Age gaps

[heretoreaditall2019]

thank you! This is all really useful and stuff I hadn’t thought about. Which is quite naive of me, really!

So glad you took this well cos I promise it’s not from a nasty place at all. Life happens & people move on, which is fine you just want to make sure you’re both in a decent position for when he retires and you’re down to 1.x incomes, especially as you’ll have a kid about to start secondary & eventually transition into adult life!

The pensions stuff may not be as easy as there’s ongoing divorce stuff, but usually it is very easy for husband to call each pension provider up and change the “it goes to…” (forgot the proper name of this) to include you & baby. Personally - and this is obviously subjective - I would want a will that weights at least some portion of it based upon age (under the idea younger = higher need). He also has a lot more to consider with this set up, eg if he’s regularly gifting cash sums to adult children later as when it comes to wills etc they could argue that evidences need so request this continues through the estate, I went through this as my husband was recreationally paying an adult relative’s mortgage and I worried she could say she was a financial dependent (and she could have!).

Also re the don’t want a prenup / not after his money is something we as women are socialised to think by a toxic misogynistic media/society. Women aren’t gifted money for just sitting about doing nothing or just because they were married, if a court wants to allocate you money that is a) so, so your money b) likely an understatement on what you really contributed albeit indirectly.

 

[Goosegamer]

Our age gap is 10 years, he's the older one. Been together 15 years now.

Do you have any future-proofing plans yet, such as insurance, wills, etc? And what to consider when he has retired and you're still at the peak of your own career.

My OH is retiring next year and I'll be in full time work still. He is going to be taking on another job to see him through to state pension age in 12 years time.

 

[heretoreaditall2019]

I think it's good that it's no longer considered normal for young teenage girls to have "relationships" with adult men. Even as recently as the 1990s for instance, girls' magazines would run stories about "I fell in love with my friend's dad when I was 16 and he was 45 and he left his wife for me" and portray it in a positive light, which I don't think is a good thing. But, yeah, a lot of people now seem to believe any age difference is bad. I know grown adults in their early-mid 20s that think it would be "weird" and "creepy" for an 18 and 22-year-old, who could be at uni together, to date. And the older you get, the less of an issue it is IMO

Agree completely. I think the grooming element is still a v important convo even if the younger participant is in their 20s or 30s as there will inevitably be a power/financial imbalance between the two. But the same applies for large income disparity relationships even of the same age. I’m relieved that the way in which we talk about consent, grooming, and abuse is getting better (but not silly enough to think it’s perfect) and hoping the next gen of girls don’t need to go through what was normalised for us all.

 

[heretoreaditall2019]

need to think carefully about how I broach the subject as I’ve stayed out of the divorce stuff so far out of fear!!

Because you have a child to consider his financial standing is 100% your business - you need to understand how you’re going to fund your child’s childhood and beyond to be able to make informed decisions for yourself (your work, property cos it’ll effect things like what sort of mortgages you’ll be able to access with his predicted retirement date, if you wanted a loan for an extension, etc etc). I don’t mean this nastily but he’s not only going to lose a lot of “wealth” (eg assets whether it’s property, vehicles, pensions) but also possibly income with alimony and child support (albeit youngest has nearly aged out of this?) so you really need to know. It doesn’t mean getting involved in their drama and who said what or who is wrong, you just need to see the numbers for your own financial planning.

Do you have a savvy friend to run this stuff past and to support you through it all? Your dad seems involved from your previous comment, maybe discuss this stuff with him too if you feel comfortable? You defs need to shake off any shame or guilt for asking as it determines the course of your life! And ngl a bloke who’s at the end of his working life about to lose at least half his assets, take on some ongoing financial obligations, has 3 financial dependents, and pay out at least 2 years worth of legal fees isn’t exactly a gold digger’s cup of tea so disregard those comments.

 

[Wacko]

I’m 3 days older than my partner. He takes great delight in telling people he’s my toyboy!

 

[bringingdownthebs]

I'm two years older, together for 4 years, met while he was staying in the UK temporarily (from the USA)

aww that sounds really romantic!

3.5 years. We were introduced by a mutual friend who thought we'd get on like a house on fire. Said friend walked me down the aisle 7 years later.

@bringingdownthebs I'm curious about your story - were you just colleagues on the same team, or did one of you report to the other?

aww that sounds lovely! What an amazing friend!!

neither - we work in separate teams but regularly end up in the same places (like operating theatres!) trying not to give too much identifying info away! Haha!!

 

[lozzapaloozza]

12 years. I’m 23 and he’s 35

 

[bringingdownthebs]

I'm currently in a relationship with someone 25 years older than me and i'm TERRIFIED to tell friends/family about it for this reason! (I'm 33 he's 58). We met at work so it's been easy to keep it to ourselves but we're getting serious now so I know people will find out soon...

aww this sounds so similar to my relationship! We met at work too - I was 28 at the time and he was 54. I was petrified of telling people as well but then the pandemic hit and everything sped up because of it! Surprisingly the majority of my friends and family took it well. His eldest daughter took it the hardest but she’s pretty cool with things now! You can’t help who you fall in love with

Another thing I've just seen, is that people think age gaps are always a negative thing and always come under "grooming".
Admittedly, this comes from younger people usually, but it still very offensive. Not everything has to have negative undertones to it. You get on with someone older than you? Fine. They're a person, they can discuss things with you, it doesn't have to be inappropriate.
Also things like "ew. she was 8 when he started uni. So creepy. "
Well the couple most likely were unaware of each others existence at at that point, so what difference does it make?


View attachment 1587433

yes!! This really irritates me too! Like… I was 28 and a mum of one who had separated from my husband when I met my current partner…so how was that grooming?! I hate the “he’s old enough to be your dad!” Comments… well… he isn’t my dad, nor did he know me when I was a child!!

 

[HoGi]

Another thing I've just seen, is that people think age gaps are always a negative thing and always come under "grooming".
Admittedly, this comes from younger people usually, but it still very offensive. Not everything has to have negative undertones to it. You get on with someone older than you? Fine. They're a person, they can discuss things with you, it doesn't have to be inappropriate.
Also things like "ew. she was 8 when he started uni. So creepy. "
Well the couple most likely were unaware of each others existence at at that point, so what difference does it make?


View attachment 1587433

A girl at work the other day was saying how disgusting jt is for a 26 year old to date an 18 year old.

I replied I was 18 when I met my husband who was 26.

She was like...well that's different as you were mature and an old head on young shoulders. And she wasn't just saying it to placate me.

Either have the courage of your convictions or admit you are just jumping on the latest "trend" which is that 18/19 year old are teenagers still and therefore "children"

 

[alwaysdreaming]

Just to bring back this thread.
I'm glad I found it as it is such a touchy subject.
My parents had an 17 year age gap, and it worked perfectly for them and it means that I'm not worrying about my mum disapproving if I fall in love with someone older than me. Which I did. Ten years older.
It's just people's comments that I can't bear. People saying "oh he's too old for you!" or "you don't know what you're getting into!"
it's so hurtful.
and when people say things in general, not directed at me such as "oh what would a X year old see in a X year old?!" As though younger people shouldn't even be acknowledged. Just give them a chance. I've always got on with people older than me rather than people my own age. Always.
it's just putting people down to their age without considering any other factors, and after a while it can get you down.
Don't get me started on "hell die before you. you'll be on your own"
First of all, anyone can die at any age in theory. Also, I'd prefer to have years with someone I love and have those to reflect on once they're gone, rather than not love them at all just because of society.

Sorry. I'll stop now

I totally resonate with your post.
Recently a new mama friend told me that I need to make plans for me and my baby in case something happens. ( referring to my husband dropping off ).

I thought she was so brazen I decided to say well,
“I am married first and have my finances in order. Secondly your partner/bf may end up in a car crash what will you do ? ”
Never ever would I dare say that to someone on a normal day, but I was so offended with what she said as it wasn’t the first time so I decided to use her partners name.
I will tell you something I have a 20 something age year gap and many friends/family have judged.
Most don’t care now. They wish to find love like we have and they don’t even mention our age gap.

As long as you have basic morals I don’t think you should care what other people say. Live your own life and laugh at those comments.
There are couples who are similar age gap and stay together and have no love.

 

[Password4321]

My husband is 4.5 years older than me.
We met working in a hotel together as students. Been together 12 years, married for nearly 4 and have two kids.

Hope you have a very happy life together xx

 

[Meangirl815]

My husband is 18 months older than me. We met at work. Had the interview on the same day then started working together on the same day.
Together 13 yrs, married for 8 and have 3 kids

 

[Giggling Squid]

Just under 4 years for us too, I’m 33, he’s 37.

god I feel old writing that down, I swear I’m still 25 really

 

[bringingdownthebs]

I'm 4.5 years older than my husband. He was only 19 when we met. Was only supposed to be a bit of fun (11 years ago!)



A girl I know from school has a husband with a similar age gap (I believe), but she's 38. They have two kids. Honestly it looks like grandad is out with his grandkids. Personal choice, but it's too big a gap for me.

Yeah he’s a similar age to my parents (partner is 55, my mum is 54 and my dad is 58.) I’m happy, obviously, but people do think he’s my dad a lot and that’s not nice to deal with!

My husband is 18 months older than me. We met at work. Had the interview on the same day then started working together on the same day.
Together 13 yrs, married for 8 and have 3 kids

that sounds so romantic!

 

[Notgonnalie]

He’s 6 months and 5 days older than me met at our local park. Childhood sweethearts lol we’ve been together from we were 15!

 

[Everybody]

Don’t mind you being nosey at all! My nosey ness prompted me to create this thread! My partner is the older one. I’m 29 and he’s 55.

Oooh!! Nice. My aunt has a similar age difference and is in a very happy relationship

 

[Hopping12]

I’m 6 months older than my other half. We’ve been together since we was 15, but have known each other since we were kids as we lived on the same street as each other.

we’ve been together 15 years this year, now have 2 daughters and I love telling them about how we used to play out on our bikes together as Kids and how he used to do my head in when he used kick the football at window when playing Kirby with his friends lol

 

[Reraciara]

Just to bring back this thread.
I'm glad I found it as it is such a touchy subject.
My parents had an 17 year age gap, and it worked perfectly for them and it means that I'm not worrying about my mum disapproving if I fall in love with someone older than me. Which I did. Ten years older.
It's just people's comments that I can't bear. People saying "oh he's too old for you!" or "you don't know what you're getting into!"
it's so hurtful.
and when people say things in general, not directed at me such as "oh what would a X year old see in a X year old?!" As though younger people shouldn't even be acknowledged. Just give them a chance. I've always got on with people older than me rather than people my own age. Always.
it's just putting people down to their age without considering any other factors, and after a while it can get you down.
Don't get me started on "hell die before you. you'll be on your own"
First of all, anyone can die at any age in theory. Also, I'd prefer to have years with someone I love and have those to reflect on once they're gone, rather than not love them at all just because of society.

Sorry. I'll stop now

I'm currently in a relationship with someone 25 years older than me and i'm TERRIFIED to tell friends/family about it for this reason! (I'm 33 he's 58). We met at work so it's been easy to keep it to ourselves but we're getting serious now so I know people will find out soon...

 

[witchofwestbyfleet]

I think the idea that it's somehow more natural for young women to date/marry much older men is very normalised ("young women can have children easily and need a man to provide for them!") but is not always a "good" or "bad" thing, it very much depends on the couple. My sister's first husband was about 20 years older and the marriage broke down partly because she didn't realise how much the age difference would impact on them - she was still young and felt trapped by being with someone much older, even though they'd been together for several years already and she thought age was no problem. But there are couples with even bigger age differences that never have an issue with it at all

 

[Megansnarkle]

Just to bring back this thread.
I'm glad I found it as it is such a touchy subject.
My parents had an 17 year age gap, and it worked perfectly for them and it means that I'm not worrying about my mum disapproving if I fall in love with someone older than me. Which I did. Ten years older.
It's just people's comments that I can't bear. People saying "oh he's too old for you!" or "you don't know what you're getting into!"
it's so hurtful.
and when people say things in general, not directed at me such as "oh what would a X year old see in a X year old?!" As though younger people shouldn't even be acknowledged. Just give them a chance. I've always got on with people older than me rather than people my own age. Always.
it's just putting people down to their age without considering any other factors, and after a while it can get you down.
Don't get me started on "hell die before you. you'll be on your own"
First of all, anyone can die at any age in theory. Also, I'd prefer to have years with someone I love and have those to reflect on once they're gone, rather than not love them at all just because of society.

Sorry. I'll stop now

I must admit we have a much bigger age gap than you but have never had comments like that. Maybe we're lucky...