Bizarre grandparent behaviour.

[Kim Mild]

Only 10 times since March seems a lot! We are grandparents, well rather my husband is and I’m the step nanny/granny. One of his sons lives practically round the corner but we see the grandsons very rarely, they have never been to our house (they are nearly 2 and 3 years old). They obviously invite us for birthday dos etc but there’s not a regular visit. I find it odd because we always visited my dad’s parents every Saturday when I was growing up; my maternal nan actually moved quite close to us so that was handy.

Maybe they just hate our house.

They've had the kids 7 times themselves, which has been about once a month , the other 3 times they have seen them with my husband.

Between the introduction of childcare bubbles last summer and February, they would have them for the day regularly, like every week or 2 ( except when they went on holiday and quarantined). It’s not the lack of frequency that bothers me, it's the change in frequency and I feel like they avoid having the kids.

My 3 year old keeps asking to go to theirs and I'm sick of making excuses.

ETA: My paternal grandmother does like kids. I think after leaving the army and raising 6 of her own she just wasn't interested in being THAT involved as she had done her bit so to speak. She's a lovely grandmother and is very loving

It's the lack of interest that bothers me the most . It's as if they've lost interest and discarded them .

They seem be like that , they have short term things they are into. At the minute it is motorbikes but a few years ago it was cosplay. Looks like grandparenting was one of their fads.

 

[HowlOwl]

Only 10 times since March seems a lot! We are grandparents, well rather my husband is and I’m the step nanny/granny. One of his sons lives practically round the corner but we see the grandsons very rarely, they have never been to our house (they are nearly 2 and 3 years old). They obviously invite us for birthday dos etc but there’s not a regular visit. I find it odd because we always visited my dad’s parents every Saturday when I was growing up; my maternal nan actually moved quite close to us so that was handy.

Maybe they just hate our house.

 

[Kim Mild]

So since I made this thread 2 months ago my children have seen their grandparents once. No phone or video calls either. They've gone almost 7 weeks so far. I got a text after my 3 year old was off nursery ill saying they could go over if they were better , but they younger one had caught it too. So they never made any more arrangements since then . So my kids didn't see their grandparents at all during November.

I was talking to a lady in the shops today who's grandchildren live in Australia and she speaks to them everyday.

The situation makes me quite sad.

 

[Kim Mild]

I don't want people to think that the point of this post is complaining about them not babysitting my kids instead of me looking after them myself. It's that they are really involved with my husband (due to him working for the family business, and them being quite controlling ). It's about the fact that they seem to act like the kids don't exist now. I really feel like it's as if the novelty has worn off.

My kids haven't seen them for a month , and only spoke on the phone cos they phoned their dad , and they happened to be in the room . My 3 year old expects to go to theirs soon because they gave that idea when the were on the phone. They seem to make false promises to the kids . I have an issue with that.

I do understand that 2 little ones are hard work, but they could visit with my husband, or even make a phonecall or facetime so that's no excuse for no contact.

My thoughts as a childless person with nieces and nephews. As I find it quite interesting.

Three of them live very close to both sets of grandparents. Both sets see them regularly, at minimum weekly when they were younger, but are all approaching adulthood now, so is lessening.

Another two live close to my BILs parents, but 5 hour drive from my own. BIL parents see them regularly, again use to be weekly as after school childcare, but lessening now they are getting older. My parents see them appropriately 6-8 times a year for 2-3 days at a time.

My SILs children see her parents probably daily, but rarely see my PIL. They only live an hours apart, so it's not that far. SIL always seems to find an excuse why they can't visit. PIL don't 'ask' to visit, wait to be invited. They are really sad about it.

Oh it's not because they aren't asked. They don't make arrangements with us, they give us commands . They aren't shy in coming forward, especially fil.

I do feel like husband should ask , as they are his parents, if we were to ask. I'm sure they'd say no to me out of principle

 

[bubbadabut]

I blew up at my in laws for similar reasons a few years ago. I have had no contact with them since, and neither have my children (their only grandchildren). It's way too long to get into, but their apathy had persisted for 7 years before I refused to take any more. It wasn't just making no effort to see their grandkids, it was also things like forgetting birthdays, lack of interest in what the kids were doing, waiting weeks to bother coming visit their newborn grandkids, showing favouritism to one child and not their siblings, and many other things. They were always far more into the dog they'd just bought, so I was more than happy to leave them to their "furbaby"

 

[1001 others]

A good friend and her family live a day's drive away from her husband's side of the family, so only tend to catch up on long weekends or Christmas (and it's always them having to travel to see the in-laws - the in-laws hardly ever travel to see them).

I feel so sad for my friend's daughters whenever she tells me about their trips to see the grandparents ... they're cordial, but don't sound very welcoming, and the kids don't even get so much as a hug (aged 8 and 5). In fact, the girls are scared of the grandies ... they're not allowed to sit on certain couches, they're not allowed to eat without having newspaper under their chairs ... it sounds very formal and cold.

Oddly, by contrast, my friend's brother-in-law lives one town across so they see his parents all the time and his daughters (11 and 14) are treated like absolute Queens. The daughter-in-law also gets greeted warmly. Last year, the grandies gave them money for their savings accounts which is all very nice, but young kids don't really know what that means - it would've been nice if they'd given them a gift - just something little - too. By contrast, the older grand daughters were given jewellery and stationery to open up in front of the smaller kids ... I can't imagine how awful the littlies would've felt.

My friend thinks her in-laws see their kids differently as they were conceived through IVF - which, if correct, would just be so odd. Odd and sad.

 

[Zoe88]

Reviving this thread
---
Today we saw grandma 1 along with an auntie and grandma and granddad 2. I can't sleep. Thoughts of how they are are upsetting me and making me angry. I don't know what I can do about it either. I love my daughter so much and it hurts when I see she isn't respected and isn't seen. I feel like she's used as grand parent status. Both sets of grandparents have a thought about what they want her to do, how they want her to play, what they want her to be interested in, so when she does what she wants and pays attention to things she finds interesting they act like she's wrong or she's not doing something properly or she's upset them!! It's bizarre! Most of the time they go 'do you want to do this? No??!! okay then' one set doesn't give her chance, every other second there going what's this then, or shaking a different toy etc how is she meant to concentrate. The other set is just literally mind boggling, I can't understand what they're about and they're my parents! It just feels like everything is about them and everytime I come home feeling so upset and sorry for my daughter and let down. I know I should think their loss they've got someone great here and they can't appreciate her but at the same time ... why can't you f ing appreciate her! One set goes on and on about their grandson, similar age, as if it's their son!? Showing me videos and telling me what he's been upto...!? Wtf! I'm telling you about your granddaughter and what she's been upto, interested? I get no questions from either set. No asking how she is, what's she loving atm, what she's been upto, what new things has she learnt to do etc. No messages of asking to meet up, going on outings or joining our normal walks. One grandma was telling me today about playgrounds.... And how her grandson does this there etc. As if I haven't been going to one every other day for a year and a half!? I'm just so completely confused and angry and upset and feel invisible and heartbroken. Literally wtf?!

 

[tagliatelle]

We live opposite my parents so my 2 year-old sees his maternal grandparents almost every day. My in-laws, on the other hand, we probably see once every two months. They’re agoraphobic hoarders with a poorly behaved dog so I avoid, avoid, avoid.

I’m super close to both sets of my own grandparents, and they all love being greats. My husband has one living grandparent (maternal nana) and she is also agoraphobic so we don’t really see her. There’s such a wide spectrum of normal!

 

[dorydaryl]

I don't have kids or grandchildren but both my grandmothers died when I was 4 and it really affected me. I'm 51 and grieve for them to this day. My maternal grandma (nanna) lived very close so I would see her several times a week. My paternal grandma (granny) was much older and a relatively frail old lady but my mum made sure I saw her at least weekly. How I miss them both. My paternal grandfather died before I was born and maternal grandad lived until I was 18. I loved him very much but he was never the same after losing his wife to breast cancer (aged 57). We had regular contact with him, which increased as he grew older. He was close to both my parents. As an only child, what I would have given to have more time with them, growing up. But I guess every family is different. My grandparents, as far as I know, were decent, non-toxic people and I know my maternal nanna absolutely doted on her grandkids (my cousins and I). Things may have been different in the modern age.

I know that during the pandemic, many of my friends and acquaintances have missed contact with their grandchildren very much. One of my closest friends lives with her daughter, son-in-law and grandson and he adores his gran.

 

[Mardymermaid]

My parents are brilliant grandparents even though they weren’t very good parents they don’t live close though so see the kids about 8 times a year.
The paternal grandparents whilst they are good grandparents there was often a lot of favouritism with sil kids and there still is sometimes and I don’t really like them as they put me through a lot . I’m civil for the kids sake but I no longer stay silent if the kids are being treated unfairly to their cousins.

 

[judgejohndeed]

I saw my maternal grandparents at least every Saturday growing up, and as an adult I still do now. My parental grandparents I only saw on Boxing Day as a kid/teenager - haven’t seen or spoken to them in over 10 years. Don’t think there is a ‘normal’ tbh

 

[Kim Mild]

It seems the kids have monthly visits to their grandparents. Be interesting to see if they are invited next month cos the littlest hit his grandad in the face with a toy and it left a mark. He wasn't happy cos they were going out at the weekend ( he is really vain)

 

[Kim Mild]

I'm not a grandparent yet, but when I do get any grandchildren I won't be seeing them. They'll be born in the USA and I haven't got the funds for flying to and from. So I have had to accept I won't have any ''normal'' relationship with any grandchildren at all.

Would you keep in touch often using technology?

An old colleague of mine had grandchildren who lived in the USA, she said she found it so costly to visit regularly, and also very tiring- not a holiday by any means. Their other grandchildren lived elsewhere in the UK so they were long distance grandparents to both

 

[Brunetteem]

My fil sees my children once a week om average, but he's quite old and will just sit and watch. My kids also resent him as he favours another grandchild BIG TIME. And everyone knows it


My mum lives about 3 hours away and we haven't seen her much due to pandemic, and then she had some health problems, but when life is usual, she'd come up regularly or we'd go down. When she lived near, she did help a lot with childcare. She treats them the same and as equally as possible, and phones and texts them too. My step dad tries hard too.


My dad isn't interested in kids, not to say he's unloving, when he does see them (once a year ish) he gives sweets and tries to find things for them to do, but its very much out of sight, out of mind. My step mum has never had kids, but also tries hard with them.

My maternal grandparents were amazing and I want to be like them when it's our turn for grandkids

 

[Notworthy]

My mum and my nan are my children's only surviving grandparents, my mum is retired but it my nans carer. She sees the kids every Sunday when I go over, has them over for dinner when she can and to stay every school holidays. She will also have them if they are of school sick and I or my husband can't get it off work.

I never ask for her to have them as I don't believe she should, I don't understand this whole thing of parents expecting their parents/in laws to baby sit/provide child care.

I agree, my mum used to look after my son one afternoon a week but she still had school age children herself plus a job so why should she feel obliged to look after my child. I saw quite a lot of my maternal grandparents when I was young but they ran a pub so they could have us round and still work. My paternal grandparents lived away plus their daughter died after having twins so they were much more involved with that side of the family.

 

[Kim Mild]

it is very sad and they will be the ones who lose out the most the children will find other confidants etc I had an Auntie who was mine

I was talking to the other grandparents of my daughter's children the other day and we both have felt at times that we have been taken advantage of ( Im really really not saying you do this, this is purely about our situation ) but one good thing, we all have amazing relationships with the three children. and neither they nor I would change that.

I know it's them missing out.

We don't really have any other family. I think my oldest must be their substitute grandparent cos they spoil them

 

[sunnystorm88]

I'm not defending them but how does your son feel about them? To keep my children's relationship going with grandparents they loved dearly I had to eat shite a few times.

@Purrrrrrr that’s okay I used to think they were nice people but saw there true colours when they told me to say I hit my head on a cupboard after there son head butted me in front of my then 3 year old. From what my son says they on many occasions have gone away on the times my son has been there and they also tend to go out for the day. They let there own son sleep in a cabin and share a bed with my son, so to me it just shows how much they care.

 

[Anasnake]

My in laws retired to another country when my son , their only grandchild was two, they then complained that we didn’t spend every holiday visiting them

 

[sunnystorm88]

I used to see my maternal grandparents quite a lot growing up. I even ended up working with my Nan every weekend for a few years. I don’t remember seeing my paternal grandmother until I was about 10. We only then used to see her a couple of times a year.
My son who’s nearly 8 sees my parents a couple of times a week. He sees my ex’s parents once a fortnight if they bother to be there when he has access.

 

[Kim Mild]

Sorry people this post was longer and more than a little self-pitying but I am one of those people who see the truth of things only when I have typed them out and go back to read it later.


I can count on one hand and have three fingers left over at how many times my or my then husband's parents looked after my three children. My MIL said she had done "her time" and now it was her time to enjoy her life and looking after her grandchildren regularly wasn't part of it. She loved the children and they loved her but she didn't babysit or childmind. My own mum although would have babysat wasn't the type of person you let look after your children. We were always welcomed with open arms for visits anytime we wanted.

Myself on the other hand didn't want my children to feel like I did, trapped and because of it, my marriage broke down. That wasn't anyone else's fault but my then-husband who would not have an evening out and if we did would only trust his mum who as I said above would not babysit.. He said to me , plenty of time for going out when the kids leave school Can you imagine being under 22 with three children being told that when that newborn reached 16 we would go out when I wanted :/


So I babysat and childminded and now feel like I'm taken the piss out of, its expected even though they say you can say no, they know I don't like to say no very often and so keep asking me for extras on top of my childminding My daughter and her partner have split up but still, live in the same house.
I love their three children and we are very very close but I live in a tiny one-bed bungalow that looks like a bomb hit it every time they leave. I am disabled and have a very hard time keeping the place nice, my daughter is loving and caring but has a blind spot where I am concerned, she will take the day off work to deep clean her already sparkly clean home while I am looking after the kids in my dirty untidy hovel. (Ok it's not as bad as that but it is a mess ) I will take the kids back and see how lovely clean spacious home that she has spent most of the day cleaning and not working like she is supposed to be doing and I do feel resentful.

His parents have a huge home and healthy and there are two of them but I do the majority of the childminded and babysitting as they say it's too much for them. He thinks it's ok to ask me to do more when his parents have said no. no matter how many times my daughter tells him to stop asking me he still does it. They have separate lives so to each of them it's only them is asking me ( did that makes sense?) it seems like they only see what I do for them, not that I'm actually doing it for both separately. IE he will only see that I have the kids when he needs me too and doesn't seem to get I also have them when she needs me too.

I am resentful and needed to get this off my chest (sorry for this) because my home needs help and no one is there to help me just asking me for help
I have looked after the children since they were born (10 years now) I childmind, babysit and sleepovers. Once after mths and mths of asking ( I hate asking as much as I do saying no), he came and did something for me and then asked me to do yet more looking after the kids as its only fair I now do something for him WTAF? That's when I realised this was a huge pisstake and not only did I miss out on my young married life but now I had other people's kids to look after and to be honest it's expected now.

I want to say what about me. where is my help? I have lived here for just over 10 years and it's never been decorated properly and never been fully finished. I have to save up and pay people to help me.
I know its sounds like they are awful people and yet they are not they are unthinking when it comes to me as I have always been a very strong person and they cannot see that now I cannot do the things I used to do.

My Son lives in Scotland and has 4 children and we only see each other a couple of times a year. So I don't have that close bond that I do with my daughter's children. I have been and spent a week there twice when they needed help to look after the children, so my holiday from looking after kids was spent looking after kids. It was lovely though to spend some bonding time with them.


Sorry again for this post I know what I have to do and will do it. It's hard as love having the children, but have to accept that I cannot do it unless I get the help I need in my home. It's time for an equal relationship time to help each other.

I think your son in law is taking the piss, the children aren't a bartering tool. I feel like your daughter has likely got used to the children being at your house. But then again , I'm sure they love visiting you and that your bond is very special. They will have special memories of their time spent with you in their childhood , and they won't notice the things that frustrate you about your home.

From what you've said in your post, did your mum and mil see the children/ take an interest in them in a family setting with you and their father? Was that their relationship with them , rather than babysitter/ staying over?