When you don’t get on/like your step children

[Everdene]

I feel oddly sympathetic with your situation even though my experience was the other way around. My stepmom would bully me every other weekend together with her kids. Or they all decided to ignore me and not speak to me and then complain to my dad so he'd scold me. My dad was usually away and didn't do anything about it even when I begged him to make the situation better for me (at age 7 I had to beg him to stop his wife and kids from terrorizing me). He refused to do anything about it and I walked away from all of them a few years later.
Anyway, it taught me that being passive is just as harmful. Your husband probably doesn't see/understand it that way (yet) but hopefully you can give him insight in how it is for you and him not doing anything is just as bad as what the kids are doing . And maybe in the end even worse since you picked him for a life partner so you need to be able to depend on him. He has his kids but he also chose to marry you. It's his job as a father to make sure his kids aren't terrorizing little shits. And as a husband that you feel good in your own home.

 

[Confusedsquirrel]

Head to the stepparents group on Reddit, it's brilliant

 

[Wishwash]

I think a lot of the time rather than being a step child problem it is a husband problem. I found it much better and easier once I "detached" and said to my husband that I'd no longer be a skivvy for him and his daughter when she visited. Previously I was really involved in making her food, getting her washed and dressed and playing with her and my husband was happy to take a back seat spending hours on the toilet playing on his phone. It was irritating at first - for example I used to have to pick all her dirty clothes off the floor and plates/cups out of her room but now I just leave them - it's up to my husband to tidy up after her and although it takes A LOT longer I just let it go. I feel for you as I think a lot of people have unrealistic expectations about step child/parent relationships and it's difficult when they don't live with you - I see the child who lives next door more often than my stepchild so I just focus on being pleasant and friendly but otherwise go about my own business and leave my husband to it and it takes practice but gets easier.

 

[Aabbcc]

You need to be having a serious conversation with your husband. My OH works nights and he works every other Saturday night. Yet has his son Sat-Mon. I told him now I’m having to look after two babies that his son isn’t my responsibility. Also legally I’m not his guardian, if something happened whilst he was at work I would not have any say.
Also his son doesn’t come to us to ‘give his mum a break’ he comes to see his dad and so he needs to actively be here to see his son.

Thankfully when I have raised anything with OH he has been supportive because there are logical reasons behind my requests rather than me just saying I don’t like your son.

I always include him in what we do. I’m always the one who tries but certainly in the beginning he was quite rude and disrespectful when all I do is try to think of family things that include him (because of the age gap between him and the babies it’s difficult) but OH is supportive of me and tries to make sure that he treats me with respect because when I do get frustrated with him it’s because I’m trying to help and he’s being a surly teenager!

If your husband doesn’t see an issue, or consider your needs at least semi important (because obviously his kids should be important too) then I think it may be wise to end the relationship. His family should add to yours not detract!

 

[Itsallaboutmememe]

Thank god its not just me

i have six and my partner has two

its a long story but he left his wife (not for me) and she turned into the most bitter spiteful narcissistic nightmare who’s done her best to break us up and stop him from seeing his girls

for some reason best known to herself she rang up one day 15 months ago and told us we where having the eldest to live with us full time-no warning or anything-we had to run out and buy her a bed

shes the most work shy,lazy,spiteful,nasty,greedy,rude and selfish person I’ve ever met

shes sweetness and light round others but she seems to hate me for ‘stealing’ her dad even tho I met him a year after he’d left her mother (who only wants to know when she’s throwing money at her or I’ve done something wrong-like sit on my own sofa,walk through my own doors or refuse to cook her a different meal to the rest of us)

if Dad tries to tell her she’s out of order she slings it in his face that ‘you walked out on us’ he feels guilty and backs down

lockdown with her has been hell-but she turns 18 in October and she wants to go to uni-at our expense-I’ve told her to get a job-or it’s cardboard city

and if she chooses that route-I won’t feel guilty

its like she wants to make me dislike her

 

[Rowan]

Thank god its not just me

i have six and my partner has two

its a long story but he left his wife (not for me) and she turned into the most bitter spiteful narcissistic nightmare who’s done her best to break us up and stop him from seeing his girls

for some reason best known to herself she rang up one day 15 months ago and told us we where having the eldest to live with us full time-no warning or anything-we had to run out and buy her a bed

shes the most work shy,lazy,spiteful,nasty,greedy,rude and selfish person I’ve ever met

shes sweetness and light round others but she seems to hate me for ‘stealing’ her dad even tho I met him a year after he’d left her mother (who only wants to know when she’s throwing money at her or I’ve done something wrong-like sit on my own sofa,walk through my own doors or refuse to cook her a different meal to the rest of us)

if Dad tries to tell her she’s out of order she slings it in his face that ‘you walked out on us’ he feels guilty and backs down

lockdown with her has been hell-but she turns 18 in October and she wants to go to uni-at our expense-I’ve told her to get a job-or it’s cardboard city

and if she chooses that route-I won’t feel guilty

its like she wants to make me dislike her

You have six children?

 

[unknownmember]

Not just me then!

I have no children, I have PCOS so will never have them, we got married last year and he has two kids, 16 and 9, now I have been in there life for 6 years, the 9 year old is lovely, will do as there told, has a bed time, help out will little chores, cleaning his room, making his bed, rinsing his plate etc he stays with us every weekend and always has done since we got together, the girl on the other hand, she was 10 and let say my husband and her mothers parenting style was well do what you want and now truly back fired on them, she swans in and out of my house when she wants, stays up till god knows when, attitude stinks like she’s better and above everyone, I dread her coming down, she didn’t come for months when she had some bf and decided her family meant nothing to her, and we adjusted, we were happy a 3 a weekends, it was lovely now she’s back and my husband lets her leave her stuff every where for me to pick up, saying leave her to do her own thing or she won’t come visit me, erm we’re a US but ok!!! His little lad and her share same mum, and every he has said it was like a holiday and break away coming to his dads! I know I only have a few years till she will move out and honestly I look forward to the day!!!!!

 

[Itsallaboutmememe]

You have six children?

Yes we have 8 between us

 

[Aabbcc]

I don’t think it’s as easy as saying oh when they’re 18 I don’t have to worry about them! I fully suspect that once OH doesn’t pay money for his son then his mum will kick him out and OH won’t see him on the street. Even though I’ve already said that if that happens he has to get a job or be doing something to contribute I’m not sure how easy it would be for kids to find jobs in the next couple of years. It’s already a nightmare to earn enough money to rent somewhere on your own let alone buy somewhere. We’re a fair few years off that for now though.

 

[TruffleTrifle]

My husbands daugheer is 10 and VILE.
She upsets me so so much it’s unreal to the point I feel uncomfortable around her. I’ve been in her life 7 years and hate the girl she’s growing Into. It sounds awful and I never thought that this would happen.

Tbh most 10 year olds are vile. Hopefully she will grow out of it!

 

[Rosie glow]

I know this is an old thread but I just have to vent somewhere I won't bore you all with a long backstory husband has two girls the older one (22) is bringing her boyfriend up for the first time next month to meet everyone they live the other side of the country and she wants him no mention of us it was him to go and meet him husband says he will go and meet him again No mention of us just him
It's really annoyed me and husband has pissed me off too They can all duck off

 

[Lalalalaaaaaa85]

I know this is an old thread but I just have to vent somewhere I won't bore you all with a long backstory husband has two girls the older one (22) is bringing her boyfriend up for the first time next month to meet everyone they live the other side of the country and she wants him no mention of us it was him to go and meet him husband says he will go and meet him again No mention of us just him
It's really annoyed me and husband has pissed me off too They can all duck off

I can understand that hurts. How long have you been with your husband and in your SD’s lives? Do you have a relationship with them or are they always excluding you?

 

[Rosie glow]

I can understand that hurts. How long have you been with your husband and in your SD’s lives? Do you have a relationship with them or are they always excluding you?

Thanks for reply it will be 15 years next week his ex and his family caused a lot of trouble early on so it was difficult situation they were told a lot of lies etc
It's been easier the last few years they were both bridesmaids at out wedding four years ago and the oldest one knows more truth of the situation, she fell out with her mother over it as she found out she was telling her lies about her dad not wanting to see them which wasn't true
So she wanted more to do with me but over the last year or so she's all over her mother again and I'm back in the background it annoys me too because she only gets in touch with her dad when she wants a moan or wants something he knows this but still goes running when she clicks her fingers
I'm annoyed at myself for letting it bother me tbh