When you don’t get on/like your step children

[Dont swipe up!]

Hello
I wanted to start a thread to hopefully see that I’m not alone as on the verge of letting my husband who I adore go
Anyone feel that sometimes you get with someone and you feel that you have to like/love there children but sometimes it can’t always be that way and you just don’t like them
I also don’t want anyone to think it’s a jealousy thing as I have zero reasons to be as my husband adores me and treats me so well
I get all I ask for and we have a great life
He has his two children every other weekend
My husband and me are great together
But I feel like I have to like his kids because I married there dad
I get there a package
But what happens when after all it’s there dad I dated
There dad I married
There dad I fell in love with
I didn’t date them or fall in love with them
Just because I love there dad doesn’t mean I have to live them
After all they are three separate people
There dad the adult is who I went on a date with etc
I don’t know what I’m trying to say but I’m just so sad I have found my happy ever after but really finding this difficult even after three years down the line x

 

[nbt]

What are your reasons for not liking them/getting on with them? How old are they? How do they feel about you?

 

[Cb1992]

My husbands daugheer is 10 and VILE.
She upsets me so so much it’s unreal to the point I feel uncomfortable around her. I’ve been in her life 7 years and hate the girl she’s growing Into. It sounds awful and I never thought that this would happen.

 

[Globe]

Don't want to out myself here with too much information but I think it's best to leave the relationship if you just can't get along.

 

[Aabbcc]

You are not alone. My OH has a son. He has him every weekend and I’m fine with that, I knew from the beginning that he was part of the package. But there’s certain things about him that rub me up the wrong way. Certain behaviours that I know my mother would never have let me get away with when I was younger. He’s not a ‘normal’ teenage boy. He’s 14 but acts much younger and seems to be too attached to his dad (for his age I mean).
I have concerns but it seems to be something that needs to be discussed with his Mum, but my experience with her is that she’s not interested in ‘helping’ him become a functioning adult. I have influenced OH to introduce certain ‘rules’ in our household in an attempt to help him become a more rounded individual, such as doing some minor chores and having to do extra schoolwork as he’s behind.

 

[Yoghurtpots]

I think you should let him go tbh as yes you fell in love with him but his children are part of him. His responsibility. His family. His number 1 priority. If you don't like them then you really should call it a day with him so he can find somebody who loves his children and wants to spend time with them. Next time, you know to only date men who have no kids and then hope that if you have children and you split up with their Dad that their Dads next girlfriend likes your children and doesn't see them as a complete inconvenience as karma is usually a witch. I do have sympathy for you but I think you still might be a bit young and not ready for this in your life which is fair enough.. I would say move on for his kids sake.
Edit to add: I had step parents who had no children of their own and who really disliked me as a child. I'm over it now but I would fight tooth and nail for my own children not to be in that position, it was the worst part of my childhood tbh.

 

[cushtybert]

Don’t want to say too much on here but have been in a similar situation although they were adults. To cut a long story very short, I have cut them out of my life. For years I put up with their drama, no more.

 

[Sp20191]

What are the reasons for not liking them?

How old are they?

I think you have to remember that they will come before any one, they will always be his priority.

Have you made an effort to get along? X

 

[chocolate choux]

I second asking yourself the questions that nbt posted

I understand that you may not love them, any situation with stepchildren is going to be complicated, but you have to accept they are a huge part of his life. You say you love your husband so much - if that is so, why don’t you work on accepting his children? As I said you don’t necessarily have to love them, you just need to learn to live with the situation and feel okay about it enough to not be seeking advice from strangers on the internet

You didn’t say whether the children themselves were being difficult but if they are, you need to be the adult in this situation and try to get along. If your feelings towards them aren’t great then imagine how they might feel. They are children, their brains are not nearly as developed as yours, so it’s especially difficult for them to make sense of the situation and their emotions. Cut them some slack and work on the relationship

Children are for life, so they are going to always be in your life as long as you stay with your partner. If you are really unwilling to work on your feelings or simply can’t get over them then I echo the other posters in saying you need to consider leaving for everyone’s sake

I appreciate how hard it is - I’ve had a partner with his own kid before. Equally, I’ve now got my own child and I don’t think a relationship would work if they thought my daughter was such an issue

 

[Dont swipe up!]

Original poster here

I should of added that I have two children myself too
Iam late thirties so not young
Hubby is 40
My children are 17 and 11 this year
His are 16 and 14 and come every other weekend

I have tried many times to get on with them
The issue we gave is that there is no rules and boundaries when they come
I’m strict and my children have home times and bedtimes etc
Rules about bedrooms being tidy
His children have no rules when they come here
They get away with murder
My children then see it and act up then I get the agro from them
They have zero respect for my home and trash my home
I have tried many times to implement and lay down rules with no good outcome
I understand lots of your replies about they will always be here around etc
Many times I just put up with them for the 48 hours they are with us
When they go home I clean and tidy up after them
Then I feel myself going downhill again the Wednesday before they are due for the weekend and it’s starting to drain me and play with my mental state
Like I said my husband and I are great together no problems

Yes I married him knowing about his children of course but I just can’t help my feelings towards them

Edit I also feel like this is no life having to have these children come into my home every other weekend and make me feel so shit about myself and have to endure this and my husband can see how it affects me but let’s then carry on
My child goes to her dads every other weekend too and I know for a fact she has rules and gets told off if she is naughty and the dad knows that there still has to be rules and isn’t all fun and games when it’s dad time

 

[Sp20191]

Original poster here

I should of added that I have two children myself too
Iam late thirties so not young
Hubby is 40
My children are 17 and 11 this year
His are 16 and 14 and come every other weekend

I have tried many times to get on with them
The issue we gave is that there is no rules and boundaries when they come
I’m strict and my children have home times and bedtimes etc
Rules about bedrooms being tidy
His children have no rules when they come here
They get away with murder
My children then see it and act up then I get the agro from them
They have zero respect for my home and trash my home
I have tried many times to implement and lay down rules with no good outcome
I understand lots of your replies about they will always be here around etc
Many times I just put up with them for the 48 hours they are with us
When they go home I clean and tidy up after them
Then I feel myself going downhill again the Wednesday before they are due for the weekend and it’s starting to drain me and play with my mental state
Like I said my husband and I are great together no problems

Yes I married him knowing about his children of course but I just can’t help my feelings towards them

Edit I also feel like this is no life having to have these children come into my home every other weekend and make me feel so shit about myself and have to endure this and my husband can see how it affects me but let’s then carry on
My child goes to her dads every other weekend too and I know for a fact she has rules and gets told off for being naughty

I think rather than the kids being a problem (they are just taking the piss out of having no boundaries) that you actually need to speak to your husband about setting rules and punishment (him not you)

Is he treating them differently because he is feeling guilty or is it because he doesn’t see them often so doesn’t want to spend those 48hours telling them off?

As they are teens they are going to push and be little arseholes IF they are allowed to be. I think your issue should be with your husband not the kids x

 

[Dont swipe up!]

I think rather than the kids being a problem (they are just taking the piss out of having no boundaries) that you actually need to speak to your husband about setting rules and punishment (him not you)

Is he treating them differently because he is feeling guilty or is it because he doesn’t see them often so doesn’t want to spend those 48hours telling them off?

As they are teens they are going to push and be little arseholes IF they are allowed to be. I think your issue should be with your husband not the kids x

They just laugh at him and tell him to shut up
The mum couldn’t care less what they do
I don’t care what they do when at there home with there mum
As far as I can see is that when your under my roof you abide by my rules
It’s called respect
And I believe that discipline and rules and not use the we don’t see dad often as an excuse to get away with everything we say
It’s destroying me as a person and my children see the shift in mood
They don’t really like them either as they are vile to my children

 

[Sp20191]

They just laugh at him and tell him to shut up
The mum couldn’t care less what they do
I don’t care what they do when at there home with there mum
As far as I can see is that when your under my roof you abide by my rules
It’s called respect
And I believe that discipline and rules and not use the we don’t see dad often as an excuse to get away with everything we say
It’s destroying me as a person and my children see the shift in mood
They don’t really like them either as they are vile to my children

Then he needs to be more strict and tell them it’s not acceptable, honestly he’s their dad, he needs some control over them x

 

[Raininvain]

You need to leave him then don't you and put your own needs and your own kids first that's it.

 

[nbt]

Yeah, from what you’ve said I think your husband needs to step up and discipline his children. You don’t want to dread every time they come round.

I’m a step mum to two - 13 and 11. It’s different to your situation as I’ve been in their life since babies, so as long as they can remember. Therefore it’s easier to implement rules from the word go and stick to them... it’s what they’ve grown up with. Their Dad and I are stricter than their Mum I’d say. We treat them all the same - the two of them and our 8 year old. If one of the kids has done well, really helped out etc. we make sure they know that we’ve noticed. And it works both ways.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not always been perfect. But you have to pick your battles and you need to decide if this is a battle you want to fight?

 

[Busydoingaproperdayswork]

I’d put your own children, and your happiness first. If this situation is making you miserable then try and make some steps to change it, if that doesn’t work I’d walk away.

 

[KateESJ]

I'm sorry, this must be so hard. Put yourself first. HE needs to be more strict with them if they're being rude to you, that's not right. I wouldn't let my children disrespect anyone and make them feel so bad, whether they're my partner or a stranger. That's not on.

He needs to put his foot down. If he doesn't at least try, then I'm not sure I'd put up with it for much longer because I'd personally feel it was desrespectful of my partner to let it happen.

 

[Lalalalaaaaaa85]

Original poster here

I should of added that I have two children myself too
Iam late thirties so not young
Hubby is 40
My children are 17 and 11 this year
His are 16 and 14 and come every other weekend

I have tried many times to get on with them
The issue we gave is that there is no rules and boundaries when they come
I’m strict and my children have home times and bedtimes etc
Rules about bedrooms being tidy
His children have no rules when they come here
They get away with murder
My children then see it and act up then I get the agro from them
They have zero respect for my home and trash my home
I have tried many times to implement and lay down rules with no good outcome
I understand lots of your replies about they will always be here around etc
Many times I just put up with them for the 48 hours they are with us
When they go home I clean and tidy up after them
Then I feel myself going downhill again the Wednesday before they are due for the weekend and it’s starting to drain me and play with my mental state
Like I said my husband and I are great together no problems

Yes I married him knowing about his children of course but I just can’t help my feelings towards them

Edit I also feel like this is no life having to have these children come into my home every other weekend and make me feel so shit about myself and have to endure this and my husband can see how it affects me but let’s then carry on
My child goes to her dads every other weekend too and I know for a fact she has rules and gets told off if she is naughty and the dad knows that there still has to be rules and isn’t all fun and games when it’s dad time

You don’t have a step child problem you have a husband problem. He needs to be nipping this behaviour in the bud, laying down (and enforcing) rules and supporting you in this. If he isn’t or won’t then sorry I’d be out

 

[Yoghurtpots]

Its great to have more information about the situation! I agree with the others, this is definitely a husband problem. He needs to set rules and boundaries and also needs to be the one to tidy up their mess if he is allowing it, not you. Also think of your own children if this is upsetting them as they should feel safe and happy at home. I stand by what I said about them being his number 1 priority but its sounds like he is being a lazy parent at the moment to them and it needs sorting.

 

[Dont swipe up!]

Thank you all for your advice and replies
I need to think long and hard as I’m not getting any younger and this life is getting Me down

Much love xx