Alfie Deyes #9 The lights are always on, but nobodys home

[Wowwwwwwwww]

I'm sorry but why is it savage?? When will this word drop off of his vocabulary. He uses it at all the wrong times.

I hate everything he says and I hate the way he says everything.

 

[Handwash30]

He’s the jack of all trades, master of none. So he’s a YouTuber (to his shame), property investor, fashion designer, photographer, motivational speaker, author, world explorer, and now... virtuoso. Some impressive shit for a fella who can’t even spell the word business. Could it possibly be that his numerous opportunities have all come about purely because of his relationship with Zoe social media platform and not his entrepreneurial finesse?!

 

[Chaddy]

Honeycomb on the Brie

 

[GossWhore]

I am bored so here it is - the breakdown you never asked for, like Alfies vlog

NEW VLOG: LETS TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING

• He mentioned how much he clapped, I honestly thought he was telling us he had the clap - and I thought "ummmmm"
• He said check in on your strong friends --- thank God Alfiestole took the time out of his time to tell me to be a decent human being
• Alfie: "I would rather you stopped this video and called a family or friend"......LIESSS!!!! Then he added "do that instead of watching this video........or do both"
• Eating COLD sausage pasta FROM A PAN-- what a slob -- learning from Slobella I see
• Zalfie shot an IGTV - making cookies, yesterday was banana bread --- GROUNDBREAKING
• Alfie "I went on Twitter today, which I don't really use, I don't really like the platform" --- He doesn't like the fact (1) people down lick his ass on Twitter, (2) he cannot monetise Twitter
• He received this tweet [screenshot below] from Tyler Oakley [Louise, Jim, Louis, Tanya irrelevant asses all replied]
• Alfie then said "Do I set up a virtual video chat and invite everyone in that tweet and give a time and date" --- It was Louis idea lol (check the replies) Louis legit tweeted at 2:11am "should we do a Zoom call" and then Alfie miraculously thought of this idea LOL
• But I REALLY hope they do and Louise and Zoe have an awkward "chummy chat"

• He and Zoe both has a Moscow Mule and Alfie teaches his 9 year viewers how to make one
• They once again discuss Zoe drinking -- to summarise: she drinks, but doesn't get drunk
• Alfie "lets see whats closest to going out of date and eat that" --- what?? Alfie Sidney Deyes acting like a responsible adult?

Q&A time because hes so damn boring and hes to get this video over 10 mins [it was only at 9 mins]
Q: Is there a single moment of life he would live to relive?
Alfie: "My first book signing, there was 8,000 of you, helicopters, police force, it was crazy" - he is referring to this video, where Zoe called him out for going to the front of the bookstore whilst Alfie grinned that they told him to which resulted in the car being surrounded by tween fans

Q: Most drastic change?
Alfie: "Stopping my gaming channel and growing up, I am more mature now" ---- Righttttttttt

Q: You were working on building a motorcycle is this still going ahead?
Alfie: "That's so funny you remember that...I put it on hold because of winter and then never got round to do it...I couldn't sync up dates" --- Excuses, excuses

Q: What 3 habits will improve your life?
Alfie: "Solid routine, checking in on yourself - taking a couple days out to make sure what you are doing, your relationships is all beneficial and going in the right direction because its easy to blink at 4 years have gone by and your 40 and lastly checking in on people" --- tbh he takes none of this advice, maybe Zoe should because the direction of their relationship is not going right and she will blink and be 40 as shes already looking it

(Apparently all the 40 year old viewers got annoyed by this comment --- 1 person probably commented lol)

Q: What celeb you would like to collab with on The Secrets Out podcast?
A: "Justin Bieber, Ed Sheeran, comment down below your dream guest and I will see if I could make it happen" - Alfie has no celeb clout to get anyone but his gf on his podcast

Q: Did y'all buy your house or the plot?
A: "We bought the house and spent over 2 years working on it"

Q: How do you decide what brands you work with?
A: "I left my managing company 3 years ago, and they use to take 20% of my earnings. Now I spend 20% upfront and hope to get the 80%. And they work solely together for me. 85% of the brands I work with is me reaching out to brands, only 15% of deals is brands messaging us....so when you see a brand deal its 85% it was my idea" - Alfie has no celeb clout to get anyone but his gf on his podcast

Q: Do you feel pressure being in a public relationship?
A: "I'm not really fussed if someone says propose, I'm just living my life" -- Translation: we ain't getting married!

Q: When you're 80, what do you want to look back and say you achieved?
A: "Bringing positivity, these videos have bought 1.7B views.....there's a lot of negativity that thrives on here and the media. I want to look back that my videos were positive"



Bloody check = only 2

 

[Wowwwwwwwww]

fuck me! how old does he look in that second picture?!!

Imagine being that gummy AFTER gifted teeth fixing?

 

[GossWhore]

As a beginner growing veg he doesn’t need all that gear and accessories. Who does he think he is, Mr fucking Bloom? You can start with just some seeds and soil for a lot of things, but of course most of the appeal of starting a new hobby for Alfie is spending a fortune on frigging stuff.

Well he's not known as Alfie "all the gear and no idea" Deyes for nothing

 

[Louise123]

No, I think he’s a model now actually. Futureself merch model but, still a model 🦦

View attachment 165415

Sadly he’s had to put his modelling to one side. Having watched his living off £1 video the UN have approached him to solve world poverty.

 

[GossWhore]

NEW VLOG: Teaching my Girlfriend To Slackline

• Had to put Zoe in the thumbnail --- gotta get that mulla
• He starts by telling us the most riveting thing that happened this morning "It's Sunday which means turnips [on Animal Crossing] are for sale"
• Apparently he bought 180kg and had to inform his Whatsapp Animal Crossing group (yeah you read that right) with a voice note to buy turnips
• Funny he can buy turnips on Animal Crossing, but cannot put a single piece of veg in his gummy mouth
• Zoe made breakfast in the garden which Alfie comments "I have not eaten breakfast like this since self-isolating" - To summarize: It was Avocado, spinach, cherry tomatoes, halloumi, eggs, common bagel ------ this boy cannot even cook breakfast without going to a restaurant or mummy cooking it, ALFIE YOU ARE 26 JEEZZZZZ
• Tbh I feel Zoe enjoys infantizing Alfie and it makes her feel useful; if Alfie learnt to cook - what the hell would she do??
• Zoe sets up that fake pic they took on IG the other day in the garden as their neighbours blare this TikTok song lol
• Old woman Zoe about hating Tik Tok -- it was the first time her and Alfie had argued as he kept playing trending TikTok songs IN BED lol (I love TikTok, however, I would never be like RENEGADE RENEGADE RENEGADE in bed with my bf lol"
• Tbh I could see Alfie in a TikTok couple -- like bad dancing and all

• Alfie and Zoe changes clothes because they were going to wear them on holiday --- you know they will never wear them again because they are so wasteful!
• Alfie trynna be down with socialism "Me and Zoe were saying, we are soooo lucky to have a garden, there are so many people that can't go outside.....we are so fortunate"
• He made ravioli and no sauce --- Italians wept -- he said "its the quickest thing" because he has soooo many places he needs to go lol
• They talk about Animal Crossing and how Zoe is watching interior/exterior videos on Animal Crossing, whilst Alfie said "I have put all my time into fishing and making money" --- it was quite interesting as that is their goals in life - Zoe: cute interior life, Alfie: MONEEEYYYYYY
• The teaching my girlfriend to slackline was legit one minute

• Alfie then addressed that people had a go at him with getting a guitar, when he has a piano "I do play it, I just don't film it, I just mess about on it, I don't take it seriously, I don't want to improve, it's just a bit of fun" --- this is the MOST privileged statement I have ever read!!!!
• He added "Just like the piano, I won't be playing the guitar all day every day playing it... it's just a bit of fun" --- this really pissed me off as I use to be a trustee at a school where kids were talented, but their parents could not afford guitars, pianos etc so we had to constantly fundraiser and for Gummy Deyes to act like flippantly about this and the fact he can just buy a hobby and discard it when he's bored, annoyed the f out of me!
• He even got a subscription to Yousician which is $19.99 a month -- throwaway to him for a hobby he will give up by June

Bloody check = 3 (I feel he knows I am checking lol)

 

[GossWhore]

VLOG: LETTING MY GIRLFRIEND CUT MY HAIR

- Alfie facetime Soppy and its the most boring conversation about cutting hair
- Then the most boring conversation about making the tik tok coffee again, but not really as they did it with hot chocolate
- Alfie sees a massive bumble bee and comments that Zoe loves bumble bee. Zoe comments "says the guy with a bumble bee tattoo" which Alfie goes "oh yeah" ---- why did he get that tattoo again?

Time to cut Alfie hair:
- Zoe bigs herself up "I use to cut my dads, Joes and friends hair" --- ok Vidal Sassoon
-Zoe wants to read the instructions, Alfie doesn't. She thankfully reads the instructions which says to charge the hair clippers and Alfie disregards this
- He facetimes his barber
- To cut his hair he takes his top off ---- lord the dad bod is there!
- Alfie looks so scared at Zoe cutting his hair lol he even says "I'm tensing my face"
-Alfie: "I think this is a good couple or sibling bonding thing to do" -- Him and Zoe being the latter
- Zoes reward was a 30 minute massage and Alfie putting on the dishwasher ---- nice lol

- He cooks with his jumper around him like an idiot -- 4 pita with vegan burgers. Does he cook for Zoe?? Fck no??? Does he ever? Lol

- The rest of the vlog was boring: Alfie watching the clip of Zoe cutting his hair, taking Narla for a pee and loading the dishwasher before going to massage Zoe for 30 mins (Zoe made the room "all cozy" definitely no sexy time happening)



Bloody count = 2

 

[captainxpudding]

If there is alcohol in the Zalfie household and Alf doesn’t snap a pic, does it get opened? I haven’t posted here in a while but I saw this and cringed. I wouldn’t think twice if most people posted this stuff but Alfie seems like the kind of person who has to document every time he drinks. Reminds me of an underage college freshman who wants to show off that he is drinking

 

[Elle]

Because you made some cheesy pasta? Congratu-fucking-lations. Nah, I'll continue calling you twat face.

 

[Handwash30]

He’s an arrogant wanker, thinks he’s doing the world a favour by existing. He churns out patronising inspirational quotes like he’s the Dalai Lama. I do like Zoe more (shoot me now) because at least there’s a level of vulnerability about her despite also being an arrogant princess, but him... he definitely wanks in the mirror.

 

[pollingnumbers]

Thread suggestion:

Alfie Deyes: do your futureself a favour and finish SOMETHING

 

[Handwash30]

I’ve always imagined Alfie’s “meetingsh” to consist of him and his little entourage of ageing hipsters sat around exchanging buzzwords and platitudes together. He loves to think of himself as some clever business minded chap but really he’s just the ugly face of a spin off of the Zoella business.

 

[ejhanson]

On his latest video he said when they went out to clap obviously you can’t come as I can’t show you where we live. I replied along the lines not to be funny but your address is so easy to find on google and the fact you have the house blurred on google maps makes it even more obvious. Anyway my comment on the video has since been deleted but also now their house on google maps isn’t blurred anymore!! Still obvious which it is though.

 

[Elle]

'Do you know what I'm obsessed with at the moment? Onion'.

I can feel my brain cells dying as I watch his vlog.

 

[Handwash30]

Oh I’m sure he’s just so incandescent with rage he’s unable to control his hands as he types. You know our Alf, always been fiercely passionate about fighting racism Oh wait. This is the same motherfucker who insists that everybody has the same chance in life and his own good fortune is purely down to his hard work.

The faux outrage at racism is simply embarrassing. Over egging the pudding... The lady doth protest too much... Pick a saying, any you like!

 

[coconochanel]

Zoe is wearing this outfit in the latest vlog and Alfie says something along the lines of if he could dress Zoe however he wanted, it would be exactly this... I wonder why

Zoe looks a twat in that outfit she just cant pull off that look.

 

[Handwash30]

So the key ring, erm I mean KEY STRAP, is £17.

And as if 2020 couldn’t get any weirder, it has not sold out within seconds for some very strange reason!

Edit: it’s also the only item available on the website. What sort of normal brand does this?

 

[Handwash30]

Fuckin ell. He wasn’t half struggling with the word “business” there. The final slap in the face was when he finally spelt it right but pluralised it as business’. I need Jesus after reading that.

He’s not even of a young age now, he’s a grown man. It’s actually fucking weird that he still groups himself in with teenagers.