Alfie Deyes #9 The lights are always on, but nobodys home

[Handwash30]

Do your future self a favour and dont put the song on

 

[Wowwwwwwwww]

Podcast delay. Fucking standard.

Telling Zoe how HE would like HER to dress. Fucking standard.

Hammock. New purchase. Fucking standard.

Repetitive use of the word “banging” to describe big standard shit. Fucking standard.

Pushing a Guitar app that is 25 quid a month. FUCKING TORY.

ALSO

How is the podcast content backlog gonna be at all relevant once it’s released. Filmed in March released in July? What’s the fucking point??? They’re gonna be chatting about whatever is on their plate for now, no? He tries (not hard just tries) to do it all and gets it all so wrong.

 

[eucalyptus]

Likkle game for you all...

name something that alfie has actually stuck with... (apart from zoella for the views/clout)

when he made a new years resolution to not worry about dressing well, he's really committed to that one

 

[GossWhore]

VLOG: IT WASN'T EASY, BUT I DID IT!

• He starts in his gym, filming on his iPhone because he forgot to put a memory card in his camera "I left my memory card at home which is annoying" -- If only he had a home gym right next to his house and could walk home quickly and get it? IDIOT
• He points to the dumb sign in his gym "Do yourself a favour and work hard today" which I still think is dumb.
• He mentions AGAIN he fell off his slackline into a crowbar which was randomly on the floor as he was Facetiming Poppy -- what kinda bs story LOL
• He ends his session early because his lawyer called and then made some tie-dye jumpers to shill
• LOL Zoe is making a toastie and Alfie asks if she is making him one, and she didn't seem like she wanted to and even said "there's not much cheese" - like he ever considers her when making his lunch
• He toasted one side an not the other -- he can't even make a toastie right LOL
• He mentioned people say him and Zoe are "couple goals" and said they aren't "we are eating toasties, watching Animal Crossing videos" -- they really are sibling goals LOL
• He went for his 5k run and 30 secs in dropped and broke his water bottle like an idiot
• For dinner he "makes" a pastie, some mash with herbs [probably instant] and veg -- then comments "I've never had herbs in my mash, I am not normally a fan of herbs" -- now all his bland ass meals make sense
• One of my pet peeves is people talking with their mouth full which Alfie constantly does through dinner

Bloody count = 10!!!!!! [Think that's a new record for an 11 min video]

 

[blurstoftimes]

 

[Wowwwwwwwww]

No time for stories but has uploaded 8 stories.

 

[thatstupidcat]

I find Alfie fascinating. He’s comes across as the slightly brain damaged missing link between a middle class child and Sir Moneybags from Monopoly.

I get proper Cersei / Jaime Lannister relationship vibes from him and Zoella.

 

[rachelandelvis]

Long time lurker on here but it’s time I let out my Alfie rant! I think everyone is spot on with their descriptions of him on here.

He’s such a bellend. I think I only watch his videos to fuel my hatred. Recently he banged on about having ‘iced hot chocolate’ (rather than coffee), like it’s some cool revolutionary thing he does. You’re drinking chocolate milk mate. Like the manchild you are.

Also don’t like Zoe, she’s just the stereotypical vapid insta-basic bitch.

 

[Handwash30]

What the fucks next?

Fridge magnets?
Bouncy balls?
A shoehorn?

 

[Horatio]

It's always been a utterly tasteless display of indulgence but this year, with people queuing to get into supermarkets and empty shelves, its especially gross. I love how zoe thinks the disclaimer she oh so subtly added this year "we'll be eating this for days" justifies it. Especially as we all know its not true. A menu ffs!?

 

[Wowwwwwwwww]

Omg I fucking love how shady we all are on this thread. I mostly only react with the laughing emoji fella.

Anyway, WHY is he always touching himself up. Does he think he looks super sexy and super desirable? Cos I reckon he looks like a desperate cunt

 

[Gossiperina]

Hahaha I can't

In Zoe's new video they were talking about how in winter time there is gonna be a surge in babies being born as loads of people are stuck indoors now and Alfie says and I can't quite believe it:

"I didn't realize until the other day if you have sex once you get pregnant, you have sex again you get pregnant again. YOU HAVE TWO BABIES IN THERE"

What??? JUST WHAT

 

[Loevly]

33.8k views on TikTok

 

[GossWhore]

NEW VLOG: It's Really Not Looking Good...

• Started video with a riddle - "You see a boat filled with people. You look again, but this time you don't see a single person on the boat. Why? Hint: The boat has not sunk"
• Tells viewers not to Google riddle, Zoe Googles riddle
• Alfie "I will say the answer at the end of the video, I will forget" -- mummy ZoZo told him to set an alarm to remember
• Alfie "If we 10k thumbs up, I will do another riddle. A riddle a day" ---- Firstly, The video has 3.4K thumbs up so its a no, and also he thinks he is Stephen Hawking "I am trying to keep your minds activated", "I am sooo good at riddles"
• Has got the stupid slack-line out "someone people meditate or do yoga or go for a run, I do this" lol
• He and Zoe could not remember why Zoe bought him the slack-line; Alfie: "Was it my birthday or Christmas", Zoe replied "can't remember" --- must be nice buying sh*t and not remembering why you bought it

• Sea monkey segment nobody asked for - (1) they are not there [think he may have killed them imo, Jesus this guy should not have children if sea monkeys is too much of a pain]; (2) HE CALLED HIS MUMMY AND DADDY FOR HELP - basically the whole Deyes family killed their sea monkeys
• Alfistole time: Touched on the importance of "being on your own journey" -- the thing is I agree, during isolation focus on yourself and slow down HOWEVER he has forever been on pause
• Alfie "For the first time in my life I am enjoying being at home, instead of go go go" ---- Zoe probably loved hearing that
• He made a meatball toastie which looks so stupid, 3 pieces of bread lighly fried [imo the fact he used the top slice of bread shows they have none left in the house which is so on brand for Zalfie]
• He bigs up his cooking too too much "ABSOLUTELY BANGING" --- its common bread and meatballs
• He then tries to do 100 press ups in 10 mins - does 35 then comments "I know there will be people that say they can do 100 in 10 minutes, I am happy for you, I am proud for you, but that's not me" --- he can be so condescending! ---- he ended up doing the 100 but in a much longer time
• Dinner: Alfie made Gousto home made chicken goujons and cheesy beans --- Alfie "this is not sponsored I wish it was" --- looking for a #SPON -- Alfie looks at the potato "do I need to wash this"
• Zoe however had pie and mash because she's 3 not 30
• Zalfie are making sure they clean the kitchen before they go to sleep -- must be difficult not having their cleaner; pray for Zalfie
• He broke his switch! --- HE DROPPED IT IN THE BATH -- moron

Bloody count =4

 

[Elessar]

I like how his decision not to sell merchandise because it 'didn't feel right at these times' lasted all of about a week.

Incase you hadn't noticed Alfie, we're still in a lockdown, the situation hasn't got any better - in fact for most people it's getting worse. Just because you have the attention span of a gnat and this pesky coronavirus is 'old news' for you now, doesn't actually make it any more appropriate for you to be flogging your overpriced merchandise...

 

[jammy]

Why would you have a crowbar next to a slack Line?!

He uses it as a toothpick.

 

[Louise123]

They did the #snackchallenge when your CHILD (HUMAN CHILD) has to wait for a snack until the parents come back

But omitted child for UGLY PUG

Can't they keep out of trends? It's like the Dalgona coffee trend when Zoe hates coffee

Maybe Tanya B could do it with Martha...oh no wait, sorry that’s awkward!

 

[StephenTJackson]

View attachment 160961
Because you made some cheesy pasta? Congratu-fucking-lations. Nah, I'll continue calling you twat face.

To be fair, calling him twat-face is basically like calling him Jamie Oliver anyway.

 

[Wowwwwwwwww]

This a joke or what? They LICHERALY DWOP nothing. It’s a none brand, It’s boring.

Texts for what? To say OH MAH GAWD GUIIISSSS WE HAVE 20 KEYRINGS AVAILABLE, DWOPPIN NOW OH MAHHHH GAWWWSHHHHHHHHHHHH.

FUCK OFF.

 

[jammy]

When I see him, I just think he looks like he should be working the waltzer at a funfair.