coconochanel
VIP Member
What do you call a pig that does Karate?
a pork chop
a pork chop
- Notice
witchofwestbyfleet
VIP Member
A reception class teacher asks the kids what they did at the weekend. One child says "I went on a choo-choo."
"No, you went on a train," says the teacher. "We use grown-up words in this class."
Another child says "I went to see my Grandpa"
The teacher says "No, you went to see your grandfather. Use the grown-up word."
"I read a book," says another child.
"That's lovely. What was it called?" says the teacher.
The child thinks and then answers "Winnie the Shit"
"No, you went on a train," says the teacher. "We use grown-up words in this class."
Another child says "I went to see my Grandpa"
The teacher says "No, you went to see your grandfather. Use the grown-up word."
"I read a book," says another child.
"That's lovely. What was it called?" says the teacher.
The child thinks and then answers "Winnie the Shit"
LittleMy
VIP Member
What do you call a man from Glasgow who’s lost his dog?
Douglas
———
After announcing he was getting married, a boy tells his pal he will be wearing the kilt. "And what's the tartan?" asks his mate. "Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.
———
Wifey phones 999
"You've got tae help me, ma waters have just broken!"
"Okay, keep calm madam, where are you ringing from?"
"Fae ma fanny tae ma ankles!"
Douglas
———
After announcing he was getting married, a boy tells his pal he will be wearing the kilt. "And what's the tartan?" asks his mate. "Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.
———
Wifey phones 999
"You've got tae help me, ma waters have just broken!"
"Okay, keep calm madam, where are you ringing from?"
"Fae ma fanny tae ma ankles!"
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Sideboard Bob
VIP Member
“Doctor, doctor! I can’t say my ”f”s or my “t”s!”
”Well you can’t say fairer than that then!”
”Well you can’t say fairer than that then!”
watermelon sugar
VIP Member
My wife asked me today if I had seen the dog bowl
I said no I didnt know he could!
I said no I didnt know he could!
ClockworkDolly
VIP Member
A woman went to a small town hardware store and told the owner that she needed a new door handle.
He fetched one and asked: “You wanna screw for that?”
She looked around the store and said: “No, but I’ll blow ya for that toaster over there.”
He fetched one and asked: “You wanna screw for that?”
She looked around the store and said: “No, but I’ll blow ya for that toaster over there.”
Mulholland Drive
VIP Member
My dog loves wine
He's a Bordeaux Terrier
He's a Bordeaux Terrier
Mulholland Drive
VIP Member
What did the cop say to his belly button?
You’re under a vest!
Why did the barber win the marathon?
Because he took a short cut.
What do you call a fish without an eye?
Fsh.
I'll get my coat
You’re under a vest!
Why did the barber win the marathon?
Because he took a short cut.
What do you call a fish without an eye?
Fsh.
I'll get my coat
HelloStereo
VIP Member
What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
I don't pay $200 to have a lentil in my mouth.
I don't pay $200 to have a lentil in my mouth.
DCICassieStuart
VIP Member
What kind of cheese can you hide a horse in?
Mascarpone.
Mascarpone.
kittypaws
VIP Member
A man was in town and suddenly decided he fancied something to eat. He walked into the bakers and asked for a bum. The baker replied “do you mean a bun?” The man said yes and purchased the bun.
The man then went to the hardware store and asked the shop assistant for a “fuck it”. The assistant said “do you mean a bucket?” the man said yes and purchased the bucket.
Finally the man popped into a homeware shop and asked the shop assistant there if they sell cocks. “Do you mean clocks?” the assistant replied. The man said yes and purchased a clock.
On his way home a stranger stopped him in the street and asked him if he knew the time. “Yes” the man replied “hold my bum and fuck it and I’ll get my cock out.”
The man then went to the hardware store and asked the shop assistant for a “fuck it”. The assistant said “do you mean a bucket?” the man said yes and purchased the bucket.
Finally the man popped into a homeware shop and asked the shop assistant there if they sell cocks. “Do you mean clocks?” the assistant replied. The man said yes and purchased a clock.
On his way home a stranger stopped him in the street and asked him if he knew the time. “Yes” the man replied “hold my bum and fuck it and I’ll get my cock out.”
Practically Perfect
Chatty Member
Why did the bag of crisps not get a bus.....
Cos they were Walkers! Boom Boom
My fave joke as a child was:
A guy walks into a restaurant and wants to eat a squid in the tank. He calls the waiter over, whose name is Yervaise, and says 'I want that squid there', pointing at a little green squid with a hairy moustache on its top lip. Yervaise says, 'but that's my favourite, I don't want to kill it, it's so mild and friendly'. But the customer is insistent, so Yervaise goes over to the tank, pulls out the squid and lays it on the worktop. He raises a knife and is about to chop it up, but he can't. Yervaise goes back to the customer, and says he can't kill it, but the customer still insists that he wants to eat it.
Yervaise has an idea, and says 'OK, I'll go and get Hans, our dishwasher, he's a tough guy, he'll be able to kill it'. He goes and gets Hans, and Hans takes the knife and is about to chop the squid up, when it looks up. Hans sees its mild little face and its hairy lip and he can't kill it either, so they both go and tell the customer that they're really sorry and he can't eat it.
The moral of the story?... ..
Hans that does dishes is as soft as Yervaise with mild green hairy lip squid.
(yes I am Lol'ing still
)
Cos they were Walkers! Boom Boom
My fave joke as a child was:
A guy walks into a restaurant and wants to eat a squid in the tank. He calls the waiter over, whose name is Yervaise, and says 'I want that squid there', pointing at a little green squid with a hairy moustache on its top lip. Yervaise says, 'but that's my favourite, I don't want to kill it, it's so mild and friendly'. But the customer is insistent, so Yervaise goes over to the tank, pulls out the squid and lays it on the worktop. He raises a knife and is about to chop it up, but he can't. Yervaise goes back to the customer, and says he can't kill it, but the customer still insists that he wants to eat it.
Yervaise has an idea, and says 'OK, I'll go and get Hans, our dishwasher, he's a tough guy, he'll be able to kill it'. He goes and gets Hans, and Hans takes the knife and is about to chop the squid up, when it looks up. Hans sees its mild little face and its hairy lip and he can't kill it either, so they both go and tell the customer that they're really sorry and he can't eat it.
The moral of the story?... ..
Hans that does dishes is as soft as Yervaise with mild green hairy lip squid.
(yes I am Lol'ing still
)
ClockworkDolly
VIP Member
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
”You‘re too young to smoke”.
I think I was about 7 when I first heard this joke and I’m now in my mid 50’s.
”You‘re too young to smoke”.
I think I was about 7 when I first heard this joke and I’m now in my mid 50’s.
MrsEms
VIP Member
That's a bit like,What did one toilet say to the other?
”You look flushed”.
That is probably one of the worst jokes I’ve heard.
What did one pencil say to the othe pencil?
"You're looking sharp"
DCICassieStuart
VIP Member
Two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
ClockworkDolly
VIP Member
Why was the man arrested for waiting in the marquee?
He was loitering within tent.
He was loitering within tent.