BF Query

[LadyB65]

I have a similar living situation, where I owned my house before I met my other half, and now we live together he pays me ‘rent’ that covers half of the bills and mortgage, what he pays to me doesn’t even touch what he would pay if he rented, so he’s getting a pretty good deal out of it! so I don’t find this strange, and actually think it’s strange that someone above suggested that he should be put on the mortgage - that’s your house babe, and without knowing his history why the hell should he be entitled to any of it, especially if he can’t talk about finances with you!
I do agree that maybe he has some debt he is ashamed of, or something, but as an adult he should be able to sit down and talk about it, and not go in a huff like a child? Money’s difficult to talk about sometimes, but it shouldn’t be if you’re in a committed relationship?
my question would be, why do you want to know this info? Are you just being nosey, especially knowing he doesn’t like talking about it? Or are you thinking about the future?
I think the only option is talking about it, at least to find out if you are on the same page about the future?

 

[a.pain]

I think it’s bonkers people are suggesting he shouldn’t pay anything unless you put him on the mortgage. He would pay rent to live anywhere else and why should he live with you for free because you’re in a relationship? Likewise, you’d be mad to add him to the mortgage when you aren’t in that place yet where you know you have a secure future together. Years back when I first moved in with my husband (not married at that time) I didn’t know the ins and outs of his finances no and I probably didn’t ask. I think if you are starting to move towards a future together, and linking your finances, you have a right to ask if there are any issues you should know about. But then that would probably come hand in hand with the above re the mortgage. Doesn’t sound like that’s where you are?

 

[sassylash]

I feel like this normal too ask this too but my partner says a women should never know

 

[Leskank]

OP I think you’re right to be suspicious. In my experience reluctance to talk about finances is a huge red flag. My husband was very cagey when it came to talking about money and kept delaying setting up a joint bank account after we married. I’m bloody glad he did because he died suddenly just 10 months in to our marriage and I have since discovered he had over 15k of debt that he had kept secret from me. If we had a joint account I would have been linked to him financially and it would have destroyed my credit rating. He obviously knew this which is why he kept putting it off.

Go with your gut on this. If you feel like he’s hiding something, he most likely is.

 

[Mrs Cucumber]

I'd hazard a guess that he's afraid I'd judge him, yea. I have absolutely no skeletons in my closet so I'm super cagey now. He gets really angry. I am the calmest person in a row I literally don't scream and shout but he does and this question triggers him.

Absolutely no chance he's loaded although I am holding out for a lotto win

To me, this is a huge red flag. He won't be open and talk to you and gets angry when you try and broach it, that's not healthy!

 

[standupsitdown]

I think it’s weird that 4 years in and living together and you don’t know his finances. I couldn’t handle that.

I’d want and expect me and my partner to be 100% open with each other on this, how can you feel secure and plan a future with someone if you’re not? (assuming you’re planning a future).

 

[BettyCrockerr]

His reaction & response to the question is the biggest issue here. He reacted to the question with negativity & hostility. There’s a reason.

if you are living together as a committed couple, building a life together as a couple, looking to the future together as partners then you both should be completely honest about your financial position. people don’t like to talk about it but unfortunately money is a huge building block of life and you of course have to be on the same page together on it. Do you know how much he earns a month? Does he contribute an equal share to the household bills/food shop/if you go on holidays etc etc etc - because he should be.

he’s being cagey with you because he’s hiding something - that should be a red flag. If he didn’t have something to hide he would have no issue discussing this with you.

 

[BallsBurst]

Based on what you have said, yes you are. He’s covering his rent/bills and the rest is his business alone.

You have no plans to add him to your mortgage or join financially so what future is that. You seem very angry about all this, why? If he has debts and you have no plans to be legally bound to him, it makes no difference to you. If he stops paying rent you can kick him out.

My plans to not join us financially are directly related to the fact he's not 100% open with me. You won't convince me that I'm not being sensible here. Of course that's where I eventually want us to be. How do you suggest that I make that happen when I don't know where he's at?

 

[BettyCrockerr]

If he had a strong minded nature I'd nearly understand. He literally is happy for me to organise absolutely everything between us. I know there is assertive men out there but this guy couldn't be any more laid back.
I really don't think he will ever volunteer this information and although I don't think it's something worth breaking up over its obviously at the back of my my mind thinking what is it he's not telling me. When I asked him his answer is 'I tell you everything'. When I reply 'no you dont' his response is 'what do i not tell you'. 'I don't know what you don't tell me dude' it goes round and round until the next time

Just ask him outright - ask him what he earns, ask him what he saves, ask him if he’s in any debt, ask him if he’s worried about money etc

i can tell you now - he’s trying to keep something from you.

 

[LaurieLaurie]

I think as long as he’s contributing and there’s no debt letters etc showing up then you have no right to push it.

 

[JoeBloggs]

Let me be clear. I am asking am I out of order querying this as I am worried about debt and or gambling. Not *how much he has*

Based on what you have said, yes you are. He’s covering his rent/bills and the rest is his business alone.

You have no plans to add him to your mortgage or join financially so what future is that. You seem very angry about all this, why? If he has debts and you have no plans to be legally bound to him, it makes no difference to you. If he stops paying rent you can kick him out.

 

[disneys]

I feel like this normal too ask this too but my partner says a women should never know

absolutely bin him !

 

[BallsBurst]

Just to clarify, when I queried the "rent" situation, in no way was suggesting you put him on your mortgage. It's just an odd term to use when people live together. Like when couples who live together lend each other money. Don't even get me started

In my opinion, you have every right to ask him about money if you are living together and building a life together. Before I moved in with my partner, I asked him to do credit report that I could look at. I know that sounds over the top but he had separated from his now ex wife, who had remortgaged the house at one point without telling him (forged his signature on the documents) and he was being very vague about his outgoings when I was trying to work out what we could afford to rent together. And, in my defence, I'm an ex mortgage underwriter and felt like he was hiding something. Turns out he wasn't - he just really has no interest in money! He couldn't tell you now what our set outgoings are each money whereas I can tell you pretty much to the penny.

I'm in no way judging you by saying this but you find it odd that I used the word rent to describe the money my bf contributes but your ok with asking an OH to do a credit report. We might be more alike than you care to think. Because although I agree it's a little OTT I want to know the exact same as you

 

[Be More Pacific]

Just to clarify, when I queried the "rent" situation, in no way was suggesting you put him on your mortgage. It's just an odd term to use when people live together. Like when couples who live together lend each other money. Don't even get me started

In my opinion, you have every right to ask him about money if you are living together and building a life together. Before I moved in with my partner, I asked him to do credit report that I could look at. I know that sounds over the top but he had separated from his now ex wife, who had remortgaged the house at one point without telling him (forged his signature on the documents) and he was being very vague about his outgoings when I was trying to work out what we could afford to rent together. And, in my defence, I'm an ex mortgage underwriter and felt like he was hiding something. Turns out he wasn't - he just really has no interest in money! He couldn't tell you now what our set outgoings are each money whereas I can tell you pretty much to the penny.

 

[Be More Pacific]

I'm in no way judging you by saying this but you find it odd that I used the word rent to describe the money my bf contributes but your ok with asking an OH to do a credit report. We might be more alike than you care to think. Because although I agree it's a little OTT I want to know the exact same as you

Oh, I know some people would consider it over the top - like I'm some kind of credit Nazi - but when you work in finance for 24 years, you really do see and hear it all especially arrears and repossessions which I also did (trust me, that's when the truth really comes out) - so hell yeah, I wanted to make damn sure what I was getting into especially with a manipulative ex-wife in the background who also took out two loans in his name (that WE then had to pay for two years)

So yeah, I'm ok with it. Shame more people don't do the same before rushing to take out joint mortgages with people they don't really know.

I've mentioned this before on here but I also worked for a mortgage broker and one of our advisers had an appointment with a married couple. On the morning of the appointment, he got a call from the guy asking him to come a bit earlier as he wanted to talk to him without the wife there. It turned out the guy had a child conceived during a one night stand, who he'd never had any contact with, and it happened way before he'd even met his wife - but he'd never told her about it. The CSA were taking payment at source and he wanted to show our adviser his 'real' income before his wife got there. She'd never seen his payslips. Anyway, because of the CSA payments, their affordability was completely fucked and they couldn't get the mortgage they wanted.

So yeah, check it all people - credit reports, bank statements (the bank statements of gamblers are obvious and I've turned down people for mortgages based on it) payslips, the lot before you hitch your financial star to some loser!

 

[standupsitdown]

The more responsible one half of the partnership is, the more carefree the other half can be. I found that when I moved in with my partner, as I was the home owner. Luckily he’s open minded and understood my frustrations so now a lot of the utility bills are in his name and I feel that he’s pulling his weight. No room for passengers

We don’t have a joint account but only because we’ve never got round to it, and it’s definitely worth considering the legal and financial implications of a split. These things happen and IMO it’s silly to pretend they don’t.

 

[JoeBloggs]

My plans to not join us financially are directly related to the fact he's not 100% open with me. You won't convince me that I'm not being sensible here. Of course that's where I eventually want us to be. How do you suggest that I make that happen when I don't know where he's at?

No I agree that you are being sensible, but I do not think you are going about this in the right way. You need to understand you do not have a right to his financial situation/history, it is his business alone right now and if he does not want to disclose you cannot make him.

This is a bit of a catch 22, if he feels that you don't want to be connected to him financially why would he disclose anything to you and in that same sentiment, if he will not disclose why would you want to be joined. I totally get that but you need to sit down as two adults in a long term relationship and discuss the future and everything that comes with that. Explain to him how you see things going but why you are hesitant. If you are not on the same page, it is not a good basis for a relationship.

You begging him to disclose stuff he doesn't feel is your business will just make a bigger issue of it all and make him less likely to speak to you. Perhaps he does have a gambling issue or past debt, but he needs to feel you are there for him and understanding about his situation.

 

[Be More Pacific]

I think it’s weird that 4 years in and living together and you don’t know his finances. I couldn’t handle that.

I’d want and expect me and my partner to be 100% open with each other on this, how can you feel secure and plan a future with someone if you’re not? (assuming you’re planning a future).

Same. It IS fucking weird. And for charging him "rent". WTF? He contributes towards a joint household - calling it rent makes him sound like a lodger.

Then again, I'm firmly in the camp that couples who live together shouldn't have separate finances. I don't get it at all. But best not to get started on that again

I feel like this normal too ask this too but my partner says a women should never know

This has to be a wind up surely?!

 

[JoeBloggs]

If you haven’t put him on the mortgage, why should he pick up the bill for your home. He won’t get anything from it if you part so imo it’s your cost to bare. If you want to share, he needs to have rights to the house.

You are not married, you don’t own property or a loan together nor do you have a join account (I presume) therefore you are not legally joined financially and he has no need to disclose anything to you.

Why do you want to know? If he’s paying his ‘rent’ and any other agreed bills on time then it’s none of your business. If you are thinking of joining financially then it is, and I think you need to explain your concerns to him as his situation would then legally affect you.

Has he told you why he doesn’t want you to know? Some people just don’t like talking about money, my husband hates it and leaves all the finances to me. Trying to talk to him about money is hard!

 

[JoeBloggs]

@LadyB65 I only mentioned the mortgage because of the comment about him not paying for the costs of the home made earlier. Why should he cover these costs if he owns no part of it.

I think you need to sit down, perhaps things will come out neither of you want to hear but I think it is the only way forward. You both need to be open and honest about your future.