Bizarre grandparent behaviour.

[Purrrrrrr]

Sorry people this post was longer and more than a little self-pitying but I am one of those people who see the truth of things only when I have typed them out and go back to read it later.


I can count on one hand and have three fingers left over at how many times my or my then husband's parents looked after my three children. My MIL said she had done "her time" and now it was her time to enjoy her life and looking after her grandchildren regularly wasn't part of it. She loved the children and they loved her but she didn't babysit or childmind. My own mum although would have babysat wasn't the type of person you let look after your children. We were always welcomed with open arms for visits anytime we wanted.

Myself on the other hand didn't want my children to feel like I did, trapped and because of it, my marriage broke down. That wasn't anyone else's fault but my then-husband who would not have an evening out and if we did would only trust his mum who as I said above would not babysit.. He said to me , plenty of time for going out when the kids leave school Can you imagine being under 22 with three children being told that when that newborn reached 16 we would go out when I wanted :/


So I babysat and childminded and now feel like I'm taken the piss out of, its expected even though they say you can say no, they know I don't like to say no very often and so keep asking me for extras on top of my childminding My daughter and her partner have split up but still, live in the same house.
I love their three children and we are very very close but I live in a tiny one-bed bungalow that looks like a bomb hit it every time they leave. I am disabled and have a very hard time keeping the place nice, my daughter is loving and caring but has a blind spot where I am concerned, she will take the day off work to deep clean her already sparkly clean home while I am looking after the kids in my dirty untidy hovel. (Ok it's not as bad as that but it is a mess ) I will take the kids back and see how lovely clean spacious home that she has spent most of the day cleaning and not working like she is supposed to be doing and I do feel resentful.

His parents have a huge home and healthy and there are two of them but I do the majority of the childminded and babysitting as they say it's too much for them. He thinks it's ok to ask me to do more when his parents have said no. no matter how many times my daughter tells him to stop asking me he still does it. They have separate lives so to each of them it's only them is asking me ( did that makes sense?) it seems like they only see what I do for them, not that I'm actually doing it for both separately. IE he will only see that I have the kids when he needs me too and doesn't seem to get I also have them when she needs me too.

I am resentful and needed to get this off my chest (sorry for this) because my home needs help and no one is there to help me just asking me for help
I have looked after the children since they were born (10 years now) I childmind, babysit and sleepovers. Once after mths and mths of asking ( I hate asking as much as I do saying no), he came and did something for me and then asked me to do yet more looking after the kids as its only fair I now do something for him WTAF? That's when I realised this was a huge pisstake and not only did I miss out on my young married life but now I had other people's kids to look after and to be honest it's expected now.

I want to say what about me. where is my help? I have lived here for just over 10 years and it's never been decorated properly and never been fully finished. I have to save up and pay people to help me.
I know its sounds like they are awful people and yet they are not they are unthinking when it comes to me as I have always been a very strong person and they cannot see that now I cannot do the things I used to do.

My Son lives in Scotland and has 4 children and we only see each other a couple of times a year. So I don't have that close bond that I do with my daughter's children. I have been and spent a week there twice when they needed help to look after the children, so my holiday from looking after kids was spent looking after kids. It was lovely though to spend some bonding time with them.


Sorry again for this post I know what I have to do and will do it. It's hard as love having the children, but have to accept that I cannot do it unless I get the help I need in my home. It's time for an equal relationship time to help each other.

 

[DuckDuck]

I'm also interested to hear from people who are grandparents themselves.

I’m a grandmother, a young one , I’m mid 40’s , I ADORE my grandson, he’s 5 in March , I literally would have him living here tomorrow if I could , I pick him up on a Friday when I’m not working and we go down the pub , we both have something to eat , ‘ Glam-ma “ will open a bottle , but will only have 1 , his dad ( my son ) will join us after work he has a couple , then we go home , he stays here every weekend, but that’s only because they’ve split up so my son is back home , can’t afford private rental
I get all his favourite sweets in ,
I love that time we have together, before his dad takes over weekend duties k pub will be frowned upon by some , but some of my best memories are sitting down the pub with my grandad and uncles having a bottle of cola and a packet of crisps on a Saturday . I loved watching everyone . He has a burger with fries , sweet corn and a fruit shoot . The same every week
I pop down the school at picking up time when I have time to and we walk to the bus stop. His face lit up yesterday when I said are we going down the pub Friday !
I plan on taking him Disneyland Paris when things are more settled with travel .

 

[dancingqueen5678]

to be honest I don't think there is a "normal". I think it just depends on the relationship both parties have and how much the grandparents like kids/have their own lives.

I saw my maternal grandmother every week as a kid because she loved having her grandkids around and my mum and her were very close. I saw my paternal grandmother maybe 4 times a year if that. Her and my grandpa where very much into their travel so they were away constantly and there are a lot of kids and grandkids on her side. Also my dad never took me much.

ETA: My paternal grandmother does like kids. I think after leaving the army and raising 6 of her own she just wasn't interested in being THAT involved as she had done her bit so to speak. She's a lovely grandmother and is very loving

 

[Mrs Cucumber]

My mum and my nan are my children's only surviving grandparents, my mum is retired but it my nans carer. She sees the kids every Sunday when I go over, has them over for dinner when she can and to stay every school holidays. She will also have them if they are of school sick and I or my husband can't get it off work.

I never ask for her to have them as I don't believe she should, I don't understand this whole thing of parents expecting their parents/in laws to baby sit/provide child care.

 

[Happy Lady]

As a 65 year old, soon to become a Grandma for the first time, I find some of the comments on here quite sad. I think it's great for families who see each other frequently and happily, as I did with my own grandparents, and the relationship that my own children had with their grand parents couldn't have been better.

For those on here who say their kids don't see as much of their grand parents as you'd wish. Please do remember that we've just gone through the pandemic and relationships simply weren't as they would have been in normal circumstances. Bearing this in mind, visits work both ways. So if you want them to visit you, then don't think twice and simply invite them over - it could be what they're waiting for.

It's not the number of times your children see their grand parents, but the quality of the time they have together, their happiness and the things they do together. The times when memories are made.

I hope this makes sense and helps someone.

 

[watermelon sugar]

I didn’t know my biological Dad growing up so therefore didn’t know my biological grandparents. My Mum fell out with my Granny when she was young (they’ve made up now) and I’ve only seen her about 4 times? So I’ve never grown up with grandparents so I really didn’t know what to expect from my Mum and my partners Mum when I had my son. My boyfriend is really close with his Nan, very protective, which is sweet. She’s getting very old and forgetful now and she fits the stereotypical Nan behaviour where she gets out the biscuit tin when you visit and fills you up with snacks. That’s the closest experience I’ve had to having my own grandparent

my Mum lives in a different town to me and works 5 days a week, usually always babysits either my brother or my sisters children of a weekend so don’t get to see her much. Everytime I do see her it takes my son a while to warm to her cos it’s been so long since he seen her last. But she’s pretty normal where she acts about him, buys him clothes and toys, asks for photos etc

now my MIL..she’s bizarre. Weren’t all that bothered when I was pregnant, didn’t seem at all phased she was getting a grandson. Soon as her was here, FaceTiming non stop, at 10pm at night? Once she rang at 12am and wanted my bf to hover the phone over the baby whilst he was asleep in his Moses basket!! One time she even asked us to wake him at 12am so she can see him. Bare in mind he was only a newborn so he wouldn’t see her back. She’s never bought him anything,apart From at Christmas got him a toy that was for age 4+ (he was 10 months old at Christmas) never offers to come and see him, never offers to babysit. Ive asked her to babysit and she’s either said no, cancelled or been late. We’ve always got to take him to her. Will sit on FT for 45 mins non stop saying ‘Nana nana nana nana nana nana nana’ then moans that we don’t take him to see her enough. Well get off FaceTime then? She gets annoyed if my Mum or any of my family has seen him and demands we take him round to see her. Makes it a competition with my Mum and was like ‘bet he says Grandma before he says Nan’ (my mum goes by Grandma) and once I told her my son was a bit shy round my mum and she said ‘oh you’re not shy round your favourite Nan are you’ meaning her. Arsehole

 

[Rainbow1]

First grandchild and when we announced pregnancy my partners mum was so excited even talking about planning a nursery () since she’s been born 10 months ago I can probably count on one hand amount of times they’ve seen her and haven’t bought her a thing which I find a bit strange as growing up I always had a view that grandparents were there to ‘spoil’ it doesn’t have to be extravagant but just a trinket to say saw this thought baby would love it

I don’t have much of a relationship with partners mum but find the lack of visits very strange, as far as I’m aware she’s never offered to babysit etc and when we do visit we always make the 30 min drive to her house

 

[Purrrrrrr]

I saw a solution a few years ago that may work for you. A set of grandparents did childminding vouchers for their children. You can do any number you want but it saves arguments when you have a couple of sets of grandchildren. So you could for example give them a variety of vouchers such as 2 overnight vouchers, 5 full day vouchers, 10 half day vouchers, some pick up from school vouchers etc whatever works for your situation.

Not self pitying at all. You are feeling taken advantage of and from what you've said you feel like that for a perfectly good reason.

Thank you. I know I need to do something, didn't realise how it was getting to me until I wrote it down.

 

[Notworthy]

Sorry people this post was longer and more than a little self-pitying but I am one of those people who see the truth of things only when I have typed them out and go back to read it later.


I can count on one hand and have three fingers left over at how many times my or my then husband's parents looked after my three children. My MIL said she had done "her time" and now it was her time to enjoy her life and looking after her grandchildren regularly wasn't part of it. She loved the children and they loved her but she didn't babysit or childmind. My own mum although would have babysat wasn't the type of person you let look after your children. We were always welcomed with open arms for visits anytime we wanted.

Myself on the other hand didn't want my children to feel like I did, trapped and because of it, my marriage broke down. That wasn't anyone else's fault but my then-husband who would not have an evening out and if we did would only trust his mum who as I said above would not babysit.. He said to me , plenty of time for going out when the kids leave school Can you imagine being under 22 with three children being told that when that newborn reached 16 we would go out when I wanted :/


So I babysat and childminded and now feel like I'm taken the piss out of, its expected even though they say you can say no, they know I don't like to say no very often and so keep asking me for extras on top of my childminding My daughter and her partner have split up but still, live in the same house.
I love their three children and we are very very close but I live in a tiny one-bed bungalow that looks like a bomb hit it every time they leave. I am disabled and have a very hard time keeping the place nice, my daughter is loving and caring but has a blind spot where I am concerned, she will take the day off work to deep clean her already sparkly clean home while I am looking after the kids in my dirty untidy hovel. (Ok it's not as bad as that but it is a mess ) I will take the kids back and see how lovely clean spacious home that she has spent most of the day cleaning and not working like she is supposed to be doing and I do feel resentful.

His parents have a huge home and healthy and there are two of them but I do the majority of the childminded and babysitting as they say it's too much for them. He thinks it's ok to ask me to do more when his parents have said no. no matter how many times my daughter tells him to stop asking me he still does it. They have separate lives so to each of them it's only them is asking me ( did that makes sense?) it seems like they only see what I do for them, not that I'm actually doing it for both separately. IE he will only see that I have the kids when he needs me too and doesn't seem to get I also have them when she needs me too.

I am resentful and needed to get this off my chest (sorry for this) because my home needs help and no one is there to help me just asking me for help
I have looked after the children since they were born (10 years now) I childmind, babysit and sleepovers. Once after mths and mths of asking ( I hate asking as much as I do saying no), he came and did something for me and then asked me to do yet more looking after the kids as its only fair I now do something for him WTAF? That's when I realised this was a huge pisstake and not only did I miss out on my young married life but now I had other people's kids to look after and to be honest it's expected now.

I want to say what about me. where is my help? I have lived here for just over 10 years and it's never been decorated properly and never been fully finished. I have to save up and pay people to help me.
I know its sounds like they are awful people and yet they are not they are unthinking when it comes to me as I have always been a very strong person and they cannot see that now I cannot do the things I used to do.

My Son lives in Scotland and has 4 children and we only see each other a couple of times a year. So I don't have that close bond that I do with my daughter's children. I have been and spent a week there twice when they needed help to look after the children, so my holiday from looking after kids was spent looking after kids. It was lovely though to spend some bonding time with them.


Sorry again for this post I know what I have to do and will do it. It's hard as love having the children, but have to accept that I cannot do it unless I get the help I need in my home. It's time for an equal relationship time to help each other.

I saw a solution a few years ago that may work for you. A set of grandparents did childminding vouchers for their children. You can do any number you want but it saves arguments when you have a couple of sets of grandchildren. So you could for example give them a variety of vouchers such as 2 overnight vouchers, 5 full day vouchers, 10 half day vouchers, some pick up from school vouchers etc whatever works for your situation.

I've just read your whole post, how about some 'free' vouchers and some quid pro quo vouchers ie I'll give you this babysitting time and you give me 2 hours help in the house.

 

[Purrrrrrr]

I think your son in law is taking the piss, the children aren't a bartering tool. I feel like your daughter has likely got used to the children being at your house. But then again , I'm sure they love visiting you and that your bond is very special. They will have special memories of their time spent with you in their childhood , and they won't notice the things that frustrate you about your home.

From what you've said in your post, did your mum and mil see the children/ take an interest in them in a family setting with you and their father? Was that their relationship with them , rather than babysitter/ staying over?

I did mention that they (my kids)see a lot of their nan ( dads mum) and loads of love there for them. just no looking after them, at all. I accepted that and didn't have a problem with It, but the kids' dad would not let anyone else look after them. So that became a very lonely life.
My mum was a crap mum, abusive etc so although I did take them for visits the love wasn't there it was a duty visit really.

Me and my girls (daughter children) as I call them are exceptionally close and I thank God every day for them being in my life. I just wish I had a spare room so we could breathe here. Yes, they don't notice the mess as I do , it's all I see. They love being here and will create to come here rather than the other grandparents. ( they say they are not allowed to play messy games there and get told off/shouted, even if they make a mess by accident ) Yes, I also think their dad gets to me really. he doesn't seem to understand I am not his mum and what I am ok with my daughter doing isn't OK for him to do.

he interferes when you don't want him too and doesn't do anything when he should
Exsample.

if we go home and he asks how the weekend was and I say oh it was lovely but.. he will jump on the girls and say you must not do that to nanny. I've already dealt with it no need to say anything to them. (My daughter never overrides me. never tells them off when I have already done it.)
The other day I was in the garden talking to him and when we came in the girls had made a mess and got out things they shouldn't. He never said a word to them. took them home and when we got there he made them do some chores before TV. but left my home a tip

I don't get it and I don't get him and I need to have "the chat" with them both, actually with the girls as well. My daughter will understand, but I know I could have the same conversation with him every day and he still would not take it on board but say he understand.

Fuck me another sodding novel. Think I'm stressing because the garden will not be available soon so that's even less space

 

[Kim Mild]

I don't think my MIL has seen my son 10 times in 2 and a half years and she only lives round the corner she doesn't show any interest.
My mum sees him every week though.

It seems like grandparents tend to see their daughters children more often than their sons , in general..

 

[CheesyMarmite]

I also don’t think there is a ‘normal’.
My daughter is the only grandchild of my in-laws.
She was born last March and they have seen her maybe 10 times in her life. They don’t live far, about 25 mins away.
Both semi retired and barely contact us to find out how she’s doing, or to make plans as a family.
They used to FaceTime once every two weeks, now it’s maybe once a month.
It annoys both me and my husband, but he’s a bit more detached as he has had a strained relationship with his dad and stepmum.
Keep telling myself that it’s their loss, not my daughters.
I’m no contact with my own parents (my decision), they didn’t even attempt any contact when my daughter was born….oh well!

We see on tv and films this ideal of a family, with a close bond of parents and grandparents, but in reality, it’s hardly ever that way.

Personally I couldn’t care less of my in-laws never see my daughter as when they do they just don’t respect how we’re trying to raise her. For example, we ask her if she wants a hug. We see this as teaching her that she has options and she can consent to what she wants, whereas they will just grab her and she’ll start getting annoyed. They’ll wave her arms if she doesn’t wave to say hello.
Pisses me off so much!

 

[Littleelf]

Me and my sister used to see both sets of grandparents at least one a week, probably even more than that as they used to pick us up from school as well as see us on weekends.

My parents don't see my children much, my dad lives abroad and isn't involved in our lives. My mum lives about 45 mins away , and she categorically will not come to our house. We have to go to hers no exceptions, which we don't like to do much because the travel is too much to do all he time and her house is a show home where the children are literally not allowed to do anything at all. My stepdad is massively controlling and has no qualms at shouting at the children if they do something in his house that he doesn't like, (and I'm talking things like drinking in the living room, touching the patio door or making too much noise) which i find unacceptable and my daughter is scared to death of him. My mum is very much a "show nan". As in she buys very expensive presents, takes selfies and posts it everywhere when she sees them but in reality has hardly any relationship with them at all. She has never been alone with them.

In laws live alot closer and used to have my daughter once a week before she started school but now see her once every other weekend when we take her down. I know they would love more and they miss her but they aren't prepared to come to ours to see her they expect us to go to theirs every weekend and frankly we do other things on the weekends

Before I had children I assumed that my kids would automatically have a similar grandparent experience that I did, and they would be very involved just like mine were. But the fact is that they just aren't, and that's OK. I was so dissapointed with my mum for many years with the lack of relationship she has with my daughter but I don't let it bother me now. She's lost out on her grandchildren I think she will regret it one day.

 

[Kim Mild]

So my kids went to their grandparents for the first time in 7 weeks. Grandad had to pop out for a routine nurses appointment and grandma went to meet her friend in the evening . I don't know why they didn't choose another day, there were other days this week that were more convenient for me too.

 

[Facehugger]

I'm not a grandparent yet, but when I do get any grandchildren I won't be seeing them. They'll be born in the USA and I haven't got the funds for flying to and from. So I have had to accept I won't have any ''normal'' relationship with any grandchildren at all.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

Sorry people this post was longer and more than a little self-pitying but I am one of those people who see the truth of things only when I have typed them out and go back to read it later.


I can count on one hand and have three fingers left over at how many times my or my then husband's parents looked after my three children. My MIL said she had done "her time" and now it was her time to enjoy her life and looking after her grandchildren regularly wasn't part of it. She loved the children and they loved her but she didn't babysit or childmind. My own mum although would have babysat wasn't the type of person you let look after your children. We were always welcomed with open arms for visits anytime we wanted.

Myself on the other hand didn't want my children to feel like I did, trapped and because of it, my marriage broke down. That wasn't anyone else's fault but my then-husband who would not have an evening out and if we did would only trust his mum who as I said above would not babysit.. He said to me , plenty of time for going out when the kids leave school Can you imagine being under 22 with three children being told that when that newborn reached 16 we would go out when I wanted :/


So I babysat and childminded and now feel like I'm taken the piss out of, its expected even though they say you can say no, they know I don't like to say no very often and so keep asking me for extras on top of my childminding My daughter and her partner have split up but still, live in the same house.
I love their three children and we are very very close but I live in a tiny one-bed bungalow that looks like a bomb hit it every time they leave. I am disabled and have a very hard time keeping the place nice, my daughter is loving and caring but has a blind spot where I am concerned, she will take the day off work to deep clean her already sparkly clean home while I am looking after the kids in my dirty untidy hovel. (Ok it's not as bad as that but it is a mess ) I will take the kids back and see how lovely clean spacious home that she has spent most of the day cleaning and not working like she is supposed to be doing and I do feel resentful.

His parents have a huge home and healthy and there are two of them but I do the majority of the childminded and babysitting as they say it's too much for them. He thinks it's ok to ask me to do more when his parents have said no. no matter how many times my daughter tells him to stop asking me he still does it. They have separate lives so to each of them it's only them is asking me ( did that makes sense?) it seems like they only see what I do for them, not that I'm actually doing it for both separately. IE he will only see that I have the kids when he needs me too and doesn't seem to get I also have them when she needs me too.

I am resentful and needed to get this off my chest (sorry for this) because my home needs help and no one is there to help me just asking me for help
I have looked after the children since they were born (10 years now) I childmind, babysit and sleepovers. Once after mths and mths of asking ( I hate asking as much as I do saying no), he came and did something for me and then asked me to do yet more looking after the kids as its only fair I now do something for him WTAF? That's when I realised this was a huge pisstake and not only did I miss out on my young married life but now I had other people's kids to look after and to be honest it's expected now.

I want to say what about me. where is my help? I have lived here for just over 10 years and it's never been decorated properly and never been fully finished. I have to save up and pay people to help me.
I know its sounds like they are awful people and yet they are not they are unthinking when it comes to me as I have always been a very strong person and they cannot see that now I cannot do the things I used to do.

My Son lives in Scotland and has 4 children and we only see each other a couple of times a year. So I don't have that close bond that I do with my daughter's children. I have been and spent a week there twice when they needed help to look after the children, so my holiday from looking after kids was spent looking after kids. It was lovely though to spend some bonding time with them.


Sorry again for this post I know what I have to do and will do it. It's hard as love having the children, but have to accept that I cannot do it unless I get the help I need in my home. It's time for an equal relationship time to help each other.

Not self pitying at all. You are feeling taken advantage of and from what you've said you feel like that for a perfectly good reason.

 

[Peaches_xox]

We see my mum and dad once a week, my son now sees his other nan (paternal) once in a while but that’s cos she’s not very well. Growing up I saw my nan once a year at best as she moved very far away, I now haven’t seen her in years and I saw my other dad (paternal) weekly or every other week until she died. So I think it’s different for everybody depending on relationships and logistics.

One thing I never do is force relationships. My fellas family always go on about how much they love my son but make no effort to come and see him. Dunno if they expect me to make all the effort he don’t see why I should so they may love him sooo much but then won’t see him unless they make the effort

 

[Bexybest]

My sons paternal grandparents (my in laws) are a nightmare. They gush everything they see our son and constantly tell him how much they love him and will shower him with gifts. He looks at them awkwardly now when they go over the top

But they have no idea what actually goes on in his life. For example they will 'reward' him for eating his tea, which I say no to because I expect a 7 year old to eat their tea without having to be rewarded. They have no idea that he can read proper books and still are amazed that he can read a menu himself.

The reason they don't know this stuff is because we are expected to visit them, never the other way round. They live 40 miles away so it's a trek just to sit in their lounge with not a lot to do - we go once a fortnight but sometimes even that is too much. God forbid they would jump I'm the car and come to our house or meet us halfway at a restaurant!!

 

[Kim Mild]

My in laws are my 2 youngest children's only living grandparents ,and they are the only grandchildren. They live in the next town , and are semi - retired from the family business where my husband works , yet since March they have seen the kids only 10 times. Am I the only one who finds that strange?

They don't contact the kids via phone / facetime or anything either.

I fell out with my in laws, because I stood my ground about something, and they blew it out of proportion, but I decided prior to this that it wasn't worth going against my wishes to appease them because they never saw the kids anyway ( the selfish part of me thought they weren't beneficial to me as they never provided childcare) .

When I was a child I remember seeing both sets of grandparents frequently, at least weekly.

What sort of grandparents contact do people think is normal?

 

[Purrrrrrr]

My son turned 8 at the end of October, he sees my parents a lot and we talk most days.
He sees my ex’s parents when he has his one over night visit every fortnight.
He said his grandad (ex’s dad) was going to get him a mobile phone! Really not impressed his 8 he does not need a mobile phone.
I get the impression they want to do this so he can communicate with him when his not there.
I’m sorry but they showed there true colours when they stood by there abuser son, no way am I letting my son have communication with them than needed.

I'm not defending them but how does your son feel about them? To keep my children's relationship going with grandparents they loved dearly I had to eat shite a few times.