hooplifehero
Chatty Member
Now on BBC 1, the second, inevitably disappointing episode of our Sunday serialisation of the classic comedy of manners
Miss Monroe's intimacy at Highbury was soon a settled thing, as the newcomer wedged herself into the familiar society of the village. 'She is always the first to arrive at a ball, and yet the last to leave!' lamented Mr Woodhouse, 'and yet she suffers so with the gout, with indigestion, with every ill humour known to Man, and she will not go to Mr Perry for she claims she knows better than any doctor. I do worry for her, Emma,' fretted her kind-hearted father.
'I am sure Miss Monroe knows best, that is to be sure,' was Emma's considered reply.
'Do you know, Emma, she hit her head on a bathroom-tap, and fell so heavily that she was concussed for a full twelve hours?'
'I did hear her recount that story,' Emma replied merrily. 'And yet she was at our home for Sunday dinner not two hours after her fall, so the damage cannot have been so great.' She did not add that the bandage Miss Monroe wore on her forehead, stained a striking crimson that attracted the sympathy of every other guest, had the distinct fragrance of strawberry jam.
Yes, Miss Monroe was now very much a part of Highbury company, Emma reflected with a ghost of a sigh -- and yet she was nevertheless surprized to see the new neighbour as she set off, one clear and fresh morning in the New-Year, to dispense charity among the poorer families of the district.
'Miss Monroe,' she declared, curtseying. Miss Monroe raised a hand with a gesture rather like a farmer hailing a carriage.
'Hi, Emma,' she cried.
Emma froze and for a few moments wondered genuinely whether one of the local tradesmen's daughters had appeared behind her, and had the fortune of sharing that name. But Miss Monroe was staring directly at her, and seemed to be addressing her. A ragged mother and daughter were in full earshot. Really, this was intolerable. But what could Emma do except bear the insult with grace?
'Indeed, it is I, Miss Woodhouse,' she corrected gently but clearly, so that the poor villagers would hear, and not be led astray. 'And I see you are kindly donating...' She trailed off, eyeing what looked like the kind of barrel found behind an inn, or perhaps in a stables, which appeared to be full of bubbling mud.
'Warming chick-pea and daffodil stew,' Miss Monroe smiled gaily, dipping a rusty spoon into the mixture and ladling it into the cupped hands of the poor mother, who tried to raise the liquid to her lips, but found much of it dripping onto her dull and tattered clothes, and looked relieved that there was far less of it remaining to eat. 'Cost, only a ha'penny, and ten hours of my time, but it's served with Love, and eaten with Smiles and Warmth.'
'Is she not remarkable?' declared a man's voice from inside the dwelling, and Mr Elton emerged, his face wreathed in smiles. Emma curtseyed and agreed that Miss Monroe was indeed remarkable, although perhaps not quite in the way that Mr Elton had intended. Indeed, she was dressed in a ragged costume herself, as if performing as a beggar in a theatrical play - her hands dirty, with soil streaked under her cheek-bones and sailor's trousers under a thick tunic; and yet the scarf that covered her shiny dark hair was of a fine material, and strikingly familiar.
'I do so admire your... scarf,' Emma managed, as Miss Monroe spooned the lumpy gruel directly into the mouth of the unfortunate pauper girl before her. 'Indeed, I believe Miss Jane Fairfax has one very similar.' If not the same, she added to herself, for the pattern was identical.
'Found it in a muddy puddle!' Miss Monroe exclaimed. 'I am poor myself, ship-mate, but I gives what I can to those with less.'
'She does so much,' Mr Elton beamed, taking a bag of jangling coins from his own vestment and tucking it into Miss Monroe's ample pocket. 'You must, Miss Monroe. You must take it. I'll brook no refusal.'
Emma noted no attempt at refusal, as Miss Monroe shook the bag deftly and dropped it into her garment, where it seemed to clatter as though she was already laden with similar treasures.
'Such a rare creature,' Mr Elton confided as Miss Monroe strode past them.
'Most rare,' Emma was able to agree.
'Miss Woodhouse.' Mr Elton took her arm, and Emma gave a start. 'I know that you have quite the talent at drawing. I have seen your portraits at the home of Mrs Weston.'
'You are too kind,' murmured Emma, 'for I have enthusiasm, and too little talent.'
'No, to the contrary,' Mr Elton enthused. 'You capture beauty to the life. And it is for that reason, I beseech you, Miss Woodhouse... would you draw the divine Miss Monroe, to preserve her likeness?'
Close on EMMA's startled expression, then BLACK
THEME MUSIC!
END OF PART TWO!
Miss Monroe's intimacy at Highbury was soon a settled thing, as the newcomer wedged herself into the familiar society of the village. 'She is always the first to arrive at a ball, and yet the last to leave!' lamented Mr Woodhouse, 'and yet she suffers so with the gout, with indigestion, with every ill humour known to Man, and she will not go to Mr Perry for she claims she knows better than any doctor. I do worry for her, Emma,' fretted her kind-hearted father.
'I am sure Miss Monroe knows best, that is to be sure,' was Emma's considered reply.
'Do you know, Emma, she hit her head on a bathroom-tap, and fell so heavily that she was concussed for a full twelve hours?'
'I did hear her recount that story,' Emma replied merrily. 'And yet she was at our home for Sunday dinner not two hours after her fall, so the damage cannot have been so great.' She did not add that the bandage Miss Monroe wore on her forehead, stained a striking crimson that attracted the sympathy of every other guest, had the distinct fragrance of strawberry jam.
Yes, Miss Monroe was now very much a part of Highbury company, Emma reflected with a ghost of a sigh -- and yet she was nevertheless surprized to see the new neighbour as she set off, one clear and fresh morning in the New-Year, to dispense charity among the poorer families of the district.
'Miss Monroe,' she declared, curtseying. Miss Monroe raised a hand with a gesture rather like a farmer hailing a carriage.
'Hi, Emma,' she cried.
Emma froze and for a few moments wondered genuinely whether one of the local tradesmen's daughters had appeared behind her, and had the fortune of sharing that name. But Miss Monroe was staring directly at her, and seemed to be addressing her. A ragged mother and daughter were in full earshot. Really, this was intolerable. But what could Emma do except bear the insult with grace?
'Indeed, it is I, Miss Woodhouse,' she corrected gently but clearly, so that the poor villagers would hear, and not be led astray. 'And I see you are kindly donating...' She trailed off, eyeing what looked like the kind of barrel found behind an inn, or perhaps in a stables, which appeared to be full of bubbling mud.
'Warming chick-pea and daffodil stew,' Miss Monroe smiled gaily, dipping a rusty spoon into the mixture and ladling it into the cupped hands of the poor mother, who tried to raise the liquid to her lips, but found much of it dripping onto her dull and tattered clothes, and looked relieved that there was far less of it remaining to eat. 'Cost, only a ha'penny, and ten hours of my time, but it's served with Love, and eaten with Smiles and Warmth.'
'Is she not remarkable?' declared a man's voice from inside the dwelling, and Mr Elton emerged, his face wreathed in smiles. Emma curtseyed and agreed that Miss Monroe was indeed remarkable, although perhaps not quite in the way that Mr Elton had intended. Indeed, she was dressed in a ragged costume herself, as if performing as a beggar in a theatrical play - her hands dirty, with soil streaked under her cheek-bones and sailor's trousers under a thick tunic; and yet the scarf that covered her shiny dark hair was of a fine material, and strikingly familiar.
'I do so admire your... scarf,' Emma managed, as Miss Monroe spooned the lumpy gruel directly into the mouth of the unfortunate pauper girl before her. 'Indeed, I believe Miss Jane Fairfax has one very similar.' If not the same, she added to herself, for the pattern was identical.
'Found it in a muddy puddle!' Miss Monroe exclaimed. 'I am poor myself, ship-mate, but I gives what I can to those with less.'
'She does so much,' Mr Elton beamed, taking a bag of jangling coins from his own vestment and tucking it into Miss Monroe's ample pocket. 'You must, Miss Monroe. You must take it. I'll brook no refusal.'
Emma noted no attempt at refusal, as Miss Monroe shook the bag deftly and dropped it into her garment, where it seemed to clatter as though she was already laden with similar treasures.
'Such a rare creature,' Mr Elton confided as Miss Monroe strode past them.
'Most rare,' Emma was able to agree.
'Miss Woodhouse.' Mr Elton took her arm, and Emma gave a start. 'I know that you have quite the talent at drawing. I have seen your portraits at the home of Mrs Weston.'
'You are too kind,' murmured Emma, 'for I have enthusiasm, and too little talent.'
'No, to the contrary,' Mr Elton enthused. 'You capture beauty to the life. And it is for that reason, I beseech you, Miss Woodhouse... would you draw the divine Miss Monroe, to preserve her likeness?'
Close on EMMA's startled expression, then BLACK
THEME MUSIC!
END OF PART TWO!
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PeepholePringle
Active member
A bath tub *full* of coins, yes?
Can someone save this to media please? It'll probably go poof before long.
Can someone save this to media please? It'll probably go poof before long.
jenny2603
VIP Member
Oh God, you're right. Her last three relationships all ended under a Tory government.
Marj24
VIP Member
I lost a son at ten to leukaemia. I have long been infuriated by how she treats her son when she is so lucky to have a healthy son. I also feel for those who have not be able to have a family to have to witness this crass behaviour
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Mod edit, I hate to butt in on a sensive post. But it might be best to leave a reaction rather than quoting to send a few words of your condolences. Thanks
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Awfully Molly
New member
Okay this made me laugh so here's a bit of tea that shouldn't give anyone's identity away! (Yes I realise I am now just like Jack saying I'm not sticking around and then, in fact, sticking around.)
Re. DKL - Yep, Matt couldn't stand her once they started working together, but he wasn't even keen on the idea to start with. Another SK regular who is friends with Matt (but who wasn't on DKL) complained and said Jack's whole thing felt 'off', but for whatever reason the producers went ahead with the choice. It caused them a major headache - she was specifically asked to stop picking arguments on social media but ignored them. It also wound the crew up that she'd claim the show and prep was taking her ludicrous hours every day, which made them look like they were breaking all sorts of rules. Obviously it was nothing like the hours she claimed. Source said (verified on Twitter, but sent this by DM early hours of a Saturday morning so I suspect they may have regretted it!) that it was made very clear to Jack that she wasn't doing the prep she should and wasn't behaving in a professional manner but she ignored it. Their theory is that she must have known there was no chance of the production crew or Matt wanting to work with her again, but she chose to spin it as a big success on social media. In terms of industry insiders calling her out - one publisher has been speaking out against her for years after they asked her to contribute a recipe for a charity cookbook. Jack said yes then ignored all further contact, until finally the publisher got back a response along the lines of Jack's Kickstarter and Patreon excuses, e.g. please stop hassling me it's very bad for my mental health, I've had a very hard time etc. There was also some incident I don't know the details of with a BBC Good Food demo and they now won't touch her for anything live. Oh and also a photographer who worked with Jack on a few different media things said she'd have a new designer something every time they saw her and it was always 'oh a friend treated me' or 'I bought this with my book advance' etc.
Oh finally someone who Jack seems to think is her pal on Twitter used to contact me all the time about her and wanted to help me to create a podcast. It almost makes me feel bad for her when I see her interact with them.
I will obviously sell out anyone's and everyone's confidentiality if anyone can dish the truth about Dordrecht.
mod edit: removing unnecessary in-line spoiler
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Moneypenny’sfreedom
Well-known member
Snigger
BenignNarcissist
Well-known member
Well well well
Attachments
pleaserefundme
New member
Hello Tattlers. I’ve been lurking here since the HH2 blogpost. It seemed so unbelievable. I’m here to say thank you for making me laugh more than I can remember. The Jacktionary is a work of genius. (Although the grift itself is no laughing matter.)
I was out with colleagues the other day and it turned out two had already been down the JM rabbit hole. Others are now burrowing. Because of what I do for a living, and certain questions I’ve asked others, I can say with some authority that much more beyond the BAR podcast is already in the pipeline. You won’t be waiting long for more coverage.
I was out with colleagues the other day and it turned out two had already been down the JM rabbit hole. Others are now burrowing. Because of what I do for a living, and certain questions I’ve asked others, I can say with some authority that much more beyond the BAR podcast is already in the pipeline. You won’t be waiting long for more coverage.
DeviledSmeggs
Active member
I’m not good at photo editing, but I’m bored today so I made this. Go well x
colouredlines
VIP Member
I ranked the most common Jack personalities from worst to best.
GRIFTER JACK: The worst Jack, bar none. TBH it's hard to say anything funny about a rich person conning the poor. Habitat: knee-deep in the Asda bargain bin.
VICTIM JACK: Life is hard when you're a non-binary autistic alcoholic ouchy-mouthed arthritic tattooed vegan lesbian single mother 2nd generation immigrant with ADHD currently lying halfway under a train. Habitat: on top of any passing bandwagon.
PILE-ON JACK: #BeKind, you cunts. Habitat: the reading room of the British Library, vandalising David Walliams books.
ACTIVIST JACK: Changing the world, one dinosaur nap at a time. Not as actively harmful as Pile-On Jack, but three times as smug. Habitat: an undisclosed location in Whitehall, surrounded by political prisoners.
MANIC JACK: She's a singer! She's a Scot! She's a Trekkie! She loves dogs, wacky sandwich shapes, advent calendars and James Bond. And somehow, despite having more intense passions than a Jilly Cooper hero, she is still boring as fuck. Habitat: on the piano at the Groucho.
SHIT COOK JACK: The most harmlessly amusing Jack (unless you are her dinner guest, in which case call 111). Her experimental anchovy and pomegranate salad with American cheese slice sauce will leave you feeling like someone's been stroking your wrist. Habitat: inside a blender, on a sideboard.
FLOUNCING OFF TWITTER JACK: Silent Jack is the best Jack. Habitat: on a sofa, napping like a dinosaur. Or should that be a mink?
GRIFTER JACK: The worst Jack, bar none. TBH it's hard to say anything funny about a rich person conning the poor. Habitat: knee-deep in the Asda bargain bin.
VICTIM JACK: Life is hard when you're a non-binary autistic alcoholic ouchy-mouthed arthritic tattooed vegan lesbian single mother 2nd generation immigrant with ADHD currently lying halfway under a train. Habitat: on top of any passing bandwagon.
PILE-ON JACK: #BeKind, you cunts. Habitat: the reading room of the British Library, vandalising David Walliams books.
ACTIVIST JACK: Changing the world, one dinosaur nap at a time. Not as actively harmful as Pile-On Jack, but three times as smug. Habitat: an undisclosed location in Whitehall, surrounded by political prisoners.
MANIC JACK: She's a singer! She's a Scot! She's a Trekkie! She loves dogs, wacky sandwich shapes, advent calendars and James Bond. And somehow, despite having more intense passions than a Jilly Cooper hero, she is still boring as fuck. Habitat: on the piano at the Groucho.
SHIT COOK JACK: The most harmlessly amusing Jack (unless you are her dinner guest, in which case call 111). Her experimental anchovy and pomegranate salad with American cheese slice sauce will leave you feeling like someone's been stroking your wrist. Habitat: inside a blender, on a sideboard.
FLOUNCING OFF TWITTER JACK: Silent Jack is the best Jack. Habitat: on a sofa, napping like a dinosaur. Or should that be a mink?
Veronicaaa
VIP Member
LOL
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Marmalade Atkins
VIP Member
I was feeling inspired by the recent Jack artwork x
Jelly Bean
VIP Member
AndrewsDaddy
Chatty Member
Phillipa78
Chatty Member
Ah, blue squig has kindly explained their back story for us. 
hiyaaaacath
Chatty Member
To be fair to Jack, I did see an article on Martin Lewis’s website which in a nutshell said, if you can’t afford your rent or bills, then cancel all your direct debits and buy a huge pedigree dog.
.
Veronicaaa
VIP Member
HodgeSplodge
Active member
Brand new member, longtime lurker here! I joined to say I found the eBay listing for the vintage cutlery!
As you can see where Jack claims to have just purchased two sets - actually 7 were included in the listing - looks like maybe only a couple of extras were thrown in (assuming they weren't also just purchased) - plus that little Rolex spoon was already part of the bundle (as it's pictured on the original listing). And while it's true the listing was under £70 (£60 as sold), there was also £45 postage bringing the total to the sum of £105!
Cutlery sets vintage | eBay
<p dir="ltr" style="margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0;">Cutlery sets vintage all stamped can't add all stamped pictures but if need anymore pictures send me a message and will send quick return.collection preferably but can post.</p>
www.ebay.co.uk
As you can see where Jack claims to have just purchased two sets - actually 7 were included in the listing - looks like maybe only a couple of extras were thrown in (assuming they weren't also just purchased) - plus that little Rolex spoon was already part of the bundle (as it's pictured on the original listing). And while it's true the listing was under £70 (£60 as sold), there was also £45 postage bringing the total to the sum of £105!