Trigger warning- relationship advice, abuse?

FlipFlop0706 · Oct 19, 2023

Much as everyone else- you are not consenting so it’s sexual assault plain and simple. You can be grape even by your husband. I hate to say it but it sounds like he initially paused his behaviour because you had the courage to bring it up and because you had an inheritance coming your way. Once you got the house, then he was back to his old behaviour. The fact he has said that you will be the one to move out and he stays in the house YOU bought with YOUR inheritance is emotional manipulation so he can carry on behaving like this.

Please seek help from citizens advice, the police or a sexual abuse charity who can best advise you going further. What he is doing is NOT ok. Get legal representation re the house and childcare. Keep a record of the times and what exactly happened.

Big love to you x

Shinythings · Oct 19, 2023

Swipeupyouguys said:
This post made me so angry, i am furious this is happening to you.

This man is NOT a good man despite what your parents may tell you. He is raping you in your sleep and that is horrific, I am so so sorry that you are enduring this.

It is my experience that we often are kinder to others than we are to ourselves, if your best friend, a family member or (in the future) one of your children confessed this was happening to them (with their future spouse) what would you tell them to do? Stick it out as he's a good man in most other areas - I doubt it.

Please go to your local citizens advice bureau and seek free legal advice and support about how to proceed with getting him out of your house and out of your life. What he is doing is against the law, men have been convicted of raping their wives for doing this. You should not have to endure this torture at the hands of someone who is meant to care for you and put your needs above his own. What if he did it to one of your children next?!

Please, do not tell him you are doing any of this, leave your mobile behind in case he is tracking it, cover all bases just in case. Remove relevant searches from your browser history every time you log off.

You stated bought that house you and your family live in with your inheritance money. That is your money, not joint money no matter if you are married. Do not believe him if he tells you otherwise.

You write he behaved well (and didn't grape you in your sleep) while the house was being purchased and now he feels safe to return to his normal abhorrent behaviour thinking he has feet under the table in a house? No, that is unacceptable.

It is safe to do I would get a handyperson in to put a strong lock and bolt on your spare room door and sleep in there until you can get him out.

He has done this - not you. His actions have caused harm and the breakdown of his marriage/family.

None of this is your fault, anything that happens is a consequence of his actions. Please be careful and please get away from him.

This is the correct answer and quite frankly I'm quite shocked with how lenient some of the replies have been. He's not only sexually abusing you but emotionally abusing you too and I'm so sorry your family is condoning this. Take the advice in this post and you absolutely should also speak with a sexual abuse charity who can advise you on how to manage this and reporting this if you want to.

Please get away from this man. He does not love or respect you.

judgejohndeed · Oct 19, 2023

I'm sorry to say it but some of the advice here isn't legally correct. I wrote and deleted a post as it doesn't sound like OP is in the headspace right now to receive this information so I'm not sure whether it's helpful to overwhelm her. But as OP and her husband are in a long marriage and the house was bought during the marriage, it is now a marital asset and he would be entitled to a share of it if they were to divorce. That is the same whether or not he's on the mortgage and whether or not he's on the deeds, I'm afraid.

This is all a long way off for OP though - most importantly OP should not leave the house if/when he asks her to, she can change the locks but as per the above he would be able to go to court and get an order to re-gain access as the house is also his property. OP's best legal bet is getting a non-mol asap which is very easy to do, can be obtained without service, and then seek comprehensive legal advice before the return hearing. There are lots of very good family solicitors who offer 30-60 mins free advice that OP could make use of and given the sexual abuse OP can also seek legal aid. You can get a non-mol without representation by going to your local family court and asking for the application form. The appointment with a judge is usually 5-15 minutes max and they are very experienced with litigants in person and will be kind/speak in plain language so everything is understandable, there is no reason to fear this if you choose to do so OP, and you can take a friend/family member with you.

ETA - OP if your local family court has a Personal Support Unit I would highly recommend their services for obtaining a non-mol without representation. They cannot give you legal advice or speak in court for you but they will be experienced in completing the form, can tell you what to expect when you go in, and will be able to accompany you in court if you don't have anyone else to go with you. It's free but they are busy so you may have to wait or make an appointment, not sure how they're operating post COVID

Anastasia B · Oct 19, 2023

Just wanted to check in, there's so much advice been thrown your way it must all seem over whelming. We all just want the best for you... you deserve to feel safe, remember there is nothing you did to deserve this or to bring this onto yourself. You are stronger than what you think. Creating this post alone shows the courage you had to do it and it shows you know deep down its not ok, you deserve respect...please consider contacting a professional..

JuneJuneHannah · Oct 19, 2023

You've taken the first steps by making this post. Stay safe and take the next steps when you are ready.

Elle Woods · Oct 20, 2023

Swipeupyouguys said:
You stated bought that house you and your family live in with your inheritance money. That is your money, not joint money no matter if you are married. Do not believe him if he tells you otherwise.

Whilst I completely agree with your post and OP needs to get away from this man fast, this part is entirely incorrect. They are married and the house was bought during the marriage, therefore, unless she has ringfenced a certain percentage via a Deed of Trust to reflect the inheritance aspect of the contribution, then the property is a joint marital asset.

OP I really hope you're able to take the advice given on this thread seriously - get away from him. This is sexual assault and you are not consenting.

ElChanguito · Oct 20, 2023

I'm so sorry for you, OP. We're all here for you, posting what you did was a big first step. He shouldn't get away with the crimes he has committed against you. I doubt you are his only victim.

Asterix · Oct 20, 2023

I'm concerned that he was able to curb his assaults until the house was bought. Until that point, from his point of view, that inheritance was yours and you could use it to leave him. Now it's half his and he thinks he has you contained so he's starting up again. Please get legal advice asap but keep it on the downlow. Get a burner phone if you have to. I am really worried that his abuse is going to escalate.

Wishing you the very best.

Realitybites · Oct 20, 2023

judgejohndeed said:
I'm sorry to say it but some of the advice here isn't legally correct. I wrote and deleted a post as it doesn't sound like OP is in the headspace right now to receive this information so I'm not sure whether it's helpful to overwhelm her. But as OP and her husband are in a long marriage and the house was bought during the marriage, it is now a marital asset and he would be entitled to a share of it if they were to divorce. That is the same whether or not he's on the mortgage and whether or not he's on the deeds, I'm afraid.

This is all a long way off for OP though - most importantly OP should not leave the house if/when he asks her to, she can change the locks but as per the above he would be able to go to court and get an order to re-gain access as the house is also his property. OP's best legal bet is getting a non-mol asap which is very easy to do, can be obtained without service, and then seek comprehensive legal advice before the return hearing. There are lots of very good family solicitors who offer 30-60 mins free advice that OP could make use of and given the sexual abuse OP can also seek legal aid. You can get a non-mol without representation by going to your local family court and asking for the application form. The appointment with a judge is usually 5-15 minutes max and they are very experienced with litigants in person and will be kind/speak in plain language so everything is understandable, there is no reason to fear this if you choose to do so OP, and you can take a friend/family member with you.

ETA - OP if your local family court has a Personal Support Unit I would highly recommend their services for obtaining a non-mol without representation. They cannot give you legal advice or speak in court for you but they will be experienced in completing the form, can tell you what to expect when you go in, and will be able to accompany you in court if you don't have anyone else to go with you. It's free but they are busy so you may have to wait or make an appointment, not sure how they're operating post COVID

Excellent advice here, just wanted to add if you knew your devices were safe https://www.flows.org.uk/ has an online option for applying for a non-mol. Rights of Women is also another brilliant resource to explore. There are also other civil options you could explore (such as an Occupation order) but that would be my priority.

More importantly OP, I’m sorry this has happened to you and we are all here to support you. Abuse of any kind is never right.

judgejohndeed · Oct 20, 2023

I feel like OP isn't at the legal advice stage atm, the helplines might be more useful right now. It's so difficult and brave admitting you're being assaulted especially by a husband OP, you've taken a big step posting here, I hope you feel some comfort in being believed and validated and can take the time now to think about what you want to do next

Peakyblinders · Oct 20, 2023

You’re being grape.
---

Telly Fanatic said:
So he only wants sex with you when you're sleeping?,

Sounds like some kind of fetish he has?.

Fetish? You mean grape. If a random guy was in bed with her we’d be saying it’s grape so why not the same because it’s her partner? It’s grape and I can’t believe people are making excuses for this

Caffeine Fiend · Oct 20, 2023

I havent read all the replies in detail but Im disgusted that some people are defending this as a sleep disorder or fetish.

If my partner told me I was sexually assaulting them in their sleep and I wasnt aware Id be doing everything in my power to prevent it happening. I.e sleeping in a separate room with a lock to stop me getting to them.

Please seek legal advice in regards to the property ( was your deposit protected in any way?)

This is sexual assault OP and is not ok.

judgejohndeed · Oct 20, 2023

Yeah the fetish is called consensual non consent (CNC) but the crucial part is - it's consensual. You talk about it first. What you don't do is assault your wife, have her tell you she doesn't like it, keep doing it, stop because you get a sniff of some money coming your way, then start it up again. That is just assault.

Caffeine Fiend · Oct 20, 2023

judgejohndeed said:
Yeah the fetish is called consensual non consent (CNC) but the crucial part is - it's consensual. You talk about it first. What you don't do is assault your wife, have her tell you she doesn't like it, keep doing it, stop because you get a sniff of some money coming your way, then start it up again. That is just assault.

Yes absolutely agree with this. Its ok if its something youve spoken about as a couple and agreed to. Its also something that requires open communication and continued consent. Its not oh they said ok once 5 months ago lets do it again without confirming with your sexual partner it is still ok.

Unless there is enthusiastic consent then its a no.

ItsDatCuw · Oct 22, 2023

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. As others have pointed out, I don’t believe this is sexsomnia as he consciously stopped when he felt his security/marriage was possibly under threat and then started up again once he felt “safe” enough.

Others have given some amazing advice here already so I just wanted you to know that you’re not alone: I’ve gone through exactly this with an ex and it is absolutely traumatizing so I really feel for you and know how horrible it is.

He would wake me up (accidentally) very early in the morning by doing something very similar to what you described. It was quite painful and uncomfortable so in my half-asleep state, I’d immediately grab and push his hand away with some force - he couldn’t have been under any illusions about how I felt - but he would then repeatedly move his hand firmly back into the same position. This could happen up to three or four times at a time until he’d give up and (semi-angrily) say something victim-blaming like: “I see you’re not a very cheerful person in the morning.” Like you, I froze for the most part and apart from pushing his hand away as an automatic reaction due to the discomfort, I found it hard to say anything or discuss it afterwards.

I blocked it out during the relationship for the most part. It’s only when you’re free, it hits you just how wrong it really was. It was and is sexual assault, and there is also a strong gaslighting/mind-game element to it as well. Protect yourself no matter what.