jake quickenden : Most liked Posts

The Quickenden thing keeps making me laugh any time it gets mentioned here so I'm putting in a ridiculously early thread title suggestion.

#31 Lord Farquaad, do you take Quickenden Jake Quickenden to be your awful wedded husband?

He's become quite the nomad, hasn't he? Living in an airbnb paid for by Zelda, now couch surfing in a grifted penthouse for a couple of nights, few (also grifted?) nights at Centre Parcs, back to the airbnb, then hotels on the Wham tour. I'd hate living like that.

Thread title suggestion

Jake Quickenden #143 No fixed address.

If they are Pregnant I am tapping out...... I have just been through IVF treatment and we lost bubba last week. I don't think I can watch these two fuckwits have another baby...... they don't deserve the ones they already have!

Early thread suggestion
Jake Quickenden …his neck, his back he’s a useless old ball sack

I have a confession........ it was ME
Did it so Turkey chops couldn't

Still broke, still a joke, still on coke, go give ya cat a stroke.

She's off her rocker. 'Posh n' Becks?'

Jack Quickenden..not Sophes choice.....

omg. Actually pathetic. How embarrassing that he’s pretended she wasn’t there. That will be deleted in 3,2,1…

We Knew it.

I believe you're looking for this! my first ever post and it still makes me howl when I watch it!

PrincessJeanie said:

Just read it was the 15th June last year, they announced the official line up for ‘celebrity’ Masterchef, so don’t reckon we’ll have long to wait, for the worlds worst kept secret to be confirmed I bet his mood will pick up then, knowing he can use it for content and that he’ll be on primetime TV soon I wonder if he mentions his dead dad and brother in it? Pretty sure he’s never appeared on anything without bringing them up 🥱
Are we doing a bingo for Fathers Day?

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I'm picturing the scene -

Greg Wallace to John Torode - *whispering* "Why's that dickhead taken his top off?"
John Torode - "Fuck knows, mate, but I can smell him from here"

GW - "Well, Jake, what have you made today and why did you choose this particular recipe?"
JQ - " I'm making herby creamy tomto chicken penne and..."
JT (interrupting) - "Is that an empty HelloFresh box in the bin?"
JQ (pouting) - "No. Anyway, mate, as I was saying, I made this peng dish today because my dad died and he really liked chicken. And pasta."
GW - "Oh I'm sorry to hear your father passed away, this must be a difficult time for you"
JQ - "To be honest bruv he died in 2008, I'm doing it for my dead brother mostly though"
JT - "Oh that's terrible, Jake, when did your brother pass?"
JQ - "Twelve years ago bruv. He liked chicken too. I think he liked pasta, can't really remember"

JT and GW exchange glances.

GW - "This is an interesting garnish, Jake, can you talk us through it?"
JQ - "They're CBD gummies bruv, so you chillax while you eat your chicken. Clever, ent it? Use my code JAKE50 for fifty percent off..."
JT - " Jake this is the BBC, advertising isn't allowed"
JQ - " Well that's pretty shit isn't it? Not fair, don't give me grief, I've even had fucking MASTERCHEF 2024 WINNER tattooed on me already, can't you make an exception for me bro?"
GW - "Please stop swearing!"

* some time later*

JT - "We're really impressed with what you've all created here but unfortunately someone will be going home today. That person is.....Jake"

*audible sigh of relief in studio from contestants and crew*

Cameraman to production runner *whispers* "Thank fuck for that, he fucking stinks and those turkey teef keep causing a glare when I'm filming"

JQ - "That's not fucking right, bruv! Why you booting me off? You paid me to do this, you gotta get your money's worth mate! What if I gave you all my HelloFresh discount codes? Or a blow job?"

Production Manager (on walkie talkie) - "Security to studio 5, please. Immediately"

Sorry (not sorry!!) I couldn't resist

I'm sorry, but once I separated from my 1st husband, I wouldn't have gone to the end of the fucking road with him, let alone a wedding abroad.
She'll never shake this arse barnacle off ....

Can we take a moment to appreciate the perfect placement of the witches hat on my Sue pollard avatar

bluecups said:

The “artwork” over their bed just sums these boring cunts up to a tee - bland, dull, blank, pretentious, unimaginative.

A fucking plain white canvas.
WTF.

View attachment 1463252

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Oh no, not another blank canvas! Too tempting!!

The winner gets front row tickets to his new show, a meet and greet and VIP tickets to the Panto!

Perfect!

JQ#18 Thread Suggestion...
Jake's an ick, always sick, million bots, but still a pri@k....