Toxic Parents

[FrostyChops]

Hi, thought l would check in and offer my support to anyone struggling with difficult, toxic or whatever parents!

 

[under the ivy]

I find my mum wants to do things with me and I’ll happily go a long with it to try and spend time with her, but 9 times out of 10 she will shout at me in public. If I’m in a shop with her, say Primark, she walks off so I keep on looking round. 10 minutes later she is shouting my name at the top of her voice, like I’m a 5 year old she has lost. It’s really embarrassing. I ignore it but everyone is looking! I’m 28 years old, I end up walking off now. It’s like she is trying to cause a scene?

I planned on taking her shopping/drinks for her 50th this year but I imagine the above will happen, which sets my anxiety off.

 

[cotdotton]

On the whole my parents have been loving but there was so much toxic anxiety all the time in the house that made me feel on edge all the time and it wasn’t until I moved out that I realised how much the anxiety in the house was affecting me physically and mentally. In my case it’s not been a malicious thing but one of my parents always brought home work stress and never did anything to calm down, so dinners were eaten in silence, or doors were slammed, snippy remarks made if we got under their feet whilst they were feeling stressed, critiscism of our behaviour was given out of proportion to that actual issue, because tensions high. They felt they were above counselling for their anxiety and didn’t get help from a doctor either, so there was always something being worried about. I never felt like I could relax, couldn’t afford to leave, etc when I was going through school and uni. Even now in my early 30s and having lived away from them for the best part of 8 years, I still find myself coaching myself out of some anxious responses that I can trace back to that time. I felt I could breathe again when I left. On paper they are supportive parents, encouraged me to do well at school, go to after school clubs etc, they just seemed to have a cognitive dissonance that the atmosphere at home was so tense. Now, I have a better relationship with one other the other, they are still together but when I visit, the anxious tensions are still there to the point I dread going round (before Covid).

You have literally described my situation down to a tee. The slamming doors and the tense atmosphere are exactly how my house felt and along with the out of proportion criticism, it was an awful place. I genuinely felt like a weight was off my shoulders when I bought my own house and I probably never realised how much the awful atmosphere affected me until I had the relaxation of my own house to compare it to.

 

[tskiry56]

The only advice I can give is if he ever brings it up, listen and talk to him about it. So many things happened to me that when I tried to speak to my mum about she either didn't want to discuss it, told me 'others have it worse' or it was brushed under the carpet for everyone to forget about but me. That has been the real struggle for me, and therefore whenever something does happen I keep it bottle up because I never had that safe space to talk about it.

Thank you! He does say that odd thing sometimes usually after he has seen him.
He had play therapy a couple of years ago and I have always been honest with him about things obviously child appropriate.
I went to counselling myself and also had CBT and it helped me deal with a lot of the trauma that comes from dv.
I hope you get support it’s never too late to! No one can ever compare what you went through and the impact it’s had on your life.

 

[MunHun]

Hi all

coming on over after posting on the other thread.

I’m feeling really desperate for the mental health team to contact me. I’ve been referred for PTSD stemming from my shitty childhood. I have regular awful dreams where I am trying to escape the house and get social services to rehome me. And daily flashbacks.
I’m experiencing so much anxiety that I feel surreal and like I’m floating.

I’m not an expert in any shape or form but it sounds like you may be experiencing disassociation, it can be the minds way of switching off from trauma. I’m so sorry to hear you are suffering

 

[MunHun]

Hi all,
I also have an extremely difficult mother. She definitely suffers from some mental health issues and anxiety. I was always looked after from a money and clothes point of view when I was growing up but emotional support was non-existent.
When I started a job that I was basically pushed into taking by her, I struggled with my mental health. I used food as a comfort and probably put on 10 lbs- a stone as a result. I felt out of my depth in the job and I worked ridiculous hours. One night she asked me what was wrong with me and why was I putting on so much weight. I confided in her that I wasn’t happy in the job and I knew I’d been eating more than normal. Her reply was to roar at me to know why I was so fat (9 1/2 stone max even with weight on) and asked if I was pregnant.
She has criticised how I look, that my hair/clothes etc were awful. I’ve been told that people laugh at me behind my back and I had no real friends. If I did the smallest thing wrong I’d be roared and shouted at. I have honestly never met someone so critical which led me to doubt myself and always feel everything bad that happened my was my own fault.
My childhood and even the time until I bought my house last year consisted of me being on constant edge about what the next thing I’d do wrong would be. She has also had episodes of calling me a liar for no good reason.
Last month when I went home for a family dinner, I saw her eyeing me up and down so knew in my head she didn’t like my outfit. I found myself making sure I wasn’t left on my own with her at any stage.
In my 20s and over the last few years I’ve began to deal with it better. I’m quiet good at not taking comments personally but my life has changed so much for the better since I bought my own house.
I’ve done jobs around by myself which is something that I’d never be able to do according to her for as long as I can remember.
It still upsets me thinking about some awful experiences and when I told my boyfriend some of it I got really really upset so it has impacted me and probably always will.

I’m sorry to hear about your relationship with your mother but I’m so happy that you have some very positive things happening in your life that you can build on.

 

[Badabing101]

Does anyone else find that these mothers whilst being unavailable to mother you, expect you to provide emotional support and care to them? My mum does. She offloads on me, she is very negative and whinges all the time. It’s absolutely draining.

Just reading your posts... are you my sister?!?
My mum is exactly like this. It’s so draining. Solidarity.

 

[MunHun]

The emotional blackmail card, works a treat for them, i to also get the guilty feeling when i set boundaries, its very conflicting emotions

It’s like they condition us to feel responsible for them. And yes @Gym&Tonic it is true in my case too. My mother had her own damaging childhood and I do feel that her emotional growth was severely stunted because of this.

 

[tskiry56]

You sound like a fab mother!

Aww thank you! For a very long time I felt like an awful mum after I left I always questioned why I didn’t have the guts to leave sooner!
I look at my life now and wonder how I got through it and I’m thankful for being so strong for my son who now has a positive male role model in his life in my partner.

 

[Red hair dont care]

I’m sorry for everyone who has shared their story for the pain that you have all suffered and how that affects you to this day. It is true our childhood shapes our whole lives and it’s hard to shake deep rooted behaviours. To this day I would be by default a very detached and cold person unless you knew me well, it takes me so long to let my guard down. Peoples first impressions of me are always that I’m stuck up and that couldn’t be further from the truth I’m actually petrified most of the time. I found having my first child really turned my life around for the better, it made me so aware of habits, emotions and patterns. I am a warm affectionate parent and I wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s the only part of my life that feels completely natural and not like I’m forcing something. I do have a wonderful partner who knows how I am and is very patient with me which has also helped me heal so much but I think I will always feel like the odd one out in social situations.

You are a good one MunHun

 

[Zoe88]

Just reviving this thread as have to vent

My parents say they're going to do something for me or siblings and they'll mention it a few times and then when it comes to it, nothing. It's happened a few times and it's mainly to do with money. The thing is, I never ask for these things, they offer them out of nowhere and they repeat it (this one that's needed me to vent has been said throughout my life) a fair few times. The most recent one not only has it now not been mentioned but I have brought it up and they're playing dumb!! It's so infuriating! I don't understand it! I'm not mad about the money, it's the promise that doesn't follow through and the playing dumb today has just left me in complete wonder about what the hell they are upto?! What is this called and does anyone else's parents do this?

 

[Clojo92]

Thank you! He does say that odd thing sometimes usually after he has seen him.
He had play therapy a couple of years ago and I have always been honest with him about things obviously child appropriate.
I went to counselling myself and also had CBT and it helped me deal with a lot of the trauma that comes from dv.
I hope you get support it’s never too late to! No one can ever compare what you went through and the impact it’s had on your life.

You sound like a fab mother!

 

[curious truth seeker]

I have had a lovely weekend enjoying the sunshine with my boyfriend and friends. I feel I should visit my parents but is it awful that I don’t really want to? The atmosphere at home is terrible and if my parents have been fighting during the day the tension is so bad. Either that or they start bickering within 10 minutes of me arriving in the door. I feel like I don’t want that to be a dampener on a fantastic weekend but yet I feel I need to call there out of duty and guilt. Can anybody relate?

i remember when I was under 16 and still living at home I never took friends round for that reason, the atmosphere in the household was toxic and I was embrassed that my father would perv on my friends, to this day I find it difficult to have friends over but Iam perfectly comfy at their house
So no I don’t blame you at all, we have to look after ourselves and if they disrupt and upset your well-being they are to be avoided
Whether related or not

 

[Red hair dont care]

I have a love/hate relationship with my Mum. I had to move back home after my break-up last year (which I’m grateful for) but it’s hard some days. I’ve got her temper and we do clash! I won’t go into detail but I was pretty much brought up by my Nana as my Mum used to go out on a Friday and re-appear on a Monday. She knocked that on the head when she had my brother - since he was born she’s told me quite a few times I was a ‘mistake’.

Our relationship has improved since I’ve got older but I still hold some issues.

We are similar with harsh words being said to us. Plus same with holding issues its resentment. That fact those words were said I can never forget. I live with her too, so tension definitely exists.
Just put up with it sadly.