Body Image Issues & ED Support Thread

[embee1106]

What you’re going through is so tough, and it sounds like you’re really stuck in a restriction cycle (been there many times!).

Calorie calculating can be a misleading in itself- the apps and counting methods we use are only an estimate, and the amount of calories we burn through per day just existing (eg. Breathing, digesting, heart beating, cell production) is well over the amount you’re consuming. It can be really confusing trying to figure out how much to eat without taking into account the energy needs of the body outside of what we’re burning through exercise.

So I’d say that the days you’re having where you’re trying to eat very little are one of the biggest contributors to how hungry and out of control you feel after, because your body is going into survival mode in an attempt to regain some of the energy it requires just to function.

Berating yourself and calling yourself an idiot (which I am so guilty of doing at times too) is unhelpful here and it’s only going to exacerbate how difficult this situation is for you. I’d really highly recommend checking out some social media accounts that can give you an insight into what your body needs and how you can break out of this cycle. Ben Carpenter is a really good person to start with to give you some education on this! Sending big hugs, you’re not alone x

Just letting off steam, no need to reply.

Spoiler: Big old rant

I just need to let off some steam and needed to write down my thoughts.
I’ve been injured for almost three months so can’t run or exercise like normal and this is sending me off it. I have been in this situation before but ran through it(which ended in a very expensive course of treatment). The lack of control and constant pain is turning me into a horrid person. I am spending all my free time calculating stuff on MFP, working out how little I can eat. I go a few days eating 500/600 calories and then am so hungry, eat a huge pot of fat free yoghurt or healthy ice cream (because that’s ok isn’t it). I’m such a bleeping mess. I’m 42. I have no idea how to be an adult about this, my wife is struggling at work and I’m being the biggest self- indulgent idiot with all this shite. It needs to stop. I need to stop. I can’t. I can’t focus on anything but food. All I think about at work is is how calories the members are eating or how many I am burning. This is horrendous.

Apologies.

 

[WhatABore]

Been struggling quite a bit recently.

Popping behind a spoiler. Please don't read if you're sensitive to reading about EDs/talk of restricting ect


Been feeling awful with how I look. My partner has been doing the school run for the past 2 weeks because I every time I get ready to go, I just can't leave the house. I said to my partner that I can't bring myself to take the kids to school and them be associated with someone as disgusting as me

Been dealing with some stuff online too with a group of Women bullies. sending me messages on Instagram, comments made on here etc etc.
It's ridiculous but it's also making feel like I can't be outside and I can't even be online.

Because of that, I've just gone for the one thing I can control. Food.
Hardly eaten for the past 2 weeks. Probably barely been hitting 600 calories and that was on the good days.
I weighed myself on Friday and I had lost just over a stone in the 2 weeks (I have a lot to lose in general). And then of course, that made me feel good. So I continued restricting. Saturday I went out to a street fayre in a completely different town and I passed out. Luckily, my Mum was with us as I had the kids with me. That lead to me of course feeling awful for scaring them.
So I did the opposite and binged.
Then felt awful about that so forced it back up

I hate that I've got back to this point. I haven't done it for so long. But I also can't get myself out of it!

 

[zetta buttons]

In a moment of clarity, when you look at our posts and see what behaviours we are carrying out and what thoughts lead to those behaviours it is heartbreaking. However, because these issues surround something that has to be taken in every day, is inconsequential and enjoyable to the majority of people and cannot be avoided, you can see why we aren’t understood.

Spoiler: Medical stuff

I am seeing a dr about my injury and when I told my mum about the fact had a report from another trust (which details stress fractures, low weight, loss of periods and a request for follow up which never happened ), she just was silent and then finally said “well, you shouldn’t have been running then should you?” I had no words.

I am so sorry the past two weeks have been crap. I am in no position to offer advice, just a handhold. . It’s rubbish, it really is. I can’t say more than that.

 

[Carapop]

I’m waiting for an assessment with a psychiatric hospital after my GP referred me to their eating disorder program. I tried explaining to a family member what was happening and was told to just “look in the mirror and give yourself a good talking to” along with “just eat more”.

The hospital want me to provide details of someone close to me that they can include in my care. I honestly don’t have anyone. The irony is that my obsession with controlling my intake has taken over my life to such an extent that I haven’t been able to establish or retain any kind of relationship. It’s all consuming. it’s quite clever like that really isn’t it. Makes you entirely dependent on it like a gaslighting abusive partner.

clearly I have no advice! But love to all my fellow sufferers

 

[zetta buttons]

It’s so helpful (I don’t know if helpful is the right word) to have people that understand here. Yesterday was awful at work for my wife. She was in tears by 8am. She wanted to go out for a meal (which I agreed to) but by the time she got home I had negotiated a meal cooked by me and a tub of ice cream. Total controlling behaviour. We book to go out and then cancel. Her life has been ruined by this too.

I know the awareness is improving but I just don’t think people have any understanding of how all-consuming it is. They think it is self-indulgent and at times I accuse myself of this. It’s a cycle of hatred.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

In a moment of clarity, when you look at our posts and see what behaviours we are carrying out and what thoughts lead to those behaviours it is heartbreaking. However, because these issues surround something that has to be taken in every day, is inconsequential and enjoyable to the majority of people and cannot be avoided, you can see why we aren’t understood.

Spoiler: Medical stuff

I am seeing a dr about my injury and when I told my mum about the fact had a report from another trust (which details stress fractures, low weight, loss of periods and a request for follow up which never happened ), she just was silent and then finally said “well, you shouldn’t have been running then should you?” I had no words.

I am so sorry the past two weeks have been crap. I am in no position to offer advice, just a handhold. . It’s rubbish, it really is. I can’t say more than that.

I’m glad you get those moments of clarity. Because I think sometimes you blame yourself too much.
I know we have to be careful to not blame anything negative about ourselves on a mental illness*, and use it as an excuse. But I feel like I “know” you well enough to know that you don’t do that.

As you’ve pointed out, it really takes over. At the times when I’ve been at my worst with EDs I’ve felt like my mind was completely empty apart from the illness; and during a different time I felt like I was possessed (I know that sounds dramatic but I never knew how else to describe it). So when all that’s going on, it’s near impossible to be socially “normal”.

And like you said, some people just don’t understand that. But really its like it’s not your own thoughts and mind, because the illness can take that much of a hold.

*on tattle we see a lot of people who do seem to use mental health as a shield. But I honestly don’t think that applies to anyone on this thread. All I see is people really trying to get through each day, and caring so much about those around them.

 

[zetta buttons]

I’m glad you get those moments of clarity. Because I think sometimes you blame yourself too much.
I know we have to be careful to not blame anything negative about ourselves on a mental illness*, and use it as an excuse. But I feel like I “know” you well enough to know that you don’t do that.

As you’ve pointed out, it really takes over. At the times when I’ve been at my worst with EDs I’ve felt like my mind was completely empty apart from the illness; and during a different time I felt like I was possessed (I know that sounds dramatic but I never knew how else to describe it). So when all that’s going on, it’s near impossible to be socially “normal”.

And like you said, some people just don’t understand that. But really its like it’s not your own thoughts and mind, because the illness can take that much of a hold.

*on tattle we see a lot of people who do seem to use mental health as a shield. But I honestly don’t think that applies to anyone on this thread. All I see is people really trying to get through each day, and caring so much about those around them.

I’ll reply more later but the BIB resonates so much. Thank you for being here and your insight . I hope things are ok. Is the appointment soon?

 

[zetta buttons]

I didn’t reply. What a twit.

Hope everyone is ok.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

I didn’t reply. What a twit.

Hope everyone is ok.

I meant to reply and tell you that you don’t have to reply! So I’ll join you in the twit corner


Seriously though, I hope you’re (and everyone else) is doing ok X

 

[zetta buttons]

I need to go to work but I just need to say hello to everyone and post this. It sums up what’s going on atm.

 

[instanonsense]

I need to go to work but I just need to say hello to everyone and post this. It sums up what’s going on atm.

I feel you! I hope you have a good day at work. I keep trying to post what’s going on with me and to respond to posts but my mental capacity to do so is lacking. Head is full of calories etc. It’s exhausting. I want it to stop. I’m in hell.

Sending everyone a big hug. Remember you’re not alone xx

 

[Agent Cooper]

I’m a bit behind on this thread but I just wanted to send some love to everyone on this thread You are not alone and please never forget that things can get better no matter how impossible it might seem. I was in hell earlier this year, and while I’m not quite in remission now, I am finally able to keep my head above water and maintain a more or less stable public persona. I’ve also made new friends that try to support me in my ED struggles. I never thought I would get to this point but here I am. EDs suck but we’re all so much more than our diagnoses.

 

[Gidget00_]

Hi guys I think I’ve posted here before but if so it was so long ago that I don’t remember.
I had an ED for most of my teenage years and early twenties ( I’m 28 now) and I’ve been fine for years, I haven’t relapsed and I’ve become a foodie tbh, I have such a good and healthy relationship with food now, but something is happening lately and I don’t understand why I’m feeling how I am. I don’t know if I think my face has started to look really fat from the side of what is happening and I’m starting to feel really stressed about it.

I feel like my jawline isn’t defined anymore and I have started to take an excessive amount of pictures of the side of my face because I feel like it looks chunky like my face from the side almost looks deformed even thoughI think it looks fine from the front? I have fully zoned in on it and it’s starting to consume way too much time in my mind. I don’t even think I’m looking for advice or anything because there isn’t much to say about it but I just feel like I need to vent x

 

[TokenBlinkie]

Trigger warning for just about everything, I think.

Fat, Ex-Anorexic here.
I became very ill due to Anorexia, a long time ago. It was a gradual thing, the more my breasts grew, the more I exercised and the less I ate, because my schoolgirl self decided that would make them smaller.

I'm now a middle aged, married woman with children. I'm massively overweight and working in an industry where Fat People are not the norm, but there are a few of us. It still has a long way to go before my industry properly accepts and acknowledges fat people, in my opinion.

I eat much less calories than is safe. I weigh myself every day, because it gives me a sense of control and the only thing that comforts me is knowing that because I'm so Fat, I have lots of time to carry on with this before people might start to notice my body changing.

The ironic thing is, people will probably praise me for the weightloss when they do notice it, yet, a few decades ago I'd have been thought bad of for losing weight.

I must still have an anorexic brain, even though the outside is the complete opposite.

 

[zetta buttons]

Sending out the signal of solidarity to everyone.

Spoiler: TW restricting and behaviours

Does the brain always stay disordered? I don’t know. My parents are coming up to take us out at the weekend and I’m already on a huge restrict cycle to compensate. Ffs. It’s taking the mick.

MFP was deleted at the weekend after a big heart to heart, but it’s gone back on and I threw my lunch away on my work trip on Monday so no one knew I didn’t eat.

Even at my smallest, because I was running so much people assumed I was just “fit” so didn’t say anything. I certainly don’t look ill now and it’s so hard. I was told I mask really well the other week (in other words- you look like you eat fine ).

I know so many disorders are hidden but the stock response is that we are choosing to behave like this around food. No one reacts like that to people with other MH conditions, I certainly don’t choose to calculate tit all day or throw food away or eat the food that I put in a student bin 5 hours earlier to try and stop myself eating.

To those who vented earlier, .

 

[Sideboard Bob]

I hope everyone’s doing ok?

For the last few weeks I’ve been making a point to not body-shame myself, even in my mind. Because I never body-shame anyone else, and I realised I was being a hypocrite.

It takes a lot of effort but it’s really worth trying. I’ve realised that so many of the negative thoughts I have about myself are from the media and society, and that’s by design, women are made to feel crap about ourselves in order to sell us “fixes”.

 

[Carapop]

Oh gosh it is so funny you post that today. I was just scolding my friend for complaining about her tummy when she is so fit and very healthy, it’s just a tummy, and it will help insulate her for winter. And she pointed out the irony of my saying that. I’m starting inpatient treatment for anorexia tomorrow. Why can’t we ever treat ourselves with the same kindness, compassion and god Damn logic!?

 

[Sideboard Bob]

Oh gosh it is so funny you post that today. I was just scolding my friend for complaining about her tummy when she is so fit and very healthy, it’s just a tummy, and it will help insulate her for winter. And she pointed out the irony of my saying that. I’m starting inpatient treatment for anorexia tomorrow. Why can’t we ever treat ourselves with the same kindness, compassion and god Damn logic!?

It’s hard because for a lot of us, this way of thinking is so ingrained and deep-rooted.

I’ve tried so many tines to change the way I think, it’s only this time it’s ”clicked”.
I think it’s because I’ve been feeling a lot of feminist rage recently, so I thought “why do I hold myself up to these insane standards that I don’t even agree with?”

Good on you for calling out your friend, in what sounds like a really kind and reasonable way.

I’m wishing you all the best for tomorrow @Carapop , and onwards. You got this X

 

[Carapop]

It’s hard because for a lot of us, this way of thinking is so ingrained and deep-rooted.

I’ve tried so many tines to change the way I think, it’s only this time it’s ”clicked”.
I think it’s because I’ve been feeling a lot of feminist rage recently, so I thought “why do I hold myself up to these insane standards that I don’t even agree with?”

Good on you for calling out your friend, in what sounds like a really kind and reasonable way.

I’m wishing you all the best for tomorrow @Carapop , and onwards. You got this X

Thank you my darling. I love love love the idea of turning the mirror on it all, so that self care and respect and value can also be a massive duck you to the patriarchy… what could I have done, who could I have been, if this disorder hadn’t consumed my every waking moment for the last two decades. If you’re a reader I really recommend The Beauty Myth… here are a snippets I think worth sharing. I actually am going to put this on my hospital reading list now. You thought you were just sharing a supportive comment, but you’ve been inspiring

“A culture fixated on female thinness is not an obsession about female beauty, but an obsession about female obedience. Dieting is the most potent political sedative in women’s history; a quietly mad population is a tractable one.”

“Whatever is deeply, essentially female--the life in a woman's expression, the feel of her flesh, the shape of her breasts, the transformations after childbirth of her skin--is being reclassified as ugly, and ugliness as disease. These qualities are about an intensification of female power, which explains why they are being recast as a diminution of power. At least a third of a woman's life is marked with aging; about a third of her body is made of fat. Both symbols are being transformed into operable condition--so that women will only feel healthy if we are two thirds of the women we could be. How can an "ideal" be about women if it is defined as how much of a female sexual characteristic does not exist on the woman's body, and how much of a female life does not show on her face?”
― Naomi Wolf, The Beauty Myth

 

[zetta buttons]

Oh gosh it is so funny you post that today. I was just scolding my friend for complaining about her tummy when she is so fit and very healthy, it’s just a tummy, and it will help insulate her for winter. And she pointed out the irony of my saying that. I’m starting inpatient treatment for anorexia tomorrow. Why can’t we ever treat ourselves with the same kindness, compassion and god Damn logic!?

Good luck for tomorrow .

Been thinking of people here. Things aren’t great. Work’s been tit and the really bad habits are back. I can’t even talk on the phone to my mum because my mind is too preoccupied. Wife is 50/50 angry and worried. I’m on my own until 7 or 8 so behaviours run rampant. I have no energy or desire to curb them because they are making the work situation better. I know where this ends. I don’t care atm.