BF Query

[BallsBurst]

I havnt put him on the mortgage and I won't be either. Come on now, this isn't why I'm asking for advice. It's absolutely my cost to bear and I can assure you hes more than happy for me to bear it!

Well aware we are not financially joined together. Again, won't be going down that road blind folded.

No need to disclose anything to me. You're absolutely right. I'm asking and now have my answer that I'm out of order.

He told me it's none of my business. He spat it actually. He was pretty angry.

I really am delighted for you and your husband being on such a level playing field and him letting you look after both your finances. It's what Id love too but unfortunately my BF carries on like this. He isn't aware of the legal implications and has absolutely no interest in hearing them.

Let me be clear. I am asking am I out of order querying this as I am worried about debt and or gambling. Not *how much he has*

Do you tell him the ins and outs of your finances? Perhaps he thinks it's none of your business.

Maybe he has nothing left from his wages once all his direct debits are paid, or he wastes it on random crap.

Or he is saving his surplus money for something in the future.

No matter how much he contributes in ' rent' ,will you still consider it your house rather than both of your house? When I've lived with partners , we have never both paid equal amounts, someone has always paid more.

He thinks it's none of my business. I disagree after sharing my home with him for 4 years. Of course he has contributed to the mortgage too. Honestly girls do you think it's a good idea to not let him pay his way?

There is very little left at the end of the month. I'm talking a tenner... We don't go out or do a whole lot.

The lad doesn't know what he's doing next week never mind saving for a future

 

[Caffeine Fiend]

We have separate finances, no joint accounts at all, but I know how much my partners salary is.

I think its v weird that 4 years in you have absolutely no idea about his finances at all?!? Its not a new relationship. Are there really people out there living together who hide their salary from each otherm

Who pays if you go out for food or an activity? Does his contribution cover his share of the utilities / tv subscriptions etc and food?

 

[JoeBloggs]

I think it’s bonkers people are suggesting he shouldn’t pay anything unless you put him on the mortgage. He would pay rent to live anywhere else and why should he live with you for free because you’re in a relationship? Likewise, you’d be mad to add him to the mortgage when you aren’t in that place yet where you know you have a secure future together. Years back when I first moved in with my husband (not married at that time) I didn’t know the ins and outs of his finances no and I probably didn’t ask. I think if you are starting to move towards a future together, and linking your finances, you have a right to ask if there are any issues you should know about. But then that would probably come hand in hand with the above re the mortgage. Doesn’t sound like that’s where you are?

You have miss read what I said, I said why should he be covering the costs of the home (ie repairs or improvements) if he's not on the mortgage. Say he pays for a new boiler, and the they break up he's put into her home and leaves with nothing.

By all means he should be paying his share of the mortgage/rent and the bills but expecting him to pay for costs of a home that he gets no financial benefit or claim from is, imo, not fair. You cannot expect someone to put in but not get out, you do not have to cover maintenance if you rent so why should he when he effectively rents in this situation.

Again I do not think the OP should be adding him to the mortgage, but if this isn't in the future plan how much of a future is that for a relationship.

 

[Kim Mild]

Yes I have absolutely explained it. I cleared a loan recently and it got me thinking. I remember in the early days seeing a loan application for €500 and because it was such a new relationship I didn't press him but made it clear he should have asked me if he was ever stuck. Other than needing constant reminding that bills are in/due there has been no delay on his part in paying his way. Ive just become so obsessed now. There are red flags that he is refusing to share this side of his life with me.

It isn't uncommon for people to spend all their income and have nothing left. IF he is repaying a debt or likes to gamble, this seems to be within his monthly budget.

You said you've become obsessed with it now , he may be aware of that which will only make him more secretive.

 

[LadyB65]

@JoeBloggs I appreciate that, from my point of view, my OH would pay way more to live elsewhere, And he lives in the home, so why shouldn’t he contribute to bills/repairs, we do have a plan to eventually move though and buy a house together, I only own this solely as I got it before I met him. But I’m proud of the fact it’s mine and was able to buy it myself.
To go back to the original post, I suppose you first need to work out what you both want for the future, could you broach the subject that way? Without specifically mentioning money? If he’s happy to blow four figures on goodness knows what, but not to buy you a ring or save it for other future expenses then maybe he isn’t at that stage in his life just now? I certainly can’t account for every penny my OH spends, and I wouldn’t want to, but it is nice to know that we are at least on the same page with regards to the future. The Cheltenham thing is strange though, it would definitely suggest to me that he likes to gamble, which is fine, until it becomes a problem, and something that he feels he has to do to win money back that he has previously lost, I’m sure it can become a vicious cycle, as lax as I am about my OH’s spending, this is definitely something that I would want to know about - especially because it could affect our future x

 

[BallsBurst]

Oh, I know some people would consider it over the top - like I'm some kind of credit Nazi - but when you work in finance for 24 years, you really do see and hear it all especially arrears and repossessions which I also did (trust me, that's when the truth really comes out) - so yeah, I wanted to make damn sure what I was getting into especially with a manipulative ex-wife in the background who also took out two loans in his name (that WE then had to pay for two years)

So yeah, I'm ok with it. Shame more people don't do the same before rushing to take out joint mortgages with people they don't really know.

I've mentioned this before on here but I also worked for a mortgage broker and one of our advisers had an appointment with a married couple. On the morning of the appointment, he got a call from the guy asking him to come a bit earlier as he wanted to talk to him without the wife there. It turned out the guy had a child conceived during a one night stand, who he'd never had any contact with, and it happened way before he'd even met his wife - but he'd never told her about it. The CSA were taking payment at source and he wanted to show our adviser his 'real' income before his wife got there. She'd never seen his payslips. Anyway, because of the CSA payments, their affordability was completely fucked and they couldn't get the mortgage they wanted.

So yeah, check it all people - credit reports, bank statements (the bank statements of gamblers are obvious and I've turned down people for mortgages based on it) payslips, the lot before you hitch your financial star to some loser!

I like you I'd pick you as a friend IRL

 

[sassylash]

absolutely bin him !

yes i know i need to

 

[Kim Mild]

Do you tell him the ins and outs of your finances? Perhaps he thinks it's none of your business.

Maybe he has nothing left from his wages once all his direct debits are paid, or he wastes it on random crap.

Or he is saving his surplus money for something in the future.

No matter how much he contributes in ' rent' ,will you still consider it your house rather than both of your house? When I've lived with partners , we have never both paid equal amounts, someone has always paid more.

 

[BallsBurst]

You have miss read what I said, I said why should he be covering the costs of the home (ie repairs or improvements) if he's not on the mortgage. Say he pays for a new boiler, and the they break up he's put into her home and leaves with nothing.

By all means he should be paying his share of the mortgage/rent and the bills but expecting him to pay for costs of a home that he gets no financial benefit or claim from is, imo, not fair. You cannot expect someone to put in but not get out, you do not have to cover maintenance if you rent so why should he when he effectively rents in this situation.

Again I do not think the OP should be adding him to the mortgage, but if this isn't in the future plan how much of a future is that for a relationship.

Again. He doesn't. I cover those costs. I don't and never expected him to. I get your point and I know your replying to someone else. But your basing this on something I didn't say

 

[BallsBurst]

Weird that you live together and he doesn’t tell you, plus he is paying into your mortgage I feel like in a relationship this shouldn’t be a taboo subject. Do you not have a joint account? I don’t know the ins and outs of my partners finances but if I asked him, he’d tell me. What’s he hiding? Is he afraid you’d judge him?

I'd hazard a guess that he's afraid I'd judge him, yea. I have absolutely no skeletons in my closet so I'm super cagey now. He gets really angry. I am the calmest person in a row I literally don't scream and shout but he does and this question triggers him.

Absolutely no chance he's loaded although I am holding out for a lotto win

 

[BallsBurst]

@LadyB65 I only mentioned the mortgage because of the comment about him not paying for the costs of the home made earlier. Why should he cover these costs if he owns no part of it.

I think you need to sit down, perhaps things will come out neither of you want to hear but I think it is the only way forward. You both need to be open and honest about your future.

Yes. But @JoeBloggs I mentioned that because another poster specifically said he paid 50% to a joint house hold. He doesn't. He pays an agreed amount. Agreed between both of us. Not because I expected him to pay for the cost of it. I pay those bills

 

[standupsitdown]

Does he have a strong minded nature? Maybe it’s a stubbornness/control thing. As in the more he senses you want to know, the more determined he becomes to hide it from you.

Either way it’s not cool, you’re kind of in a catch 22 - if you insist you look nosey and interfering (which you’re not), if you keep your mouth shut it will eat away and damage your relationship.

Maybe you could insist on an honesty meeting - you bring your financial info and he brings his. Explain the openness and transparency is important to you. That seems fair and reasonable. You’re not demanding to read his diary, phone or internet history after all. If you love someone you comply with what matters to them, surely?

If he refuses I would reconsider your relationship.

 

[BallsBurst]

I think as long as he’s contributing and there’s no debt letters etc showing up then you have no right to push it.

Thanks girl. I know your right I just worry about debt and our future together if we do decide to take the next step

 

[BallsBurst]

No I agree that you are being sensible, but I do not think you are going about this in the right way. You need to understand you do not have a right to his financial situation/history, it is his business alone right now and if he does not want to disclose you cannot make him.

This is a bit of a catch 22, if he feels that you don't want to be connected to him financially why would he disclose anything to you and in that same sentiment, if he will not disclose why would you want to be joined. I totally get that but you need to sit down as two adults in a long term relationship and discuss the future and everything that comes with that. Explain to him how you see things going but why you are hesitant. If you are not on the same page, it is not a good basis for a relationship.

You begging him to disclose stuff he doesn't feel is your business will just make a bigger issue of it all and make him less likely to speak to you. Perhaps he does have a gambling issue or past debt, but he needs to feel you are there for him and understanding about his situation.

Yea I agree with alot of this. Including us clearly not being on the same page. I wonder is he on any page at all. Feeling a bit vulnerable at the minute and lots of little things raising their head

 

[BallsBurst]

Does he have a strong minded nature? Maybe it’s a stubbornness/control thing. As in the more he senses you want to know, the more determined he becomes to hide it from you.

Either way it’s not cool, you’re kind of in a catch 22 - if you insist you look nosey and interfering (which you’re not), if you keep your mouth shut it will eat away and damage your relationship.

Maybe you could insist on an honesty meeting - you bring your financial info and he brings his. Explain the openness and transparency is important to you. That seems fair and reasonable. You’re not demanding to read his diary, phone or internet history after all. If you love someone you comply with what matters to them, surely?

If he refuses I would reconsider your relationship.

If he had a strong minded nature I'd nearly understand. He literally is happy for me to organise absolutely everything between us. I know there is assertive men out there but this guy couldn't be any more laid back.
I really don't think he will ever volunteer this information and although I don't think it's something worth breaking up over its obviously at the back of my my mind thinking what is it he's not telling me. When I asked him his answer is 'I tell you everything'. When I reply 'no you dont' his response is 'what do i not tell you'. 'I don't know what you don't tell me dude' it goes round and round until the next time

 

[BallsBurst]

I have a similar living situation, where I owned my house before I met my other half, and now we live together he pays me ‘rent’ that covers half of the bills and mortgage, what he pays to me doesn’t even touch what he would pay if he rented, so he’s getting a pretty good deal out of it! so I don’t find this strange, and actually think it’s strange that someone above suggested that he should be put on the mortgage - that’s your house babe, and without knowing his history why the hell should he be entitled to any of it, especially if he can’t talk about finances with you!
I do agree that maybe he has some debt he is ashamed of, or something, but as an adult he should be able to sit down and talk about it, and not go in a huff like a child? Money’s difficult to talk about sometimes, but it shouldn’t be if you’re in a committed relationship?
my question would be, why do you want to know this info? Are you just being nosey, especially knowing he doesn’t like talking about it? Or are you thinking about the future?
I think the only option is talking about it, at least to find out if you are on the same page about the future?

You've written this better than I ever could. I don't know do some people who are replying know how hard it is as a sole applicant finally getting on the property ladder. And I don't mean that as a difficulty sore. The absolute hardship of all the saving and years of depriving myself of nice things. I could cry.
Any way. My concerns are definately down to me looking into the future for both of us. We've talked about getting engaged but it doesn't seem to be on a priority list for him. He has withdrawn money. 4 figures. *he told me this willingly* before anyone @s me. And he's blowing it - actively. Asked me the other day do I want a tip for Cheltenham. Isn't Cheltenham at Easter?

 

[BallsBurst]

We have separate finances, no joint accounts at all, but I know how much my partners salary is.

I think its v weird that 4 years in you have absolutely no idea about his finances at all?!? Its not a new relationship. Are there really people out there living together who hide their salary from each otherm

Who pays if you go out for food or an activity? Does his contribution cover his share of the utilities / tv subscriptions etc and food?

If he pays today I pay tommorrow. Honestly no issues with that side of things because I'm so open I expect him to be too. I don't get it but as I've learned here everyone's different.

 

[BallsBurst]

Can someone advise me please. Am I out of order querying the state of my BF's finances.
4 years together
Live together in a house I own (mortgage, he pays rent)

He refuses to tell me. Now he's not rich. Nor am I. Both fairly average jobs.

I fear he is up to his eyes in debt and/or gambling.

 

[Saddlesoap]

Are you sure he isn't loaded?
My husband is really cagey bout his money, stems from how his Dad behaves with money. I know he saves and saves but couldn't tell you how much he has other than its a lot more than me I don't ask cos it's not relevant.

 

[BallsBurst]

Same. It IS fucking weird. And for charging him "rent". WTF? He contributes towards a joint household - calling it rent makes him sound like a lodger.

Then again, I'm firmly in the camp that couples who live together shouldn't have separate finances. I don't get it at all. But best not to get started on that again



This has to be a wind up surely?!

Rent is just the word I used to explain my situation. I don't charge him it. I don't call it rent when we speak about it. He isn't a lodger.

But in saying that he doesn't contribute 50% to our joint house hold. I pick up the most of it. It has been fully furnished by me with all annual expenses that come with a house paid for by me.

I think it’s weird that 4 years in and living together and you don’t know his finances. I couldn’t handle that.

I’d want and expect me and my partner to be 100% open with each other on this, how can you feel secure and plan a future with someone if you’re not? (assuming you’re planning a future).

Honestly it's something Im Not sure I can handle