Trigger warning- relationship advice, abuse?

[CelinaRoger]

Morning
I need some advice..
Me and my husband have been together almost 10 years, married 6, and have two children.
We have lived together the whole time.
Since my youngest was born (almost 6) my husband keeps touching me sexually in the night while i am asleep, I wake up to him with his hands on my tina etc, sometimes inside but this hasn't happened for a long time as far as I'm aware.
Years ago when it first started I use to wake up frozen scared and just lay still and see what happened, he would always act as if he was being careful not to wake me, will carefully put my clothes back how they were etc. He does not make the effort with me while im awake, he wont kiss me etc before bed, he will wait till im sleeping. I hate it.
So we have had huge arguments about this, I dont like it, I dont consent. Relationships been very rocky for this reason.
So in the last year we had a huge argument about 8 months ago I said if it happened again I would call the police and that he would have to move out, he told me if it came to that i would be moving out and he would be staying put with the children as "his presence makes more of an impact". It all stopped. Things got better, we brought a house together in September with inheritance from my family.
Since the house went through and contacts were exchanged, it has been happening again, almost every other night, I'm getting barely any sleep, I'm anxious and stressed out. What the hell do I do?
He doesn't listen to me, he has no respect for me, also in this time period since it has ramped up again I've been through an awful termination due to medical reasons, and I've woken up this morning after being frozen with him touching me last night, and not said a word to him, and unless I bring it up he won't acknowledge it.
I feel like I can't leave as I can't afford the house on my own, and also all things aside he is a fantastic dad to our children.
I also confided in my mum about it and she basically told me he is a great man and to get over it so I feel I have no support and will be made put to be the bad guy.

Also to add we moved 6 hours away from both our home towns so bar my parents and a few friends we have no one here.

 

[Telly Fanatic]

So he only wants sex with you when you're sleeping?,

Sounds like some kind of fetish he has?.

 

[Suzesnooze]

Does he say why he does it?

When I first started reading I thought he probably had a sleep disorder and he doesn’t know he’s doing it but then you said you discussed it so that rules that out. My husband talks and moves things in his sleep and does all sorts but he can’t remember any of it the next day.

I suppose you could sleep in separate rooms if he won’t move out ?

 

[CelinaRoger]

Maybe a fetish but even if it was does this make it okay? Like shall i just get on with it am i over reacting? . Who knows, it's been going on for 5 years now and every time I bring it up he promises he won't do it again and how sorry he is. This morning he has claimed he doesn't know he is doing it, as I told him he has to leave. But I don't know if I belive this as in 5 years he has never mentioned it before he always just says he doesn't know why he does it.

 

[Suzesnooze]

It is probably a sleep disorder. Similar to sleep walking. My husband will move furniture and all sorts while he's asleep and doesn't remember any of it when he wakes up!

 

[Swipeupyouguys]

Morning
I need some advice..
Me and my husband have been together almost 10 years, married 6, and have two children.
We have lived together the whole time.
Since my youngest was born (almost 6) my husband keeps touching me sexually in the night while i am asleep, I wake up to him with his hands on my tina etc, sometimes inside but this hasn't happened for a long time as far as I'm aware.
Years ago when it first started I use to wake up frozen scared and just lay still and see what happened, he would always act as if he was being careful not to wake me, will carefully put my clothes back how they were etc. He does not make the effort with me while im awake, he wont kiss me etc before bed, he will wait till im sleeping. I hate it.
So we have had huge arguments about this, I dont like it, I dont consent. Relationships been very rocky for this reason.
So in the last year we had a huge argument about 8 months ago I said if it happened again I would call the police and that he would have to move out, he told me if it came to that i would be moving out and he would be staying put with the children as "his presence makes more of an impact". It all stopped. Things got better, we brought a house together in September with inheritance from my family.
Since the house went through and contacts were exchanged, it has been happening again, almost every other night, I'm getting barely any sleep, I'm anxious and stressed out. What the hell do I do?
He doesn't listen to me, he has no respect for me, also in this time period since it has ramped up again I've been through an awful termination due to medical reasons, and I've woken up this morning after being frozen with him touching me last night, and not said a word to him, and unless I bring it up he won't acknowledge it.
I feel like I can't leave as I can't afford the house on my own, and also all things aside he is a fantastic dad to our children.
I also confided in my mum about it and she basically told me he is a great man and to get over it so I feel I have no support and will be made put to be the bad guy.

Also to add we moved 6 hours away from both our home towns so bar my parents and a few friends we have no one here.

This post made me so angry, i am furious this is happening to you.

This man is NOT a good man despite what your parents may tell you. He is raping you in your sleep and that is horrific, I am so so sorry that you are enduring this.

It is my experience that we often are kinder to others than we are to ourselves, if your best friend, a family member or (in the future) one of your children confessed this was happening to them (with their future spouse) what would you tell them to do? Stick it out as he's a good man in most other areas - I doubt it.

Please go to your local citizens advice bureau and seek free legal advice and support about how to proceed with getting him out of your house and out of your life. What he is doing is against the law, men have been convicted of raping their wives for doing this. You should not have to endure this torture at the hands of someone who is meant to care for you and put your needs above his own. What if he did it to one of your children next?!

Please, do not tell him you are doing any of this, leave your mobile behind in case he is tracking it, cover all bases just in case. Remove relevant searches from your browser history every time you log off.

You stated bought that house you and your family live in with your inheritance money. That is your money, not joint money no matter if you are married. Do not believe him if he tells you otherwise.

You write he behaved well (and didn't grape you in your sleep) while the house was being purchased and now he feels safe to return to his normal abhorrent behaviour thinking he has feet under the table in a house? No, that is unacceptable.

It is safe to do I would get a handyperson in to put a strong lock and bolt on your spare room door and sleep in there until you can get him out.

He has done this - not you. His actions have caused harm and the breakdown of his marriage/family.

None of this is your fault, anything that happens is a consequence of his actions. Please be careful and please get away from him.

 

[BearOnChair]

It is probably a sleep disorder. Similar to sleep walking. My husband will move furniture and all sorts while he's asleep and doesn't remember any of it when he wakes up!

It's not a sleep disorder, it's assault.

 

[biscuitthief]

I'm sorry you are going through this @CelinaRoger. I can tell this is really affecting your mental health. You are not overreacting - I would feel the same if this was happening to me. My initial reaction is GET OUT OF THERE! What your husband is doing is wrong!

You have had replies suggesting possible sleep disorder - If he is claiming to not remember/know he is doing it, you could demand he see a medical professional in order to start treatment for any underlying disorder that may be causing him to behave this way during sleep. As this is impacting your sleep and health, sleeping separately might be the best idea (and bolt the door!) If he truly has a sleep disorder, he should be willing to seek help in order to stop the behaviour.

You know your husband better than anyone and you have a much better idea as to whether or not he is telling the truth when he says he doesn't know he is doing it. I know someone who's husband suffers with sexsomnia and he has no clue whatsoever the next day when she tells him he tried to do x y z during the night. None. He was horrified and disgusted with himself when she told him the first time! The fact you say your husband has previously said to you that he doesn't know why he does it and the fact you say he seems to be careful not to wake you suggests to me there is consciousness when he does this. I genuinely felt really uncomfortable reading this in your post. You do not deserve to be treated this way.

If he is doing this on purpose (for whatever reason) and you do not consent to it and he doesn't stop when you tell him to THAT IS NOT OKAY! I am sorry to say but he is sexually assaulting you and you really should contact the police. There is the option of a Non Molestation Order or Occupation Order which would prevent your husband from contacting/living with you. It is your house from your inheritence - he doesn't have the right to stay put. A NMO or OO will see to that.

It may also be an idea to contact Women's Aid for advice. https://www.womensaid.org.uk/ https://refuge.org.uk has some useful info and you can contact them via online chat if you need help. Make sure you delete your browsing history, cookies etc. Make sure your husband isn't around when you do this - just to be safe.

Please be careful and stay safe. You have done nothing wrong here - do not let anyone dismiss you.

 

[BearOnChair]

I feel like I can't leave as I can't afford the house on my own, and also all things aside he is a fantastic dad to our children.
I also confided in my mum about it and she basically told me he is a great man and to get over it so I feel I have no support and will be made put to be the bad guy.

I'm sorry this is happening to you and your mum said that too. I don't believe you can be a great dad if you don't respect your kids mum.

I agree with the above post, it's time to leave x

 

[Suzesnooze]

It's not a sleep disorder, it's assault.

As someone else mentioned. Sexsomnia is a possibility.

 

[biscuitthief]

As someone else mentioned. Sexsomnia is a possibility.

Only if he has no awareness or memory of his actions whilst in that state. Which I doubt from what OP is saying.

What is important here is that OP does not like what her husband is doing to her. It is making her stressed, anxious and frightened. She says her husband doesn't respect her or listen to her. She needs him to stop.

 

[CelinaRoger]

Thank you all for your replies I appreciate them all and they have given me a lot of things to consider.
If it was something like sexsomnia, then would he remember it? As I know for certain that he always remembers it, he knows exactly what has happened.

 

[biscuitthief]

Thank you all for your replies I appreciate them all and they have given me a lot of things to consider.
If it was something like sexsomnia, then would he remember it? As I know for certain that he always remembers it, he knows exactly what has happened.

He wouldn't have any recollection at all. My friend's husband only knows he has done it when she tells him the next morning. He has no awareness at all during and afterwards.

I hope you can be free of this. I can't imagine how horrible this must be for you.

 

[Suzesnooze]

Thank you all for your replies I appreciate them all and they have given me a lot of things to consider.
If it was something like sexsomnia, then would he remember it? As I know for certain that he always remembers it, he knows exactly what has happened.

No he wouldn’t remember it.

What did you used to say to him when you’d wake up to him doing it?

I would suggest making him sleep on the sofa until he moves out.

 

[Anastasia B]

I am so sorry this is happening to you. This is abuse, this is not sexsomnia or other excuses. Go to the police explain to them what is happening. Seek legal aid and see about getting a barring order. The line about keeping the children screams narcissism. I recommend ringing your local women's aid they will guide you through it all in a non judgemental way. None of this is your fault. I worry for both you and your children. You deserve to feel safe in your own home.

 

[CelinaRoger]

No he wouldn’t remember it.

What did you used to say to him when you’d wake up to him doing it?

I would suggest making him sleep on the sofa until he moves out.

I used to move to a different room or tell him to stop, he used to say he was " trying to wake me up" which he wasn't at all.

 

[Suzesnooze]

I used to move to a different room or tell him to stop, he used to say he was " trying to wake me up" which he wasn't at all.

Odd way to wake somebody up!

I hope he does as you ask and moves out.

 

[Hollie Day]

Sexomnia my a. Surely he would be appalled and embarrassed on being informed about what he's doing and would be apologetic and offer to seek help.
The fact that he doesn't care that its causing you distress , continues to argue about it, and then threatens to take the kids off you if tell speaks volumes.
Pity the women who accept the sleep disorder rit that was probably made up by a male think tank so more men can get off with assaults.

 

[judgejohndeed]

OP do not suggest sexsomnia to him. This is not what it is and I don't know why people keep going on about it. You have argued about this issue in the past - you have not said that he has ever said he doesn't remember. He knows full well what he is doing and this is assault.

You need to go and get legal advice because there are certainly ways of getting him out of the house, not allowed back, and for you to have occupation of the house. I am so sorry that you have no support from your Mum either. There are lots of grape crisis helplines etc that you can call for help, support, or just a listening ear - please make use of these whenever you feel like you need to talk to someone who will believe you and support you 100%

 

[biscuitthief]

I used to move to a different room or tell him to stop, he used to say he was " trying to wake me up" which he wasn't at all.

Please get some legal advice asap. You need to get him out of your house. If you feel that you are in danger or at risk right now, please call the police.

If you feel you can't speak to the police, please try and get in contact with a womens aid organisation or a sexual assault referral centre who will be able to advise you. Your local SARC can put you in contact with a specialist police officer and refer you for mental health support to help you through this.