Can women really have it all?

[bubbletea123]

I want to add that women can also have it "all" without having children. We are at a point in society where it is becoming more common for women to choose not to have children as they realise there is a choice rather than following the life script. Two partners can be a family without children. We are childfree and have a blissful life. Without children, we still struggle to get some stuff done...I couldn't imagine adding a child into the mix.

 

[Yel]

If I had to answer I'd say no.

With house prices unless you've bought at a good time many families need two working parents. Women often work full time and yet still do more of the household tasks. I read a good article a while ago linking it to an increase in cancer rates in women as it's really hard to have a career (difficult to ever get ahead if you're part time) and a harmonious family life.

I've seen far too many mums pushed back into work before they were ready, to now rush around to pop the children into clubs while they feel the need to work full time. The role of parent at home is really undervalued IMO.

 

[KateESJ]

I want to add that women can also have it "all" without having children. We are at a point in society where it is becoming more common for women to choose not to have children as they realise there is a choice rather than following the life script. Two partners can be a family without children. We are childfree and have a blissful life. Without children, we still struggle to get some stuff done...I couldn't imagine adding a child into the mix.

for sure.
For me, children has always been something I wanted. So if I had a great career, husband & money, that wouldn't be it all for me and I'd feel something was missing.

But for my friend, she has all that. A great job that she's worked her way up to, an awesome husband, a beautiful house... they don't want kids and they are extremely happy and content. It's so right that 'it all' is subjective as we all want different things. I think more people need to be aware that not all women want children... it's sort of expected that we do but it's an extremely outdated view.

 

[AC_23]

No!

I work part time and have a toddler. I don’t fulfil my working role, mother role, wife role or ‘housewife’ role to any of their full potential.

(By housewife I mean... I’m very houseproud, I like everywhere to be clean, tidy, washed, ironed, home made etc, but I’m not forced into it by expectations from my husband it’s my standards that I’m referring to.)

I’m always falling behind somewhere, something always has to give, I’m always chasing my tail. I’ve also just noticed I didn’t even include myself as a ‘role’ ie - hobbies, looking after my physical/mental health, beauty treatments etc. Because let’s be honest, that side of me always comes bottom of the list now!

Despite all that, I have a very happy fulfilled life. I’m grateful for everything I have and I muddle through it all. On paper I do ‘have it all’ (family, career, home, husband etc) but I don’t feel like I have it all as well as I’d like it For me to feel like I had it all, I’d be:

• smashing my career (would need to work full time and be out the house at the crack of dawn!)
• have a spotless house, all the chores done and a home made dinner every night (would need to not work and not have children )
• be a full time mummy and meet all my child’s needs (in which case I’d not be able to work)
• be a size 10 eating healthily at the gym regularly, perfect skin, always shaved legs, fresh highlights every 8 weeks and fresh nails every 3 weeks (Defo not possible being a mother!!)

So no, I don’t feel like we can have it ‘all’ because I think the ‘all’ bit refers to smashing the shit out of every aspect of life which is impossible But we can have a little bit of everything it’s just a balancing act and muddling through each day spinning all the plates! I hope that makes sense and doesn’t sound like a big whinge!!

 

[Petulant_vlogger]

Personally I'm not interested in having a "career". I just dont see how it could be fulfilling when I have a family at home that I could be looking after. Id rather be putting joy in my families hearts and food in their bellies rather than putting more money in a bosses pocket. (But each to their own). I dont see how it could be possible even if desired

 

[mummy2under2]

Absolutely not, from my perspective anyway.
Run a business and have 2 young kids and a partner that works away a lot.
Live in a vicious cycle of having to work mad hours to support the lifestyle we've fallen into and pay the childcare.
My kids spend 50 hours a week in nursery and the guilt absolutely kills me.
But I can't run the business and support my family if they're not in there.
Definitely do not have my shit together.

 

[tskiry56]

Going back probably 4 years ago ... on the outside people probably thought I had it all a child a boyfriend a house and both working full time. But the truth was my job was going to be relocated and I was hiding abuse. Fast forward 4 years I'm now in a happy relationship and a job which is okay.
Sometimes you just need to value what you have. I'm more happy in my life now than I was back even though then it looked like I had it all.

 

[Itsallaboutmememe]

No
i used to be a single mum of 6
i worked part time
all that happened is no matter where I was,I should have been elsewhere
now I have a fella and two step kids while still working part time (and overtime)
still as shattered but with different compromises to make

women can’t have it all because we can’t do it all

 

[Yoghurtpots]

I'm not sure. Everyone has different definitions of "having it all". Some would look at my life and would hate my small (but nicely done up) house and old (but drives perfect) car and would rather work more hours to have a better house/car.
I feel lucky though, I work from home answering the phone to mine and my husbands business, I am able to do the school run, school holidays, cook tea every night but still work and contribute to the family income. I also go on amazing holidays every few months. Not bragging just putting my life out there. Its perfect for me but plenty of people in my life keep looking down their noses at my car and house. Being CONTENT is having it all. That is more important than anything. If you have that then you are a very lucky person. I believe living simply is the best.

 

[KateESJ]

depends on what 'it all' is for you, I'd say. I don't feel like I ever will. I thought I did, I thought I had a perfect little life with my husband and son but then my son got sick, I lost him and now I've got two more kids but I'm not with their Dad anymore. It does seem for every positive there's three negatives, lol

All I want is a stable job and home for me and my children at this point. My idea of 'it all' has changed drastically over the last few years. But realistically I don't think we can.

 

[BlahBlahSheep]

And by all i mean a thriving career and a harmonious family life. I notice we are always being told we should have both but in my real life I can’t think of a single person that isn’t struggling. Having both appears to be doable but no one I know personally is actually happy with things

One of my female friends had a great career and was on the Board of Directors when she had her two children. After her youngest, she set up her own company and still provides well for her family, they have a lovely home, nice holidays, the kids are well looked after, spent most days going to the park, doing crafts at home or other activities before they were old enough to start school etc. But, her husband left his job to be a stay-at-home dad whilst she worked full time. Once the youngest was in school, he started working part time. So in their case, yes - the woman ‘has it all’ (as it’s defined in your question) but I’m not sure it would have been possible if they’d both wanted to carry on working full time and build their careers.

I think it is possible for women to have it all. It’s possible for men to have it all. But I’m not sure it’s possible for both parents to have it all (regardless of gender). Maybe if they’re fortunate enough to have help/support (from family or paid for if they can afford it) they could. But then I expect the subjective view of ‘harmonious family life’ might come into play if people think working parents means the kids would be missing out on family life.

 

[petitspois]

It's a very real dilemma for me at the moment. I've been SAHM since 2015, primarily because the costs of childcare for two children are completely prohibitive - we have no free family childcare. I now feel I've fallen behind my friends who have returned to work (they all have free grandparent help so financially they've benefitted) and I worry my life is passing me by while they have a life outside of being "mum". I've struggled to find part time work in my skills, experience and what I need round current nursery/school commitments so I explored the full time option. I was offered a role last week, and I said I'd need flexible working to meet the hours and I'd also like to explore part time if they would be willing, and I'm currently waiting on them getting back to me. I'm just so worried that full time work pushes me too hard in the other direction - look at the posts above of the guilt of kids being in childcare so many hours a week, plus we all know mums still bear the lions share of household duties. In principle I'm happy to do most of it, it's not that my husband doesn't want to contribute, but he's obviously the main wage earner, he has a very good job and salary which gives us a very good standard of living. My salary could never match his so his work is always the priority over mine. I just don't know which way to turn - accept this full time job and potentially struggle with the pressure of it all, or remain unemployed even longer waiting on something part time?

To summarise for the original topic/question, I believe we can have anything but not everything, and I think that goes for men and women. Yes men typically achieve in their careers than women who have become mothers, but at what cost? How many men now feel they miss out on their children's lives as a result? I know my husband tries to balance his work commitments so he can still be at the christmas play etc. But many dads simply have to miss out.

Congratulations on the job offer. I've been in a similar situation. I'd say take the job, do it for a few months until you can prove how valuable you are then you'll have more 'power' to negotiate even better terms that suit you. It's also easier to find a more suitable job if you already have one. You've done that hard bit - I'd try to get stuck in for a few months and then re-assess.

 

[Web30]

I feel like I do. I'm married, with a child, work part time. To me that's enough to be happy.
I think it's down to what you think "having it all" means.

 

[Satisfying Click]

Historically, men have been able to have a career with children because the woman was doing everything in the domestic sphere with childcare. The closest women can get to that is to have a partner who will take on everything domestically (I've yet to see a man among any of my friends volunteer for that role) and that's not taking into account the physical and emotional toll that pregnancy, childbirth and recovering from both takes.

I've chosen not to have children and feel like I have a decent work life balance. Adding children to that would have stretched me to my absolute limit. Ultimately, I have a roof over my head, my health and loving friends and family. That's not to say the perks of a good income don't exist, but I'm happy to have a reasonably ordinary life.

 

[Oohthedrama]

It depends.

You can have it all and be struck down by a HGV. or be diagnosed with an illness.

you can have a perfect marriage, kids and job and have your partner drop dead, Or your kid.

It always depends what your happy with,
My point is,
you can keep striving to have more and do more but if the rug is pulled from under you are you going to lose it all because you’ll drop all the balls you’re holding immediately

dream as big as you want but be realistic with your dreams.
You can apply for the best job and have a family but is it worth ticking the boxes yet never fully enjoying either, and losing both as soon as one piece is pulled out of the jenga game.

I don’t want it all because I know I could never manage living in that kind of constant stress, like a hamster on a wheel.

I think you probably could have it all.
But not long term and not without it impacting everything in your life a negative way.

 

[Suzesnooze]

I wouldn’t say I had a career to give up and by the time I took redundancy with my second child I hated my job so it was easier to give it up plus not much point working after paying two lots of Nursery fees.

However, a lot of my friends who had careers did return to work but most ended up going part time as it is a struggle to manage everything I would say. I think it also depends on whether you get free child care eg. Grandparents looking after them. We didn’t have that luxury so we just made other sacrifices to enable me to be a SAHM but we were happy with those changes and my kids were happy.

 

[DaisyDeluxe]

It's a very real dilemma for me at the moment. I've been SAHM since 2015, primarily because the costs of childcare for two children are completely prohibitive - we have no free family childcare. I now feel I've fallen behind my friends who have returned to work (they all have free grandparent help so financially they've benefitted) and I worry my life is passing me by while they have a life outside of being "mum". I've struggled to find part time work in my skills, experience and what I need round current nursery/school commitments so I explored the full time option. I was offered a role last week, and I said I'd need flexible working to meet the hours and I'd also like to explore part time if they would be willing, and I'm currently waiting on them getting back to me. I'm just so worried that full time work pushes me too hard in the other direction - look at the posts above of the guilt of kids being in childcare so many hours a week, plus we all know mums still bear the lions share of household duties. In principle I'm happy to do most of it, it's not that my husband doesn't want to contribute, but he's obviously the main wage earner, he has a very good job and salary which gives us a very good standard of living. My salary could never match his so his work is always the priority over mine. I just don't know which way to turn - accept this full time job and potentially struggle with the pressure of it all, or remain unemployed even longer waiting on something part time?

To summarise for the original topic/question, I believe we can have anything but not everything, and I think that goes for men and women. Yes men typically achieve in their careers than women who have become mothers, but at what cost? How many men now feel they miss out on their children's lives as a result? I know my husband tries to balance his work commitments so he can still be at the christmas play etc. But many dads simply have to miss out.

 

[Orange Creme]

Something always has to be sacrificed in my experience, but like others have said it depends on what 'all' is. To me having it all is being mostly happy and content in life.

 

[purpleghost]

And by all i mean a thriving career and a harmonious family life. I notice we are always being told we should have both but in my real life I can’t think of a single person that isn’t struggling. Having both appears to be doable but no one I know personally is actually happy with things

 

[petitspois]

I think the concept of ‘having it all’ is flawed as we should try to be content (note I didn’t say happy) with our lot as long as we have the basics. However, as, in this context, we are talking about being able to work and have a family and hobbies then I think it’s very difficult. In my experience, if you have two people who want/need a career plus children you need a male who pulls his weight at home. So so many really don’t and the woman has to work and do everything at home too. That was the case with me and so many people I have come across.

Sometimes you see couples seem OK but they have a Mother or MIL in the background, picking up the slack.