Congratulations @CrazySquirrelLady!
For winning this thread's title contest, you win two tickets to see the new movie that's taking Gatlinburg by storm: "The Little Murdmaid"!
A fine submission, CSL. I'm not going to lie. I'm disappointed that it wasn't "Mike Ox Long" but it would have been submitted too close to the end of the thread to gain traction. If only Dawn had read it sooner. Alas, "Mike Ox Long" was cut short, like a Tattle briss.
As we pull up the fryer basket on the congealed mess that is the YCU (YITS Cinematic Universe), we see that all is not crispy and golden brown.
Like Will's giant head, the YCU expanded as we saw Dawn's sister Denise, known by her YCU name Denise420 for her ability to make pharmaceuticals disappear and transport her consciousness to galaxies far, far away, get into a confrontation with her former boyfriend 'The Other Will' or TOW.
Here's an interpretation of how a confrontation with Denise might go:
TOW: "Denise, I can't watch you do this to yourself!"
420: "Mumble, mumble, mumble..."
TOW: "How can you say that to me?!?"
420: "Mumble, mumble, mumble..."
TOW: "How can you be so cruel?!?"
420: *stares off into space*
TOW: "That's it! I'm leaving!"
And with that, The Other Will sped off back to Michigan and sobriety. We here at Tattle wish him the best.
Now if you were to believe Will Grace, (and you don't unless you are 90, inbred or both) Denise420 is staying in PF/GB because she has another big party for her daughter's college graduation. It's been a month and no big party. That's so unlike Will to make up a story. When reached for comment, Jennifer said, "Anybody want a peanut?" Then Hulk Hogan body slammed her in front of 93,000 people.
Jennifer got to celebrate her graduation at Pizza Rio, a specialty pizza restaurant that costs $30 per person and they don't even have a supreme pizza (gasp!). Apparently, bacon on a pizza doesn't cut it for YITS. You put that whole pig on the pizza if you want the YITS blue ribbon seal of approval that's reserved for places like Texas Roadhouse or anywhere bacon double cheeseburgers are sold. Will was so disgusted by Pizza Rio he only had eight pieces of pizza, ten chicken wings, three meatballs, salad and bread. Incredible he didn't pass out from starvation. Please help. For the price of just three Texas Roadhouse gift cards a day, you can sponsor a Smoky Mountain vlogger.
Dawn told us her niece got a bachelor's of science. Dawn was impressed. She thought only men could be bachelors.
TOW hit the road. Jennifer hit the books. That means Denise was left in The Smokies to stay with Will and Dawn. I know what you're thinking.
"What's that thing on Dawn's lip?"
No. Try again.
"Why do Dawn's shorts go so far up her butt?"
No!
Would you knock it off?!! I'm trying to recap here and you're being gross. Okay, last chance. I say, "I know what you're thinking," and you say, "Does Denise have a job?" Ok. Thank you.
Seriously, if you were 420's colleague, would you miss her? Would you even notice? Assuming she even has a job, what could it be? At my house, the leading guess is school lunch lady. She would have summer off and Will probably begs her to bring him free samples from work.
Job or no job, 2023 is "The Summer of Denise". First, Will tried to cheer her up by taking her to The Apple Barn for a Chicken Cordon Bleu that looked like a chicken patty with Swiss cheese and lunch meat on it. Not even Hunter S. Thompson could be on enough drugs to think it was appetizing.
Basically, the next few days were show Denise around town days. Here's Pigeon Forge. Have some lunch. Eat a waffle cone. Granted, YITS would probably be eating just as much and doing just as little whether Denise was here or not. Here's a little trick from Will: just say it's for Denise and you can eat all you want and do the same tit over and over again. Your stans will believe you and never call you out for it.
As you know, Dawn got a new E-Bike. They saved the old one for when there's a guest in town and they can ride. Denise is in town. So of course they...took Denise to see Jesus parrots!
No bikes. Birds! Parrot Mountain. The place that combines birds with scripture and an uphill walk. All for just $95! Don't worry. Will and Dawn are experienced hikers, so they had no problems going up the hill. But if you have mobility issues, don't worry. Will made up a story about how the staff will help you that he totally pulled out of his ass because he didn't know and didn't want to admit it. You'd think he'd learn by now. If he did, we wouldn't have 22 threads of his bullshit here.
So we've taken Denise to The Apple Barn and Savior Parrots, what's next? To molest the Dolly Parton statue? Close. We're going to Dollywood! Weren't we just there? Yes, but this is Denise's first time! How exciting for Denise to get to Dollywood bright and early in the afternoon and the first thing is to check out those gift shops! Yeah! duck those roller coasters! I wanna paw at some tshirts! Then I'm going to get a tasting pass! Then lunch! Then you get in line for the half-hour slow train ride! Yeeee-yah! That's how you do it YITS style, muthafuckas!
Then, two days later, you go back! Wait. No, seriously. We were just here the other day and hardly did anything. Now we're back? We could have done this in one day.
You know it! Only this time, Will's mom is paying! YITS is going to get there so late, they're parked at Splash Country. Then they're going to MORE tasting passes and then have a sit down meal at a buffet restaurant! As if that wasn't enough, Dawn and Denise are going jump into a foam party for children. At the end of the night, Dawn says she needs to take a shower with soap. I wonder if she used the Dawn dish soap she bought at the swap meet for $5. Here's a money saving tip: you can go to a mysterious place called "COSTCO" and get three times as much for $8. Don't tell anyone. I don't want my secret to get out.
Still, the swap meets Will took us to were tremendous. They had everything: pickles, The Noid, Slushees and Butterbean!
They bought Slim Jims for breakfast, which is definitely a thing adults nearing 50 should eat.
They also sell racoon penises. Will called them something else but I'm not going to use that phrase because it sure sounded like at least a slur and possibly a hate crime to me. These trash panda dicks are somehow used in making moonshine. I don't understand and I don't want to know. If I go into Ol Smoky Mountain Moonshine, can I ask if they use fresh raccoon penis? I don't want any of that fake "I Can't Believe It's Not Raccoon Penis" because I can tell the difference. I won't settle for less. Don't get me started on vegan raccoon penis!
It turns out Denise is near 60 years old and hasn't been to the beach. Really? She's never been to Florida or California or Texas? She and Dawn aren't sure how many siblings they have. Are you sure maybe she hasn't forgotten about going to the beach? Maybe she said she had been to the beach and you just didn't understand her? Anyway, Will now has to take Denise to the beach. Have you noticed that Will is nicer to Denise than his own wife? Denise, we'll take you to Dollywood, Parrot Mountain and Myrtle Beach. Dawn, here is a Vera Bradley thumbtack I bought you. Now shut up.
They loaded up the 300 (because Denise was already loaded) and headed to Dirty Myrtle. Will likes Myrtle Beach because it's a little rough (i.e. cheap). He can get a "suite", more like a sour on the beach with just a minimal amount of mold in the refrigerator (perfect to hold 40 cans of pop for three people) only blocks away from the nearest crime tape.
Will walked us through some gross nightlife. Last time I saw a neighborhood like that I was watching "LIVE PD". They are supposed to be bars but they look so dilapidated, Vladimir Putin is fighting to control them. Keith Morrison saw that place and said, "I'm out!"
The only thing grosser than the neighborhood was their lunch. A disgusting burger with one lettuce leaf. They must have been running low on lettuce because it looked like the same bottom of the bag for Denise's garnish and Dawn's salad.
They did a boat ride to look at dolphins. All we saw was Will's fat face. He's screaming "Whoa!" pretending to have a great time when everyone else is just sitting down acting normal. Dawn can't spell YMCA. She just claps. I'm going to pretend she's spelling YMCA in Morse code.
They went to "The Gay Dolphin". I'm guessing Will's audience is so old, to them 'gay' still means 'happy' and not Liberace never found the right girl.
Will has found a great scape goat. It's not that he doesn't have any new ideas (he doesn't ) No. It's Denise's first time. That's totally different from the same ol tit. It's not that Will just wanted to go to Myrtle Beach. No. It's that Denise has never been.
Will has started remodeling the studio. Sounds like it will take longer to fix than I-95 in Philly. Will, just get some garbage bags and tip the shelves into the bags. Of course, then they need to find a dumpster where their junk won't get identified. I'm not kidding.
Plus, Will is busy "doing business", filming, editing and doing YouTube (all the same thing). He's answering questions (which he doesn't do). He's mowing the lawn (which he doesn't do). And he's FEEDING THE BIRDS! That's "work"? He said all of this with a straight face on a livestream. The only thing Will has is a lack of respect for his audience. That's why Ryan AIOT is growing so much faster. Because he is actually putting in effort.
As I type this, we're mere hours away from the grand opening of the new Buc-ee's. Sevierville will never be the same. Neither will YITS. Will used to live for Buc-ee's. Brisket on the board to Will was like put em on the glass to a horny teenager. Now, Will says he'd rather go after the crowds are gone and not deal with the hassle of the first day. I'm sure he'll show up at the last minute, film the same stuff as always, including every word of the boring ribbon cutting ceremony to pad his runtime. Then after the ribbon has been cut, he'll head home, edit and upload the video. Then he'll pack up the 300 and head out of town, monetizing every meal and every drop of gas as he takes Denise back home. He'll release her back into the wild. She won't want to go. Just like "Harry and The Hendersons" he'll encourage her to leave, then force her to run off and go back to her own world.
Then Will and Dawn will squeeze back in the 300 and drive. Drive anywhere but The Smokies. Because Will hates that place. It's well documented that Will is bored. We know this. Not only does Will want to eat for a living and be on permanent vacation that you pay for, but he wants to be happy, too. The fact that he doesn't work does not make him happy. You're miserable at your job. Everyone is. But not Will. It's not enough that he doesn't have a job. It's not enough that nachos list him as a dependent. Will needs to be happy. It's not enough that he sits around and eats in Sevier County. He won't be happy until he gets to sit around and eat everywhere. What's the difference between Will's life on a cruise and Will's life at home? He has to get in a car to gorge himself. On a cruise ship, he can just waddle down the stairs. He tries to waddle downstairs at home, his deck will break.
Denise is the built-in excuse for why YITS just did the same ol stuff for the past month. What's going to be Will's excuse in July or August? YITS doesn't have Chris and Mindy to pay for fireworks or campgrounds anymore. Will, like other vloggers, came to a tourist town thinking it would be fun and games. Instead of realizing that there's no difference between tourist towns, cruises, theme parks. You will eventually get tired of them all. If Dawn is a toddler, then Will is stuck in adolescence. He craves nostalgia from when he was happiest as a teenager. He should have realized by now that these things are the spice of life, not the main course.
Enough of this. Let's get into "The Summer of the Same Ol YITS tit".
For winning this thread's title contest, you win two tickets to see the new movie that's taking Gatlinburg by storm: "The Little Murdmaid"!
A fine submission, CSL. I'm not going to lie. I'm disappointed that it wasn't "Mike Ox Long" but it would have been submitted too close to the end of the thread to gain traction. If only Dawn had read it sooner. Alas, "Mike Ox Long" was cut short, like a Tattle briss.
As we pull up the fryer basket on the congealed mess that is the YCU (YITS Cinematic Universe), we see that all is not crispy and golden brown.
Like Will's giant head, the YCU expanded as we saw Dawn's sister Denise, known by her YCU name Denise420 for her ability to make pharmaceuticals disappear and transport her consciousness to galaxies far, far away, get into a confrontation with her former boyfriend 'The Other Will' or TOW.
Here's an interpretation of how a confrontation with Denise might go:
TOW: "Denise, I can't watch you do this to yourself!"
420: "Mumble, mumble, mumble..."
TOW: "How can you say that to me?!?"
420: "Mumble, mumble, mumble..."
TOW: "How can you be so cruel?!?"
420: *stares off into space*
TOW: "That's it! I'm leaving!"
And with that, The Other Will sped off back to Michigan and sobriety. We here at Tattle wish him the best.
Now if you were to believe Will Grace, (and you don't unless you are 90, inbred or both) Denise420 is staying in PF/GB because she has another big party for her daughter's college graduation. It's been a month and no big party. That's so unlike Will to make up a story. When reached for comment, Jennifer said, "Anybody want a peanut?" Then Hulk Hogan body slammed her in front of 93,000 people.
Jennifer got to celebrate her graduation at Pizza Rio, a specialty pizza restaurant that costs $30 per person and they don't even have a supreme pizza (gasp!). Apparently, bacon on a pizza doesn't cut it for YITS. You put that whole pig on the pizza if you want the YITS blue ribbon seal of approval that's reserved for places like Texas Roadhouse or anywhere bacon double cheeseburgers are sold. Will was so disgusted by Pizza Rio he only had eight pieces of pizza, ten chicken wings, three meatballs, salad and bread. Incredible he didn't pass out from starvation. Please help. For the price of just three Texas Roadhouse gift cards a day, you can sponsor a Smoky Mountain vlogger.
Dawn told us her niece got a bachelor's of science. Dawn was impressed. She thought only men could be bachelors.
TOW hit the road. Jennifer hit the books. That means Denise was left in The Smokies to stay with Will and Dawn. I know what you're thinking.
"What's that thing on Dawn's lip?"
No. Try again.
"Why do Dawn's shorts go so far up her butt?"
No!
Would you knock it off?!! I'm trying to recap here and you're being gross. Okay, last chance. I say, "I know what you're thinking," and you say, "Does Denise have a job?" Ok. Thank you.
Seriously, if you were 420's colleague, would you miss her? Would you even notice? Assuming she even has a job, what could it be? At my house, the leading guess is school lunch lady. She would have summer off and Will probably begs her to bring him free samples from work.
Job or no job, 2023 is "The Summer of Denise". First, Will tried to cheer her up by taking her to The Apple Barn for a Chicken Cordon Bleu that looked like a chicken patty with Swiss cheese and lunch meat on it. Not even Hunter S. Thompson could be on enough drugs to think it was appetizing.
Basically, the next few days were show Denise around town days. Here's Pigeon Forge. Have some lunch. Eat a waffle cone. Granted, YITS would probably be eating just as much and doing just as little whether Denise was here or not. Here's a little trick from Will: just say it's for Denise and you can eat all you want and do the same tit over and over again. Your stans will believe you and never call you out for it.
As you know, Dawn got a new E-Bike. They saved the old one for when there's a guest in town and they can ride. Denise is in town. So of course they...took Denise to see Jesus parrots!
No bikes. Birds! Parrot Mountain. The place that combines birds with scripture and an uphill walk. All for just $95! Don't worry. Will and Dawn are experienced hikers, so they had no problems going up the hill. But if you have mobility issues, don't worry. Will made up a story about how the staff will help you that he totally pulled out of his ass because he didn't know and didn't want to admit it. You'd think he'd learn by now. If he did, we wouldn't have 22 threads of his bullshit here.
So we've taken Denise to The Apple Barn and Savior Parrots, what's next? To molest the Dolly Parton statue? Close. We're going to Dollywood! Weren't we just there? Yes, but this is Denise's first time! How exciting for Denise to get to Dollywood bright and early in the afternoon and the first thing is to check out those gift shops! Yeah! duck those roller coasters! I wanna paw at some tshirts! Then I'm going to get a tasting pass! Then lunch! Then you get in line for the half-hour slow train ride! Yeeee-yah! That's how you do it YITS style, muthafuckas!
Then, two days later, you go back! Wait. No, seriously. We were just here the other day and hardly did anything. Now we're back? We could have done this in one day.
You know it! Only this time, Will's mom is paying! YITS is going to get there so late, they're parked at Splash Country. Then they're going to MORE tasting passes and then have a sit down meal at a buffet restaurant! As if that wasn't enough, Dawn and Denise are going jump into a foam party for children. At the end of the night, Dawn says she needs to take a shower with soap. I wonder if she used the Dawn dish soap she bought at the swap meet for $5. Here's a money saving tip: you can go to a mysterious place called "COSTCO" and get three times as much for $8. Don't tell anyone. I don't want my secret to get out.
Still, the swap meets Will took us to were tremendous. They had everything: pickles, The Noid, Slushees and Butterbean!
They bought Slim Jims for breakfast, which is definitely a thing adults nearing 50 should eat.
They also sell racoon penises. Will called them something else but I'm not going to use that phrase because it sure sounded like at least a slur and possibly a hate crime to me. These trash panda dicks are somehow used in making moonshine. I don't understand and I don't want to know. If I go into Ol Smoky Mountain Moonshine, can I ask if they use fresh raccoon penis? I don't want any of that fake "I Can't Believe It's Not Raccoon Penis" because I can tell the difference. I won't settle for less. Don't get me started on vegan raccoon penis!
It turns out Denise is near 60 years old and hasn't been to the beach. Really? She's never been to Florida or California or Texas? She and Dawn aren't sure how many siblings they have. Are you sure maybe she hasn't forgotten about going to the beach? Maybe she said she had been to the beach and you just didn't understand her? Anyway, Will now has to take Denise to the beach. Have you noticed that Will is nicer to Denise than his own wife? Denise, we'll take you to Dollywood, Parrot Mountain and Myrtle Beach. Dawn, here is a Vera Bradley thumbtack I bought you. Now shut up.
They loaded up the 300 (because Denise was already loaded) and headed to Dirty Myrtle. Will likes Myrtle Beach because it's a little rough (i.e. cheap). He can get a "suite", more like a sour on the beach with just a minimal amount of mold in the refrigerator (perfect to hold 40 cans of pop for three people) only blocks away from the nearest crime tape.
Will walked us through some gross nightlife. Last time I saw a neighborhood like that I was watching "LIVE PD". They are supposed to be bars but they look so dilapidated, Vladimir Putin is fighting to control them. Keith Morrison saw that place and said, "I'm out!"
The only thing grosser than the neighborhood was their lunch. A disgusting burger with one lettuce leaf. They must have been running low on lettuce because it looked like the same bottom of the bag for Denise's garnish and Dawn's salad.
They did a boat ride to look at dolphins. All we saw was Will's fat face. He's screaming "Whoa!" pretending to have a great time when everyone else is just sitting down acting normal. Dawn can't spell YMCA. She just claps. I'm going to pretend she's spelling YMCA in Morse code.
They went to "The Gay Dolphin". I'm guessing Will's audience is so old, to them 'gay' still means 'happy' and not Liberace never found the right girl.
Will has found a great scape goat. It's not that he doesn't have any new ideas (he doesn't ) No. It's Denise's first time. That's totally different from the same ol tit. It's not that Will just wanted to go to Myrtle Beach. No. It's that Denise has never been.
Will has started remodeling the studio. Sounds like it will take longer to fix than I-95 in Philly. Will, just get some garbage bags and tip the shelves into the bags. Of course, then they need to find a dumpster where their junk won't get identified. I'm not kidding.
Plus, Will is busy "doing business", filming, editing and doing YouTube (all the same thing). He's answering questions (which he doesn't do). He's mowing the lawn (which he doesn't do). And he's FEEDING THE BIRDS! That's "work"? He said all of this with a straight face on a livestream. The only thing Will has is a lack of respect for his audience. That's why Ryan AIOT is growing so much faster. Because he is actually putting in effort.
As I type this, we're mere hours away from the grand opening of the new Buc-ee's. Sevierville will never be the same. Neither will YITS. Will used to live for Buc-ee's. Brisket on the board to Will was like put em on the glass to a horny teenager. Now, Will says he'd rather go after the crowds are gone and not deal with the hassle of the first day. I'm sure he'll show up at the last minute, film the same stuff as always, including every word of the boring ribbon cutting ceremony to pad his runtime. Then after the ribbon has been cut, he'll head home, edit and upload the video. Then he'll pack up the 300 and head out of town, monetizing every meal and every drop of gas as he takes Denise back home. He'll release her back into the wild. She won't want to go. Just like "Harry and The Hendersons" he'll encourage her to leave, then force her to run off and go back to her own world.
Then Will and Dawn will squeeze back in the 300 and drive. Drive anywhere but The Smokies. Because Will hates that place. It's well documented that Will is bored. We know this. Not only does Will want to eat for a living and be on permanent vacation that you pay for, but he wants to be happy, too. The fact that he doesn't work does not make him happy. You're miserable at your job. Everyone is. But not Will. It's not enough that he doesn't have a job. It's not enough that nachos list him as a dependent. Will needs to be happy. It's not enough that he sits around and eats in Sevier County. He won't be happy until he gets to sit around and eat everywhere. What's the difference between Will's life on a cruise and Will's life at home? He has to get in a car to gorge himself. On a cruise ship, he can just waddle down the stairs. He tries to waddle downstairs at home, his deck will break.
Denise is the built-in excuse for why YITS just did the same ol stuff for the past month. What's going to be Will's excuse in July or August? YITS doesn't have Chris and Mindy to pay for fireworks or campgrounds anymore. Will, like other vloggers, came to a tourist town thinking it would be fun and games. Instead of realizing that there's no difference between tourist towns, cruises, theme parks. You will eventually get tired of them all. If Dawn is a toddler, then Will is stuck in adolescence. He craves nostalgia from when he was happiest as a teenager. He should have realized by now that these things are the spice of life, not the main course.
Enough of this. Let's get into "The Summer of the Same Ol YITS tit".
. I’m guessing he went live because he was to lazy to put out a video. It appears to have gone well since he took it down as soon as he got home
. If anyone was able to keep the link before it got deleted we would all love to laugh it up
