Argument with boyfriend- advice needed please

[JellyDonut]

There isn’t anything for partners at the conference. Also it’s not an option for me to go to Switzerland with him as I can’t afford it.

When he told me about it, he wasn’t unsure of going because of my birthday. He was unsure of going because there would be people there he wouldn’t know and he was nervous about the social aspect of it. He didn’t consider me at all in the situation.

 

[Raininvain]

I think OPs main problem is that shes just a shag, this man isn't in a relationship with her. I bet you anything that when he wouldn't go out and wanted to watch F1 instead he still had time for a shag later on? You say He’s making me out to feel like I’m crazy and unreasonable and I don’t know what to think. That sounds like gaslighting to me.
I think you are being used OP. If you stopped shagging him and say needed some real support with something I bet you wouldn't see him for dust. Never mind the weekend away. He is not a partner.

 

[Elles20]

It sounds like a great opportunity for him and I would tell him to go. You have a right to be upset because you were looking forward to it so much, but some things are more important than a birthday. Try to rearrange the trip if you can. It'll be more enjoyable when you are both focused on just the trip.

 

[Raininvain]

Anywa

sure, but it’s the cost of the fuel to take into account and also working around the kids. Anyway, the issue has been resolved

Cost of fuel? for someone who was so progressed in their career that they were considering going to Switzerland for a work conference? For you yes,a single parent etc but for him? C'mon, hes having you on.
Sorry I think you are still wasting your time and he knows you will put up with it. I don t know any woman who would sit there and watch F1 after being blown off for a date. They would all just leave and do something better instead.He sounds really ignorant.

 

[standupsitdown]

Some of these replies are a bit Mumsnet

It’s understandable that you would be a bit disappointed but it’s not the end of the world. His career is important to him, and he can make it up to you some other time. If you have a future together his career is important to you too.
If he misses this opportunity to attend your birthday stuff he might be present physically but won’t really want to be there.
You’re grown now, shit happens, be supportive and understanding and it will pay dividends. IMO.
Long distance relationships are difficult, and I think some of the other examples you’ve mentioned are symptomatic of that, especially if you’re both busy hardworking people.
If you have two young children I can understand why you need to be made to feel special and feel down if you don’t

 

[candyland_]

How often do you see each other?? Is it every few days? Or once a week? Longer?

ETA: just read all the other replies.

This guy isn’t really your boyfriend. Sorry but he’s not. You hardly see each other which in itself seems bogus, then when you do see him he’s making ridiculous excuses not to go out and do things with you and now he’s ditched you & your birthday plans for work. This isn’t a relationship. He’s just a guy you see - presumably for sex? - once in a while. At best, he’s a fuck buddy. But he’s not an actual boyfriend.

You can’t tell someone her boyfriend isn’t her boyfriend He obviously is they just don’t have a ‘regular/stereotypical’ relationship.

His priorities are off though.

 

[Lulu Goss]

I forgot! Sorry!

the weekend was honestly amazing and we had a brilliant time, even booked another trip away together for after Xmas. I also met his family for the first time

Not sure why you got a laughing reaction to this - it’s nice to hear it all went well

 

[Raquel190988]

@JellyDonut I respect you for you decision to not introduce him to your children too soon. I think it's a good way of going about things, especially if you are still sorting things out with your ex. I think you should introduce them whenever you feel ready and think they are ready too, even if you end up at the 3 year mark at that point. You can't rush those things . Since the pandemic took up most of your relationship I would agree that you can necessarily compare it to others that have had normal years to progress.

Best of luck! Hope everything from here is smooth sailing

 

[candyland_]

Am I missing something? Wouldn’t Thursday to Sunday morning be long enough for you to enjoy your birthday? :-S

He’s arranged it all and is career oriented. Are you not? You seem to be a bit.. off about it. Why don’t you see him that much?

 

[candyland_]

It’s only one day early. Not a big deal.

You are overreacting imo. You’ve still got plenty of time to enjoy your break away but it sounds like there are bigger issues here.

 

[Shutterbug99]

It seems to me that the problem here is that you're not his first priority - his work is and he puts that first. You just have to decide if you're OK with him always putting his work first, working when you're away on holiday etc. as the likelihood is that he won't change. Maybe you are just not suited in this respect. Is your relationship good otherwise? If it is then maybe you can talk about this and reach a compromise. However, since he also puts F1 above a night out with you (?!) it looks to me like you're a bit down the pecking order when it comes to his priorities. He sounds a bit selfish. I would not be impressed if I had a night out planned and my partner made a fuss about staying in to watch F1 (which he can easily record and watch later!)

Something is amiss!

 

[BettyCrockerr]

You can’t tell someone her boyfriend isn’t her boyfriend He obviously is they just don’t have a ‘regular/stereotypical’ relationship.

His priorities are off though.

Well, I can. Based on what she has shared, they don’t have much of a relationship at all. They hardly see one another - why? And then when they do, he’s making up some lame excuse about wanting to
Stay in to watch TV - why? Or was it that in reality, he simply wanted to stay in, put minimal effort into it, get a shag and away he goes until the next meeting a week or so later? And now he’s decided that he can’t be arsed spending time with her for her birthday and he would actually prefer to
Go alone to a work conference……. Hmmmmmm….. nah sorry but this stinks and you can smell it a mile off.

 

[cherryshade123]

Thank you. I think it’s because someone left a sarky comment in response to it and either they deleted it or mods deleted it - not sure

I literally just read this whole thread rn, and am glad you had a good time together! Don't know why some people were getting so nasty/rude, was a bit weird to see but just ignore them. Hope everything works out nicely with your other half and have a great Christmas!

 

[JellyDonut]

Can someone tell me if I am being unreasonable here.

It’s my birthday in 2 weeks, and since August my boyfriend and I have had a long weekend city break away booked (Thursday-Monday). We’ve made plans as to what we’re doing on each of the days and I was really excited for it. (It might be worth mentioning my boyfriend and I don’t live together and don’t get to see each other on a regular basis). We have been together for 2 years.

Yesterday my boyfriend told me that his manager has asked him to attend a conference in Switzerland which would overlap with our weekend away. He would have to leave on the Sunday as it starts on the Monday. He said he was considering going but hadn’t fully made up his mind and wanted to talk to me about it. His reasons for wanting to go are that it would be good for him to be mixing with the senior people in the business and would be good exposure for him and he would learn things at the conference, etc. Which I do understand. But I explained very clearly I was unhappy with the fact it would overlap on our weekend away and that it was my birthday and I felt a bit hurt he was even considering it, especially as we don’t get a huge amount of time together as it is. And he said that I’m being selfish and childish making it all about me and that I’m in my 30’s and I shouldn’t be so fussed about a birthday. Also that he is the one who booked the air b’n’b and would be doing the driving and that he has planned what restaurants, etc we would be going to so I have no right to be annoyed with him, and that in actual fact he should be annoyed with me because I’ve not done anything at all to prepare for this trip (but I’ve always made it clear I was really excited to go and that I’ve been really looking forward to it and have always shown appreciation for him arranging things when he has told me he’s booked a restaurant or an activity).

He said he could maybe fly out first thing on Monday morning as opposed to flying on Sunday, but even then I just know the fact he’s going to this conference will overshadow the entire weekend away. He will definitely be doing a lot of prep work for it because that’s just what’s he’s like. When we went abroad in the summer together we were in a lovely restaurant with gorgeous surroundings and he was sat there oblivious responding to work emails on his phone and complaining about work related matters. We took a trip to the coast earlier in the year and he bought his laptop with him and was doing bits of work during the evening (despite him promising me he wouldn’t).

He’s making me out to feel like I’m crazy and unreasonable and I don’t know what to think. I know his job is important to him and I know what it entails (we work at the same company but different departments). But equally I don’t think it’s outrageous of me to expect my boyfriend to actually make the most of the time off we have together, especially when it’s my birthday.

 

[Cloak]

I understand the OP’s point of view completely regarding the petrol money… to me it would feel a bit cringe to accept cash for fuel, I imagine when she’s at his she uses his shower gel, coffee, food and electricity, should he be billing for that?

 

[JellyDonut]

Not sure why you got a laughing reaction to this - it’s nice to hear it all went well

Thank you. I think it’s because someone left a sarky comment in response to it and either they deleted it or mods deleted it - not sure

 

[Marcinabolan]

I agree he’s not factoring your feelings at all, and it’s not the first time!! Get rid, you’re worth more x

 

[queenamber]

Sorry to be nosy but can I ask why you don't live together after 2 years? That's a pretty significant amount of time yet from what you're saying he's treating you like you're still in a new relationship. [Edit to add - I've just seen your posts mentioning your children from a previous relationship and living 1.5 hours apart - so maybe it's time to ask yourself where this relationship is going? This doesn't seem very sustainable long term, IMHO.]

I don't care whether you're 6 or 60 - a birthday is a birthday and if you want to make a fuss to celebrate it, you absolutely should.

Having said that, this isn't the end of the world. I'm sure you can have a weekend away whenever and it sounds like this conference might be a one-time thing which is important for his career and/or networking. You can't hold him back from that otherwise it's just going to breed resentment. Unfortunately this is life and long-term relationships require some compromises (no excuse for him calling you crazy, though!). Let him go, reschedule the trip, and see if he tries to make it up to you. If it starts becoming a regular pattern of behaviour, then you'll know you have to move on.

 

[hereforthememe]

So its you doing all the running then?.If he was that bothered about seeing you, then he would give you money for petrol if that was the issue. It sound like you are making excuses for him. I still think you are wasting your time with him.

My boyfriend does all the travelling to mine so I balance that out in other ways... I swear some people don't know what a healthy relationship is and it makes me sad

 

[Giggling Squid]

I’d have been out of there when he binned off date night to watch cars drive round in circles