lorna luxe : Most liked Posts

Courtesy of Philip Kingsley

I'm glad OM got a clear test result - coincidentally I got my test results back today too and also got the all clear! Very relieved ( I didn't go round cracking (un)funnies about 'scanxiety' tho obvs)

Thanks to @annabelle_bronstein for the thread title!

Right, where were we four weeks ago? Well, Princess and The Predator were finishing up their last few (expensed) days in Santorini. They really did have the most wonderful time, exploring the same two restaurants, the same two streets in Oia, and the same ten-metre radius outside their hotel. John – when not reading his book in his yellow shorts – washed the rats tails and then laid them out in the sun on one of the hotel’s sun loungers to dry. In a scene that wouldn’t have looked out of place in Silence of the Lambs, Lorna filmed a rather creepy video of OMR sitting there, slowly, studiously, painstakingly brushing the damp rats tails until they gleamed. It was pure horror.

They also rented the same Blue House in Oia, so that Lorna could prance about on the roof wearing a voluminous cloak, in a fabric described as Grecian Porcelain print. Now, being a details kind of woman, I went and did some research and it would appear that they don’t make porcelain in Greece. They make pottery. And there is a big difference. Never mind, Frisby’s not exactly the kinda guy to be bothered with fine details, and the cloak does double up as a fine tablecloth, so it’s win-win all round.

The fawnas need constant makeup and skincare advice, obvs., so Lorna took time out from her holiday to film an over-long skincare video which, bizarrely, started out with her taking a sip of Greek coffee and swishing it around in her mouth like mouthwash. I’m sure the Greeks would be thrilled to see their carefully prepared coffee being violated in this way.

Having decided that they had enough ‘oh fuck it, that’ll do’ photos of the hotly anticipated ‘swimwear collection’, Lorna filmed a little video of herself talking shite, whilst OMR was doddering around in the background, packing up her makeup bag and packing their suitcases. If he does indeed still work at HSBC, we can only imagine the huge respect and high esteem in which his colleagues regard him.

So, back in their little village near Horsham, we were treated to the sight of a pile of boxes which had been delivered whilst they were away. One huge box, looking quite frankly like it had fallen off the back of the delivery van, was something very special she had ordered to shoot the last few pieces in her new collection (even though she had told us in Santorini that they were finished shooting). Well, we spent many a happy hour trying to guess what it could be. A blow-up doll, perhaps? Another sheep? A unicorn? Inflatable paddle pool, maybe? Sadly, we were wrong on all counts, because what we did NOT expect was………..

…………….you’ll have to wait and see, because first we were treated to another of her online purchases: A pair of Bottega Veneta kitten heels, resplendent in greeny-yellowy ostrich feathers, appropriately called “Beak”. Not understanding that less is more, Lorna then styled the shoes with a fuschia pink dress, an emerald green blazer about five sizes too big, and the fuschia pink Chanel flatpack bag. It truly was a sight that nightmares are made of, although it did provide a full two pages of Tattle thread. We all thought she had possibly reached the pinnacle of ridiculousness, but wait…. The best was yet to come….

The day finally came where she revealed what had been in the large box. Not a unicorn, sadly. Nope, it was a backdrop in exactly the same print as the Grecian Porcelain Hellenic Pottery! You could have knocked us all down with a feather. So, Lorna taped the backdrop on the wall and then photographed herself at jaunty angles with the wall and the painting and the sheep still clearly visible in the background. But, it was the outfit that made it all worthwhile. Looking like a 1920s Russian milkmaid, Lorna strutted about in a blue and white flared mini-dress, complete with big, puffy sleeves and some broderie anglaise frillies down the front. Lorna accessorised with a matching bandana, and a pair of highly impractical flimsy designer sandals. It was almost too much to bear, but Lorna wasn’t finished with us yet. Nope, she had something else up her puffy sleeve. Next, she came out in a blue and white puffball playsuit number, still sporting the bandana, but this time carrying a matching beach bag on her shoulder. Now, I don’t know about all of you, but when I go to the beach I like to do a flower arrangement when I get there. Or perhaps visit an elderly relative on the way to the beach who likes flowers. Or sometimes I like to have a picnic on the beach with a vase of flowers. Crazy, I hear you all say! Not so. Lorna had this covered too (she’s all over it). Fake flowers (real ones die, sadly), stuffed into the beach bag, and the look was complete.

Having now had their Day 5 test-to-release results, Lorna decided to re-ignite the steamy marriage and book a ‘cheeky night’ in London. After all, it’s what keeps their marriage spicier than John’s famous prawn salsa. So off they went to the freebie ME Hotel (yawn) and had drinks in the Radio Rooftop bar (yawn) and filmed Lorna bopping like a pony in a white dress on the street (yawn). John, meanwhile, set himself up with a little office in the hotel room. You know, all the usual paraphernalia you need when you go on a business trip: Laptop, mobile phone, phone charger, pens, notebook, clip-in hair, cigarettes with one ciggie poking out of the top of the packet, Zippo lighter, Chanel bag, camera… Whilst John busied himself with all of his Very Important Wanking Banking zoom calls, Lorna chose the hottest day of the year to dress up in on of her pink polyester numbers to go and have lunch with Sisley Paris and a bunch of other fake, pretentious women who think that everybody wants to be them. The waiters weren’t entirely sure where to put the plates of food, as the table had been adorned with designer handbags, all for the ‘Gram. Lunch done, Lorna then changed into that yellow gingham number she loves, and raced off to a dinner party with some more people who think that everybody wants to be like them. You’d be fooled into thinking there was Dog on the menu, but actually it was just the host who allowed his dog to sit on the table with its tail in the cruditès.

Dinner party over, they headed home to proudly display the cushions that Lorna had been given as a gift, which she flung on the white chair and then got praised by the company for “stunning styling”, or words to that effect.

Anyway, shortly after that, this ludicrous pair decided they should have a freebie night at The Lanesborough for about the tenth time this year. Lorna wore a red dress from Hollister that apparently gives the old man Gwen Stefani vibes (icky), and Lorna took herself off to some posh salon to make some poor woman give her a pedicure. Imagine working in that salon and looking in the bookings book when you come in to work in the morning, and then seeing that you have been allocated Lorna Andrews as a client. You’d have to feign a migraine and go home sick, surely? Post-manicure, they met up with some friends in the evening and got absolutely blotto, and then the next morning Lorna filmed herself still slurring her words whilst telling us that the old man was dying in the shower. They then drove home in this state, obvs having a Greggs on the way.

Next day, she was announcing that they are going on yet another holiday. Spain this time. She ordered herself a load of crap from Zara, one item being a polyester satiny white slip dress, only suitable for the bedroom really. Lorna modelled it proudly, and adjusted the straps so that the neckline was so low that we found ourselves in a ‘free the nips’ situation. We were all cringeing, but Lorna was proudly flaunting her boobs as though she was Samantha Fox. She then got OMR to take some photos of her doing the same pose outside the same door at their apartment block, and told us they were going ‘out out’. Next thing, she was sitting in the communal garden of their apartment, wearing the polyester nightie and with her Chanel handbag on the table. It must have had Very Important Things inside it.

So, where are we now? Well, it’s ‘Birthday Week’ which, for the uninitiated, is when John buys her something outrageously expensive every day for the seven days leading up to her birthday. On the day she announced this, she and John went in the Bentley to go and buy Starbucks. Lorna was wearing pyjamas, unbuttoned with a bandeau bra, and with a ridiculously huge blazer. Oh, and the Hermes bag got an outing. Lorna pranced about in the car park holding her cup of coffee, looking street and edgy and down with the kids man. The day after that, John dragged her into London to buy her the first gift. He had chosen the matching Bottega Veneta bag to go with the chicken shoes, but Lorna decided she wanted a white bag instead, which she is hoping she doesn’t ruin with fake tan.

We are now on Day 3 of Birthday Week. John left the apartment early yesterday (Day 2) to go and collect that day’s gift, and he’s not been seen since. It’s deeply worrying…

All things considered, July has probably been one of the most entertaining months in the Luxe Chronicles. We doff our hats to you, Lorna. Not all heroes wear capes.

Credit to MEEEEEEE (@LadyLockdown ) for the thread title. No apologies - I have no shame and measure my success purely by thread titles. Could be worse. Could be by handbags and face creams.
Anyhooo......

Lorna

-Lies constantly, pretty much anything she says is questionable
-Edits her photos within an inch of their life to make herself appear thinner
-Uses filters on her story videos. Tattlers spotted background warping and she was called out for it by CelebFace. Never addressed by Lorna and continues to use filters
-Doesn’t upload stories in real time
-Whenever her follower count is dwindling does a giveaway or buys followers
-Favourite beauty/make up products are whatever brands are paying her at the time
-Constantly pushing her flammable & unsustainable clothing collection with In The Style and responds to any complaints regarding quality, delivery and refunds via Twitter with passive aggressiveness
-Blocks anyone who questions her (blocked individuals are referred to as A-Blocked on tattle)
-Hardly ever declares gifts or ads. Reported many times to ASA. Seems to have stepped up her game since being called out by @Suxy who also created an Instagram page dedicated to her lies and abominable photo editing
-Says she hasn’t had any face fillers for over 2 years but puncture holes on the lips have recently been spied
-Pretends to be empathetic towards current affairs and world disasters when it suits her but has shown little regard for the covid pandemic because it’s just an inconvenience that she would prefer to ignore
-Poor Boo the dog is often carted off to god knows where while they go on trips presumably paid for by In The Style.
-Claims she has an English Literature degree from a Newcastle university which is highly questionable
-Eats at a handful of restaurants in London, suspected she backhands Cecconis for use of their toilets as a changing room when she ‘shoots’ on Bond Street

John aka Mr Luxe

Also referred to on Tattle as
OAP-Old Age Pensioner
OM-Old Mahogany (due to the depth of his tan)
OMR- Old Mahogany Raisin
The Raisin
Creosote King
Elton John
Whipping Boy

His position within HSBC is questionable due to them openly flaunting their lifestyle on social media and the amount of time he actually spends (or doesn’t spend) working.

She cheated on John and had an ongoing relationship around 2017/2018. Duration AND gender unknown at this stage as it’s thought she may have had a bisexual affair. Tea has been shared via former friends who say she was away with her fancy man/lady the night before Mr Luxe had arranged and called off a birthday brunch for his princess after she failed to appear. It was after this that the Luxe’s seemingly perfect marriage started showing up on Instagram along with a lot more Chanel and Cartier.

The Manor House

Well there is no Manor House
Horsham Heights (HH) is a 2 bed flat situated within lush grounds in Horsham shared by a number of other flats.

She claims herself and John bought the property together shortly after they met but it’s been proven there were no flats sold around this time so most likely owned by John himself and he moved her in.

Fellow tattler @Jasmine is Johns ex wife who has confirmed much of the above.

Previously.... The old and the grubby (avec nouveau fringe) bobbed on a plane to relocate stay in le Bristol during the continuing pandemic but it's ok as apparently it's a "business opportunity". Not sure what the biz is. Seen 3 shit coats that even Ali Express don't appear to be stocking and a diarrhoea coloured A/W dress that you wouldn't be buried in let alone be seen alive in even in the dark, winter months when you're not going anywhere because of a PANDEMIC but anyway ...

When not on "business" goes to the same restaurants, drinks the same wine, takes pictures of the same food with the same shit comments, the same car trips, to the same places, to take the same pictures of the same shit clothes in a different colour. YAWNNNNN-A.

Released a godawful SKY AD reel and promoted her 0.1 millisecond silent extra part in Riviera to "paid in Rose" acting work and more reels are appearing that seem to be fuelled by day drinking as it can be the only reason for the off the scale levels of cringe.

Finally got her (wrong) Hermes bag and now wants the "real deal". Who really knows how they got the bag, if OMR really went to the store or if it was delivered to the hotel and how much was paid for the bag but we can be sure the repayment to OMR was far "more spenny".

Not content (is she ever??) with staying in a hotel in the centre of Paris, ol' Yawna decided to photoshop the Eiffel Tower into her breakfast pictures because ... well who knows why ... but anyone brave enough to mention it in the comments found their comments also photoshopped via the delete button - wonder why

Hopefully, this covers everything but on a personal note, I'd just like to say I hope she'll fuck off soon and quarantine herself in an underground bunker on the moon or something.

If she's still here in December, nevermind COVID, that'll be my fucking Christmas ruined. Cunt.

Continuez s'il vous plaît

Hi all - just “bobbing on” for a few updates - we’ve continued submitting all of your screenshots as part of the case we have open with the ASA. All of the evidence is helping to support our claim that these are in fact Ads for ITS and she’s responsible for claiming them as such. From what we were told last week, they are now investigating the contract between her and ITS to understand the commercial structure of it. We likely won’t get details of that private contract, but they’re due to come back to us with an answer on the next step forward.
We’ve also contacted Parisienne authorities to let them know that Le Bristol has allowed a constantly-traveling “influencer” to wander around their hotel WITHOUT a mask to take photos - when it is in fact a fined offense to be indoors without a mask regardless of who you think you are. We sent photos to the French police (you all with your screenshots are just EPIC!), the response from the hotel, and a summary of her previous outings in London prior to coming to Paris. We recommended a fine for every photo (135 Euros each). They’ve come back to us this morning and said “A case has been opened with an active investigation.” (Translated from French of course... I think we mentioned before, one of us is fluent - thank goodness!) We think the hotel will likely get a good slap too (as they should).
And last but not least gorgeous Tattler’s - we’re working hard on putting together a case against ITS from an environmental standpoint. (It’s more than just ITS, it’s a lot of these fast-fashion houses that just create landfill nonsense, but all the same, ITS is at the top of the list! We’re working in conjunction with the Environmental Audit Committee) We’ll update you when we’ve filed the case. Have a gorgeous Monday - we’ll keep it up with the legal end!

Also - I think we unnecessarily alarmed people... we’re not going to shut down the account right away, but we definitely underestimated the amount of content everyone would be sending. It’s truly amazing. So many stories about women who believed all of her lies, women who were struggling with body dysmorphia issues, even one husband who reached out saying his wife had gotten obsessed with her lifestyle and he used the account to set the record straight. (I mean, it made us desperately sad there were so many impressionable people out there....) we like to look into each one before posting (as much as we can) so we don’t post anything false and it takes more time than we thought. We’re going to keep up the account a bit longer because we think we’re finally making traction. We’ve been in touch with the ASA (UK advert standards) and good thing we’re lawyers because we’re making our case for all of her ITS posting, her non-disclosed gifts, etc. We’re asking for punitive financial charges so she has to pay a fine because of the misleading nature of the posts and the fact that she profited off the ITS posts. (Those legal degrees really comin in handy). We also explored trying to represent Terry Towelling in the design theft but unfortunately our jurisdiction wouldn’t allow us to represent an Australian based company Lovely women there though - ANYWAY - we are rambling. We’ll keep the account until we get more concrete reactions. (Also, we think we really got to her personally ha - noticed those posts are wayyyyyy down... hope you’re all having a wonderful Tuesday - you all have been the best support and we can’t thank you enough!

Well hey everyone!

November was a good month for Lorna. It was all about her. Her favourite kind of month.

She’s now fully immersed in concrete car park living & the Ghost House was featured on a tele programme with Abbey Clancy. Shag only knows how Lorna was invited to participate in the programme alongside other women who possess taste, style and class. We can only assume it’s something to do with current bestie-super-sketcher Charley. He seems to have fingers in many an influencer pie.
Highlights of the show ( aside from AC’s repulsion) were Lorna’s lack of chin, her natural size, that ridiculous absolutely fucking gigantic blazer, the thoroughly awful flammable pink sofa covers, and the foetid green mould growing up the stairs. Her hair looked horrific. A family of Pygmy’s might even have been living in those manky extensions.

There is perfume on display in the cinema room giving Amsterdam knocking shop vibes. The floors look like they’ve been lifted from a public pissoir and the bathroom seems only to be missing a glory hole.
There was erratic dropping of the h’s to seem relatable. ( didn’t work).
Summary, The Ghost House is a soulless, random box in suburbia. A brutal embarrassment that’s nothing but an ego trip.

John has been dressing up in her WOS clothes. Weird for anyone, let alone a geriatric.

In happier news, John was given the “All clear” in early November after his treatment.

Lorna strung people along for engagement and talked about “ scanxiety” recognising this as something to monetise, an opportunity to sell sell sell, segueing from cancer to affiliate links in 15 seconds flat. No sooner had he been given the all clear, she was back to making it all about Lorna and promptly dragged him off to shoot some WOS shit.

All aboard the Ali-G express to Paris!

The full compliment of cling-ons were in attendance, the gakked up gays , Jeffrey Dahmer and Billie Piper, all of whom were sniffing ket in an apartment courtesy of WOS.

The Luxes stayed in the Ritz. Obvs.
Lorna wore an Uber chavvy Dior anorak .. bread crumbing for what was later to come…



We have learned from the WOS launches (which seemingly happen most weeks) is that she’s doing exactly what she did at ITS. Except now she’s charging obscene amounts for a “cashmere blend” ( mainly acrylic) and 100% poly-sparkly shit that no one will EVER wear twice.

The TITS particularly loved WOS pre-warning the consumer as to how shit the clothes are by way of the descriptive top tip: “use a bobble to refresh your Delphine joggers" ( Aka - these expensive joggers ARE going to bobble, you absolute twats! But buy them anyways!)

No sooner were they back from Paris, they headed to the Maldives for 2 whole weeks but Lorna had to pretend it was 3. Week 1 was at the Ritz Carlton Maldives and week 2 was somewhere they’ve been before. It rained most of the time they were there, so Lorna recycled the same images day in day out.

They did have some fun though, as they met up with some great friends whilst at the Ritz Carlton Maldives. Memory Chasers extraordinaire- Trevor and Simon.

They appear to be 2 Middle Aged swingers living out some weird fantasy “ travel blogger” lifestyle, whilst in reality they look more suited to the sticky floors of the local WMC.

Lorna decided to tell the world about Johns unfortunate gastric issues that he experienced for 2 hours on the flight which was completely unnecessary, but useful when flogging the WOS DIOR RIP OFF kagool ! Wow. Who saw that coming?
She modelled a Gucci nightie on the beach as she did exactly 2 years before. And she wrote the same text about not coming this far to come this far.

She also pretended she was 6ft a few times and got a little bit rosé-happy with the leg stretching capability on FaceApp.

She wore a black dress on the beach and posed like an absolute CLOWN.

Then it was announced very suddenly that John had received an urgent call from his surgeon after a recent scan. Followed by SILENCE.

Queen Baby, the master of manipulation.

Turns out it wasn’t such bad news after all- but John will require further surgery for which Lorna will almost definitely deserve another holiday and a few more handbags.

WOS candles have been handed out to all and sundry, but there are plenty left if you want to spank £45 on a candle that has the rancid stench of damp, concrete , cigarettes and fake tan.

So the Luxes are back in the Ghost House hankering down for Xmas , rapidly approaching Lorna’s yearly week of manic depression. We might also expect comedic sketches about the movement of baubles, oversized turkeys and a billion affiliate ad links for gifts she’s definitely not buying, for friends she absolutely doesn’t have. There will also be a Xmas trip to SohoFarmhouse
And last but not least… the Chanel handbag giveaway is back..Lorna Luxe. Buying followers with fake giveaways since 2018.



Happy Christmas everyone.

Okay. So, an unusual summary, due to Loony going completely AWOL prior to Xmas. Aside from announcing 2 giveaways, ( we’ll come back to those..), Lorna went missing mid December, after a short trip to Chiltern Firehouse.
After the first few days of silence, she bobbed back on to stories ( without showing her face) and declared “ I’m alive!”
By way of validating said life, she posted an old picture from 2 years ago, on to her grid. Sadly the picture had been so badly filtered, the faceapp filtered hair had attached itself to a neighbouring tree. But never mind. Who cares about attention to detail.

Further silence followed. No shilling over Xmas, no seasonal wishes or thanks to the impressionable Fawnas that support her various addictions & ITS monstrosities. And even stranger, no gift based gloating.
No revival at New Year either!

Wow. The TIT’s were really confused. The Fawna’s were frantic and began posting in their droves
“ How are you ?” “ Is John okay?! “ Hope Boo is well!”

To which Lorna replied ;

“ Ahh, Thanks darling xx”

To pretty much every single one.

Obviously this lengthy, Insta-engagement exercise took significantly more time than it would have done to simply concoct a brief statement announcing that she would be taking a break over Xmas.
The sceptics amongst us might have thought that disappearing without explanation would be more lucrative. Not to mention the inevitable come back..( which could coincide with a new collection ?) It’s like we’re psychic.

But one of Instagram’s greatest narcissists doesn’t just go missing! She needs the adoration, validation and most importantly the £££.
So what was it?
Surgery / fillers gone wrong?
Had OMR finally grown some balls in those resplendent yellow shorts and fled to find someone that shares his own love language? Was there trouble in the Luxe-camp?
Or.. could it be mental illness?
Covid ??
The dog ?

By way of context, prior to “The Great Disappearance” Loony had a significant competition underway. “Her and John” were giving away a brand new Chanel Trendy from the Paris store.

Now, there’s been quite a few of these giveaways ( of which Lorna can gain up to 200k followers each time.. ) so some might say it’s worth the outlay given what she will gain in return… it’s far from a selfless deed. However, only one winner ever has shown proof. Absolutely no sign of any others. Same for the Dior. And the Gucci. And the Celine… And the Manolo’s… And the Hermes...

So, prior to Xmas, the Chanel Bag winner was announced. (Incidentally the winner hadn’t even liked the original competition post which was a requirement of the competition). Unsurprisingly the winner immediately switched her account to private and to date there has been no sign of the winning bag. Was the prolonged absence an excuse not to send the bag? Was the bag even sent? Was there even a bag? All we do know is that Lorna’s followers went from 1.2- 1.4 million.
Draw your own conclusions!


On the 9th January Lorna finally reappeared, sitting in the Bentley with the standard set of miscellaneous vermin attached to her head. She was seemingly hiding behind a big jumper & filtered to the max. She said she’d been a “bit poorly” and did a bit of a sad face betwixt the gurning and exaggerated swallowing.

On 11 January, she posted stories of Boo on her bed, shilled some bed linen and clothes racks for her hall, and showed images of their revamped bedroom.

On 12 January she announced that their poor little dog Boo had died.

3 days later, she’s much better , needs to keep busy & is off to London, to shoot her next ITS collection of “jewel-toned, furry, flammable filth”. But don’t worry, it feels expensive.

She posted a picture at Scott’s where she claimed she was treating John to a nice lunch. However the picture was old, as the Xmas decorations were still up in neighbouring Creed. A new TIT questioned her about this and was immediately blocked.

Queen Baby is back.

RIP Boo.

June already! I had to try and keep awake whilst thinking about how to summarise May, but that's what tedium does to you. So, May started off with a Sonder stay in Covent Garden. Same old, same old...

She then went onto Amazon and ordered herself a pair of dressmaking shears, and displayed them on the table with some florally tat from AliExpress, and claimed to have gone to the Sonder apartment to 'work on her designs'. Yes, dear, pull the other one; it's got bells on.

But, wait! The Sonder stay lasted longer than we were meant to believe, so in order to make us (and the fawnas) think she was back at home, she popped off down to the shops and bought herself a roll of vivid pink wallpaper. Karl Lagerfeld told her personally that pink is the most flattering colour, so that was what she went for. Pink wallpaper, I hear you ask. Yes, it was so that she could tape it up on a wall and then sit in front of it to do her makeup tutorials, so that we wouldn't see the Sonder and/or London hotel decor behind her. Obvs!!

Having spent many uncomfortable hours watching Bridgerton during the colder months, Yawna decided to take inspiration from the costume design and launch a new range of florally, rutched, billowy-sleeved, boned-and-corseted landfill that nobody in their right mind would be buried in, let alone wear in public. Personally, I think she should have used the dressmaking shears to cut the whole lot to shreds (and possibly send them via DHL courier to Frisby), but I'm a baker not a fashion guru, so my opinion counts for very little.

They eventually arrived back in Horsham (which is good, because the sheep was starting to take itself on walks), just in time for Yawna to take delivery of the commissioned artwork. Having told us they had both chosen it, she then expressed concern that 'she hopes John likes it'. I think perhaps John suffers from a form of dementia. Anyway, the artwork turned out to be some splats of paint on a canvas, which looked remarkably like a copy of another artist's work. But Lorna is the Queen of Copy, so quelle surprise!

It was then time to get her eyebrows microbladed. Having been told she must not get them wet under any circumstances (?), she gave us a demo with some plastic visor and face masks she had bought on Amazon, which was rather alarming to see. The good thing is that the microblading has saved her summer, as at least her eyebrow pencil won't run into the hotel pool when they go to Butlins on holiday, which is about the only place you can go without a PCR test first. While we're talking about freebies, she also went and had her ears pierced at a Notting Hill salon, where she was a very brave girl and didn't cry once. Because she was so courageous and fearless, the nice lady in the salon gave her a lollipop and a sticker when they left, and John took her for a nice glass of wine.

I almost forgot the hair. She bobbed on one Sunday to show us how shiny her hair was. Picture attached below for those who need reminding. She also launched some nappy shorts, a dress that looked like a graduation gown, and a boned dress which is probably about as close to boning as John gets (sorry ). She also decided to curl her hair extensions, and ended up looking like she'd just woken up after a rough night. Coincidentally, she launched some granny nightie-type dresses as the same time, and then drove to Notting Hill to creep around people's houses wearing them (looking like the lovechild of Wee Willie Winkie and Scrooge on Christmas Eve), so all was well in the world.

Lorna's big moment in life then came in the form of a collaboration with MAC. Realistically, she didn't do much at all. It was all existing MAC products, and they embossed her name in some illegible font onto the lipstick. The selected products were then packaged in a pleather pouch which you could then use as a handbag on a night out. I keep searching for the MAC 'handbag' on the table when she goes to Seen in Lisbon, but so far I have only seen a pink nappy bag. Anyway, Yawna got her chauffeur to drive her to Selfridges for the big launch day, and loads of Insta people were sent free goodie bags, but I think it's fair to say we've not heard Yawna mention MAC even once since then. Perhaps people are still trying to decipher the font. Who?

So, with a vurrrrry exciting trip to Portugal coming up, Yawna went all the way up to Warrington to pay someone to help her look more like a hooker than she already does. She sat for hours whilst the nice man attached a load of rats tails to her existing hair, so that her "hair" was now down to her waist. Obviously Annabel at Philip Kingsley was looking on in approval. Within three days the rats tails were looking like roadkill, but that's par for the course. Lorna never seems to have any 'crew hacks' on how to style hair. Lots about eyeliner, but none about hair... Anyway, the hair then caused great consternation when she didn't know if she should pack it in her luggage or wear it on the plane. Personally, I'd have loved to be at the airport if they chose her suitacse for a random check, and opened it up to find a dead animal crammed inside. Sadly, we weren't that lucky.

So, Lisbon day arrived and off they went. John was very helpful and booked the AirBnB. He didn't know how to use the app, so he had to email the lady and ask if their dayes were available. He also saw all the apartment pictures online, but somehow didn't know there was a 'secret' bathroom behind the door, even though it was the ONLY bathroom in the apartment (refer to what I wrote above about dementia...) Dim John also didn't realise there was no television in the apartment, so they have resorted to streaming films via John's laptop. I've never been to Lisbon, and I've really enjoyed Lorna's travelogue. I've seen the outside of the police station, the square outside their apartment, the door on the street outside their apartment, and two restaurants. If ITS ever drop Lorna, she should go and work for Conde Nast.

I'll leave it there, but I thought I'd make a little activity for us, seeing as Yawna is so boring. Link below to an online bingo card. Just click on the link and cross off the squares when relevant. It's anonymous, so we won't know who's won, but perhaps the lucky TIT can announce herself and we can arrange some nappy shorts and a bottle of Whispering Angel as a prize. Have fun! https://mfbc.us/m/yt3cret

Hi everyone, another long time reader here. I thought now that Lorna has directed conversation towards this new bag I'd finally sign up as I wanted to quickly share that I have it on good authority that Lorna was caught cheating, again, on the old sod late last year. I can't share too much of the ins and outs unfortunately as we work in the same industry, and Lorna will know who I am. But yeah, she gloats and she has form.

Oh and that Kelly? A peace offering. A stay with me. A you hold the cards.

Thread title:

Pointless trip to Paris, no mask in sight, trying to flog loads of flammable shite

New thread title from @Rogue1 - keeping it simple and straight to the point.

Roundup:

Lorna is now three holidays deep since July despite there being a global pandemic. She hasn’t paid for a single one herself and on all of them she doesn’t move from the hotel which is quite remarkable. In Greece we had the unveiling of tens of thousands of pounds worth of boastful gifts including a vintage Rolex that she’s peddling as brand new. Not forgetting the £3,600 Chanel jumper and £1,000 Chanel clomper trainers she bought on the way to Venice.

She’s attracted the attention of a couple of lawyers who appear to have created an Instagram account which highlights all of her misdemeanours, but be careful as she will go a-blocking anyone who dares follow it.
To this end she’s now mentioning the odd “ad” or “gifted” but not really anywhere near what she should.

She’s currently obsessed with a website called Sonder that lets you book overpriced nouveau riche apartments in London with awful decor. We know the first stay was gifted and she flapped it at the end of the stay and declared it an ad because she’d been given one night’s free stay. Yeah right. At the moment she’s back in London in an equally bland apartment which is being paid for by everyone’s favourite idiot, Frisby at In the Shite. Of course she’s only ever eating out at Cecconis but will happily order in every night from London’s nicest restaurants for the novelty. Of course, why wouldn’t you want to eat it out of bio degradable packing for the same price rather than pay the same for the full service

We expect to see some more more Splurging while she’s in London, despite the fact that one human couldn’t possibly need any more stuff while their two bed room flat in the back end of fucking nowhere hasn’t even got radiators in most of the rooms.

Please tell me it's not just me...

People need to stop coming on Tattle (not just this thread) saying they have tea to share but they can’t share it. What’s the point!?

I feel so sorry for John. I understand he’s enabled her - but all I can think about is if I had just major cancer surgery and the day after I got home, my partner went out on the piss, I’d be heartbroken. She should be waiting on him hand and foot. There wouldn’t be ANYTHING that could drag me away from my partner if that was him. It’s really quite awful

PT32 said:

Welcome to the a-blocked club

Click to expand...

I told her I was a new follower and could she please tell me who the lady in her grid photos was. Was it her younger sister...

That sofa is a hot mess

Let’s simmer down please and the jabs discussion is for another thread.
his diagnosis is serious.My father in law did not fair well with that.
BTW - I’m sitting at my fathers bedside right now waiting for the funeral home to come get him. He died two hours ago. Dementia.

be nice to each other. Life is short.

I was going to do LL "fuck it" highlight of the year but to be honest she's fucked over so much it was far to epic to write. Instead I've done a 12 Days of Lorna

Here we go now in the tune of 12 Days of Christmas........

On the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me: A Get Ready With Me storeeeeeee

Then go through the rest till 12 days (won't type it out - too short )


On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love sent to me: ........

Twelve In The Shite droppings
Eleven Hiyyyyaaaaa how you doings
Ten game changing foundations
Nine reoccurring ways to wrap a cardy
Eight shopping bags on rails a hanging
Seven “Ask us anything”
Six Bond Street bins exhibited

......Five crotch shot zoom in’s

Four hotels pandemic stays
Three miracle hair growths
Two Eiffel towers floating


and a GRMW storeeeeeeees


Happy Christmas everyone, stay safe and thanks to all those that have contributed this year. May many more LL fuck up's happen next year to keep us entertained