What is the hardest thing you had to go through in life and could you overcome it

[Annie101]

I def recommend having counselling, it can be such a huge help, even years later. I grew up in a home where there was severe domestic abuse which resulted in my mum and us kids packing and leaving home and moving 300 miles away in the space of 2 days. When I was 16 I would wake in the night with our lodgers boyfriend in my bed having sex with me, I never told anyone as I thought I’d be blamed for it happening and the lodger would come find him and laugh cos he’d sleepwalked in to my bed. It wasn’t until approx10 years after that I properly realised he’d been raping me, I just always thought it must have been my fault. I lost my younger brother to suicide at 28 which was devastating. I became involved with a guy who was well known as a great gentle giant guy but was really a severely depressed arsehole who became violent. He attempted suicide twice while we were together and throttled me twice till I passed out. I tried to walk away so many times and he would suck be back in with saying how he was scared and how much he needed me etc. He called me to his house where’s he threw petrol all over the house and me and him and then tried to set us on fire! He had taken an overdose which meant I was strong enough to fight him and stop him setting us alight. It ended when he tried to hang himself in my house when he was drunk and I stopped him, he left and drove his car into a lorry and died. I can honestly say I have never felt grief like it, it felt broken in two. I also had a massive sense of relief because I’d spent 2 years trying to stop him killing himself and now it happened. I felt free of him. I went for counselling 8 months after because I just felt I needed to talk and get everything out. I can honestly say I’m happy and loving life now. Sorry for the explicit details or triggers for anyone but I’m living proof that people are stronger than they think

I think you are one strong lady, if you can survive that, my problems seems little. I am happy you are now happy - sending you lots of love

I want to thank all of you ladies for your feedback, posting this yesterday was my first step moving forward. Keeping my husbands alcohol disease a secret from my family, his family and our friends is very hard, because you feel isolated and alone. As if i have 2 lives, one at work where i am confident and strong, and one at home where i walk on egg shells and fearful of what would happen next. To all of you that has gone through your own traumatic events in your life, it is an eye opener for me and i wasnt sure if it was the right thing to open up on here, but it is giving me courage. It is good to know that there are caring, non judgemental people out there. Thank you very much.

 

[Maritxu1]

Reading these have made me incredibly sad, especially those who have lost children. I am sending so much love, I don't really have any other words. I hope life is kinder to all of you. I will share mine in a little while.

I had an unsettled childhood. My dad is foreign and left to live in his country when I was about 3, shortly after my older sister was diagnosed with cancer. My mum was away with her in hospital a lot and I stayed with family members. When I was very young I couldn't understand why both my parents had left me. After years of fighting, when I was 7 (and my sister was 16) she passed away in the night. We were living with my grandparents and she had a bed set up in the living room. The following morning I woke up for school, went downstairs to have my breakfast and discovered her body. I asked my mum why she wasnt breathing and she told me she was dead. I won't ever forget that moment.
After that we lived with my grandparents for years, my mum was suicidal and could only provide the most basic care for me and my younger sister. I had no real support and was left to get on with things, I cried myself to sleep most nights and had nightmares often. I also felt like I wanted to die a lot of the time.
When I was 12, my mum found us a house to live in and I was excited that we were going to be a normal family. My mums boyfriend also moved in though, he was nasty, controlling and abusive (mostly towards me). Their relationship finally ended years later when he threw her over a chair and fractured her skull and broke her ribs (he did this in front of me, I had to kick him out and call her an ambulance and go to the hospital with her).
Before this though I couldn't stand living with him and left to go and live with my dad, he was emotionally abusive. He would create arguments with me (for example ask me if I actually loved him, then accuse me of lying and say I dont love him). He would punish me by giving me the silent treatment, I would be kept in my bedroom only allowed out to go to school and allowed one meal a day. This would go on for weeks until I would break down, cry and apologise then he would be ok with me again for a couple weeks until the cycle started again. After a year of this he kicked me out and sent me back to England.
At this point I was 14 and my mum wouldn't let me back to her so I went to live with my grandparents again, probably the most settled couple years of my life! Once I left school at 16 I went to live with my mum but our relationship broke down quickly (I was angry, naughty, full of attitude and off the rails), I ended up living in a b&b as a child in care. I moved between temporary accommodation for 2 years then when I was 18 met a man a fair bit older than me and got pregnant. He was also very controlling (there is SO much I could say about him but honestly I am the least affected by him and what he did I dont even think about it. He was recently sectioned and I'm aware that his other childs mum to this day has nightmares about him), I had a difficult pregnancy then had a little girl, stillborn at 27 weeks. After the funeral, within 3 months of each other my lovely nanny passed away, I haemorrhaged and needed emergency surgery and my daughters father beat me literally black and blue.
I left him and met my current partner and my healing began. Slowly but surely things got better and the awful things stopped happening - I was given a council flat in an area nearby and it was the fresh start I needed. As time went on things got more and more settled and I started to become the person I wanted to be, started working and built up my confidence. I had a baby who is 4 now and things just got better.
Last year I got pregnant again, at my 20 week scan my baby was diagnosed with open spina bifida. He appeared to already have no movement in his legs and would have been severely disabled, I had to make the difficult decision to end the pregnancy. I gave birth at the end of June and he is buried with my daughter.
However, I am ok. Actually, I'm happy. My life has been chaotic and traumatic but I'm settled now. I have a good relationship with both my parents, I have a healthy, happy son who is thriving at school, I'm in a happy relationship, my home is safe and secure and I enjoy my job. My only issues now are surrounding money, I'm skint and in debt but it's nothing. I do feel like I have had some of the worst luck and I'm due some really good karma now, I might start doing the lottery!
The way I've got through everything is just to take each day as it comes, I have to get through because I have no choice! Every day doesnt have to be a good day, just get through it however I can. As time goes on, things do get easier and the pain numbs.

Sorry that was so long, I've given my entire life story!

 

[Justcameforthecomments]

Can I be honest. I’ve been through some shit but the hardest thing was watching the person I fell madly in love with love someone else.
I have moved on now and found someone had a family but when I see him or hear his name inside it does feel like a punch to the gut. It’s insane how much it affected me.

I wanted to write on here but felt like my pain was nothing compared to everyone else’s losses/pain. But I honestly don’t think I’ll ever get over the pain of being heartbroken - my partner left me after 8 years together leaving me with a 2 year old and straight away had a fling with a young girl in the office. It hurt so so much like physically I feel like I’ll never get over it. He was my first boyfriend too so I’d never had to see the person I loved with someone else, we were also engaged and I never want to be engaged again i feel like I can never re-live that magical moment again. I guess it’s still quite raw so I can’t imagine anyone seeing me naked again or sharing pregnancy/childbirth again with anyone. But everyday I feel a bit better and my little boy has pulled me through it more than anyone

 

[Blahblah93]

I have Crohn's Disease. I've had the majority of my large bowel removed and contracted sepsis after the operation. I'm currently on chemo and steroids to control it. If this fails i will have a stoma with hopes that will ease things. During this time my hair has fallen out, i got let go from work because of my illness and time off. A close friend of mine who i knew because of Crohns killed themselves because of the disease. Im currently feeling a little better but its been a shit couple of years. Its only up from here (fingers crossed hehe).

 

[tskiry56]

You will get through it.. I know it feels like you cant see any positives but life can get better.
Have you gone to counselling?
The toughest things I went through was being made redundant realising my ex was a domestic abuser and both my grandparents dying all within a year. Sometimes you get through things but you dont know how. I'll never get over the dv but I've become a stronger person.

 

[coconochanel]

I am so sorry for everything you're going through. As for your husband, maybe some couples counselling? As well as individual counselling for you. Counselling sounds daunting and scary but it can really be so helpful in helping us work through hard things and get our thoughts straight.

The hardest thing I've gone through was losing my 4 year old son. That was 4 years ago and it's not something I'll ever overcome. It's taken over every fibre of my being and every second of my life. I think about him ALL the time, which I wouldn't think was possible but he's on my mind 24/7 and I miss him so much. I don't know how I get through it and how I'm still here, but I am.

Knowing I have to get through the rest of my life without him is incredibly hard, but I have my two other kids and I know it would hurt them more if they couldn't have me as their Mum for the rest of my life. I have to be here for them.

Reading your post made me cry. Someone once said to me about loss 'you never get over it, you learn to live with it'.

 

[CoffeeMamma]

I overcame a 14 year addiction and I can safely say it was the hardest thing I’ve done. I was convinced I wouldn’t see 30 because I didn’t know a way out. It involved a lot of professional help, inward thinking and support from people close. As lots of people have said, counselling is amazing if you’re a talker! If you’re not it can be really tough to engage. Sometimes the biggest battle you win in a day is the one where you get out of bed and that’s okay. It’s still a win.

 

[Princesspinky]

Thank you for understanding and the encouragement. i love my husband very much and i dont want to leave him, i know i cant fix him, but i feel i need to be there to protect him. After a while one just wish someone would do it for you

Accepting that they can't do it for anyone else is so difficult , but it really is true.
I understand you wanting to protect him , you love him. Please talk about it with him. There is so much help out there if he's willing to accept it

 

[Orange Creme]

I started puberty at 6 so feel like I never really had a childhood. I'm not sure I ever overcame that though. I have thought about getting counselling for this but I had counselling after I was date raped and never found it helped.

Watching my mum die of cancer was pretty horrific, I had just had a baby and felt guilty that I wasnt giving either of them the attention they required when I was with the other one. And more specifically walking away from her body knowing I'll never see her again was so hard. 4 years later I do feel that I am getting through it, i allow myself bad days and have a very supportive husband.

I wish I had more advice to give but I feel like I've just climbed an uphill battle everytime I've gone through something.

 

[Rosie878]

My mom was diagnosed with cancer in January 2013, we fought it, it went into remission, it came back, fought it, went into remission again and then came back in high force and it was too late. The doctors told us they could not do anything more for her in November 2015. The month I got pregnant after trying to get pregnant for a year. You can imagine how she felt that she would not get to see her granddaughter.
She died in May 2016 after so many months of pain, basically she struggled to die all in agony. People whom you tell someone died from cancer think they died like in the movies, silent and all of the sudden. So f***ing false. It takes a person so much time to die from cancer, one of the most horrible deaths. The worst were the final 3 weeks, because by this time the cancer took away her walking ability, her eye sight, her speech and her mind. She transformed from my loving mother to a very difficult person who could not be satisfied with anything. My dad was on edge with her and I had to constantly intervene to calm them down. The mother I knew all my life as a beautiful very posh woman was now a tortured debilitated human being. She was always looking at me like she was begging me to save her. You cannot imagine how torturing it is to see your mother in this state and not be able to do anything. How cruel nature can be! My father and I watched over her day and night, and still had to work, so we had to take turns. The night she died I had just stepped out. It's like she knew I left and decided to spare me the pain and died in my absence. By this time, I was 6 months and a half pregnant. Until I gave birth I could not truly cry and mourn her because I could feel my baby descend from the motions my abdomen was making while crying and I was scared of having a miscarriage or a premature birth. So I had to learn to keep everything inside. Once I gave birth, my baby was extremely fussy. Didn't sleep and wanted to breastfeed all the time. So i was awake 20 hours a day, breasts were sore and bloody, my husband didn't support me at all. He was absent for the final 4 months of my pregnancy so I was all alone for my mother's death. The fact that I could not mourn my mom exacerbated my post partum depression and I had 2 suicide attempts in the first 8 months. The constant struggle of feeling guilty that I wanted out versus the fact that I had a baby depending on me was exhausting. For a full year after my mother's death I has PTSD. All the friends that I thought I had didn't ever so much as call to see how I was. My mother in law ignored me and my baby. At times I would not even get to eat because my baby was crying all the time and I had to hold her, but no one cared.
Babes, I am posting this to ask you to do what no one did for me when I needed it. When you hear someone has a relative who is struggling with cancer make them a homecooked meal and bring it to them. Give them a hug while they cry. Or at least give them a call. Especially if they are pregnant. No one should have to go through what I went through.
Now, after 4 years I can say I am better, but I can honestly say I can not smile the way I did before my mother's illness. My entire concept of what is important in life has changed and I am not sure this is a good thing. I am tougher and more mature, but the cost was too much.
One good thing that came out of this experience was that I am truly grateful to be alive everyday.

I lost my dad in 2012 and totally get you in terms of people not realising how painful and horrible death can be. My dad lost his mobility, independence, was in constant pain. Horrible. Our family couldn’t face him and stopped speaking to us after the funeral cos they didn’t like the arrangements we made. I still can’t get my head around it!

I had a miscarriage a couple of months ago at 13 weeks. Found out at the 12 week scan after suffering with hyperemesis gravidarum for 6 weeks (I was bedridden and could barely lift my head). Ended up in hospital for 3 days having medical management.I’m still having moments where I can’t believe it happened and have panic attacks. I already have a child and know that I am so lucky for that.

I recommend counselling. I had relational counselling where the counsellor looks at the relationships in your life and how they have defined you and why you might have been attracted to them. I found it very valuable. I took anti depressants at the same time and they worked brilliantly for me.

I just want to say everyone on this thread is so brave and I wish you didn’t have to go through this pain. It’s comforting to know I’m not on my own in a dark time xxx

 

[2xblended]

@Annie101 I really wish I could give you a big hug and make it all go away. The description of crying before and after work resonates with me as I have found myself in that spot.

The thing is, you're enabling his drinking by keeping his secret for him, and he will continue in this cycle because you love him too much to walk away (literally the definition of co-dependent and enabling). It's a terrible place to be. The cycle has to be broken.

I'm happy to see that you're both attending AA/support meetings, but I would second the advice you got earlier about therapy. It is required to empower him to deal with the issues that drive him to drink. And it is required for you to heal from the trauma you are now experiencing and to understand why you are enabling him (it's not simply love; it's often a form of self-punishment because we feel we don't deserve better). A good therapist will save both of you and your relationship.

You deserve better. Life is short and you shouldn't be spending your days terrified and in agony.

Addiction is a terrible disease and I understand it traps you and him together in this cage. Nothing about this is easy.

The fact that he locked you out shows his behaviour is escalating. At what point will you walk away and prevent him from hurting you further? Please don't feel obliged to reply to this here as I'm not trying to pry, but this is something you have to consider privately. What if he becomes violent? How much are you going to tolerate? You have to think about these things because it's already starting to go in that direction. You have to think ahead and plan for what you would do if he locked you out again or if he hit you. Please have a plan in place just in case. And think about how much is too much for you- because there has to be a line that shouldn't be crossed, or else this will just keep escalating. It just breaks my heart.

Please know I am not judging him or you, I speak only from my own experience which is similar but not exactly the same, so my advice is limited to what little I have given. Counselling with a professional who works with alcoholics, in addition to AA, is necessary. I hope you can get him to agree to go with you.

Please stay safe and stay strong.

 

[Annie101]

My husband lost his mum to cancer in 2015. He was 29 and his mum was 62.

then in December 2017 his dad fell down the stairs at home and died. He was air lifted to Walton hospital in Liverpool but was brain dead.
It didn’t help he’d had a heart attack in November and needed a stent put in and the blood thinners he was on didn’t cause his brain to clot when he fell.

my husband is an only child and lost both parents by the age of 32. He also has no family left now in the uk just cousins in SA.

as well as going through that we also underwent ivf pgd to screen out a genetic condition my husband has.
We started IVF in April 2015, had 6 transfers and spent over £30,000. I had 6 failed transfers. Our clinic was in London so I travelled from Liverpool to London literally just for a blood test and back home continuously for 4 years.

My amazing friend then offered to be our surrogate and we are now 22 weeks pregnant and finally seeing light.

everyone here is so strong and amazing and I hope you all have the support network of friends we have that have pulled us up out of the dark times.
OP - have you close friends? Have you thought about counselling?I know when people are on the drunk mental health services and places don’t tend to get involved. Could you call an AA for advice?

to get me through tough times I used to read a lot of quotes. My favourite was:

‘ on the bad days when I don’t think I can possibly survive, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that’s pretty good’

My inbox is always open if needed, for anyone xxx

You are very kind - thank you. I am also in SA. My husband goes to AA meetings once a week for the past 5 months. He got himself a sponsor this week. I go to Al Alnon meetings for families of alcoholics. Most of the people there are adult children of alcoholic parents. I know it is hard for them, but going home to an alcoholic husband is different than dealing with your parents issues you had as a child. The sponsor came to our house on Monday to discuss his behaviour towards me, and my husband was just the best actor ever. He acted as if he could be Dalai Lama's brother. As soon as he left i was back walking on egg shells. I was locked out the house this past weekend and slept outside, i was allowed to enter the house in the morning when he took the dogs out. All of this breaks my heart, because this man tells me he loves me but he acts this way. Sponsor said i must be patient as he must still learn new behaviour skills and grow emotionally as the alcohol affects one's brain. I drive to work in the morning crying and act/pretend at work every day that all is well. Driving home i start crying again with pent up feelings of fear/anger/resentment. I did send him an email, yes an email because i am to scared to tell him in person that i am going on a holiday by myself to Thailand in March to clear my mind. So last night i was treated well, he is asking me not to go. It is a daily struggle and i want to believe things would change and that he can be normal again. I know this is a lot of private information to share on here, but since my friends and family knows nothing about this, it gives me some relief to post the truth on here.

 

[Annie101]

i lost my fiancé to suicide 7 months ago. It was 12 weeks before our wedding.
I’m surviving but I’m not sure how.

I am so sorry, i hope you are surrounded by people that support and loves you.

 

[NapQueen]

I won’t share mine because it pales in comparison, but just know that you’re all fucking badass warriors for getting through all that you have.

 

[Annie101]

Thank you for understanding and the encouragement. i love my husband very much and i dont want to leave him, i know i cant fix him, but i feel i need to be there to protect him. After a while one just wish someone would do it for you

 

[petitspois]

Hi Annie - you can make changes and, little by little, your life will feel better. You could think of the option of separating from your husband. It seems like there is enough money to ensure you would both have a decent life afterwards. Start new hobbies and join clubs. You could think about fostering or respite care. I know it's easy to dish out advise but, by helping others, you will feel more worthwhile and gain some peace. All of this can't happen overnight of course but, in a year or two, you could have a new life.

 

[37BBL]

I am so sorry for everything you're going through. As for your husband, maybe some couples counselling? As well as individual counselling for you. Counselling sounds daunting and scary but it can really be so helpful in helping us work through hard things and get our thoughts straight.

The hardest thing I've gone through was losing my 4 year old son. That was 4 years ago and it's not something I'll ever overcome. It's taken over every fibre of my being and every second of my life. I think about him ALL the time, which I wouldn't think was possible but he's on my mind 24/7 and I miss him so much. I don't know how I get through it and how I'm still here, but I am.

Knowing I have to get through the rest of my life without him is incredibly hard, but I have my two other kids and I know it would hurt them more if they couldn't have me as their Mum for the rest of my life. I have to be here for them.

I'm so, so sorry x x

 

[Dizzy]

i lost my fiancé to suicide 7 months ago. It was 12 weeks before our wedding.
I’m surviving but I’m not sure how.

I’m so sorry for your loss x

I am so sorry for everything you're going through. As for your husband, maybe some couples counselling? As well as individual counselling for you. Counselling sounds daunting and scary but it can really be so helpful in helping us work through hard things and get our thoughts straight.

The hardest thing I've gone through was losing my 4 year old son. That was 4 years ago and it's not something I'll ever overcome. It's taken over every fibre of my being and every second of my life. I think about him ALL the time, which I wouldn't think was possible but he's on my mind 24/7 and I miss him so much. I don't know how I get through it and how I'm still here, but I am.

Knowing I have to get through the rest of my life without him is incredibly hard, but I have my two other kids and I know it would hurt them more if they couldn't have me as their Mum for the rest of my life. I have to be here for them.

I’m so sorry you lost your boy. Truly heartbreaking. My thoughts are with you x

My hardest thing was my divorce, nothing compared to what some of you have endured but tough for me at the time.

To the OP, please seek some counselling. Talking always helps. The very best of luck to you x

 

[2xblended]

Having an extremely premature baby then being diagnosed with an incurable rare cancer weeks after the birth. Took me months to take it in and accept my life was now different. I'm not going to live as long as I would like (average life expectancy is just under 5 years and I am now 16 months into diagnosis) and I won't see my children grow up but we are living in the moment and enjoying what time we have. This why I joined this site because all these instagrammers don't realise there is more to life than watching it through your phone!

I don't have the appropriate words to express my overwhelming feelings around this. However, please know that your choice to live in the moment is a beautiful mentality and will serve you well. I say this as someone who has lost many people to cancer, and some of them were so stressed, exhausted, and afraid that they couldn't enjoy their last years at all. I'm proud of you for choosing to live each day fully and appreciate the joy in each moment.

To be strong when the whole world would forgive you for being weak, that is the definition of true strength. You are remarkable.

So much more I wish I could say but words aren't sufficient.

 

[Mustard]

As someone said above I definitely recommend therapy and try and find the right person and it will help!
I was sexually abused as a child by my older brother and never told my mum as she suffered with severe depression and I knew it would kill her - my brother was also her favourite so maybe I thought she wouldn’t believe me She died 2 years ago from alcoholic liver disease and I did think of telling her on her death bed but then thought there’s no point. I still fell so angry all the time (I don’t speak to my brother but he lives near so see him sometimes) but you can’t let the anger weigh you down. I’m reading a few self help books so hopefully that will help.
I’ve also had lots of suicidal feelings and wished a serious illness on myself but these days if I can get through one day without thinking this I know I’ve done good
Chin up because us women are made of strong stuff xx

You are amazing. Have you considered going to the police about your brother? I know it would be hard, but it's possible he will do the same to someone else. Does he have children or is he in contact with them? Who have you talked to about this? I wish you peace.