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Currently in hospital thanks to the universe being an absolute cunt.

Long story short I found out I was pregnant last week - a happy shock as it happened way quicker than I thought it would. But due to bleeding was under the EPU. HCG was doing as it should but was scanned late this morning due to previous pregnancy history and told my left tube looked suspicious/ectopic - I asked if they could try to save the tube as it’s the only one I have left. They have had to operate as I was bleeding internally. It sounds like it’s been a mega shit day for other women too here and as such I’ve no idea the outcome of the operation yet and been moved wards due to bed shortages and feel I’m in no man’s land in a part of the hospital I don’t know - first world problems I realise.

I do recognise my privilege of already having two healthy children but I’m devastated. Always wanted three children as long as I could remember and feel the universe has already given me my fair share of shit with a previous ectopic and subsequent miscarriage (that both came laden with added trauma due to hospital shortcomings) so it feels really fucking unfair.

I’m now in that weird state of having slept off some of the anaesthetic and being a bit awake/not wanting to sleep and twiddling my thumbs. Mr Beds has left me with my kindle and headphones and has gone home to get me a battery pack for my phone and some pjs.

I got a little obsessed by the BBC show I'd Do Anything. One of the young boys was not just similar to my son, he was a doppelganger. He was raised 10 miles away from me and went to theatre school less than two miles from my home. His accent was just like my son's I never crossed a line, did not contact him, even though when he was eliminated in the late stages of the competition I nearly did. This is that boy, not my son but he is spookily similar. He still has a social media presence and seems to be doing well. It's not my son but he sure looks like it.

mr em dumped me on Sunday completely out of the blue. Said he doesn’t love me anymore. I’ve been totally pathetic since, can’t work, get out of bed, stop crying. I know it will pass in time but right now it’s SO HARD and my self worth is rock bottom. I feel like I’m just fundamentally unlovable (an ex once told me that) and I just cannot get it together. I saw no warning signs, nothing. Please tell me dating at 35+ isn’t going to be a complete nightmare. I thought mr em was my future I feel like my whole world has imploded on me

After an assessment I'm going to join what I can only hope is an actual ninny ward when a bed becomes available. By yet another incredible coincidence the woman who assessed me was wearing a pair of slopgibbon-style red plaid trousers although I doubt they were Viv (rip). I hadn't yet caught up on the MT and realised the significance. It reassures me to think that maybe she was a secret mithering ninny. Not sure when I'm going to be admitted but I'm hoping for a quality chaos so put those Russell Brands together to manifest good wi-fi

He went rapidly downhill this afternoon and I called the vet out. He went with his head in my arms being told how loved he was and with my two other ones standing close by. I miss him terribly.