Trigger warning- relationship advice, abuse?

[Swipeupyouguys]

Morning
I need some advice..
Me and my husband have been together almost 10 years, married 6, and have two children.
We have lived together the whole time.
Since my youngest was born (almost 6) my husband keeps touching me sexually in the night while i am asleep, I wake up to him with his hands on my vagina etc, sometimes inside but this hasn't happened for a long time as far as I'm aware.
Years ago when it first started I use to wake up frozen scared and just lay still and see what happened, he would always act as if he was being careful not to wake me, will carefully put my clothes back how they were etc. He does not make the effort with me while im awake, he wont kiss me etc before bed, he will wait till im sleeping. I hate it.
So we have had huge arguments about this, I dont like it, I dont consent. Relationships been very rocky for this reason.
So in the last year we had a huge argument about 8 months ago I said if it happened again I would call the police and that he would have to move out, he told me if it came to that i would be moving out and he would be staying put with the children as "his presence makes more of an impact". It all stopped. Things got better, we brought a house together in September with inheritance from my family.
Since the house went through and contacts were exchanged, it has been happening again, almost every other night, I'm getting barely any sleep, I'm anxious and stressed out. What the hell do I do?
He doesn't listen to me, he has no respect for me, also in this time period since it has ramped up again I've been through an awful termination due to medical reasons, and I've woken up this morning after being frozen with him touching me last night, and not said a word to him, and unless I bring it up he won't acknowledge it.
I feel like I can't leave as I can't afford the house on my own, and also all things aside he is a fantastic dad to our children.
I also confided in my mum about it and she basically told me he is a great man and to get over it so I feel I have no support and will be made put to be the bad guy.

Also to add we moved 6 hours away from both our home towns so bar my parents and a few friends we have no one here.

This post made me so angry, i am furious this is happening to you.

This man is NOT a good man despite what your parents may tell you. He is raping you in your sleep and that is horrific, I am so so sorry that you are enduring this.

It is my experience that we often are kinder to others than we are to ourselves, if your best friend, a family member or (in the future) one of your children confessed this was happening to them (with their future spouse) what would you tell them to do? Stick it out as he's a good man in most other areas - I doubt it.

Please go to your local citizens advice bureau and seek free legal advice and support about how to proceed with getting him out of your house and out of your life. What he is doing is against the law, men have been convicted of raping their wives for doing this. You should not have to endure this torture at the hands of someone who is meant to care for you and put your needs above his own. What if he did it to one of your children next?!

Please, do not tell him you are doing any of this, leave your mobile behind in case he is tracking it, cover all bases just in case. Remove relevant searches from your browser history every time you log off.

You stated bought that house you and your family live in with your inheritance money. That is your money, not joint money no matter if you are married. Do not believe him if he tells you otherwise.

You write he behaved well (and didn't rape you in your sleep) while the house was being purchased and now he feels safe to return to his normal abhorrent behaviour thinking he has feet under the table in a house? No, that is unacceptable.

It is safe to do I would get a handyperson in to put a strong lock and bolt on your spare room door and sleep in there until you can get him out.

He has done this - not you. His actions have caused harm and the breakdown of his marriage/family.

None of this is your fault, anything that happens is a consequence of his actions. Please be careful and please get away from him.

 

[BearOnChair]

It is probably a sleep disorder. Similar to sleep walking. My husband will move furniture and all sorts while he's asleep and doesn't remember any of it when he wakes up!

It's not a sleep disorder, it's assault.

 

[Shinythings]

This post made me so angry, i am furious this is happening to you.

This man is NOT a good man despite what your parents may tell you. He is raping you in your sleep and that is horrific, I am so so sorry that you are enduring this.

It is my experience that we often are kinder to others than we are to ourselves, if your best friend, a family member or (in the future) one of your children confessed this was happening to them (with their future spouse) what would you tell them to do? Stick it out as he's a good man in most other areas - I doubt it.

Please go to your local citizens advice bureau and seek free legal advice and support about how to proceed with getting him out of your house and out of your life. What he is doing is against the law, men have been convicted of raping their wives for doing this. You should not have to endure this torture at the hands of someone who is meant to care for you and put your needs above his own. What if he did it to one of your children next?!

Please, do not tell him you are doing any of this, leave your mobile behind in case he is tracking it, cover all bases just in case. Remove relevant searches from your browser history every time you log off.

You stated bought that house you and your family live in with your inheritance money. That is your money, not joint money no matter if you are married. Do not believe him if he tells you otherwise.

You write he behaved well (and didn't rape you in your sleep) while the house was being purchased and now he feels safe to return to his normal abhorrent behaviour thinking he has feet under the table in a house? No, that is unacceptable.

It is safe to do I would get a handyperson in to put a strong lock and bolt on your spare room door and sleep in there until you can get him out.

He has done this - not you. His actions have caused harm and the breakdown of his marriage/family.

None of this is your fault, anything that happens is a consequence of his actions. Please be careful and please get away from him.

This is the correct answer and quite frankly I'm quite shocked with how lenient some of the replies have been. He's not only sexually abusing you but emotionally abusing you too and I'm so sorry your family is condoning this. Take the advice in this post and you absolutely should also speak with a sexual abuse charity who can advise you on how to manage this and reporting this if you want to.

Please get away from this man. He does not love or respect you.

 

[Hollie Day]

Sexomnia my arse. Surely he would be appalled and embarrassed on being informed about what he's doing and would be apologetic and offer to seek help.
The fact that he doesn't care that its causing you distress , continues to argue about it, and then threatens to take the kids off you if tell speaks volumes.
Pity the women who accept the sleep disorder shite that was probably made up by a male think tank so more men can get off with assaults.

 

[Anastasia B]

I am so sorry this is happening to you. This is abuse, this is not sexsomnia or other excuses. Go to the police explain to them what is happening. Seek legal aid and see about getting a barring order. The line about keeping the children screams narcissism. I recommend ringing your local women's aid they will guide you through it all in a non judgemental way. None of this is your fault. I worry for both you and your children. You deserve to feel safe in your own home.

 

[judgejohndeed]

I'm sorry to say it but some of the advice here isn't legally correct. I wrote and deleted a post as it doesn't sound like OP is in the headspace right now to receive this information so I'm not sure whether it's helpful to overwhelm her. But as OP and her husband are in a long marriage and the house was bought during the marriage, it is now a marital asset and he would be entitled to a share of it if they were to divorce. That is the same whether or not he's on the mortgage and whether or not he's on the deeds, I'm afraid.

This is all a long way off for OP though - most importantly OP should not leave the house if/when he asks her to, she can change the locks but as per the above he would be able to go to court and get an order to re-gain access as the house is also his property. OP's best legal bet is getting a non-mol asap which is very easy to do, can be obtained without service, and then seek comprehensive legal advice before the return hearing. There are lots of very good family solicitors who offer 30-60 mins free advice that OP could make use of and given the sexual abuse OP can also seek legal aid. You can get a non-mol without representation by going to your local family court and asking for the application form. The appointment with a judge is usually 5-15 minutes max and they are very experienced with litigants in person and will be kind/speak in plain language so everything is understandable, there is no reason to fear this if you choose to do so OP, and you can take a friend/family member with you.

ETA - OP if your local family court has a Personal Support Unit I would highly recommend their services for obtaining a non-mol without representation. They cannot give you legal advice or speak in court for you but they will be experienced in completing the form, can tell you what to expect when you go in, and will be able to accompany you in court if you don't have anyone else to go with you. It's free but they are busy so you may have to wait or make an appointment, not sure how they're operating post COVID

 

[judgejohndeed]

OP do not suggest sexsomnia to him. This is not what it is and I don't know why people keep going on about it. You have argued about this issue in the past - you have not said that he has ever said he doesn't remember. He knows full well what he is doing and this is assault.

You need to go and get legal advice because there are certainly ways of getting him out of the house, not allowed back, and for you to have occupation of the house. I am so sorry that you have no support from your Mum either. There are lots of rape crisis helplines etc that you can call for help, support, or just a listening ear - please make use of these whenever you feel like you need to talk to someone who will believe you and support you 100%

 

[Peakyblinders]

You’re being raped.
---

So he only wants sex with you when you're sleeping?,

Sounds like some kind of fetish he has?.

Fetish? You mean rape. If a random guy was in bed with her we’d be saying it’s rape so why not the same because it’s her partner? It’s rape and I can’t believe people are making excuses for this

 

[Asterix]

I'm concerned that he was able to curb his assaults until the house was bought. Until that point, from his point of view, that inheritance was yours and you could use it to leave him. Now it's half his and he thinks he has you contained so he's starting up again. Please get legal advice asap but keep it on the downlow. Get a burner phone if you have to. I am really worried that his abuse is going to escalate.

Wishing you the very best.

 

[biscuitthief]

As someone else mentioned. Sexsomnia is a possibility.

Only if he has no awareness or memory of his actions whilst in that state. Which I doubt from what OP is saying.

What is important here is that OP does not like what her husband is doing to her. It is making her stressed, anxious and frightened. She says her husband doesn't respect her or listen to her. She needs him to stop.

 

[CelinaRoger]

Morning
I need some advice..
Me and my husband have been together almost 10 years, married 6, and have two children.
We have lived together the whole time.
Since my youngest was born (almost 6) my husband keeps touching me sexually in the night while i am asleep, I wake up to him with his hands on my vagina etc, sometimes inside but this hasn't happened for a long time as far as I'm aware.
Years ago when it first started I use to wake up frozen scared and just lay still and see what happened, he would always act as if he was being careful not to wake me, will carefully put my clothes back how they were etc. He does not make the effort with me while im awake, he wont kiss me etc before bed, he will wait till im sleeping. I hate it.
So we have had huge arguments about this, I dont like it, I dont consent. Relationships been very rocky for this reason.
So in the last year we had a huge argument about 8 months ago I said if it happened again I would call the police and that he would have to move out, he told me if it came to that i would be moving out and he would be staying put with the children as "his presence makes more of an impact". It all stopped. Things got better, we brought a house together in September with inheritance from my family.
Since the house went through and contacts were exchanged, it has been happening again, almost every other night, I'm getting barely any sleep, I'm anxious and stressed out. What the hell do I do?
He doesn't listen to me, he has no respect for me, also in this time period since it has ramped up again I've been through an awful termination due to medical reasons, and I've woken up this morning after being frozen with him touching me last night, and not said a word to him, and unless I bring it up he won't acknowledge it.
I feel like I can't leave as I can't afford the house on my own, and also all things aside he is a fantastic dad to our children.
I also confided in my mum about it and she basically told me he is a great man and to get over it so I feel I have no support and will be made put to be the bad guy.

Also to add we moved 6 hours away from both our home towns so bar my parents and a few friends we have no one here.

 

[Caffeine Fiend]

I havent read all the replies in detail but Im disgusted that some people are defending this as a sleep disorder or fetish.

If my partner told me I was sexually assaulting them in their sleep and I wasnt aware Id be doing everything in my power to prevent it happening. I.e sleeping in a separate room with a lock to stop me getting to them.

Please seek legal advice in regards to the property ( was your deposit protected in any way?)

This is sexual assault OP and is not ok.

 

[judgejohndeed]

Yeah the fetish is called consensual non consent (CNC) but the crucial part is - it's consensual. You talk about it first. What you don't do is assault your wife, have her tell you she doesn't like it, keep doing it, stop because you get a sniff of some money coming your way, then start it up again. That is just assault.

 

[judgejohndeed]

I feel like OP isn't at the legal advice stage atm, the helplines might be more useful right now. It's so difficult and brave admitting you're being assaulted especially by a husband OP, you've taken a big step posting here, I hope you feel some comfort in being believed and validated and can take the time now to think about what you want to do next

 

[biscuitthief]

I'm sorry you are going through this @CelinaRoger. I can tell this is really affecting your mental health. You are not overreacting - I would feel the same if this was happening to me. My initial reaction is GET OUT OF THERE! What your husband is doing is wrong!

You have had replies suggesting possible sleep disorder - If he is claiming to not remember/know he is doing it, you could demand he see a medical professional in order to start treatment for any underlying disorder that may be causing him to behave this way during sleep. As this is impacting your sleep and health, sleeping separately might be the best idea (and bolt the door!) If he truly has a sleep disorder, he should be willing to seek help in order to stop the behaviour.

You know your husband better than anyone and you have a much better idea as to whether or not he is telling the truth when he says he doesn't know he is doing it. I know someone who's husband suffers with sexsomnia and he has no clue whatsoever the next day when she tells him he tried to do x y z during the night. None. He was horrified and disgusted with himself when she told him the first time! The fact you say your husband has previously said to you that he doesn't know why he does it and the fact you say he seems to be careful not to wake you suggests to me there is consciousness when he does this. I genuinely felt really uncomfortable reading this in your post. You do not deserve to be treated this way.

If he is doing this on purpose (for whatever reason) and you do not consent to it and he doesn't stop when you tell him to THAT IS NOT OKAY! I am sorry to say but he is sexually assaulting you and you really should contact the police. There is the option of a Non Molestation Order or Occupation Order which would prevent your husband from contacting/living with you. It is your house from your inheritence - he doesn't have the right to stay put. A NMO or OO will see to that.

It may also be an idea to contact Women's Aid for advice. https://www.womensaid.org.uk/ https://refuge.org.uk has some useful info and you can contact them via online chat if you need help. Make sure you delete your browsing history, cookies etc. Make sure your husband isn't around when you do this - just to be safe.

Please be careful and stay safe. You have done nothing wrong here - do not let anyone dismiss you.

 

[CelinaRoger]

No he wouldn’t remember it.

What did you used to say to him when you’d wake up to him doing it?

I would suggest making him sleep on the sofa until he moves out.

I used to move to a different room or tell him to stop, he used to say he was " trying to wake me up" which he wasn't at all.

 

[Anastasia B]

Just wanted to check in, there's so much advice been thrown your way it must all seem over whelming. We all just want the best for you... you deserve to feel safe, remember there is nothing you did to deserve this or to bring this onto yourself. You are stronger than what you think. Creating this post alone shows the courage you had to do it and it shows you know deep down its not ok, you deserve respect...please consider contacting a professional..

 

[FlipFlop0706]

Much as everyone else- you are not consenting so it’s sexual assault plain and simple. You can be raped even by your husband. I hate to say it but it sounds like he initially paused his behaviour because you had the courage to bring it up and because you had an inheritance coming your way. Once you got the house, then he was back to his old behaviour. The fact he has said that you will be the one to move out and he stays in the house YOU bought with YOUR inheritance is emotional manipulation so he can carry on behaving like this.

Please seek help from citizens advice, the police or a sexual abuse charity who can best advise you going further. What he is doing is NOT ok. Get legal representation re the house and childcare. Keep a record of the times and what exactly happened.

Big love to you x

 

[BearOnChair]

I feel like I can't leave as I can't afford the house on my own, and also all things aside he is a fantastic dad to our children.
I also confided in my mum about it and she basically told me he is a great man and to get over it so I feel I have no support and will be made put to be the bad guy.

I'm sorry this is happening to you and your mum said that too. I don't believe you can be a great dad if you don't respect your kids mum.

I agree with the above post, it's time to leave x

 

[biscuitthief]

I used to move to a different room or tell him to stop, he used to say he was " trying to wake me up" which he wasn't at all.

Please get some legal advice asap. You need to get him out of your house. If you feel that you are in danger or at risk right now, please call the police.

If you feel you can't speak to the police, please try and get in contact with a womens aid organisation or a sexual assault referral centre who will be able to advise you. Your local SARC can put you in contact with a specialist police officer and refer you for mental health support to help you through this.