BF Query

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Can someone advise me please. Am I out of order querying the state of my BF's finances.
4 years together
Live together in a house I own (mortgage, he pays rent)

He refuses to tell me. Now he's not rich. Nor am I. Both fairly average jobs.

I fear he is up to his eyes in debt and/or gambling.
 
I think it all depends on how you’ve gone about it? Have you explained that your questions are coming from a place of concern? And more importantly- do you have anything to back up your concerns? (Ie: is his rent always paid on time to you? Is he borrowing money etc).
 
Yes I have absolutely explained it. I cleared a loan recently and it got me thinking. I remember in the early days seeing a loan application for €500 and because it was such a new relationship I didn't press him but made it clear he should have asked me if he was ever stuck. Other than needing constant reminding that bills are in/due there has been no delay on his part in paying his way. Ive just become so obsessed now. There are red flags that he is refusing to share this side of his life with me.
 
Weird that you live together and he doesn’t tell you, plus he is paying into your mortgage I feel like in a relationship this shouldn’t be a taboo subject. Do you not have a joint account? I don’t know the ins and outs of my partners finances but if I asked him, he’d tell me. What’s he hiding? Is he afraid you’d judge him?
 
Are you sure he isn't loaded?
My husband is really cagey bout his money, stems from how his Dad behaves with money. I know he saves and saves but couldn't tell you how much he has other than its a lot more than me 🤣🤣 I don't ask cos it's not relevant.
 
Weird that you live together and he doesn’t tell you, plus he is paying into your mortgage I feel like in a relationship this shouldn’t be a taboo subject. Do you not have a joint account? I don’t know the ins and outs of my partners finances but if I asked him, he’d tell me. What’s he hiding? Is he afraid you’d judge him?
I'd hazard a guess that he's afraid I'd judge him, yea. I have absolutely no skeletons in my closet so I'm super cagey now. He gets really angry. I am the calmest person in a row I literally don't scream and shout but he does and this question triggers him.

Absolutely no chance he's loaded although I am holding out for a lotto win 🤪🤞🏼
 
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I think as long as he’s contributing and there’s no debt letters etc showing up then you have no right to push it.
 
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I think as long as he’s contributing and there’s no debt letters etc showing up then you have no right to push it.
Thanks girl. I know your right I just worry about debt and our future together if we do decide to take the next step
 
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I think it’s weird that 4 years in and living together and you don’t know his finances. I couldn’t handle that.

I’d want and expect me and my partner to be 100% open with each other on this, how can you feel secure and plan a future with someone if you’re not? (assuming you’re planning a future).
 
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I feel like this normal too ask this too but my partner says a women should never know 😭😭
 
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I think it’s weird that 4 years in and living together and you don’t know his finances. I couldn’t handle that.

I’d want and expect me and my partner to be 100% open with each other on this, how can you feel secure and plan a future with someone if you’re not? (assuming you’re planning a future).
Same. It IS bleeping weird. And for charging him "rent". WTF? He contributes towards a joint household - calling it rent makes him sound like a lodger.

Then again, I'm firmly in the camp that couples who live together shouldn't have separate finances. I don't get it at all. But best not to get started on that again 🤐😂

I feel like this normal too ask this too but my partner says a women should never know 😭😭
This has to be a wind up surely?!
 
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Same. It IS bleeping weird. And for charging him "rent". WTF? He contributes towards a joint household - calling it rent makes him sound like a lodger.

Then again, I'm firmly in the camp that couples who live together shouldn't have separate finances. I don't get it at all. But best not to get started on that again 🤐😂



This has to be a wind up surely?!
Rent is just the word I used to explain my situation. I don't charge him it. I don't call it rent when we speak about it. He isn't a lodger.

But in saying that he doesn't contribute 50% to our joint house hold. I pick up the most of it. It has been fully furnished by me with all annual expenses that come with a house paid for by me.

I think it’s weird that 4 years in and living together and you don’t know his finances. I couldn’t handle that.

I’d want and expect me and my partner to be 100% open with each other on this, how can you feel secure and plan a future with someone if you’re not? (assuming you’re planning a future).
Honestly it's something Im Not sure I can handle
 
If you haven’t put him on the mortgage, why should he pick up the bill for your home. He won’t get anything from it if you part so imo it’s your cost to bare. If you want to share, he needs to have rights to the house.

You are not married, you don’t own property or a loan together nor do you have a join account (I presume) therefore you are not legally joined financially and he has no need to disclose anything to you.

Why do you want to know? If he’s paying his ‘rent’ and any other agreed bills on time then it’s none of your business. If you are thinking of joining financially then it is, and I think you need to explain your concerns to him as his situation would then legally affect you.

Has he told you why he doesn’t want you to know? Some people just don’t like talking about money, my husband hates it and leaves all the finances to me. Trying to talk to him about money is hard!
 
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Do you tell him the ins and outs of your finances? Perhaps he thinks it's none of your business.

Maybe he has nothing left from his wages once all his direct debits are paid, or he wastes it on random crap.

Or he is saving his surplus money for something in the future.

No matter how much he contributes in ' rent' ,will you still consider it your house rather than both of your house? When I've lived with partners , we have never both paid equal amounts, someone has always paid more.
 
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I havnt put him on the mortgage and I won't be either. Come on now, this isn't why I'm asking for advice. It's absolutely my cost to bear and I can assure you hes more than happy for me to bear it!

Well aware we are not financially joined together. Again, won't be going down that road blind folded.

No need to disclose anything to me. You're absolutely right. I'm asking and now have my answer that I'm out of order.

He told me it's none of my business. He spat it actually. He was pretty angry.

I really am delighted for you and your husband being on such a level playing field and him letting you look after both your finances. It's what Id love too but unfortunately my BF carries on like this. He isn't aware of the legal implications and has absolutely no interest in hearing them.

Let me be clear. I am asking am I out of order querying this as I am worried about debt and or gambling. Not *how much he has*

Do you tell him the ins and outs of your finances? Perhaps he thinks it's none of your business.

Maybe he has nothing left from his wages once all his direct debits are paid, or he wastes it on random crap.

Or he is saving his surplus money for something in the future.

No matter how much he contributes in ' rent' ,will you still consider it your house rather than both of your house? When I've lived with partners , we have never both paid equal amounts, someone has always paid more.
He thinks it's none of my business. I disagree after sharing my home with him for 4 years. Of course he has contributed to the mortgage too. Honestly girls do you think it's a good idea to not let him pay his way?

There is very little left at the end of the month. I'm talking a tenner... We don't go out or do a whole lot.

The lad doesn't know what he's doing next week never mind saving for a future
 
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Let me be clear. I am asking am I out of order querying this as I am worried about debt and or gambling. Not *how much he has*
Based on what you have said, yes you are. He’s covering his rent/bills and the rest is his business alone.

You have no plans to add him to your mortgage or join financially so what future is that. You seem very angry about all this, why? If he has debts and you have no plans to be legally bound to him, it makes no difference to you. If he stops paying rent you can kick him out.
 
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Based on what you have said, yes you are. He’s covering his rent/bills and the rest is his business alone.

You have no plans to add him to your mortgage or join financially so what future is that. You seem very angry about all this, why? If he has debts and you have no plans to be legally bound to him, it makes no difference to you. If he stops paying rent you can kick him out.
My plans to not join us financially are directly related to the fact he's not 100% open with me. You won't convince me that I'm not being sensible here. Of course that's where I eventually want us to be. How do you suggest that I make that happen when I don't know where he's at?
 
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My plans to not join us financially are directly related to the fact he's not 100% open with me. You won't convince me that I'm not being sensible here. Of course that's where I eventually want us to be. How do you suggest that I make that happen when I don't know where he's at?
No I agree that you are being sensible, but I do not think you are going about this in the right way. You need to understand you do not have a right to his financial situation/history, it is his business alone right now and if he does not want to disclose you cannot make him.

This is a bit of a catch 22, if he feels that you don't want to be connected to him financially why would he disclose anything to you and in that same sentiment, if he will not disclose why would you want to be joined. I totally get that but you need to sit down as two adults in a long term relationship and discuss the future and everything that comes with that. Explain to him how you see things going but why you are hesitant. If you are not on the same page, it is not a good basis for a relationship.

You begging him to disclose stuff he doesn't feel is your business will just make a bigger issue of it all and make him less likely to speak to you. Perhaps he does have a gambling issue or past debt, but he needs to feel you are there for him and understanding about his situation.
 
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No I agree that you are being sensible, but I do not think you are going about this in the right way. You need to understand you do not have a right to his financial situation/history, it is his business alone right now and if he does not want to disclose you cannot make him.

This is a bit of a catch 22, if he feels that you don't want to be connected to him financially why would he disclose anything to you and in that same sentiment, if he will not disclose why would you want to be joined. I totally get that but you need to sit down as two adults in a long term relationship and discuss the future and everything that comes with that. Explain to him how you see things going but why you are hesitant. If you are not on the same page, it is not a good basis for a relationship.

You begging him to disclose stuff he doesn't feel is your business will just make a bigger issue of it all and make him less likely to speak to you. Perhaps he does have a gambling issue or past debt, but he needs to feel you are there for him and understanding about his situation.
Yea I agree with alot of this. Including us clearly not being on the same page. I wonder is he on any page at all. Feeling a bit vulnerable at the minute and lots of little things raising their head
 
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I have a similar living situation, where I owned my house before I met my other half, and now we live together he pays me ‘rent’ that covers half of the bills and mortgage, what he pays to me doesn’t even touch what he would pay if he rented, so he’s getting a pretty good deal out of it! so I don’t find this strange, and actually think it’s strange that someone above suggested that he should be put on the mortgage - that’s your house babe, and without knowing his history why the hell should he be entitled to any of it, especially if he can’t talk about finances with you!
I do agree that maybe he has some debt he is ashamed of, or something, but as an adult he should be able to sit down and talk about it, and not go in a huff like a child? 🤷🏼‍♀️ Money’s difficult to talk about sometimes, but it shouldn’t be if you’re in a committed relationship?
my question would be, why do you want to know this info? Are you just being nosey, especially knowing he doesn’t like talking about it? Or are you thinking about the future?
I think the only option is talking about it, at least to find out if you are on the same page about the future?
 
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