Body Image Issues & ED Support Thread

[Agent Cooper]

This thread is for everyone who has body image issues and/or eating disorders. I want this to be a safe place for all posters so please use trigger warnings for potentially triggering posts and try not to include or at least blur out numbers, sizes etc. This is not a substitute for professional advice but we can use this thread to get things off our chest and share our experiences.

Everyone is welcome here whether diagnosed or not

 

[Good Egg]

I’m an overeater. I binge eat and comfort eat. I’d think nothing of going into a shop, buying lots of food and eating it in one go.
For me it’s about control and comfort. I also suffer with Intrusive thoughts, OCD and I’ve self-harmed in the past.
I’ve kept my overeating a secret for many years. In fact - nobody is aware. I am overweight (16 stone).

It’s like the only thing I have control over is overeating. My own comfort, I feel safe and secure.

I’m not sure how to overcome it to be honest. It’s been a battle for many years.

 

[WhatABore]

Told my partner earlier that I just feel so rubbish in everything. My clothes feel uncomfortable, don't feel like anything sits right and it's really affecting my mood.

His response?
"don't look in the mirror then"

Yeah. Cheers.

 

[WhatABore]

Thought I would just share a little bit of my story.
I have Bulimia and I also Binge Eat and comfort eat.

Spoiler: TW/Sexual Abuse/bulimia

It started when I was 6 and I was being sexually abused at home. It began with sneaking crisps and chocolate from the fridge. Any time it happened, I'd go steal a bunch of crisps or whatever and hide it in my room.
I started gaining weight very quick but nobody could work out why. -(my mum didn't give me the healthiest food on top anyway) and then the twice weekly weigh ins began.
My Mum would then shout at me for gaining weight each time.
This comfort eating got worse and worse and eventually turned to Binge eating around the age of 10. My Mum at the same time as weighing me twice a week, would, almost daily, leave bug bags of chocolate and crisps on my bed for after school and then shout at me for eating them all. And then again, shout at me for ganing weight.
She's put me on countless diets and at the age of 10, at 14 stone, I was signed up to Weight Watchers.
The binge eating continued along with the sexual abuse and then on top of that, not only was Mum shouting at me for not losing weight, I felt I had the extra pressure of the people weighing me at WW. Again, it made it even worse.
At the age of 12, I read in a magazine about Bulimia and wondered if that would help. So every time I binged, I'd make myself sick. And that continued. But by the age of 14, I was 21 stone.
I moved in with my Dad at this point. My dad was always home and the house was a lot smaller so I couldn't sneak food. Not as much anyway. I'd also started having to walk to school, where as before I had to bus. So I started losing weight.
Then as the stones dropped off, the comments and compliments got more. So I started making myself sick even without bingeing. I dropped from 21 stone to 15 stone in the space of a year.
Then I met my then boyfriend and got the freedom again where I could Binge Eat anytime I felt sad. Dealing with ptsd ect from the sexual abuse. Once I moved out at 18, I went from 13 stone up to 17 in 4 months.
Then the comments started about how I was gaining weight.
So the making myself sick started again and bingeing.
I went up to 27 stone. At 26, I joined Slimming world. I lost 9 stone. But again, thriving on the comments, I stopped eating. Which is basically how I lost all the weight. I was having no more than 1000 calories a day.

Fast forward to now, I'm 30, I haven't regained the weight because anytime I step on the scales and I've gained a pound, it sends me into a spiral of making myself sick and not eating.

I have huge guilt around feeling full. I can eat a salad and feel full and the only way to get rid of that guilt is to make myself feel sick.

This has resulted in really bad teeth and quite a few other things from constantly being sick.

Thank you if you read all that. And hopefully isn't too triggering for anyone!

 

[Scotty1976]

What a lovely supportive thread. I've had Anorexia for a few decades now and no one realises how lonely and isolating it is I wish I could give all of you with eating disorders a big cuddle.

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

Last night wasn’t as disastrous as it could have been so I am taking that as a win.

Mostly, I just feel so tired of the constant voice in my head. My wife wants me to delete MFP (which I do periodically just to reinstall the next morning) but what she doesn’t understand is that I know all the numbers anyway and am permanently counting and adding and working out how much to run/walk/swim. On another thread, I got so angry when people were giving the wrong calorie values for foods. I ended up correcting them and looked like, in all honesty, a huge twat. My body image is much better and I am learning not to want to look how I used to but this endless dialogue is exhausting.

I see people on Instagram say they have recovered. But how? Like the poster above, I see those who are in pseudo recovery and that is so dangerous. It leads people up the garden path, allows us to think that we can be well again.

Can we?

 

[Scotty1976]

Hope everyone is okay. It's so difficult for the outside world to truly understand having a ed. Getting asked to go out for meals and feeling crap declining because it's so difficult to explain why you just can't. I would never post my weight as it's not just a relevance to how a eating disorders is not about weight and I wouldn't want to trigger anyone who also has food and body issues. Cuddles to all who need them

 

[Agent Cooper]

I’ll start…I’ve never really shared this with anyone, but here is my story. TW as it mentions EDs, body issues etc.

I have orthorexia and I’m pretty sure some form of anorexia, too. I’ve always been very average and went through my younger years just fine. I never cared about my looks much until two of my close friends, both much smaller than me developed anorexia. Thankfully they’re fine now but being around them a lot made me slowly adopt this mindset and become very critical of my own body. I’ve become obsessed with ‘healthy’ eating and exercise. I tried everything from extreme diets to pills to exercise routines. You can’t tell by looking at me so I guess it was not very ‘successful’, but it did a good job of messing my brain up. There are few foods I can eat without feeling guilty and hating myself. I can’t eat around other people. If I absolutely have to, say at a cafe or a canteen, I will sit facing the wall or take my order to go and eat elsewhere. I think about food more than I should because I always feel like I have to plan my meals in order to make them ‘healthy’. My mood depends on whether I like what I see in the mirror. Most days I don’t. I can’t accept the way my body looks and currently there is not a single body part I like. I’ve thrown away my scale but I still track ‘progress’ by trying to fit in a certain clothing item. I’m lucky I don’t qualify for plastic surgery, otherwise I would have changed so many things. I’ve learned to live with these thoughts but I don’t think I will recover until we all stop glorifying thinness and judging women by their looks.

Funnily enough, I’m very supportive of other people and believe in body positivity. I just wish I could apply it to myself!

Thank you for starting this thread. I have had a good week so far but at the moment am in the middle of a huge battle with my head. This morning felt so positive.

Will recovery ever come?

(sorry, not in the mood to do an introduction)

Hope everyone is ok.

Half a week is a lot! I hope you keep it up, I know you can do it

 

[underwhelmed1985]

I’ve struggled on and off with body image and tonight I went to get some food as munchies hit and my husband kindly told me I’ve had a lot of calories today and to put said food down. I’m feeling very upset and triggered over this

 

[instanonsense]

How is everyone doing today? Hope this week is treating you kind

TW for the text behind the spoiler x

Debbie Downer here. I measured myself today after 2,5 months of hardcore dieting and sports and I’m so upset by my results. I lost less than an inch in my waist and hips! I find it hard to believe and very discouraging.

Has anyone else had the same problem? I can’t lose weight no matter what I eat. I’ve already cut out quick carbs, bread and sweets as well as products high in fat like cream or mayonnaise. I had dinner with my extended family this weekend and actually had a breakdown seeing how everyone was eating their food with ketchup and mayo while I restrict as much as I can and still feel fat. I have a healthy BMI but I just know I can look better and more toned, especially considering I’m quite tall. Any tips? I really don’t like the idea of seeing a doctor for weight loss/ED because these issues seem so personal to me and I am not comfortable sharing them with anyone else.

I relate so much to what you're saying about dieting and exercising but feeling like you're not making progress - it's exactly how I feel atm. Tbh, I really feel a lot of it for me is hormonal, I get really bad bloating and I have cysts on my ovaries (which make it really difficult to shift belly weight). I am doing 100+ sit ups on top of my exercise like 5x a week and I see nothing. I've stopped complaining about it to my bf because honestly I think it makes him sad to see me find myself so repulsive. The only reason I don't cry about it more is bc I literally won't allow myself too! Sending you and everyone else going through this the biggest hug

The problem isn’t with our bodies as such it’s our heads. We can get to x weight, x size etc but it won’t be enough. We need to work on our brains not bodies!!! Easier said than done I know! I’ve put on a lot of weight recently as I’m struggling with a bulimia phase and I’m feeling extremely uncomfortable in my body. The bulimia is masking feelings/life I don’t want to deal with. If I wasn’t in a bulimia phase I’d probably be going through a period of restriction and I know that when I’ve been in that phase previously I’ve never been small enough despite being very unwell. This is very, very messed up but I’m missing the numbness that comes with being underweight.

I’m almost 40 and I’ve had an eating disorder since I was 13. You name the eating disorder and I’ve probably been there and got the T-shirt! I hate myself so much. I hate myself for having an eating disorder but I have an eating disorder because I hate myself. It’s a vicious circle. I have children and I hope to god I’ve not messed them up.

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

I feel so guilty. The last few days have been a write off. I hate myself for letting it go like this.

I know it is because I went back to trying to restrict after covid and running too much and basically doing the stuff I shouldn’t.

At this point, I want to be able to Limit what I eat like I used to and run for hours like I used to just do I could get as small as I was.
I know that isn’t healthy but this has to stop.

 

[Smell_my_cheese]

I’ve struggled on and off with body image and tonight I went to get some food as munchies hit and my husband kindly told me I’ve had a lot of calories today and to put said food down. I’m feeling very upset and triggered over this

I’m really sorry he said that to you. It completely damages any progress you may have made. Men (probably women too) can be so insensitive. Often if we eat out, my boyfriend will say “Your portion is huge!!” And then will often not finish his serving as he’s “stuffed”. Makes me feel like a greedy pig if I then eat all of mine. Ruins any enjoyment of food whatsoever. I do sympathise with you xx

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

What a lovely supportive thread. I've had Anorexia for a few decades now and no one realises how lonely and isolating it is I wish I could give all of you with eating disorders a big cuddle.

Lonely sums it up perfectly. You don’t want to go out in case you have to eat because then you will lose the control you have.

You don’t want to go out at all because you hate the way you look.

You don’t want to be around other people because of the (seemingly) ease they have with themselves and food.

You end up being snappy and cruel to those around you because you are either hungry, filled with self-hatred, guilt, or are preoccupied with behaviours that are to do with your ED.

Basically you want to be alone to do the thing(s) that make you feel in control but that makes you so unbearably sad.

It is so helpful to have this thread. Thank you for listening and thank you to those that have shared their stories. It must have been hard.

 

[TakeYourMama]

Just a message to say to all of you struggling - this can end. I promise, I know because I got out of an ED and I now live normally and eat normally.

Find a therapist you trust and just keep going, even when you feel its not helping - just keep going because its a cumulative thing. Challenge your ED - you deserve to life your life, we just get one - you need to fight hard not to lose it to an insidious ED. I believe in anyone reading this who is suffering, I promise you - you can beat this and live your life again.

 

[Bobbleowl90]

Hey I have never ever spoke to anybody about my weight problems other than my husband and even then it’s very I was overweight as a kid and bullied, but always swept under the carpet. I remember getting hit once by an older boy who bust my nose and I hit the boy back. He reported it and I got into trouble because he said I was calling him names. I wasn’t, but I was so embarrassed to tell the teacher he had called me fat. I had no confidence at all and it really effected me. I got to around 20 and something clicked. I just stopped eating and I shed around 7 stone in about a year. I literally didn’t eat though. I now gym and still barely eat, terrified of how many calories I consume. I’m 9 stone, 5ft4 and I know my weight and BMI are all healthy but I’m so, so paranoid about looking fat or anyone ever calling me fat. Nobody I work with knows I was ever overweight and I’m a small, dainty little thing according to them. It’s a part of me that I absolutely hate. It controls my life. I daren’t eat out and my day is ruined if I eat sometbing “bad”. I’m trying my hardest to change for my child as I don’t want them to ever go through what I went through and we have really good eating habits in our house. It’s just my own demons.

 

[MyLittlePony25]

I’m another one who has struggled with ED’s (AN, BN & Binge eating). I gained a lot of weight after being put on a medication that buggered my thyroid and have been trying to lose the weight I gained in the healthiest way possible. But I’m trying to challenge 20 years of ED behaviours.

It’s hard. I’ve struggled this week. but today I have managed so far even with extreme hunger.

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

Thank you for starting this thread. I have had a good week so far but at the moment am in the middle of a huge battle with my head. This morning felt so positive.

Will recovery ever come?

(sorry, not in the mood to do an introduction)

Hope everyone is ok.

 

[smooth_operator33]

hi all, i can already feel that today is going to be hard. i’ve been working out quite a bit recently and my body, i must say, looking bangin. however these past two days i’ve not worked out because i’m just so. tired. I’ve recently gone full time at work and still at university (i have less than a week left) so i think my body is under a bit of stress and is just saying no.
i am choosing to rest today, truly - no steps no yoga no nothing - the fitness watch is off. going to have breakfast before my usual allowed time because i am literally so hungry. there’s some guilt because i’m going on holiday in just over two weeks but i guess today will just be a baggy jumper and avoid mirrors kinda day

how is everyone else today?

 

[BelleAmie]

Hi all, how has everyone found today? I find days where I’m at home quite challenging because there’s nothing to stop me from just eating my way through the house. I’m back at work tomorrow so I’m hoping some routine will help. I’m taking extra snacks because I find that I don’t plan ahead and bring enough food to work so I end up getting really hungry and then I overeat when I get home. Hope you are all ok

 

[Lazarus]

Hey there! Sorry you are going through this, this thread isn’t very active but I still check it from time to time, I’m here if you need to talk. Please remember it’s not you, it’s your illness, and you are not alone

Thanks so much Agent Coops (oh how I love Dale Cooper!).
,I have binge/purge bulimia, I’ve had it for 26 years, but the past year has been the worst it’s been. I think in part to do with me successfully losing weight during Lockdown, doing SW. I lost almost 3st, got to my target and immediately a switch went off in my head and I just couldn’t do it any more. Ever since then I’ve gained all bar a stone of what I lost, my eating is more disordered than ever and the binge cycles are really distressing. I’m now trying to lose weight healthily whist at the same time overcome this cycle of binge/purge/binge/purge. It’s hard.
I’ve been referred to ED specialist and to the weight management service and in the meantime asked my GP for metformin to act as an appetite suppressant which will hopefully help break the cycle of binge eating. Started taking the tablets on Sunday and whilst not hoping for a miracle, I’m hoping they help. Fingers crossed - I think I’ll have a long wait ahead of me for the psychological support.