Being in a relationship with someone who has kids

[PartTimeNoseyWitch]

Yeah I did do a very poor job of explaining this from the replies. He’s not living in a drug house, he was living in a shared house in which people who also lived there smoked cannabis, he doesn’t live there anymore.

I just feel torn because I know the right thing to do is step up for the child but I am ultimately not responsible for enforcing that but at the same time I understand why he feels the way he does. I think a lot of people see having children differently to me so that’s why it’s coming across as a “red flag” because I believe there should be choice on both sides whether or not to be a parent, I would never force a man to be a part of a child’s life if I were to get pregnant because I think it’s unfair on everyone.

I don’t have any ill feeling towards the child at all and if I did then I certainly wouldn’t be feeling bad for the child or contemplating leaving my partner would I? I’d be stirring the pot trying to get him to have nothing to do with the child at all. *apologies for using “it” previously it wasn’t a reflection of anything it was simply so I’m not disclosing the sex of the child.

 

[PartTimeNoseyWitch]

Debated posting this for a long time, may get some stick but I can’t help how I feel.

When I first got with my partner he wasn’t seeing his 2 year old and had no plans to again. Basically he had a one night stand and she got pregnant (protection was used and at the time she said she didn’t want any more kids I’ve seen the evidence). He told her he didn’t want anything to do with her or the child when she said she was pregnant and she said that was fine, she wouldn’t ask for anything and would crack on herself, she didn’t even know his government name and they’d never even been on any kind of date. Anyways, when the kid was born she found his family through Facebook and told them, they then guilted him into doing a DNA (required because she has a reputation & has since year 9 at school) and started seeing the kid every week. She started getting arsey saying he needs to have the child every weekend overnight - bear in mind she knows he lives in a houseshare at this point with other men, there’s loads of stairs, drugs being consumed etc. and thinks it’s appropriate for a child to stay there . Anyways, he said no so she kicked off and said he couldn’t see the kid anymore, he wasn’t really bothered (as awful as it sounds) as he was only trying to please his family.

Fast forward a year, we get together, she’s in hiding because she got with a drug dealer whose threatening to kill her and out of the blue decides he can see the kid again. I did say when he first mentioned the whole situation (before I knew the calibre of woman he had impregnated) that he could bring the child to my house and see it there, I was quite on board with him being involved but he didn’t want to. He said he would see the child every couple of weeks and goes to the house to do so. She also went to Child Maintenance and put a claim in. He still goes now and my feelings about everything swings from one extreme to another.

I understand completely it’s not the child’s fault but at the same time I don’t want to get involved now. He’s said the house is a complete pigsty, the Mum is bordering junkie and the child isn’t thriving like they should be. It’s completely ridiculous to co-parent in this situation and I can’t see a way around it because he and her are on two totally different pages. I know exactly what type of parent I would be (or would try to be) and how much I would put into my kids and people like her make my blood boil. I sometimes think should he go to social services or try to get full custody but he doesn’t want to and again, neither do I. I do feel extremely sorry for the child but at the same time I’ve gone 31 years working my ass off to build a life suitable to bring a child into and I also had an abortion when my partner and I had been together 3 months because it wasn’t the right time, he was very supportive and left the decision completely to me. My partner is a good man and although some people would be repulsed by him not particularly wanting to be very hands on, I can only put myself in his shoes and actually, I would probably be the same if someone forced me into parenthood - especially someone who was a quick bang. It’s a completely non-comprehensible concept to me to have a child with someone you 1) do not know at all and 2) do not love.

I think about the future and the fact if me and my partner do decide to have children (which I do want eventually) and I can’t help but think how hard it will be if he is still involved with his kid and how unfair it seems for us to have kids and give them everything they need whilst there is one struggling in a real-life episode of Shameless. It’s gotten to the point where I’m considering leaving him because it makes me feel bad but I just don’t want to get involved because I know I’ll end up forking out, picking up pieces and if I wanted to do that I would have had my own. I don’t want to leave him, he’s my best friend and a brilliant partner but this just weighs heavy and it wasn’t here for the first year we were together. I’m certainly never going to try and get in the middle of anything and I wouldn’t even know what to say if I did decide to leave him because I don’t want to be a catalyst in him not seeing the child anymore. I’ve tried to encourage him to be more positive and offered to take the kid on days out with him but he just wants to do the bare minimum and nothing more, it’s almost like he wants the Mum to kick off so he doesn’t have to go anymore.

Has anyone been in a similar situation or has any words or encouragement or anything?

 

[PartTimeNoseyWitch]

i get that it isn’t your responsibility to make him step up for his child, and i appreciate that you’re in a difficult position there. however, i do think what other posters have said about your partner’s overall attitude to his child are valid. ultimately, your partner has a child who he is choosing to see and interact with, if in a very disinterested way. the impact that sort of indifference must be having on the child is huge, and it is worrying that (from what you say) your partner isn’t bothered about that or strengthening the relationship by taking the child out for the day etc or having you interact with them. the detail that you think your partner secretly hopes the mum kicks off so he doesn’t have to see the child anymore is completely lacking empathy on his part too.

i suppose again i would ask what about this situation makes you consider leaving your partner? is it just that the whole situation is getting too much? have you ever met the child? your partner’s nature towards them isn’t helping your feelings either as, by not having you meet and have days out, in makes the child the “other” person in your relationship rather than an active part of your family as they should be.

idk - your partner does not come out of this looking great, based on the info given. it also doesn’t sound like their attitude towards their child, which is causing you concern, is going to change. what you do with all of that is completely up to you.

Thank you. I think I feel like I’m just living in this whole weird limbo thing because no I’ve not met the child and I just think this is all a big mess. I think I need to try and speak to him again and see what is going on but I’m mindful of not being any kind of factor in making things worse. I also don’t think it helps he never had a relationship with his Dad and decided this at a very young age and doesn’t SEEM to be impacted by this. I also think I view having children as more of a decision than a natural thing because of my upbringing by dysfunctional parents so I get very annoyed when people bring kids into chaos. I think this is all something that needs some kind of professional help to resolve and I think for now I will put the brakes on things.
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Yes, well, it's happened now the child has been born and that's that. This problem isn't going away so you either accept this complicated and messy life with a woman that you very clearly strongly disapprove making intermittent appearances forever. Or you move on.

Also, people will always judge you for calling a child 'it', fyi, even if for the reason you say. It really does show your underlying feelings.

I understand what you’re saying and I get people have probably read what I’ve said and think look at this silly girl siding with her boyfriend, I’m not. There is mountains of context missing. I do disapprove of her, I disapprove of anyone bringing a child into the situation she has because she doesn’t look after the children she already had. I disapprove of people getting a bloody dog when they can’t look after them let alone a child!

It doesn’t show my underlying feelings? I’ve explained why I said it, nothing else implied.