Being in a relationship with someone who has kids

[saltandvinegarcrisps]

What makes you think he would treat any future kids you had any differently? He's living in a druggie party house? How is that any different to his baby's mum being shacked up with a dealer? He's no stable home for his child, can't be bothered to be a parent. Not interested in the child's wellbeing... kid probably wouldn't thrive any better with him. nah I would be out of there.

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

I wouldn’t be hanging around. I’d be well shot of him. The fact he doesn’t seem to really care about his child and can take or leave seeing said child is just massive red flags to me. He shouldn’t be thinking of having anymore kids anytime soon if he feels that way about the one he already has. I’d be away running for the hills, sounds far too much drama for me. I feel sorry for the child in all this

 

[Okgolightly]

Just want to echo what others have said here. The child is the one suffering because of the actions of BOTH their parents- including your partner. You do come across as disdainful of the child (I believe you refer to them as ‘it’ during part of your post which…yeah) so I can’t see what good it would do them you being in their life too if I’m honest. You seem to skate the mother but brush over your partner also living in a house with drugs present? You also seem accepting of the fact he isn’t arsed about his kid and only got involved because of family pressure which…I personally couldn’t be with someone that is old enough to make a child but not mature enough to deal with the consequences and step up. You say you want to have kids with him one day and that he’s a great partner…I’m sorry but that really doesn’t come across here. How do you know he will behave any differently with any future kids? I’d get out knowing I were you because currently none of the adults in that poor child’s life are helping them.

 

[Gentlemensrelish]

He sounds like a real catch.

Poor kid.

 

[LaBlonde]

there’s a lot to unpack here tbh and i apologise if i’ve misinterpreted or misjudged some of your meaning.

ultimately, like you say, this is not the child’s fault. it’s not their fault that they’re living in a episode of shameless, it’s not their fault that they’re the product of a “quick bang” (of which your partner was a willing participant) - your partner’s attitude towards this child, as you’ve described it, is incredibly poor tbh. he sounds just not bothered by the state their child is living in and is doing the absolute bare minimum. that’s his child! who is, from the sounds of it, in a fairly difficult and tumultuous home. the poor thing sounds like no one is really looking out for them.

that aside, i wonder what the true question is here in this post as while you’ve explained the situation very eloquently - you haven’t said what aspect exactly you want advice on. does his non-relationship with his child bother you? or is it the existence of the child themselves? when you say that you would feel unfair having a child with him while his other child is living an episode of shameless, is this because you wish that child wasn’t there, or that you’re secretly annoyed with your partner with not stepping up for this child? what is the dealbreaker that’s made you consider leaving him?

 

[Tommyb]

You have built your life up how you want it and you are completely justified to not want that to change. However, you need to raise your standards. When he told you he doesn't see his child willingly that should have been the moment you saw the red flag and said "nope,not good enough for for me".

I couldn't even look at man like that let alone be with him. How can he sleep at night knowing how his child is being kept?. With a druggie for a mum and a deadbeat dad that couldn't care less this poor child is being so let down.

Not your circus and not your monkeys. Save yourself and your future children. Men like him should not procreate. You deserve better x

 

[LaBlonde]

Yeah I did do a very poor job of explaining this from the replies. He’s not living in a drug house, he was living in a shared house in which people who also lived there smoked cannabis, he doesn’t live there anymore.

I just feel torn because I know the right thing to do is step up for the child but I am ultimately not responsible for enforcing that but at the same time I understand why he feels the way he does. I think a lot of people see having children differently to me so that’s why it’s coming across as a “red flag” because I believe there should be choice on both sides whether or not to be a parent, I would never force a man to be a part of a child’s life if I were to get pregnant because I think it’s unfair on everyone.

I don’t have any ill feeling towards the child at all and if I did then I certainly wouldn’t be feeling bad for the child or contemplating leaving my partner would I? I’d be stirring the pot trying to get him to have nothing to do with the child at all. *apologies for using “it” previously it wasn’t a reflection of anything it was simply so I’m not disclosing the sex of the child.

i get that it isn’t your responsibility to make him step up for his child, and i appreciate that you’re in a difficult position there. however, i do think what other posters have said about your partner’s overall attitude to his child are valid. ultimately, your partner has a child who he is choosing to see and interact with, if in a very disinterested way. the impact that sort of indifference must be having on the child is huge, and it is worrying that (from what you say) your partner isn’t bothered about that or strengthening the relationship by taking the child out for the day etc or having you interact with them. the detail that you think your partner secretly hopes the mum kicks off so he doesn’t have to see the child anymore is completely lacking empathy on his part too.

i suppose again i would ask what about this situation makes you consider leaving your partner? is it just that the whole situation is getting too much? have you ever met the child? your partner’s nature towards them isn’t helping your feelings either as, by not having you meet and have days out, in makes the child the “other” person in your relationship rather than an active part of your family as they should be.

idk - your partner does not come out of this looking great, based on the info given. it also doesn’t sound like their attitude towards their child, which is causing you concern, is going to change. what you do with all of that is completely up to you.

 

[Gentlemensrelish]

I think a lot of people see having children differently to me so that’s why it’s coming across as a “red flag” because I believe there should be choice on both sides whether or not to be a parent, I would never force a man to be a part of a child’s life if I were to get pregnant because I think it’s unfair on everyone

Yes, well, it's happened now the child has been born and that's that. This problem isn't going away so you either accept this complicated and messy life with a woman that you very clearly strongly disapprove making intermittent appearances forever. Or you move on.

Also, people will always judge you for calling a child 'it', fyi, even if for the reason you say. It really does show your underlying feelings.

 

[laughing]

Run! Too many red flags.

 

[Tunacanoe]

He clearly wants nothing to do with the child and would resent you if you did force him to take the child and you would end up doing all the work and resenting him and be much harder to walk away. Ive been a stepparent for a good few years now and the one thing Ive learned is you cant care more than the biological parents do.

 

[NorthernLight2022]

I hated children and never wanted children, had an abortion at a young age and always thought «ugh» with children.

After I got my own I genuinely got my world view turned up side down. I’m volunteering for children and try to make a difference. They’re so little, so innocent, so given to the chance of being born into a shit life or a loving life. The love a parent feels for their own kids, and recognizes in other children, is something special. It’s a gigantic red flag, no matter how unwanted a child is or crazy the mum is, if the father doesn’t connect to and feel at least some kind of empathy to his own flesh and bone. I just can’t fathom it, even just caring enough to get the child into another home would show normality.

 

[dot bold dot dot]

I wouldn't be surprised if he does the same when another child enters his life, regardless of the circumstances.

 

[Gentlemensrelish]

I’m 32 soon so really shouldn’t be wasting my time in this mess

That's the spirit.

I'm sorry, it's really tough. Sometimes the heart wants what the heart wants, but the heart is an absolute idiot.

You seem really switched on, you deserve better than all this mess.

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

Your boyfriend just sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do. I'd be showing him the door and that would be that. I know that's easier said than done but for me his whole attitude stinks and that isn't someone I'd be looking to build a future with. That poor child sounds like it has a dad who couldn't care less if said child existed and that's really sad to me, this is coming from someone who hasn't got kids and doesn't want any in the immediate future. If I were you I'd walk away. I really hope that child has at least got other loving family members around rather than the mum and dad who both seem useless.

 

[PartTimeNoseyWitch]

He clearly wants nothing to do with the child and would resent you if you did force him to take the child and you would end up doing all the work and resenting him and be much harder to walk away. Ive been a stepparent for a good few years now and the one thing Ive learned is you cant care more than the biological parents do.

This is why I’ve come to this point, I know I’ll end up doing everything and spoiling the child to try and make up for their parents and as bad as it makes me feel for choosing not to, I can’t save everyone and already do a lot for others.
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Your boyfriend just sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do. I'd be showing him the door and that would be that. I know that's easier said than done but for me his whole attitude stinks and that isn't someone I'd be looking to build a future with. That poor child sounds like it has a dad who couldn't care less if said child existed and that's really sad to me, this is coming from someone who hasn't got kids and doesn't want any in the immediate future. If I were you I'd walk away. I really hope that child has at least got other loving family members around rather than the mum and dad who both seem useless.

You’re right. I think after the initial disinterest he did kind of come round to seeing the child and being involved but not overnight due to living conditions etc. then when she said he can’t see the child anymore he was stubborn instead of taking her to court etc. and now I think he’s realised his lack of involvement means things are more difficult. When I have previously suggested taking the child out for days he says the child is very difficult and clingy to their Mum. I think I’m just going to dip out without making it about this because I don’t want to effect this situation anymore than it already is.

 

[Gentlemensrelish]

Thank you. I think I feel like I’m just living in this whole weird limbo thing because no I’ve not met the child and I just think this is all a big mess. I think I need to try and speak to him again and see what is going on but I’m mindful of not being any kind of factor in making things worse. I also don’t think it helps he never had a relationship with his Dad and decided this at a very young age and doesn’t SEEM to be impacted by this. I also think I view having children as more of a decision than a natural thing because of my upbringing by dysfunctional parents so I get very annoyed when people bring kids into chaos. I think this is all something that needs some kind of professional help to resolve and I think for now I will put the brakes on things.
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I understand what you’re saying and I get people have probably read what I’ve said and think look at this silly girl siding with her boyfriend, I’m not. There is mountains of context missing. I do disapprove of her, I disapprove of anyone bringing a child into the situation she has because she doesn’t look after the children she already had. I disapprove of people getting a bloody dog when they can’t look after them let alone a child!

It doesn’t show my underlying feelings? I’ve explained why I said it, nothing else implied.

I don't think you're a silly girl but I don't know what you want anyone to say. The child exists, the mum exists, that's that.

 

[PartTimeNoseyWitch]

Thanks for the comments. It’s certainly helped me decide what I’ve been thinking for a while. I can’t deal with all of this. I’ve tried so many times to get involved, buy gifts/clothes and been told not to. I’m 32 soon so really shouldn’t be wasting my time in this mess.
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I don't think you're a silly girl but I don't know what you want anyone to say. The child exists, the mum exists, that's that.

It was more to see if anyone else was in a situation where their partner or themselves had to co-parent in a situation where it’s very messed up - maybe how to deal with it and just some general advice on the situation. I think I got what I was looking for. I haven’t been able to speak to anyone about this in my personal life because I never really know what to say

 

[PartTimeNoseyWitch]

I wouldn't be surprised if he does the same when another child enters his life, regardless of the circumstances.

I have pondered this too. It’s not something I’m willing to risk either.

 

[PartTimeNoseyWitch]

That's the spirit.

I'm sorry, it's really tough. Sometimes the heart wants what the heart wants, but the heart is an absolute idiot.

You seem really switched on, you deserve better than all this mess.

You’re right I’m actually really upset with myself for thinking this was ever something that would sort itself out in the first place and wasting 3 years of my life! I thought at first he was just putting a front on because he was hurt and it would all come out in the wash but the wash isn’t washing and I just feel awful about it all. I tried to sort things but now I feel like I’ll have to make up for his lack if he did bring the child here and I’m not a horrible person but I have enough on my plate right now. Thank you.

 

[Jeronimo]

RUN- seriously just run.