Dating after lockdown #36 Have you dated a man? You may be entitled to compensation.

[tomato_paste]

This was in a book I'm reading. For context, the main character has been on a bad date, and her best friend replied with the "there's plenty more fish I the sea" platitude.

Is that from "Here's looking at you" by Mhairi McFarlane? There's a similar situation in that one where the MC is going on bad date after bad date and there's this horribly narcissistic guy who sends her email after email and is just such a horribly funny caricature of men on the apps. Recommended even though it's pretty kitsch-y, a feel good book

 

[Thank(space)you]

Is that from "Here's looking at you" by Mhairi McFarlane? There's a similar situation in that one where the MC is going on bad date after bad date and there's this horribly narcissistic guy who sends her email after email and is just such a horribly funny caricature of men on the apps. Recommended even though it's pretty kitsch-y, a feel good book

This is "Are we nearly there yet?" By Lucy Vine, but I do love chick-lit books and easy reads

 

[AshMay]

So I’ve agreed to go for a drink with the toy boy this week. He’s very persistent…and very handsome I feel like a cheap, knock off version of Sienna Miller right now.

Hot girl summer!!

 

[Captainmouse]

 

[harveydean]

Hot girl summer!!

My thoughts exactly! He’s moving at the end of the summer so it will only be a fling and a bit of fun…

Has anyone seen the movie with Anne Hathaway and the toy boy? I’m channeling her vibes!

 

[whathastheworldcometo]

My thoughts exactly! He’s moving at the end of the summer so it will only be a fling and a bit of fun…

Has anyone seen the movie with Anne Hathaway and the toy boy? I’m channeling her vibes!

I think this is good, it sounds lighthearted and joyful.

Recently I often think about how much weight is given to things like career, dating, appearance etc, when all these terrible things are happening in the world (Israel/Gaza, Russia/Ukraine, Africa, the post office trial, so many cancer diagnosis). I then feel guilty for feeling lonely or upset.

It is so good if we manage to take the heaviness out of things like dating and just have some fun. There is so much heaviness in the world already.

 

[harveydean]

I think this is good, it sounds lighthearted and joyful.

Recently I often think about how much weight is given to things like career, dating, appearance etc, when all these terrible things are happening in the world (Israel/Gaza, Russia/Ukraine, Africa, the post office trial, so many cancer diagnosis). I then feel guilty for feeling lonely or upset.

It is so good if we manage to take the heaviness out of things like dating and just have some fun. There is so much heaviness in the world already.

Funnily enough, I was having this exact conversation with my friends over wine at the weekend.

Just having fun and beautiful connections is what life is about.

Thank you for reminding me again

 

[IGiveUp22]

I think this is good, it sounds lighthearted and joyful.

Recently I often think about how much weight is given to things like career, dating, appearance etc, when all these terrible things are happening in the world (Israel/Gaza, Russia/Ukraine, Africa, the post office trial, so many cancer diagnosis). I then feel guilty for feeling lonely or upset.

It is so good if we manage to take the heaviness out of things like dating and just have some fun. There is so much heaviness in the world already.

I love this. I wish I could switch off my feelings though
The whole casual thing that I’ve just ended has brought back some feelings (about myself) that I thought I’d worked through.
Just feeling sorry for myself a bit and having to work back through the whole “I am loveable” thoughts. It’s my own fault for getting involved in something I knew deep down wasn’t for me but hey ho, here I am I wish I could just have this view so I’m going to try channel this when I feel those thoughts creep in

 

[kaay]

Hey ladies, long time lurker here I love reading all these but haven't dated in a while so had nothing to input until now. Do you ladies think this is strange or is it just me being suspicious? So I've been dating this guy, it's only been a few weeks but I've seen some red flags. He has 2 kids from a previous relationship the youngest is 7. He said him, his ex and the kids still go out on family days out together etc, go round for tea and him and his ex are constantly ringing/texting each other but he says there just talking about the kids?? Sometimes it's late at night too he also said they was planning to all go on holiday together. Is this strange behaviour?? Like im all for good co-parenting but doesn't this seem abit TOO much, or just me???

 

[harveydean]

I love this. I wish I could switch off my feelings though
The whole casual thing that I’ve just ended has brought back some feelings (about myself) that I thought I’d worked through.
Just feeling sorry for myself a bit and having to work back through the whole “I am loveable” thoughts. It’s my own fault for getting involved in something I knew deep down wasn’t for me but hey ho, here I am I wish I could just have this view so I’m going to try channel this when I feel those thoughts creep in

Hormones and feelings are the worst!

I knew with event guy it wouldn’t last (younger, different stages of life, kids) but we had an amazing time together and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I have managed to detach feelings for him (I’m very good with boundaries) but the last time I saw him I was getting pangs.

We’re actually going away together 3 times over the summer as friends (one is in a group) and I am a little concerned feelings will come back, but that’s only because we genuinely do care about eachother and the physical side was amazing.

Right now I just want a bit of fun and if I’m going to be thrown around the bedroom, I’d rather do it with a fit and muscular 20 something than a dusty who’s going to pull his back out if he turns over too quickly.
---

Hey ladies, long time lurker here I love reading all these but haven't dated in a while so had nothing to input until now. Do you ladies think this is strange or is it just me being suspicious? So I've been dating this guy, it's only been a few weeks but I've seen some red flags. He has 2 kids from a previous relationship the youngest is 7. He said him, his ex and the kids still go out on family days out together etc, go round for tea and him and his ex are constantly ringing/texting each other but he says there just talking about the kids?? Sometimes it's late at night too he also said they was planning to all go on holiday together. Is this strange behaviour?? Like im all for good co-parenting but doesn't this seem abit TOO much, or just me???

This is EXACTLY what I was talking about the other day! I wonder if it’s the same man…

It brought up all sorts of problems - I never brought it up as a “problem” as such, but the talk of boundaries came up a few times. I found it very difficult and couldn’t see how the relationship would progress, whilst I would be the third wheel in their marriage.

I got out after 2 months (we were friends for a short time prior and I no longer talk to him.)

 

[curiouserandcuriouser2022]

Hey ladies, long time lurker here I love reading all these but haven't dated in a while so had nothing to input until now. Do you ladies think this is strange or is it just me being suspicious? So I've been dating this guy, it's only been a few weeks but I've seen some red flags. He has 2 kids from a previous relationship the youngest is 7. He said him, his ex and the kids still go out on family days out together etc, go round for tea and him and his ex are constantly ringing/texting each other but he says there just talking about the kids?? Sometimes it's late at night too he also said they was planning to all go on holiday together. Is this strange behaviour?? Like im all for good co-parenting but doesn't this seem abit TOO much, or just me???

If it’s too much for you, then it’s too much for you! The situation might suit somebody else…
It’s nice he’s on such good terms with his ex and the mother of his children, but it sounds like they are getting along so well it’s making you uncomfortable. Run! You’re young, free and single! There will be somebody out there whose life history doesn’t make you anxious. Well done on taking the plunge!

 

[whathastheworldcometo]

I love this. I wish I could switch off my feelings though
The whole casual thing that I’ve just ended has brought back some feelings (about myself) that I thought I’d worked through.
Just feeling sorry for myself a bit and having to work back through the whole “I am loveable” thoughts. It’s my own fault for getting involved in something I knew deep down wasn’t for me but hey ho, here I am I wish I could just have this view so I’m going to try channel this when I feel those thoughts creep in

Well, it is easier said than done

Maybe these old feelings surfacing could be a good opportunity to deal with them, hopefully once and for all?
---

Hey ladies, long time lurker here I love reading all these but haven't dated in a while so had nothing to input until now. Do you ladies think this is strange or is it just me being suspicious? So I've been dating this guy, it's only been a few weeks but I've seen some red flags. He has 2 kids from a previous relationship the youngest is 7. He said him, his ex and the kids still go out on family days out together etc, go round for tea and him and his ex are constantly ringing/texting each other but he says there just talking about the kids?? Sometimes it's late at night too he also said they was planning to all go on holiday together. Is this strange behaviour?? Like im all for good co-parenting but doesn't this seem abit TOO much, or just me???

In principle I think it is very nice for the children to have both parents to spend time with. The question is how much time?
It also sounds like he and his ex are still good and close friends.

But it leaves the question where you fit in as a potential new partner and if it makes you feel uncomfortable then it is not good.

 

[Blueblue123]

Hey ladies, long time lurker here I love reading all these but haven't dated in a while so had nothing to input until now. Do you ladies think this is strange or is it just me being suspicious? So I've been dating this guy, it's only been a few weeks but I've seen some red flags. He has 2 kids from a previous relationship the youngest is 7. He said him, his ex and the kids still go out on family days out together etc, go round for tea and him and his ex are constantly ringing/texting each other but he says there just talking about the kids?? Sometimes it's late at night too he also said they was planning to all go on holiday together. Is this strange behaviour?? Like im all for good co-parenting but doesn't this seem abit TOO much, or just me???

The situation sounds nice for the family, especially the kids but it comes down to how he navigates that while dating. Does he make any new partner feel like a spare part or an outsider?

Even if he doesn't, I think it's quite normal to feel uncomfortable to see what probably looks like their tight little unit.

Some people are better apart and can get along really well after a break up but unless you know the ins and outs, it's normal to have dome doubts.

I think you just have to figure out if it's something you want to deal with and how/if you can see yourself fitting in with that.

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

In my experience these feelings ebb and flow depending on the situation. As an example feeling jealousy (not pathological!). If you're meh about a guy, you're going to get off easy if they meet their "one". If it was someone you deeply cared for it hurts a lot more.
The same with all behaviours and emotions. We move in and out of them all the time. Sometimes maturely, at others less so. I would love to never ever feel insecure again but it's a remote chance I'll escape that feeling, with or without a partner. Not sure why I'm waffling here. Oh I know it was a comment about hoping to overcome something by facing it.
On a good day I can feel yes I don't feel that way, but a week later maybe I do and I realise nope I didn't overcome it! Excuse the brain dump.

 

[freezelouise43]

In my experience these feelings ebb and flow depending on the situation. As an example feeling jealousy (not pathological!). If you're meh about a guy, you're going to get off easy if they meet their "one". If it was someone you deeply cared for it hurts a lot more.
The same with all behaviours and emotions. We move in and out of them all the time. Sometimes maturely, at others less so. I would love to never ever feel insecure again but it's a remote chance I'll escape that feeling, with or without a partner. Not sure why I'm waffling here. Oh I know it was a comment about hoping to overcome something by facing it.
On a good day I can feel yes I don't feel that way, but a week later maybe I do and I realise nope I didn't overcome it! Excuse the brain dump.

I’m with you there! I’m not sure what’s happened to me (although I did bang my head this week) but I seem to be totally over the FWB, like it’s become too much energy to care anymore, I’m hoping this feeling stays! Honestly my friend rang me the other day and asked if she could talk to me about something and my heart sank. I thought she was going to telll me he was with our mutual friend but luckily it was a business idea she wants to kick around! I realised I don’t miss that rush of sick feeling, and it was nice just to feel nothing so as you said yes these feelings come and go- I hope they’re gone for good now

 

[Sandor]

Hey ladies, long time lurker here I love reading all these but haven't dated in a while so had nothing to input until now. Do you ladies think this is strange or is it just me being suspicious? So I've been dating this guy, it's only been a few weeks but I've seen some red flags. He has 2 kids from a previous relationship the youngest is 7. He said him, his ex and the kids still go out on family days out together etc, go round for tea and him and his ex are constantly ringing/texting each other but he says there just talking about the kids?? Sometimes it's late at night too he also said they was planning to all go on holiday together. Is this strange behaviour?? Like im all for good co-parenting but doesn't this seem abit TOO much, or just me???

The only answer is are you ok with it because everyone is different. I get on very well with ex AND his new partner. We talk a lot and do a lot together. We essentially redefined our family. My current beaus ex doesn’t want/need to meet me so I’m kept separate from her but not his daughter. They talk more than I do but only about kiddo and don’t do anything together. I sort of wish the dynamic could be the same as i have with ex but also know just because it works for us doesn’t mean it would work in parallel. What I do know is that we both still care deeply for our children’s other parent but that doesn’t mean there are feelings there and neither of us prioritise them - we prioritise the kids.

I think you just have to figure out what works for you in x scenario. And any need is valid. If this is too much for you, it’s okay. But it also might be one of those things you can have a good chat about and feel ok with after you’ve got answers/reassurance you need. And if you set boundaries for yourself and feel they aren’t being honoured, you can walk away.

 

[adventureisoutthere]

I’m with you there! I’m not sure what’s happened to me (although I did bang my head this week) but I seem to be totally over the FWB, like it’s become too much energy to care anymore, I’m hoping this feeling stays! Honestly my friend rang me the other day and asked if she could talk to me about something and my heart sank. I thought she was going to telll me he was with our mutual friend but luckily it was a business idea she wants to kick around! I realised I don’t miss that rush of sick feeling, and it was nice just to feel nothing so as you said yes these feelings come and go- I hope they’re gone for good now

This is a great development! When you realise that it’s absorbing your energy for no reason is a huge step in the journey. You may have days where you do care but the days where you cba anymore will become more than the days where you do! Pleased for you. You’ll get there and you’re over the hump now so onwards and upwards. <3

 

[D2them]

Reminder to us all. Happy Friday

 

[freezelouise43]

This is a great development! When you realise that it’s absorbing your energy for no reason is a huge step in the journey. You may have days where you do care but the days where you cba anymore will become more than the days where you do! Pleased for you. You’ll get there and you’re over the hump now so onwards and upwards. <3

Thank you! this is the thing with me that frustrates my friends, it takes me ages to come to terms with things, but once I do it’s like a switch and I move on (same with my toxic father, honestly if he died I’d feel nothing) I’m an odd one for sure

 

[whathastheworldcometo]

Thank you! this is the thing with me that frustrates my friends, it takes me ages to come to terms with things, but once I do it’s like a switch and I move on (same with my toxic father, honestly if he died I’d feel nothing) I’m an odd one for sure

I don't think it is that odd or unusual, and the good thing is that you are not flip/flopping forever. It seems that you take time to work through things and once you are done you are done.