So….what’s Lorna been up to since the start of the last thread?
We all watched, open mouthed in horror as Lorna galavanted around, including but not limited to …staying out until 2am, meals with friends, drinks, PR launch dinners, all whilst John was on end of life care. Lorna even bobbed on to show us her new nails, waffling on about John’s downstairs bed setup. It was very much ads and clicks until eventually, her or her team picked up on the comments, encouraged a social media break and of course cancelled the planned charity sale. We realised the end was sadly imminent.
Oh, shout out to the creators of the extremely odd AI images that were posted around this time, showing Lorna at her husband’s bedside. We knew they were fake because lol, at his bedside? Don’t be ridiculous.
Engagement skyrocketed as Lorna posted more sporadically, claimed to be reading every message to John as things really started declining. The well-meaning Susans were in overdrive, passing on their heartfelt wishes, and Lorna encouraged the speculation for click$
We had a brief hiatus between John sadly passing away early Feb, and his funeral. Luxe HQ worked overtime to perfect the comeback story before it was back to business, glam squad in and ….inexplicably 36 hours after the funeral buffet was cleared away…off to the races!
Initially, Tattlers couldn’t believe it had happened when a video of a jodpur clad Lorna -sans wedding band- circulated - “surely footage from last year?” but Lorna bobbed on to say what a great day she’d had, won a load of cash, she’d found a horse called Johnny to bet on- and of course, “John would have loved it”
Tributes started rolling in from the insufferable pals. Still non the wiser as who John was as a person beyond Loon’s servant - we were treated to many a PR shot of his funeral tribute photo, propped against bottles of Lady A. The hollow tributes basically boiled down to how the man lived for treating Lorna like a princess, topping up everyone’s wine…and yellow kecks?
Sometime around now would have been a shoot for The Times where Lorna was glammed up and photographed. The PR machine continued, we are told the engagement rings have been put in storage at John’s request and …the charity sale was back on!
To prepare for the charity sale, she of course needed a trip abroad, so off she went with her insufferable mates to Portugal. Allegedly she was told to bring her passport and the whole thing was a last minute surprise arranged for her, but we side eye this take.
What type of holiday content does a recently bereaved luxe life influencer put out there, you ask? Well, just pan the camera over the Marlborough lights cancer warning, mucky ashtrays and endless glasses of booze, that ought to do it. #aspirational
Back in the UK, the charity sale was a resounding success, candid photos showed the average age was around 62 - looked like there was a sale on perennials at a garden centre. We were treated to pro shots of Lorna twirling with her LAS branded carrier bags à la Pretty Woman. Of course there were yellow shorts on offer, fresh from the sweatshop. With every purchase, came a glossy, b&w memorial photo of John. Unsure what is happening with these - are they now gracing the mantle pieces of the menopausal across the uk?
We soon got a launch of a black dress… called.. wait for it….. “Dear John”. I don’t even need to snark here because she does the work herself. It looks like you couldn’t wear it near a naked flame anyway, so hope she stays away from the Marlboroughs.
The fawnas fawned as Lorna announced that she was simply going to go through life asking “What would John do”. Presumably this doesn’t mean cooking, cleaning, or ironing. Think it probably just means drinking wine abroad? Violently ironic.
Next, we have the house move. Tattlers were shocked that she openly shared somewhere that can be so easily sought out via reverse image search etc… but then Lorna herself announced exactly where it was, the architect and basically her daily schedule?! . Very odd behaviour for someone whose home has been targeted in the past, but that’s our Loons.
The temporary house itself is another unsellable eyesore- a cross between an airport walk bridge and a hall of mirrors. LED strips adorn every ceiling. The dog was briefly wheeled out but we can safely assume that’s because her mum was unpacking for her. Seems to have gone home now.
The Times article came out and the same old bollocks was repeated, although the debt amount is ever changing. She was hilariously referred throughout as “Luxe, 43” instead of her actual surname - like a drag name. The subject of babies came up again and Lorna divulged that she’d asked a fertility expert - well, her botox chap - about freezing her old degrading eggs. The woman is officially off her box.
She uploaded some stories on Hadley doing her hair, it looked predictably lank. Inexplicably, it ended up on the DM website. Mind you, the comment section is like the tattle threads but more vicious - and with poorer spelling.
Her bi-monthly tax deductible trip abroad was due, so off she went to Amsterdam with a suitcase full of heinous “pieces” from her line. Not before treating us to an estrid code and a tutorial on how she shaves her vag, of course.
Eagle eyed Tatters noticed her rebrand from @lornaluxe to simply @lorna….
@Ohmydays pointed out this rebrand stands her up there with the greats, Kanye, Madonna and… Cheryl. The WOS team later put out the world’s most tasteless quote - remember ladies “is it a loss… or a redirection?” 🫠
Just when we thought we’d seen it all, we had Lorna showing us her “single girls dinner”. She’s bypassed widow status completely in the 60 day period since John’s passing. The night after, she showed us her bizarre M&S hall, poured herself a savvy B (Queen Baby has upskilled) and noisily ate two mozzarella balls on camera.
In the most bizarre grift yet, we learn that she’s selling John’s Bentley because it’s too expensive to run and she doesn’t need 3 cars. “If anyone fancies a nice Bentley” she says, whilst eye- fucking herself in her hall of mirrors. This is shortly after mentioning its numerous electrical faults and that its recently been rear ended. Maybe one of the misty eyed Fawnas will be daft enough to buy it to add to their collection of John Memorabilia. A departure from the yellow shorts and a ghoulish funeral tribute photo yes, but not beyond the realms of possibility seeing some of the obsessive Facebook comments, they’d sell their houses for a chance to transact with Lorna.
The “mystery” of the storage unit was teased over a couple of weeks. Apparently, despite many previous stories mentioning John going to the unit, she was mystified when she found a standing order, for said storage unit. Long story short she finally donned a (stained, unwashed) top and investigated. It turned out to be paperwork and old sentimental marriage momentos, put together by John in boxes where he’d written their initials. By her own admission she spent “ten, twenty minutes” in the unit. The boxes clearly got flung to one side and she skipped home for a wine and an …..Indian takeaway…..
Many a lol was had over the WOS brown trousers. Now, we’ve seen the average age of the Fawnas, so Lorna may have actually found a niche here, bringing care home chic to the masses. Boasting the killer combo of a thick elasticated waistband and formal front pleat. Really scraping the barrel now John isn’t around to do the washing.
This brings us to now, as we eagerly await the next instalment. The resurgence of the cliterotica? Finally giving up the ghost and getting a lace front? And, where in the world will the ghastly sienna jacket travel next? Who knows. So don your unlaundered nipple vest, grab yourself a savvy b, two (2) mozzarella balls, and strap in!
