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BettyCrockerr
VIP Member
Honestly this is like talking to a brick wall I fear - anything we say is just going to be met with another round of excuses and chat about the ex….
Raquel190988
Member
I'm a bit concerned that his working away isn't working away at all, is there any evidence to suggest he has a bit on the side? Or maybe OP is the bit on the side? It might explain his reluctance to want to go out to nice places with OP? Or he could simply be thinking more about himself and his career and a relationship just isn't his main priority. For some people they don't feel that a relationship is that important in life and would rather put there focus elsewhere. If that is the case then I would consider the relationship as a whole and whether it's worth being in it.
If you don't want to postpone the trip I would just cut it a day short and compromise, it's not too bad since it's not smack bang in the middle of the trip and it would make both parties fairly happy. Not the most ideal situation but it could be worse
If you don't want to postpone the trip I would just cut it a day short and compromise, it's not too bad since it's not smack bang in the middle of the trip and it would make both parties fairly happy. Not the most ideal situation but it could be worse
BettyCrockerr
VIP Member
Probably can’t go on dates or out for dinner yet mate - yknow, because of the EX. Have to wait until January that!
Keikochan
VIP Member
I don't think you're being unreasonable. This along with the other examples you have given (him cxl dinner out to watch F1...etc) just seems to paint a picture that he doesn't give a shit & is very good at turning it back onto you to make you seem like the bad one. I think it might be gaslighting.
I suggest you tell him to enjoy his conference and cxl the holiday. You are right that you would feel guilty if you both went now. He would def make you feel miserable about it and you just wouldn't enjoy it.
Make sure to not give him any type of "attitude" about this though & try be genuine with support about the conference. I say this just so he can't make it into anything to complain about.
I don't care what age you are, if you want to have a nice birthday then you should have a nice birthday. I think you should book some beauty treatments & get pampered. Spoil yourself! You deserve a treat & you don't need to be relying on him to treat you to something nice. Don't even tell him about these plans unless he actually asks about what you plan instead for your birthday. You just go & enjoy yourself.
Tbh he doesn't sound like caring partner. If it were just this conference opportunity that had come up then that would be fine. It also grand if he super into his job, it's fantastic infact. However him doing work while out on dates with you isn't cool. He messed up by getting the date/time of the F1 wrong, what would he do if he had messed up a work situation like that, would he tell the job/client oh I have to not do what we planned bc I got the timing of X wrong & I wanna to it instead?!?! I very much doubt it. Just cause he cares about his job doesn't mean he can care less about his partner, it should be equal levels.
I fear the others are right & he doesn't care about you & is trying to get you to end things so he doesn't have to. Maybe I'm petty but I think if this is the case then he should stop being a pussy and stop messing you about. You deserve somebody who actually makes time for you.
I suggest you tell him to enjoy his conference and cxl the holiday. You are right that you would feel guilty if you both went now. He would def make you feel miserable about it and you just wouldn't enjoy it.
Make sure to not give him any type of "attitude" about this though & try be genuine with support about the conference. I say this just so he can't make it into anything to complain about.
I don't care what age you are, if you want to have a nice birthday then you should have a nice birthday. I think you should book some beauty treatments & get pampered. Spoil yourself! You deserve a treat & you don't need to be relying on him to treat you to something nice. Don't even tell him about these plans unless he actually asks about what you plan instead for your birthday. You just go & enjoy yourself.
Tbh he doesn't sound like caring partner. If it were just this conference opportunity that had come up then that would be fine. It also grand if he super into his job, it's fantastic infact. However him doing work while out on dates with you isn't cool. He messed up by getting the date/time of the F1 wrong, what would he do if he had messed up a work situation like that, would he tell the job/client oh I have to not do what we planned bc I got the timing of X wrong & I wanna to it instead?!?! I very much doubt it. Just cause he cares about his job doesn't mean he can care less about his partner, it should be equal levels.
I fear the others are right & he doesn't care about you & is trying to get you to end things so he doesn't have to. Maybe I'm petty but I think if this is the case then he should stop being a pussy and stop messing you about. You deserve somebody who actually makes time for you.
Sir John Elton
VIP Member
I agree with this , compromiseSome of these replies are a bit Mumsnet
It’s understandable that you would be a bit disappointed but it’s not the end of the world. His career is important to him, and he can make it up to you some other time. If you have a future together his career is important to you too.
If he misses this opportunity to attend your birthday stuff he might be present physically but won’t really want to be there.
You’re grown now, shit happens, be supportive and understanding and it will pay dividends. IMO.
Long distance relationships are difficult, and I think some of the other examples you’ve mentioned are symptomatic of that, especially if you’re both busy hardworking people.
If you have two young children I can understand why you need to be made to feel special and feel down if you don’t
I would support his career efforts but say ‘I want you prepared for Switzerland so that means no work emails whilst we’re away, at all! I will hide your phone if I need to so we can enjoy this time together and not think about anything else’. Both parties win then.
Hopefully you enjoy your break
JellyDonut
VIP Member
He doesn’t come to mine as I feel funny about him coming to my house when it’s still half my ex’s. So I drive to his. Hence me being worried about the cost of fuel. That’s not something he needs to worry about it’s something for me.
JellyDonut
VIP Member
No, we have. It’s just when we do see each other it’s several days at a time because of the distance.
BettyCrockerr
VIP Member
Maybe ask admin to close the thread then yeah?
Caffeine Fiend
VIP Member
The birthday trip away isnt a big deal if he could fly out first thing Mon morning.
Sitting reading work emails in a nice restaurant when you get v little time together, not ok imo.
Myself and my OH work hard at work. Id be pretty miffed after 13 years together if he pulled his work emails out on what is essentially a date. So if thats the type of person he is, it'd be a deal breaker for me. Wait til you get home
Sitting reading work emails in a nice restaurant when you get v little time together, not ok imo.
Myself and my OH work hard at work. Id be pretty miffed after 13 years together if he pulled his work emails out on what is essentially a date. So if thats the type of person he is, it'd be a deal breaker for me. Wait til you get home
BettyCrockerr
VIP Member
You EX sure has an awful lot of influence in your life….!
Inforapenny
Chatty Member
Personally my career comes first and I would always let my husband put his career first as we can rearrange.
But I think the work/Switzerland trip is a read herring.
It sounds like deep deep down you know he's not putting you first and you don't feel happy in your relationship
But I think the work/Switzerland trip is a read herring.
It sounds like deep deep down you know he's not putting you first and you don't feel happy in your relationship
PinkandTwinkly
VIP Member
Me, I'd probably sulk a bit that plans changed but would understand how important the conference is for him and wouldn't dream of expecting him not to go (I'd just ask for a massive Toblerone or something)
But I'm the same as him, in the fact that I do really thing birthday's are a special thing when you're an adult. After you've had twenty odd they don't mean anything.
Reading replies tho it sounds more like its about more than this weekend, everything he does seems to annoy you/you have different priorities.
An hour and half isn't far apart really - can you really not fit enough chance to see each other in for two months? (after Christmas?)
But I'm the same as him, in the fact that I do really thing birthday's are a special thing when you're an adult. After you've had twenty odd they don't mean anything.
Reading replies tho it sounds more like its about more than this weekend, everything he does seems to annoy you/you have different priorities.
An hour and half isn't far apart really - can you really not fit enough chance to see each other in for two months? (after Christmas?)
BettyCrockerr
VIP Member
Your only 90 minutes from eachother right? It’s not like your living in different time zones
You’re not being unreasonable in your reaction in my opinion but I don’t think stopping him going is the answer. Relationships can’t survive if you resent each other- tricky as you’d resent him if he went and he’d resent you if you were the reason he missed the work trip.
I think I’d tell him to go on the work trip but then expect him to show a massive effort at another time.
I think I’d tell him to go on the work trip but then expect him to show a massive effort at another time.
BettyCrockerr
VIP Member
Oh god. So reading between the lines, youve not really physically seen much of eachother the entire time you’ve been “dating”
BettyCrockerr
VIP Member
hereforthememe
Chatty Member
Curious, when you do actually go on dates, who pays? Does he at least treat you to dinner or drinks?