Am I being unreasonable?(advice on bfs family)

[Upintheair83]

So this is abit of a weird one- Iv been with my boyfriend for 4 years now. (Let’s call him Josh. )We bought a house together 2 years ago and are very happy. When we got together my boyfriend actually had a gf. She was/ is Brazilian, let’s call her Sophia, and they met when he was over there. They did however only see each other for about once a year, for about 2 weeks at a time when he went over there on holiday to see her (as she lives in Brazil)and she could never get over here Due to money and visa issues. I am by no means playing down this relationship, I understand full well the intense feeling long distance relationships can have. I myself had one just before I met Josh.
When Josh realised he had strong feelings for me he did tell her and broke off the relationship- what entailed for a good year and a half later was an intense bullying campaign towards me over social media from her. She would send me awful messages saying how ugly I was, how no one can compare to her beauty etc. She would send me old texts, photos of cards, letters written by Josh to her, she would post countless photos of her and Josh on her social media account. When I blocked her she would only set up another one and send me more abuse. I was clever enough to screenshot all the abuse and show Josh, I also showed him the things I sent her. I even told her once that she was so beautiful and that Josh did love her once but being realistic he would have more of a chance with me as we live in the same country. And I wished her well.
How I wish I didn’t!
Anyway fast forward to now- the problem I have is that his grandma has always remained friends with Sofia on social media. Even despite his mums pleas to not be. Over the years they have corresponded and his nan often makes comments like ‘how beautiful’ ‘stunning’ etc on her photos/ posts. I got used to that and accepted that I can’t make anyone not be friends with someone. It’s their choice and obv his nan thinks she is beautiful beyond belief (which she is) .
Where I am really struggling is that recently his nan has commented again on Sofia’s post saying how beautiful she is and also saying ‘I love you’
Now for me, that has really upset me. Because his nan has made no effort to get to know me, I went round their house once and I dont think she said more than two words to me- which was hi and goodbye. It was my first time at their house and Josh’s family are huge! I felt so shy and they were all speaking a diff language to me and I felt abit out of my depth, so maybe I didn’t say much either. However I found out later that Sophia was ringing his nan while I was there! So Sophia must have known I was going there somehow that day and was trying to make me feel uncomfortable.
When we bought our house his nan never sent us a new home card. The Xmas cards are all to ‘our grandson’ and last year she bought me an Xmas present which was a Tuppa ware box. I did actually send a thank you card for the present which never met with an acknowledgment of the said card. So I just feel she’s never made me welcome, she makes feel like she thinks Sofia was more beautiful and the only one perfect for her grandson. But I don’t know what Iv done wrong! I’m sure she has no idea how horrible Sofia has been to me over the years. Even now she STILL posts things about her and Josh on Instagram, it’s embarrassing. I truly believe she is unhinged because she can’t let go and I do feel by her nan posting I love yous on SM is making her worse!
Although I do find it strange that Sofia and his nan had never even met! I would understand more if she had been in Josh’s life and they had shared Christmas’s and family time together and been close, but this relationship is purely over facebook, I get upset because all of Josh’s family and friends can see what she’s commenting on Sofia’s posts and it makes me feel like a fool. Like I’m not good enough. I know I’m no where near a beautiful as Sofia and I never will be, but I’m a good girlfriend to Josh, I love him so much and we get on so well. We are trying for a baby and are happy, why does she think I’m not good enough? And why is Sofia so amazing!? Am I being too sensitive?
Am I being unreasonable thinking these things and getting upset? I just wanted Josh’s nan to like me. Any words of advice or perspective on this will really help me

 

[SqualorVictoria]

I feel for you OP.

First of all, I wouldn't get so hung up on how beautiful she is- your post mentions that a lot. Your boyfriend obviously thinks you're beautiful too or else he wouldn't be with you. And given her campaign of harassment she sounds far from a beautiful person on the inside. Long distance hardly ever works if there's no end goal and she really should have moved on by now.

What does your boyfriend think of this? Has he spoken to his grandmother?

 

[Appanappa]

Completely agree with the above post, he wouldn’t be with you if he didn’t like you! Beauty isn’t everything, I’m sure he can see what a cow she is now

have you spoken to him, particularly about his grandmother? I guess there’s only so much he and you can do about the ex, keep accounts private, block her etc, she’ll have to get bored eventually? Or meet someone else?
but maybe he needs to just tell his grandma to tone it down, ask her to unfriend the ex especially if it makes you uncomfortable as a couple.
Just remember you’ve done all you can! By the sounds of it you’re a gorgeous lady with a kind heart, his family WILL see it, especially if you treat him with as much grace as the rest of the family.

you’re definitely not being unreasonable, but I would air it with him, ask him to see your side of it all, because he just might not be understanding it in the way you are?
sending love

 

[Upintheair83]

I feel for you OP.

First of all, I wouldn't get so hung up on how beautiful she is- your post mentions that a lot. Your boyfriend obviously thinks you're beautiful too or else he wouldn't be with you. And given her campaign of harassment she sounds far from a beautiful person on the inside. Long distance hardly ever works if there's no end goal and she really should have moved on by now.

What does your boyfriend think of this? Has he spoken to his grandmother?

Thanks so much for your words and Taking the time to reply and read my post.
At first Josh wasn’t the best at sticking up for me when she was starting off her bullying, but I think that’s because he still had feelings for her maybe? When he saw how ridiculous she was he then stepped in and told her to back off and cut her off completely.i always understood she was hurt at first and I almost understood why she was aiming such venom at me, but when it persisted it got me down. All I had done was fall in love. As I had been hurt before by my LDR.
She is extremely beautiful and I admit that, prob one of the most stunning girls I have seen and I suppose maybe I’m a little bit jealous? But I just wish his nan would see past this also and give me a chance. I hate that his family see what she writes to Sofia as I feel it’s disrespectful now, 4 years on. When Josh saw what she was saying this last time he rang his mum to have a word with her. I don’t know what has been said because I darent ask. I don’t want to cause trouble as I really like his mum, and it is her mother after all. But I feel so hurt. Xx

 

[SqualorVictoria]

Thanks so much for your words and Taking the time to reply and read my post.
At first Josh wasn’t the best at sticking up for me when she was starting off her bullying, but I think that’s because he still had feelings for her maybe? When he saw how ridiculous she was he then stepped in and told her to back off and cut her off completely.i always understood she was hurt at first and I almost understood why she was aiming such venom at me, but when it persisted it got me down. All I had done was fall in love. As I had been hurt before by my LDR.
She is extremely beautiful and I admit that, prob one of the most stunning girls I have seen and I suppose maybe I’m a little bit jealous? But I just wish his nan would see past this also and give me a chance. I hate that his family see what she writes to Sofia as I feel it’s disrespectful now, 4 years on. When Josh saw what she was saying this last time he rang his mum to have a word with her. I don’t know what has been said because I darent ask. I don’t want to cause trouble as I really like his mum, and it is her mother after all. But I feel so hurt. Xx

I guess Josh may have felt bad in the beginning, not because he still had feelings for her, but maybe just out of guilt it ended. Those guilty feelings should have long subsided by now.

Personally I think you have been more than patient and understanding but now it's time to tell Josh that this behaviour is making you extremely uncomfortable. The change won't come from you, it's his family and he needs to be the one to stand up to them. I'll give Josh the benefit of the doubt and assume he doesn't know how much this hurts you. So tell him, in a calm and reasoned way. That's my take on it

 

[Upintheair83]

Completely agree with the above post, he wouldn’t be with you if he didn’t like you! Beauty isn’t everything, I’m sure he can see what a cow she is now

have you spoken to him, particularly about his grandmother? I guess there’s only so much he and you can do about the ex, keep accounts private, block her etc, she’ll have to get bored eventually? Or meet someone else?
but maybe he needs to just tell his grandma to tone it down, ask her to unfriend the ex especially if it makes you uncomfortable as a couple.
Just remember you’ve done all you can! By the sounds of it you’re a gorgeous lady with a kind heart, his family WILL see it, especially if you treat him with as much grace as the rest of the family.

you’re definitely not being unreasonable, but I would air it with him, ask him to see your side of it all, because he just might not be understanding it in the way you are?
sending love

Thank you for your lovely words, yes Josh sees what she’s like and I think he feels he’s had a lucky escape because she’s very obsessed still. I did tell him how I felt about what she was posting and I said to him I can’t stop his nan being friends with Sophia but maybe don’t do it so public. His nan has chosen her side I feel, and that’s with Sophia. But I do get embarrassed to think all his friends see it, his brother etc. What must they think?what does his nan think if Josh were to see what she writes to her? It’s seem disrespectful to me, I mean tomorrow I could find out I’m the mother to his child and she’s still ignoring me. I feel I have had zero respect.
My mum think Josh should talk directly to his nan, Iv thought about this but I’m worried I would be causing trouble? Xx

 

[Danni_louu]

I think josh should talk directly to his nan hun. It’s not fair on the both of you

 

[Appanappa]

Thank you for your lovely words, yes Josh sees what she’s like and I think he feels he’s had a lucky escape because she’s very obsessed still. I did tell him how I felt about what she was posting and I said to him I can’t stop his nan being friends with Sophia but maybe don’t do it so public. His nan has chosen her side I feel, and that’s with Sophia. But I do get embarrassed to think all his friends see it, his brother etc. What must they think?what does his nan think if Josh were to see what she writes to her? It’s seem disrespectful to me, I mean tomorrow I could find out I’m the mother to his child and she’s still ignoring me. I feel I have had zero respect.
My mum think Josh should talk directly to his nan, Iv thought about this but I’m worried I would be causing trouble? Xx

Don’t worry about what other people think! Her actions reflect on her, not on you. I can’t speak for everyone but I make judgments on family members new partners etc by how they are to me (obviously if they’re a twit to family it impacts on my judgement, but you get my gist) I honestly don’t think his brother or friends etc can think badly of you because of it? If you’re kind to them , I don’t think his man being obsessed over an ex will change how they see you? If that makes sense?

personally if I was in your position, I would like him to have a word, even just ‘nan she’s an ex, please have some respect for my partner of 4 years whom I live with’.
but not everyone is confrontational, and I completely understand not wanting to cause a rift, it’s such a tricky situation.
You can only be you, and do what you think is right, and if that’s not enough for some people, then don’t worry about pandering to them. Hopefully he can see how it makes you feel, and can have a word, or even better his nan just deletes her
I’d hope his ex would get bored of having a relationship with her aswell? Seemingly she has nothing to gain, his in a solid relationship surely she must see that by now, his nan is not going to reconnect them?

 

[Upintheair83]

Don’t worry about what other people think! Her actions reflect on her, not on you. I can’t speak for everyone but I make judgments on family members new partners etc by how they are to me (obviously if they’re a twit to family it impacts on my judgement, but you get my gist) I honestly don’t think his brother or friends etc can think badly of you because of it? If you’re kind to them , I don’t think his man being obsessed over an ex will change how they see you? If that makes sense?

personally if I was in your position, I would like him to have a word, even just ‘nan she’s an ex, please have some respect for my partner of 4 years whom I live with’.
but not everyone is confrontational, and I completely understand not wanting to cause a rift, it’s such a tricky situation.
You can only be you, and do what you think is right, and if that’s not enough for some people, then don’t worry about pandering to them. Hopefully he can see how it makes you feel, and can have a word, or even better his nan just deletes her
I’d hope his ex would get bored of having a relationship with her aswell? Seemingly she has nothing to gain, his in a solid relationship surely she must see that by now, his nan is not going to reconnect them?

That bit you wrote about what he should say to his nan, is exactly what I would love for him to say. And I suppose I never thought of how his family would see me- it’s a good point. I get so hung up on her embarrassing me, because at the start of the bullying I was embarrassed. She made me feel so inadequate, ugly and a non entity. And I suppose I’m just holding on to those feelings whilst I see his nans interactions with her, if that makes sense?!
I can’t tell you how everyone’s response has made me feel like a bit of a weight has been lifted, I kept wondering if I was just over reacting or being too sensitive. Josh doesn’t like confrontation and Iv always understood why he didn’t make such a big deal of it, but Iv come to realise that to me, it is a big deal and maybe he should man up a little bit more and say something directly to his nan xxx

 

[Raininvain]

You have a problem with your boyfriend being spineless and letting his family bully you.End of story. Either he puts you first and tells her Nan straight or your going to have years of this and it will get worse as well. The problem doesn't soley lie with his Nan its him.
I wouldn't be marrying him or having a baby etc until hes proved that he will have your back.
I'll say it again its your boyfriend that's the problem here.

 

[Suzesnooze]

Even though his Nan has never met Sophia it sounds like Sophia probably contacted her via social media and slagged you off no doubt. She probably told her a completely different story about her and Josh than is the real story?

It's easy to get sucked in. I had this happen with my husband's cousins wife who lives abroad. I only met her once and she wasn't even friendly, I don't think she even spoke to me but she made friends with me on SM and started commenting nice stuff on our family photos and then one time she posted something about being upset and I commented 'hope you're ok' and then she private messaged me and told me their marriage was in trouble and started slagging off her husband. I got a bit sucked into it and it went on for ages and i did end up being taken in by her and taking her side but then other things happened and my husband's family disowned her and I then tried to distance myself from her as I felt like she was using me to tell me negative stuff hoping I would repeat to the family. I barely have anything to do with her now but she still likes and comments on my photos.

I think you should ask Josh to have a word and explain the hate campaign she had against you and say to his Nan 'you've never actually met her, so you don't know the 'real' her' and for him to tell her to stop interacting with her on SM.

She might be beautiful but she doesn't sound like a nice person and he did choose you, so don't feel so insecure.

 

[SqualorVictoria]

Not overreacting at all, I can't see anyone being happy with the lingering presence of an ex from four years ago, certainly not an ex who his grandmother has never even met! Hope it all works out for you xxx

 

[KiKiGreen]

Well that’s what happens when you steal someone else’s man. Was never going to be plain sailing was it?

His Nan is a grown woman and can be friends with who she likes, if you don’t like it then mute her. You don’t get to dictate who she can be friends with her what her opinions get to be. Sorry but my sympathy is limited.

 

[Jelly Bean]

Josh probably should have a word with his Gran once - and then just let it go if she persists. For some reason she and the strange ex are intimidated by you which is testament to the fact they know how much Josh obviously loves you and is happy.
You hold all the cards here - you really do. You have a lovely man and hopefully before too long a baby. Seriously you should feel a bit sorry for the creepy duo as what they are doing is laughable and pathetic. That is probably why Josh isn't that hung up on it as he doesn't see their behaviour as a threat to his relationship with you. They are irrelevant.
And don't feel you owe any loyalty to that horrible gran just because she is his gran. She has made no effort and sounds awful.

 

[SqualorVictoria]

Well that’s what happens when you steal someone else’s man. Was never going to be plain sailing was it?

His Nan is a grown woman and can be friends with who she likes, if you don’t like it then mute her. You don’t get to dictate who she can be friends with her what her opinions get to be. Sorry but my sympathy is limited.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion but I feel that's a bit harsh. They were in a LDR and they're tricky anyway, especially with no end goal in sight and issues of not being able to see each other. After 4 years, the OP and Josh have proved it's not a flash in the pan and the ex really should have moved on by now. The OP doesn't deserve to be "punished" because Josh chose someone who was actually in the same country.

 

[cushtybert]

She may be beautiful but she sounds very insecure to keep this up. I know it’s easier said then done but just ignore her, don’t message her back, keep blocking her. As for the nan, rise above it, keep being friendly etc don’t let her or anyone see that it’s getting to you

 

[Raininvain]

Everyone is entitled to their opinion but I feel that's a bit harsh. They were in a LDR and they're tricky anyway, especially with no end goal in sight and issues of not being able to see each other. After 4 years, the OP and Josh have proved it's not a flash in the pan and the ex really should have moved on by now. The OP doesn't deserve to be "punished" because Josh chose someone who was actually in the same country.

.
Exactly someone cant be "your man" if you just see then for 2 weeks a year!. Its just a holiday fling/pen pal.

 

[Danni_louu]

Just remember beauty comes within. You could be a gorgeous woman but your core could be ugly and it will slowly come threw xxxx

 

[SqualorVictoria]

.
Exactly someone cant be "your man" if you just see then for 2 weeks a year!. Its just a holiday fling/pen pal.

Exactly this. If the OP had "stolen" him from a marriage/ and/ or kids, my sympathy would be limited also. But it really sounds like no more than a holiday fling. I've been in LDRs and they don't tend to work. Someone the other side of the world is not physically/ geographically available. People for the most part just want to be with their partners without having the headache of flights/ visas/ the cost.

Also, it doesn't really sit well with me that the OP should be punished for "stealing" him. He's an adult and it was his choice too.

You've done nothing wrong, OP xxx

 

[Upintheair83]

Well that’s what happens when you steal someone else’s man. Was never going to be plain sailing was it?

His Nan is a grown woman and can be friends with who she likes, if you don’t like it then mute her. You don’t get to dictate who she can be friends with her what her opinions get to be. Sorry but my sympathy is limited.

I appreciate your opinion and I posted to make sure I had all opinions on it, not just for sympathy. But I didn’t include that me and Josh had worked together, and been friends while they were together, when Josh said he had feelings for me I told him to make his choice- me or Sophia and I backed off until he made his decision. I can’t help that I fell in love with him, but I ensured we never dated or even kissed before he ended it with her. So I don’t know if you feel diff now you know that? So technically he didn’t cheat, as I said I had been in an LDR so I sympathised and understood how strong emotions can be and I didn’t see it as just a fling. And also, if you read my post I did say I can’t stop them being friends but obv posting such gushing remarks to her so publicly is a little insensitive don’t you think? She’s never met her but doesn’t even acknowledge me. But thanks for your opinion. And I will think upon what you said

Exactly this. If the OP had "stolen" him from a marriage/ and/ or kids, my sympathy would be limited also. But it really sounds like no more than a holiday fling. I've been in LDRs and they don't tend to work. Someone the other side of the world is not physically/ geographically available. People for the most part just want to be with their partners without having the headache of flights/ visas/ the cost.

Also, it doesn't really sit well with me that the OP should be punished for "stealing" him. He's an adult and it was his choice too.

You've done nothing wrong, OP xxx

Thank you so much, I always felt I didn’t ‘steal’ him as I ensured if he wanted to pursue a relationship with me and give it a go he was to contact Sophia and finish it with her before we got romantically involved xx