesting article years ago that men tend to leave a relationship if they have already set up a new partner to go to but women tend to leave alone. A massive generalisation I know but it does seem to have a grain of truth in there. I can’t think where I read it but it explained it much better than I am.

I think there is an element of truth in it. A colleague had a g/f to go to when he left his wife. And husbands of two friends ended up doing exactly the same thing.

 

[Gossipingginger]

Same-he was shagging me-but dating her
i swear to god I didn’t know she existed
i found out,dumped his arse and told her everything
he convinced her I was some crazy stalker ex and she believed him-they stayed together for another 2 years
jokes on him-I met an amazing fella 3 months later while she ended it with him and he’s now lovebombing his way round women but nothing is sticking
i saw him a few months ago and he looked so fed up which did make me smile

What amazes me is they have the balls to cheat but when it comes down to it they twist it and make out we are crazy when they get found out.

I'm pleased you met someone else. I'm still waiting but I'm happy being single for the time being. He left me in quite a bad way when it all came out. It made me realise that I needed to work on myself before I give love another try. I'm a hopeless romantic at heart haha.

 

[Bleurghgram]

I always wonder if I should have told the girl he was with, but I know he would have just lied and twisted the truth.

This is something I think about a lot. I was the other woman for about 6 weeks (we are now together but it’s about 5 years and two breakups later), I ended it once I realised how serious he was with someone else. I often wonder whether she’d have believed me or whether he’d have lied his way out of it.

 

[Itsallaboutmememe]

Ive been slowing dipping my toe back in the dating world. With lockdown though dating has been hard. Then again i have felt like I needed this time to heal.

Awww best thing you did then not cancelling on him.

Yes I think not knowing my worth was 100% the problem with my ex. Now my motto is we do not settle. Just wish I'd exercised that thought years ago haha Xx

It took me til age 37 to find my worth
just take each date as a fun time but be ready to walk away if it’s not doing to work
take your time and you’ll find the one
sending hugs xxx

 

[mermaidexoxo]

This thread gives me the absolute fear. I have been single for a few years now and the fear of being cheated on makes me not be able to get past the talking/seeing stage with any guy. It just seems nowadays cheating is so rife and deemed somewhat acceptable. I feel like I’ll never find anyone loyal. Does anyone else feel this way?

 

[Annie101]

Interesting topic. I've always cheated on boyfriends, i was just not that into them. Since i met my husband i have never cheated on him, I love him, I want to be with him. However we had a rough few years with his alcoholism, and it makes me feel very alone and anxious. Lately I have been fantasizing being with a man other than him and its not for sex but i want to feel protected and safe.

 

[Gloria Roscoe]

I've been the other woman and I think the relationship between him and his partner has usually broken down anyway. Something isn't working and the love has obviously gone.

 

[HelloStereo]

This is something I think about a lot. I was the other woman for about 6 weeks (we are now together but it’s about 5 years and two breakups later), I ended it once I realised how serious he was with someone else. I often wonder whether she’d have believed me or whether he’d have lied his way out of it.

Exactly. Like how plausible would it have been to receive a message from a stranger saying 'your boyfriend is cheating on you'? Would they then confront him and he'd say something like 'oh we used to date and she still likes me and is trying to sabotage things'. If I sent screenshots would he lie and say they were photoshopped? I didn't know her so why would she believe a stranger over her boyfriend?