Bizarre grandparent behaviour.

[Kim Mild]

My in laws are my 2 youngest children's only living grandparents ,and they are the only grandchildren. They live in the next town , and are semi - retired from the family business where my husband works , yet since March they have seen the kids only 10 times. Am I the only one who finds that strange?

They don't contact the kids via phone / facetime or anything either.

I fell out with my in laws, because I stood my ground about something, and they blew it out of proportion, but I decided prior to this that it wasn't worth going against my wishes to appease them because they never saw the kids anyway ( the selfish part of me thought they weren't beneficial to me as they never provided childcare) .

When I was a child I remember seeing both sets of grandparents frequently, at least weekly.

What sort of grandparents contact do people think is normal?

 

[bubbadabut]

I blew up at my in laws for similar reasons a few years ago. I have had no contact with them since, and neither have my children (their only grandchildren). It's way too long to get into, but their apathy had persisted for 7 years before I refused to take any more. It wasn't just making no effort to see their grandkids, it was also things like forgetting birthdays, lack of interest in what the kids were doing, waiting weeks to bother coming visit their newborn grandkids, showing favouritism to one child and not their siblings, and many other things. They were always far more into the dog they'd just bought, so I was more than happy to leave them to their "furbaby"

 

[dancingqueen5678]

to be honest I don't think there is a "normal". I think it just depends on the relationship both parties have and how much the grandparents like kids/have their own lives.

I saw my maternal grandmother every week as a kid because she loved having her grandkids around and my mum and her were very close. I saw my paternal grandmother maybe 4 times a year if that. Her and my grandpa where very much into their travel so they were away constantly and there are a lot of kids and grandkids on her side. Also my dad never took me much.

ETA: My paternal grandmother does like kids. I think after leaving the army and raising 6 of her own she just wasn't interested in being THAT involved as she had done her bit so to speak. She's a lovely grandmother and is very loving

 

[Kim Mild]

I'm also interested to hear from people who are grandparents themselves.

 

[Peaches_xox]

We see my mum and dad once a week, my son now sees his other nan (paternal) once in a while but that’s cos she’s not very well. Growing up I saw my nan once a year at best as she moved very far away, I now haven’t seen her in years and I saw my other dad (paternal) weekly or every other week until she died. So I think it’s different for everybody depending on relationships and logistics.

One thing I never do is force relationships. My fellas family always go on about how much they love my son but make no effort to come and see him. Dunno if they expect me to make all the effort he don’t see why I should so they may love him sooo much but then won’t see him unless they make the effort

 

[CheesyMarmite]

I also don’t think there is a ‘normal’.
My daughter is the only grandchild of my in-laws.
She was born last March and they have seen her maybe 10 times in her life. They don’t live far, about 25 mins away.
Both semi retired and barely contact us to find out how she’s doing, or to make plans as a family.
They used to FaceTime once every two weeks, now it’s maybe once a month.
It annoys both me and my husband, but he’s a bit more detached as he has had a strained relationship with his dad and stepmum.
Keep telling myself that it’s their loss, not my daughters.
I’m no contact with my own parents (my decision), they didn’t even attempt any contact when my daughter was born….oh well!

We see on tv and films this ideal of a family, with a close bond of parents and grandparents, but in reality, it’s hardly ever that way.

Personally I couldn’t care less of my in-laws never see my daughter as when they do they just don’t respect how we’re trying to raise her. For example, we ask her if she wants a hug. We see this as teaching her that she has options and she can consent to what she wants, whereas they will just grab her and she’ll start getting annoyed. They’ll wave her arms if she doesn’t wave to say hello.
Pisses me off so much!

 

[HowlOwl]

Only 10 times since March seems a lot! We are grandparents, well rather my husband is and I’m the step nanny/granny. One of his sons lives practically round the corner but we see the grandsons very rarely, they have never been to our house (they are nearly 2 and 3 years old). They obviously invite us for birthday dos etc but there’s not a regular visit. I find it odd because we always visited my dad’s parents every Saturday when I was growing up; my maternal nan actually moved quite close to us so that was handy.

Maybe they just hate our house.

 

[Rainbow1]

First grandchild and when we announced pregnancy my partners mum was so excited even talking about planning a nursery () since she’s been born 10 months ago I can probably count on one hand amount of times they’ve seen her and haven’t bought her a thing which I find a bit strange as growing up I always had a view that grandparents were there to ‘spoil’ it doesn’t have to be extravagant but just a trinket to say saw this thought baby would love it

I don’t have much of a relationship with partners mum but find the lack of visits very strange, as far as I’m aware she’s never offered to babysit etc and when we do visit we always make the 30 min drive to her house

 

[judgejohndeed]

I saw my maternal grandparents at least every Saturday growing up, and as an adult I still do now. My parental grandparents I only saw on Boxing Day as a kid/teenager - haven’t seen or spoken to them in over 10 years. Don’t think there is a ‘normal’ tbh

 

[sunnystorm88]

I used to see my maternal grandparents quite a lot growing up. I even ended up working with my Nan every weekend for a few years. I don’t remember seeing my paternal grandmother until I was about 10. We only then used to see her a couple of times a year.
My son who’s nearly 8 sees my parents a couple of times a week. He sees my ex’s parents once a fortnight if they bother to be there when he has access.

 

[tagliatelle]

We live opposite my parents so my 2 year-old sees his maternal grandparents almost every day. My in-laws, on the other hand, we probably see once every two months. They’re agoraphobic hoarders with a poorly behaved dog so I avoid, avoid, avoid.

I’m super close to both sets of my own grandparents, and they all love being greats. My husband has one living grandparent (maternal nana) and she is also agoraphobic so we don’t really see her. There’s such a wide spectrum of normal!

 

[Kim Mild]

Only 10 times since March seems a lot! We are grandparents, well rather my husband is and I’m the step nanny/granny. One of his sons lives practically round the corner but we see the grandsons very rarely, they have never been to our house (they are nearly 2 and 3 years old). They obviously invite us for birthday dos etc but there’s not a regular visit. I find it odd because we always visited my dad’s parents every Saturday when I was growing up; my maternal nan actually moved quite close to us so that was handy.

Maybe they just hate our house.

They've had the kids 7 times themselves, which has been about once a month , the other 3 times they have seen them with my husband.

Between the introduction of childcare bubbles last summer and February, they would have them for the day regularly, like every week or 2 ( except when they went on holiday and quarantined). It’s not the lack of frequency that bothers me, it's the change in frequency and I feel like they avoid having the kids.

My 3 year old keeps asking to go to theirs and I'm sick of making excuses.

ETA: My paternal grandmother does like kids. I think after leaving the army and raising 6 of her own she just wasn't interested in being THAT involved as she had done her bit so to speak. She's a lovely grandmother and is very loving

It's the lack of interest that bothers me the most . It's as if they've lost interest and discarded them .

They seem be like that , they have short term things they are into. At the minute it is motorbikes but a few years ago it was cosplay. Looks like grandparenting was one of their fads.

 

[Tublet83]

My own parents see mine once a week because they pick them up from school and do childcare, every 6 weeks or so they stay over night at a weekend. Again I never ask unless it’s a wedding or something and I need childcare. Both my parents also still work part time.

My in laws only see my kids once every 6 weeks, have never baby sat, done childcare and they haven’t stayed over ever. They are also retired.

Again, I don’t push it because they clearly aren’t interested and I don’t want my children looked after by people who aren’t interested.

 

[MrsFishandChips]

I seen my maternal grandparents daily as a child and my paternal grandmother prob twice a week as a child
I’m a stepmom and he sees his maternal grandparents three times a week and his paternal grandparents whenever there’s a birthday or event

 

[Saddlesoap]

My thoughts as a childless person with nieces and nephews. As I find it quite interesting.

Three of them live very close to both sets of grandparents. Both sets see them regularly, at minimum weekly when they were younger, but are all approaching adulthood now, so is lessening.

Another two live close to my BILs parents, but 5 hour drive from my own. BIL parents see them regularly, again use to be weekly as after school childcare, but lessening now they are getting older. My parents see them appropriately 6-8 times a year for 2-3 days at a time.

My SILs children see her parents probably daily, but rarely see my PIL. They only live an hours apart, so it's not that far. SIL always seems to find an excuse why they can't visit. PIL don't 'ask' to visit, wait to be invited. They are really sad about it.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

Ive been non contact with my dad for 7 months for various reasons and in laws dont like to travel to us. we see them about twice a year when we travel to theirs. So the kids don't really have grandparents in that respect but they all remember the kids birthdays and Xmas so the kids get a card and present in the post.

 

[Taetae95]

I saw mine at least weekly and video call with mine regularly now I live further but the bf's live in another country so he only phones every now and then. Both sets of our parents dote on our nieces/nephews and are always babysitting and stuff.

But I don't think there's a 'normal' and there are lots of valid reasons to have less contact with family

 

[Mrs Cucumber]

My mum and my nan are my children's only surviving grandparents, my mum is retired but it my nans carer. She sees the kids every Sunday when I go over, has them over for dinner when she can and to stay every school holidays. She will also have them if they are of school sick and I or my husband can't get it off work.

I never ask for her to have them as I don't believe she should, I don't understand this whole thing of parents expecting their parents/in laws to baby sit/provide child care.

 

[Notworthy]

My mum and my nan are my children's only surviving grandparents, my mum is retired but it my nans carer. She sees the kids every Sunday when I go over, has them over for dinner when she can and to stay every school holidays. She will also have them if they are of school sick and I or my husband can't get it off work.

I never ask for her to have them as I don't believe she should, I don't understand this whole thing of parents expecting their parents/in laws to baby sit/provide child care.

I agree, my mum used to look after my son one afternoon a week but she still had school age children herself plus a job so why should she feel obliged to look after my child. I saw quite a lot of my maternal grandparents when I was young but they ran a pub so they could have us round and still work. My paternal grandparents lived away plus their daughter died after having twins so they were much more involved with that side of the family.

 

[ATV2021]

I saw my maternal grandparents every week and would stay round there alot. We would also go on holiday together etc. My "father" wasn't in life to comment on his side BUT my brother has a separate Dad and 2 sets of grandparents that side.... I think they saw him once a year max? If that tbh. I always found that odd compared to how involved our maternal grandparents always were in our life. Even calls during the week etc. I do miss them and their arguments with each other on the phone you'd just be sat there like helllooo I'm still here lol