Cheating

[Mulholland Drive]

Even in lesbian relationships cheating goes on a great deal, as I found out on 2 or 3 occasions in the past.

But when I eventually found out the guilty parties always fell back to the usual well-worn tropes "I was bored", "It was a one off", "We'd been drinking at a party" and "Don't worry, lets' move on"

And then when challenged further they would be a little more contrite by saying "Listen, you and I, we're not married, we're not engaged. There's no contract binding us together...." blah blah blah. In other words they were trying to justify an open relationship between us, even though nothing of the sort was ever mentioned up until the point they got found out.

It's a trust issue most definitely. But trust comes in different forms to different people, believing that trust can take a day off while they screw around for some fun.

Just like New Year's resolution - yeah, I'll try giving trust a go, but there will be a lot of caveats along the way, until finally there's no trust at all.

 

[Whaaaaat]

I saw a tv show about it, I can’t remember what it was, but it proved that when men cheat on their wives it’s usually because they’re insecure in their relationships. It usually stems from their wife being more successful/ better looking/ giving the kids more attention.

Basically they don’t feel good enough for their partner so look elsewhere for validation. And look for someone “inferior” to their partner to boost their own ego. I didn’t take it seriously at first. But I’ve got to say everyone I know who’s husband has had an affair, the women has never been a patch on their wife and you think what the duck

 

[Plasticbox]

I have an ex friend who was unhappy in her marriage and she always said that even if she had a dream about her partner cheating she wouldn’t speak to then. Anyway she gets a new job and meets a married man with a 10 month old baby and then has an affair and splits up his marriage. Absolutely shocking the lengths some people go to just to try and find happiness. I often think about that child and how his Dad just abandoned him for this witch of an ex friend.

 

[Grabbyduldrum]

Exactly. Like how plausible would it have been to receive a message from a stranger saying 'your boyfriend is cheating on you'? Would they then confront him and he'd say something like 'oh we used to date and she still likes me and is trying to sabotage things'. If I sent screenshots would he lie and say they were photoshopped? I didn't know her so why would she believe a stranger over her boyfriend?

This happened to me when my fiancé of 11 year was cheating on me. The woman he was sleeping with ( now his wife) messaged me on Christmas Day 2018 to tell me she was pregnant with his child, when I screenshot the message and sent it to him, instead of saying ignore it, never heard of her he said come round I can explain.

it was all true he had been living a double life for 2 and a half years behind my back. Their daughter will be 2 next June.
He had been lying to her saying we had broken up when we were very much still together and I was a psycho who wouldn’t take no for an answer. She gained access to all his social media and email accounts and started sending me screenshots of things I’d posted as a couple, warning me off. He’s also changed my name to a male contact on his email as that was our main form of communication when he worked abroad in his business.
I had a full breakdown as a result of all the lies that slowly came out over the last 18 months.

 

[Whaaaaat]

I have an ex friend who was unhappy in her marriage and she always said that even if she had a dream about her partner cheating she wouldn’t speak to then. Anyway she gets a new job and meets a married man with a 10 month old baby and then has an affair and splits up his marriage. Absolutely shocking the lengths some people go to just to try and find happiness. I often think about that child and how his Dad just abandoned him for this witch of an ex friend.

I always agree it’s equal blame (if the person knows that the other is in a relationship, I imagine a lot lie and say they’re single). I don’t agree with the “I don’t owe them anything, I don’t know them” attitude. You owe another human being the common decency of not shagging their partner imo.

And even if they did leave their husband/wife for you - which let’s be honest, most don’t by choice they’re kicked out, how would you ever trust them?

 

[Skyeball]

I've had experience of a lot of this in my social circle.
My honest advice is DON'T do it. The pain, guilt and doubts last a lifetime on all sides.
Of all things that are worth putting energy into, cheating is not one of them.
If you (generic) haven't got the strength to end your current relationship then you need to try and fix it, or walk away and work on yourself on your own.

 

[Annie101]

Interesting topic. I've always cheated on boyfriends, i was just not that into them. Since i met my husband i have never cheated on him, I love him, I want to be with him. However we had a rough few years with his alcoholism, and it makes me feel very alone and anxious. Lately I have been fantasizing being with a man other than him and its not for sex but i want to feel protected and safe.

 

[lemonlime]

This happened to me when my fiancé of 11 year was cheating on me. The woman he was sleeping with ( now his wife) messaged me on Christmas Day 2018 to tell me she was pregnant with his child, when I screenshot the message and sent it to him, instead of saying ignore it, never heard of her he said come round I can explain.

it was all true he had been living a double life for 2 and a half years behind my back. Their daughter will be 2 next June.
He had been lying to her saying we had broken up when we were very much still together and I was a psycho who wouldn’t take no for an answer. She gained access to all his social media and email accounts and started sending me screenshots of things I’d posted as a couple, warning me off. He’s also changed my name to a male contact on his email as that was our main form of communication when he worked abroad in his business.
I had a full breakdown as a result of all the lies that slowly came out over the last 18 months.

That's revolting, I'm so sorry you had to deal with this. Seems like they deserve each other in the worst way possible.

 

[SamBamford]

I'd come out of a bad marriage and friends made me go on a night out I really didn't want. I walked in a club and locked eyes with a man, he walked over to me and I was with him from then on. He lived quite a way from me so we only met up a couple of times a week but he made me happy. We were together for 6 weeks. It was the first night he was staying over all night, we ended up at a party, my cousin was there. She said that she didn't think I was the type to go out with married men. I was devastated. Turned out he could stay the night as his wife was in hospital having their fourth child. I left him there.

 

[Norfolking Good]

I’ve not any experience myself but read an interesting article years ago that men tend to leave a relationship if they have already set up a new partner to go to but women tend to leave alone. A massive generalisation I know but it does seem to have a grain of truth in there. I can’t think where I read it but it explained it much better than I am.

 

[HelloStereo]

This happened to me when my fiancé of 11 year was cheating on me. The woman he was sleeping with ( now his wife) messaged me on Christmas Day 2018 to tell me she was pregnant with his child, when I screenshot the message and sent it to him, instead of saying ignore it, never heard of her he said come round I can explain.

it was all true he had been living a double life for 2 and a half years behind my back. Their daughter will be 2 next June.
He had been lying to her saying we had broken up when we were very much still together and I was a psycho who wouldn’t take no for an answer. She gained access to all his social media and email accounts and started sending me screenshots of things I’d posted as a couple, warning me off. He’s also changed my name to a male contact on his email as that was our main form of communication when he worked abroad in his business.
I had a full breakdown as a result of all the lies that slowly came out over the last 18 months.

Well he sounds like a terrible human being, trying to spin it all around on you and make out like you was a psycho.

I can't believe the woman knew he had cheated and how he had manipulated people around him, yet still chose to marry him!

I am so sorry to hear you had a breakdown because of his behaviour, I hope you are doing much better now.

 

[Grabbyduldrum]

Well he sounds like a terrible human being, trying to spin it all around on you and make out like you was a psycho.

I can't believe the woman knew he had cheated and how he had manipulated people around him, yet still chose to marry him!

I am so sorry to hear you had a breakdown because of his behaviour, I hope you are doing much better now.

I am doing a lot better now thanks. I’m realising he had narcissistic traits and some emotional and mental abuse going on . I’m totally better off out of it all and although I have major trust issues at the moment to allow me to entertain the idea of another relationship right now in time I may change my mind and I’m happy being single and being me for a while

 

[Itsallaboutmememe]

I was the other women unknowingly for 3 and a half years. I accidentally found out about his actual girlfriend via social media stalk as things were not adding up. Needless to say I let her know after I had enough of his tit. Turns out he was leading a double life. I dont regret telling her as she told me truth of what was going on. Turns out he had a child with her, saving for a house etc, all while playing a victim to me. Needless to say I earnt a really hard lesson.

Same-he was shagging me-but dating her
i swear to god I didn’t know she existed
i found out,dumped his a and told her everything
he convinced her I was some crazy stalker ex and she believed him-they stayed together for another 2 years
jokes on him-I met an amazing fella 3 months later while she ended it with him and he’s now lovebombing his way round women but nothing is sticking
i saw him a few months ago and he looked so fed up which did make me smile

 

[Chablis1]

I’ve not any experience myself but read an interesting article years ago that men tend to leave a relationship if they have already set up a new partner to go to but women tend to leave alone. A massive generalisation I know but it does seem to have a grain of truth in there. I can’t think where I read it but it explained it much better than I am.

I think there is an element of truth in it. A colleague had a g/f to go to when he left his wife. And husbands of two friends ended up doing exactly the same thing.

 

[HelloStereo]

I am doing a lot better now thanks. I’m realising he had narcissistic traits and some emotional and mental abuse going on . I’m totally better off out of it all and although I have major trust issues at the moment to allow me to entertain the idea of another relationship right now in time I may change my mind and I’m happy being single and being me for a while

I'm pleased to hear you are doing better. You deserve so much better in the end but it's good to know you're taking care of yourself first

 

[Gossipingginger]

Same-he was shagging me-but dating her
i swear to god I didn’t know she existed
i found out,dumped his a and told her everything
he convinced her I was some crazy stalker ex and she believed him-they stayed together for another 2 years
jokes on him-I met an amazing fella 3 months later while she ended it with him and he’s now lovebombing his way round women but nothing is sticking
i saw him a few months ago and he looked so fed up which did make me smile

What amazes me is they have the balls to cheat but when it comes down to it they twist it and make out we are crazy when they get found out.

I'm pleased you met someone else. I'm still waiting but I'm happy being single for the time being. He left me in quite a bad way when it all came out. It made me realise that I needed to work on myself before I give love another try. I'm a hopeless romantic at heart haha.

 

[Itsallaboutmememe]

What amazes me is they have the balls to cheat but when it comes down to it they twist it and make out we are crazy when they get found out.

I'm pleased you met someone else. I'm still waiting but I'm happy being single for the time being. He left me in quite a bad way when it all came out. It made me realise that I needed to work on myself before I give love another try. I'm a hopeless romantic at heart haha.

Same-but don’t give up
i went a bit mental and to get over him I went on loads of dates
i was talking to one bloke and we arranged to meet up
i said to my daughter ‘I’m done,this is the last one-I’m happy single (I was) and I can’t do it anymore-I’m having a break,I’ll dip my toe into online dating next year or so’
an hour later,I met him
weve been together (just over) 5 years now and so glad I didn’t cancel him like I was going to

dont give up-but don’t devalue your worth-you’ll meet the right one for you
just enjoy being single
good luck xxx

 

[Miss98]

I was talking to a guy before when I was more naive and younger who would chat for a few days and then out of nowhere block me for ages and then come back with excuses and me being the fool carried on talking to him for him then to block me and repeat. I began to get suspicious, especially when he sent a selfie on a bed with flowery sort of covers and so did lots of digging to find his surname and search his facebook. I found out he was with someone, and even more shocking is around the time he was being inappropriate and chatting with me he proposed to his fiance. In my experience if you tell the woman, even if you send evidence, she doesn't wanna know.

Another guy I was talking to as purely friends but he wanted more with me, I knew he was married from the off but he painted the picture that he was unhappy in his marriage and she was unhappy and cheating on him, that they were only staying together for the sake of their children blah blah. He even sent me pictures of her wedding and engagement rings left on the bedside table saying along the lines of "look, she doesn't even want to wear her ring" when I later found out that actually his wife was in a job where it was handy (and safer) to take your ring off and leave it somewhere safe. He was very convincing about how unhappy they were and that she was unhappy and a player, but I found out they got married the year before so weren't so unhappy and still are very much together and have had another child.

Men who cheat usually are far from planning to leave their partner for you, whereas (and not trying to be sexist) us women tend to be gullible when men are being all romantic and sweet with us and believe he genuinely will leave them and don't love them, which then means they can have their cake and eat it.

As for people cheating knowlingly, I just think it's a terrible thing to do to someone and very selfish. It breaks people and makes them really insecure about themselves and in any future relationships, it's an awful thing to do to someone. Imagine how you'd feel if you were madly in love with someone and thought you were happy and had it all and really they'd been seeing another person behind your back and two timing you. Friends of mine that have been cheated on are really affected by it and paranoid and insecure in all relationships since, it really is a hurtful thing to do to someone and my heart goes out to those on here who've been cheated on. I know sometimes people cheat as they aren't getting sex or feel unloved or not getting any attention, but that partner then should speak with their partner or even leave in my view, I was always brought up to leave if you're unhappy. Don't hurt someone for your own greed and good.

 

[ProphecyGirl]

I have been cheated on. I would want to hurt anyone who cheated on my friends or family.

But I have also been the other woman too, started unknowing but then it became a mess and was a tangled web of lies, split up then got back together which I didn't know and it was always denied but sometimes feelings get involved and you do the unthinkable.

I always believed myself to have had good morals but I don't know, life isn't as simple as we all think. It's not all beautiful homes with a white picket fence

 

[Gossipingginger]

Same-but don’t give up
i went a bit mental and to get over him I went on loads of dates
i was talking to one bloke and we arranged to meet up
i said to my daughter ‘I’m done,this is the last one-I’m happy single (I was) and I can’t do it anymore-I’m having a break,I’ll dip my toe into online dating next year or so’
an hour later,I met him
weve been together (just over) 5 years now and so glad I didn’t cancel him like I was going to

dont give up-but don’t devalue your worth-you’ll meet the right one for you
just enjoy being single
good luck xxx

Ive been slowing dipping my toe back in the dating world. With lockdown though dating has been hard. Then again i have felt like I needed this time to heal.

Awww best thing you did then not cancelling on him.

Yes I think not knowing my worth was 100% the problem with my ex. Now my motto is we do not settle. Just wish I'd exercised that thought years ago haha Xx