Being in a relationship with someone who has kids

[PartTimeNoseyWitch]

Debated posting this for a long time, may get some stick but I can’t help how I feel.

When I first got with my partner he wasn’t seeing his 2 year old and had no plans to again. Basically he had a one night stand and she got pregnant (protection was used and at the time she said she didn’t want any more kids I’ve seen the evidence). He told her he didn’t want anything to do with her or the child when she said she was pregnant and she said that was fine, she wouldn’t ask for anything and would crack on herself, she didn’t even know his government name and they’d never even been on any kind of date. Anyways, when the kid was born she found his family through Facebook and told them, they then guilted him into doing a DNA (required because she has a reputation & has since year 9 at school) and started seeing the kid every week. She started getting arsey saying he needs to have the child every weekend overnight - bear in mind she knows he lives in a houseshare at this point with other men, there’s loads of stairs, drugs being consumed etc. and thinks it’s appropriate for a child to stay there . Anyways, he said no so she kicked off and said he couldn’t see the kid anymore, he wasn’t really bothered (as awful as it sounds) as he was only trying to please his family.

Fast forward a year, we get together, she’s in hiding because she got with a drug dealer whose threatening to kill her and out of the blue decides he can see the kid again. I did say when he first mentioned the whole situation (before I knew the calibre of woman he had impregnated) that he could bring the child to my house and see it there, I was quite on board with him being involved but he didn’t want to. He said he would see the child every couple of weeks and goes to the house to do so. She also went to Child Maintenance and put a claim in. He still goes now and my feelings about everything swings from one extreme to another.

I understand completely it’s not the child’s fault but at the same time I don’t want to get involved now. He’s said the house is a complete pigsty, the Mum is bordering junkie and the child isn’t thriving like they should be. It’s completely ridiculous to co-parent in this situation and I can’t see a way around it because he and her are on two totally different pages. I know exactly what type of parent I would be (or would try to be) and how much I would put into my kids and people like her make my blood boil. I sometimes think should he go to social services or try to get full custody but he doesn’t want to and again, neither do I. I do feel extremely sorry for the child but at the same time I’ve gone 31 years working my ass off to build a life suitable to bring a child into and I also had an abortion when my partner and I had been together 3 months because it wasn’t the right time, he was very supportive and left the decision completely to me. My partner is a good man and although some people would be repulsed by him not particularly wanting to be very hands on, I can only put myself in his shoes and actually, I would probably be the same if someone forced me into parenthood - especially someone who was a quick bang. It’s a completely non-comprehensible concept to me to have a child with someone you 1) do not know at all and 2) do not love.

I think about the future and the fact if me and my partner do decide to have children (which I do want eventually) and I can’t help but think how hard it will be if he is still involved with his kid and how unfair it seems for us to have kids and give them everything they need whilst there is one struggling in a real-life episode of Shameless. It’s gotten to the point where I’m considering leaving him because it makes me feel bad but I just don’t want to get involved because I know I’ll end up forking out, picking up pieces and if I wanted to do that I would have had my own. I don’t want to leave him, he’s my best friend and a brilliant partner but this just weighs heavy and it wasn’t here for the first year we were together. I’m certainly never going to try and get in the middle of anything and I wouldn’t even know what to say if I did decide to leave him because I don’t want to be a catalyst in him not seeing the child anymore. I’ve tried to encourage him to be more positive and offered to take the kid on days out with him but he just wants to do the bare minimum and nothing more, it’s almost like he wants the Mum to kick off so he doesn’t have to go anymore.

Has anyone been in a similar situation or has any words or encouragement or anything?

 

[LaBlonde]

there’s a lot to unpack here tbh and i apologise if i’ve misinterpreted or misjudged some of your meaning.

ultimately, like you say, this is not the child’s fault. it’s not their fault that they’re living in a episode of shameless, it’s not their fault that they’re the product of a “quick bang” (of which your partner was a willing participant) - your partner’s attitude towards this child, as you’ve described it, is incredibly poor tbh. he sounds just not bothered by the state their child is living in and is doing the absolute bare minimum. that’s his child! who is, from the sounds of it, in a fairly difficult and tumultuous home. the poor thing sounds like no one is really looking out for them.

that aside, i wonder what the true question is here in this post as while you’ve explained the situation very eloquently - you haven’t said what aspect exactly you want advice on. does his non-relationship with his child bother you? or is it the existence of the child themselves? when you say that you would feel unfair having a child with him while his other child is living an episode of shameless, is this because you wish that child wasn’t there, or that you’re secretly annoyed with your partner with not stepping up for this child? what is the dealbreaker that’s made you consider leaving him?

 

[laughing]

Run! Too many red flags.

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

I wouldn’t be hanging around. I’d be well shot of him. The fact he doesn’t seem to really care about his child and can take or leave seeing said child is just massive red flags to me. He shouldn’t be thinking of having anymore kids anytime soon if he feels that way about the one he already has. I’d be away running for the hills, sounds far too much drama for me. I feel sorry for the child in all this

 

[saltandvinegarcrisps]

What makes you think he would treat any future kids you had any differently? He's living in a druggie party house? How is that any different to his baby's mum being shacked up with a dealer? He's no stable home for his child, can't be bothered to be a parent. Not interested in the child's wellbeing... kid probably wouldn't thrive any better with him. nah I would be out of there.

 

[Gentlemensrelish]

He sounds like a real catch.

Poor kid.

 

[Okgolightly]

Just want to echo what others have said here. The child is the one suffering because of the actions of BOTH their parents- including your partner. You do come across as disdainful of the child (I believe you refer to them as ‘it’ during part of your post which…yeah) so I can’t see what good it would do them you being in their life too if I’m honest. You seem to skate the mother but brush over your partner also living in a house with drugs present? You also seem accepting of the fact he isn’t arsed about his kid and only got involved because of family pressure which…I personally couldn’t be with someone that is old enough to make a child but not mature enough to deal with the consequences and step up. You say you want to have kids with him one day and that he’s a great partner…I’m sorry but that really doesn’t come across here. How do you know he will behave any differently with any future kids? I’d get out knowing I were you because currently none of the adults in that poor child’s life are helping them.

 

[PartTimeNoseyWitch]

Yeah I did do a very poor job of explaining this from the replies. He’s not living in a drug house, he was living in a shared house in which people who also lived there smoked cannabis, he doesn’t live there anymore.

I just feel torn because I know the right thing to do is step up for the child but I am ultimately not responsible for enforcing that but at the same time I understand why he feels the way he does. I think a lot of people see having children differently to me so that’s why it’s coming across as a “red flag” because I believe there should be choice on both sides whether or not to be a parent, I would never force a man to be a part of a child’s life if I were to get pregnant because I think it’s unfair on everyone.

I don’t have any ill feeling towards the child at all and if I did then I certainly wouldn’t be feeling bad for the child or contemplating leaving my partner would I? I’d be stirring the pot trying to get him to have nothing to do with the child at all. *apologies for using “it” previously it wasn’t a reflection of anything it was simply so I’m not disclosing the sex of the child.

 

[LaBlonde]

Yeah I did do a very poor job of explaining this from the replies. He’s not living in a drug house, he was living in a shared house in which people who also lived there smoked cannabis, he doesn’t live there anymore.

I just feel torn because I know the right thing to do is step up for the child but I am ultimately not responsible for enforcing that but at the same time I understand why he feels the way he does. I think a lot of people see having children differently to me so that’s why it’s coming across as a “red flag” because I believe there should be choice on both sides whether or not to be a parent, I would never force a man to be a part of a child’s life if I were to get pregnant because I think it’s unfair on everyone.

I don’t have any ill feeling towards the child at all and if I did then I certainly wouldn’t be feeling bad for the child or contemplating leaving my partner would I? I’d be stirring the pot trying to get him to have nothing to do with the child at all. *apologies for using “it” previously it wasn’t a reflection of anything it was simply so I’m not disclosing the sex of the child.

i get that it isn’t your responsibility to make him step up for his child, and i appreciate that you’re in a difficult position there. however, i do think what other posters have said about your partner’s overall attitude to his child are valid. ultimately, your partner has a child who he is choosing to see and interact with, if in a very disinterested way. the impact that sort of indifference must be having on the child is huge, and it is worrying that (from what you say) your partner isn’t bothered about that or strengthening the relationship by taking the child out for the day etc or having you interact with them. the detail that you think your partner secretly hopes the mum kicks off so he doesn’t have to see the child anymore is completely lacking empathy on his part too.

i suppose again i would ask what about this situation makes you consider leaving your partner? is it just that the whole situation is getting too much? have you ever met the child? your partner’s nature towards them isn’t helping your feelings either as, by not having you meet and have days out, in makes the child the “other” person in your relationship rather than an active part of your family as they should be.

idk - your partner does not come out of this looking great, based on the info given. it also doesn’t sound like their attitude towards their child, which is causing you concern, is going to change. what you do with all of that is completely up to you.

 

[Gentlemensrelish]

I think a lot of people see having children differently to me so that’s why it’s coming across as a “red flag” because I believe there should be choice on both sides whether or not to be a parent, I would never force a man to be a part of a child’s life if I were to get pregnant because I think it’s unfair on everyone

Yes, well, it's happened now the child has been born and that's that. This problem isn't going away so you either accept this complicated and messy life with a woman that you very clearly strongly disapprove making intermittent appearances forever. Or you move on.

Also, people will always judge you for calling a child 'it', fyi, even if for the reason you say. It really does show your underlying feelings.

 

[Jeronimo]

RUN- seriously just run.

 

[PartTimeNoseyWitch]

i get that it isn’t your responsibility to make him step up for his child, and i appreciate that you’re in a difficult position there. however, i do think what other posters have said about your partner’s overall attitude to his child are valid. ultimately, your partner has a child who he is choosing to see and interact with, if in a very disinterested way. the impact that sort of indifference must be having on the child is huge, and it is worrying that (from what you say) your partner isn’t bothered about that or strengthening the relationship by taking the child out for the day etc or having you interact with them. the detail that you think your partner secretly hopes the mum kicks off so he doesn’t have to see the child anymore is completely lacking empathy on his part too.

i suppose again i would ask what about this situation makes you consider leaving your partner? is it just that the whole situation is getting too much? have you ever met the child? your partner’s nature towards them isn’t helping your feelings either as, by not having you meet and have days out, in makes the child the “other” person in your relationship rather than an active part of your family as they should be.

idk - your partner does not come out of this looking great, based on the info given. it also doesn’t sound like their attitude towards their child, which is causing you concern, is going to change. what you do with all of that is completely up to you.

Thank you. I think I feel like I’m just living in this whole weird limbo thing because no I’ve not met the child and I just think this is all a big mess. I think I need to try and speak to him again and see what is going on but I’m mindful of not being any kind of factor in making things worse. I also don’t think it helps he never had a relationship with his Dad and decided this at a very young age and doesn’t SEEM to be impacted by this. I also think I view having children as more of a decision than a natural thing because of my upbringing by dysfunctional parents so I get very annoyed when people bring kids into chaos. I think this is all something that needs some kind of professional help to resolve and I think for now I will put the brakes on things.
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Yes, well, it's happened now the child has been born and that's that. This problem isn't going away so you either accept this complicated and messy life with a woman that you very clearly strongly disapprove making intermittent appearances forever. Or you move on.

Also, people will always judge you for calling a child 'it', fyi, even if for the reason you say. It really does show your underlying feelings.

I understand what you’re saying and I get people have probably read what I’ve said and think look at this silly girl siding with her boyfriend, I’m not. There is mountains of context missing. I do disapprove of her, I disapprove of anyone bringing a child into the situation she has because she doesn’t look after the children she already had. I disapprove of people getting a bloody dog when they can’t look after them let alone a child!

It doesn’t show my underlying feelings? I’ve explained why I said it, nothing else implied.

 

[dot bold dot dot]

I wouldn't be surprised if he does the same when another child enters his life, regardless of the circumstances.

 

[PartTimeNoseyWitch]

I wouldn't be surprised if he does the same when another child enters his life, regardless of the circumstances.

I have pondered this too. It’s not something I’m willing to risk either.

 

[Gentlemensrelish]

Thank you. I think I feel like I’m just living in this whole weird limbo thing because no I’ve not met the child and I just think this is all a big mess. I think I need to try and speak to him again and see what is going on but I’m mindful of not being any kind of factor in making things worse. I also don’t think it helps he never had a relationship with his Dad and decided this at a very young age and doesn’t SEEM to be impacted by this. I also think I view having children as more of a decision than a natural thing because of my upbringing by dysfunctional parents so I get very annoyed when people bring kids into chaos. I think this is all something that needs some kind of professional help to resolve and I think for now I will put the brakes on things.
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I understand what you’re saying and I get people have probably read what I’ve said and think look at this silly girl siding with her boyfriend, I’m not. There is mountains of context missing. I do disapprove of her, I disapprove of anyone bringing a child into the situation she has because she doesn’t look after the children she already had. I disapprove of people getting a bloody dog when they can’t look after them let alone a child!

It doesn’t show my underlying feelings? I’ve explained why I said it, nothing else implied.

I don't think you're a silly girl but I don't know what you want anyone to say. The child exists, the mum exists, that's that.

 

[PartTimeNoseyWitch]

Thanks for the comments. It’s certainly helped me decide what I’ve been thinking for a while. I can’t deal with all of this. I’ve tried so many times to get involved, buy gifts/clothes and been told not to. I’m 32 soon so really shouldn’t be wasting my time in this mess.
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I don't think you're a silly girl but I don't know what you want anyone to say. The child exists, the mum exists, that's that.

It was more to see if anyone else was in a situation where their partner or themselves had to co-parent in a situation where it’s very messed up - maybe how to deal with it and just some general advice on the situation. I think I got what I was looking for. I haven’t been able to speak to anyone about this in my personal life because I never really know what to say

 

[Gentlemensrelish]

I’m 32 soon so really shouldn’t be wasting my time in this mess

That's the spirit.

I'm sorry, it's really tough. Sometimes the heart wants what the heart wants, but the heart is an absolute idiot.

You seem really switched on, you deserve better than all this mess.

 

[PartTimeNoseyWitch]

That's the spirit.

I'm sorry, it's really tough. Sometimes the heart wants what the heart wants, but the heart is an absolute idiot.

You seem really switched on, you deserve better than all this mess.

You’re right I’m actually really upset with myself for thinking this was ever something that would sort itself out in the first place and wasting 3 years of my life! I thought at first he was just putting a front on because he was hurt and it would all come out in the wash but the wash isn’t washing and I just feel awful about it all. I tried to sort things but now I feel like I’ll have to make up for his lack if he did bring the child here and I’m not a horrible person but I have enough on my plate right now. Thank you.

 

[Tommyb]

You have built your life up how you want it and you are completely justified to not want that to change. However, you need to raise your standards. When he told you he doesn't see his child willingly that should have been the moment you saw the red flag and said "nope,not good enough for for me".

I couldn't even look at man like that let alone be with him. How can he sleep at night knowing how his child is being kept?. With a druggie for a mum and a deadbeat dad that couldn't care less this poor child is being so let down.

Not your circus and not your monkeys. Save yourself and your future children. Men like him should not procreate. You deserve better x

 

[NorthernLight2022]

I hated children and never wanted children, had an abortion at a young age and always thought «ugh» with children.

After I got my own I genuinely got my world view turned up side down. I’m volunteering for children and try to make a difference. They’re so little, so innocent, so given to the chance of being born into a tit life or a loving life. The love a parent feels for their own kids, and recognizes in other children, is something special. It’s a gigantic red flag, no matter how unwanted a child is or crazy the mum is, if the father doesn’t connect to and feel at least some kind of empathy to his own flesh and bone. I just can’t fathom it, even just caring enough to get the child into another home would show normality.