June already! I had to try and keep awake whilst thinking about how to summarise May, but that's what tedium does to you. So, May started off with a Sonder stay in Covent Garden. Same old, same old...
She then went onto Amazon and ordered herself a pair of dressmaking shears, and displayed them on the table with some florally tat from AliExpress, and claimed to have gone to the Sonder apartment to 'work on her designs'. Yes, dear, pull the other one; it's got bells on.
But, wait! The Sonder stay lasted longer than we were meant to believe, so in order to make us (and the fawnas) think she was back at home, she popped off down to the shops and bought herself a roll of vivid pink wallpaper. Karl Lagerfeld told her personally that pink is the most flattering colour, so that was what she went for. Pink wallpaper, I hear you ask. Yes, it was so that she could tape it up on a wall and then sit in front of it to do her makeup tutorials, so that we wouldn't see the Sonder and/or London hotel decor behind her. Obvs!!
Having spent many uncomfortable hours watching Bridgerton during the colder months, Yawna decided to take inspiration from the costume design and launch a new range of florally, rutched, billowy-sleeved, boned-and-corseted landfill that nobody in their right mind would be buried in, let alone wear in public. Personally, I think she should have used the dressmaking shears to cut the whole lot to shreds (and possibly send them via DHL courier to Frisby), but I'm a baker not a fashion guru, so my opinion counts for very little.
They eventually arrived back in Horsham (which is good, because the sheep was starting to take itself on walks), just in time for Yawna to take delivery of the commissioned artwork. Having told us they had both chosen it, she then expressed concern that 'she hopes John likes it'. I think perhaps John suffers from a form of dementia. Anyway, the artwork turned out to be some splats of paint on a canvas, which looked remarkably like a copy of another artist's work. But Lorna is the Queen of Copy, so quelle surprise!
It was then time to get her eyebrows microbladed. Having been told she must not get them wet under any circumstances (?), she gave us a demo with some plastic visor and face masks she had bought on Amazon, which was rather alarming to see. The good thing is that the microblading has saved her summer, as at least her eyebrow pencil won't run into the hotel pool when they go to Butlins on holiday, which is about the only place you can go without a PCR test first. While we're talking about freebies, she also went and had her ears pierced at a Notting Hill salon, where she was a very brave girl and didn't cry once. Because she was so courageous and fearless, the nice lady in the salon gave her a lollipop and a sticker when they left, and John took her for a nice glass of wine.
I almost forgot the hair. She bobbed on one Sunday to show us how shiny her hair was. Picture attached below for those who need reminding. She also launched some nappy shorts, a dress that looked like a graduation gown, and a boned dress which is probably about as close to boning as John gets (sorry
). She also decided to curl her hair extensions, and ended up looking like she'd just woken up after a rough night. Coincidentally, she launched some granny nightie-type dresses as the same time, and then drove to Notting Hill to creep around people's houses wearing them (looking like the lovechild of Wee Willie Winkie and Scrooge on Christmas Eve), so all was well in the world.
Lorna's big moment in life then came in the form of a collaboration with MAC. Realistically, she didn't do much at all. It was all existing MAC products, and they embossed her name in some illegible font onto the lipstick. The selected products were then packaged in a pleather pouch which you could then use as a handbag on a night out. I keep searching for the MAC 'handbag' on the table when she goes to Seen in Lisbon, but so far I have only seen a pink nappy bag. Anyway, Yawna got her chauffeur to drive her to Selfridges for the big launch day, and loads of Insta people were sent free goodie bags, but I think it's fair to say we've not heard Yawna mention MAC even once since then. Perhaps people are still trying to decipher the font. Who?
So, with a vurrrrry exciting trip to Portugal coming up, Yawna went all the way up to Warrington to pay someone to help her look more like a hooker than she already does. She sat for hours whilst the nice man attached a load of rats tails to her existing hair, so that her "hair" was now down to her waist. Obviously Annabel at Philip Kingsley was looking on in approval. Within three days the rats tails were looking like roadkill, but that's par for the course. Lorna never seems to have any 'crew hacks' on how to style hair. Lots about eyeliner, but none about hair... Anyway, the hair then caused great consternation when she didn't know if she should pack it in her luggage or wear it on the plane. Personally, I'd have loved to be at the airport if they chose her suitacse for a random check, and opened it up to find a dead animal crammed inside. Sadly, we weren't that lucky.
So, Lisbon day arrived and off they went. John was very helpful and booked the AirBnB. He didn't know how to use the app, so he had to email the lady and ask if their dayes were available. He also saw all the apartment pictures online, but somehow didn't know there was a 'secret' bathroom behind the door, even though it was the ONLY bathroom in the apartment (refer to what I wrote above about dementia...) Dim John also didn't realise there was no television in the apartment, so they have resorted to streaming films via John's laptop. I've never been to Lisbon, and I've really enjoyed Lorna's travelogue. I've seen the outside of the police station, the square outside their apartment, the door on the street outside their apartment, and two restaurants. If ITS ever drop Lorna, she should go and work for Conde Nast.
I'll leave it there, but I thought I'd make a little activity for us, seeing as Yawna is so boring. Link below to an online bingo card. Just click on the link and cross off the squares when relevant. It's anonymous, so we won't know who's won, but perhaps the lucky TIT can announce herself and we can arrange some nappy shorts and a bottle of Whispering Angel as a prize. Have fun!
https://mfbc.us/m/yt3cret
erm well he’s terminally ill so probably not much Lorna - what does she expect him to reply with ………maybe a jog ? Skydive ? Trip to a lap dancing club ……….
) so some might say it’s worth the outlay given what she will gain in return… it’s far from a selfless deed. However, only one winner ever has shown proof. Absolutely no sign of any others. Same for the Dior. And the Gucci. And the Celine… And the Manolo’s… And the Hermes... 
Sorry, but a roomy size 6 is the definition of an ED in her case. And all this whilst John is sat there on deaths door. Good god,she's unhinged!