Toxic Parents

[MunHun]

Does anyone else find that these mothers whilst being unavailable to mother you, expect you to provide emotional support and care to them? My mum does. She offloads on me, she is very negative and whinges all the time. It’s absolutely draining.

Yes mine has always expected me to understand things from her point of view even when I was too young to understand anything. I realised very quickly that a lot of what my mother did, did not make sense so I was always very confused around her. She always used to get hysterically upset about things which set of my anxiety and made me switch off my emotions. As I got older she felt entitled to expect so much from me and even though I told her countless times I did not want to do A, B & C for her it would go over her head or she would get hysterically upset knowing I would just go along with things so she would stop. I’ve realised it was a form of emotional blackmail and I’ve learned to set boundaries but I do suffer from a massive guilt complex. I’m happy to say that as I’ve gotten older it’s gotten easier to step away from her and not let her inside my head.

 

[tskiry56]

I have read most of these posts and some are heartbreaking how you have been treated by your parents.
I often worry that when my son is older that he will turn against me. He is 7 now but when he was 2-3 witnessed his dad hurt me, he also used to hear the way he would talk to me.
He only sees his dad once a fortnight now and I have no contact with him.
It’s sad how some parents can treat there children when they should be lucky to have them!

 

[bunnyboo]

I have a mother who has (what I suspect to be) narcissistic personality disorder. I don't have much positive or negative to say about my father. He's an emotionally distant enabler.

I'm apologise in advance for my essay length analysis below, but I only realised that she has NPD when I read a post someone made on Reddit about their Narc mother. It made me feel less alone, and it always empowered me to understand her issues and how I deal with them. So, if any of this sounds like your mother/father, you might be dealing with a narcissistic personality.

• My mother is extremely arrogant, cold and egotistical. In her mind, she's 'special' and above everyone else. When other people don't treat her with the respect and grandeur she believes she's entitled to, her egotistical ass thinks it's because they don't get how great/special she is
• She will gaslight the absolute shit out of you to the point where you begin to think you are the problem, you are crazy etc. I have mental health problems and she has convinced me on numerous occasions that I'm making them up, I'm looking for attention, obsessed with labelling myself etc. She also questions every element of trauma I suffered with as a child (i.e. "that never happened, you're re-writing history)
• Every aspect of life and persona is calculated move. She paints an image of herself as a devout Catholic church going do-gooder that goes to Africa every year to 'help' the poor (lol I'm sorry but no-one can tell me that missionary work isn't poorly disguised colonialism). And yet behind closed doors, she's a raging monster that has the capacity to be extremely cruel
• Her victim complex drives me crazy. She has a job and she's always coming home in a bad mood saying she's being 'bullied'. Every. God. Damn. Year. And yet she lacks the logical reasoning to see that she is the common denominator in every single (almost monthly) episode of 'bullying'
• Her competitiveness is also really problematic. She couldn't handle the fact that I'm the most 'educated' one in the family (I got a masters degree), so she enrolled in a college a few months after I graduated to do her own masters. I hate to admit this, but it was kind of a silent victory for me as I graduated first in my class with 1.1.. she barely scraped a pass in her one. A nice slice of humble pie hahaha
• Probably the worst of all though... she does not have the capacity to love without conditions. She didn't love me when I was a teenager struggling with anorexia. She didn't love me when I had a nervous breakdown and had to take a break from university. She loves me now because I have a 'good' job and am completing a PhD

The worst part about all this is I still love her. I don't like her behaviour. Nor do I like the way she treats me. She had an extremely difficult upbringing. The route of her issues is she's extremely damaged and is ultimately scared of showing any vulnerability. But all that stuff aside, believe me when I say she has made my life very difficult.

And look... for what it's worth, I know I have my issues. I have borderline personality disorder. I know I can be difficult. But at least I can demonstrate some fucking self awareness lol.

 

[btw]

I find it hard to explain the relationships with my parents as there both very nice, loving people in day to day life so people never understand my view point.
my mums been a great mum in terms of we’ve always been clean and healthy but she’s very emotionally distant with serious things... for an example, whenever I’ve tried to discuss my feelings in general or maybe a way she’s upset me. She’ll become the victim of how stressful it is working and being a single parent instead of listening and trying to see if there’s any thing she can do to help. I appreciate it’s tricky to be a working single parent but as a single parent myself, if my son ever approached me and said “look mum this kind of upset me” I’d never throw in his face I’m a single mum I can’t do it all. I’d listen and reflect on my behaviour to see where I could do better next time.
My dad had a very unloving upbringing so he clearly has found it hard to be a loving father. He’s always be present physically but in terms of father daughter relationship I’ve never experienced that bond that I see many others have.
Theyve both done their best but some of their behaviour has caused me to be very cautious in how I raise my son as I don’t want him to feel some of the things ive felt.
I think often people don’t realise how such minor things during childhood can shape and affect you in the future.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

My mother is a textbook narcissist. My elder sister is the golden child and always got the attention and praise. Anything I did was met with a, 'Hmmm,' and condescending glare. My home life was toxic so I moved out as soon as I got a job (at 17), which made my mother loathe me even more. My first job was as Office Junior working for a merchant bank; she was so, so jealous. She'd constantly "pop in" to my place of work which was not only embarrassing, but it was inappropriate - and it was frowned upon by my employers which, after telling her was the case, made her do it even more!

Like others who previously posted, my mother is extremely critical of other women. She will be watching someone on TV and say, "I don't like that tart," - stuff like that. Or, worse, give people evil glares when out in public - people she doesn't even know! It's just such odd behaviour. When she talks about people from other cultures, she'll refer to them as "their people" and if she finds out someone is in a same-sex relationship she'll screw her nose up and say they're "dirty."

Fast forward many years and my sister is living far, far away and my mother is still living in the very large, two-storey, family home but in her late 70s and really needing to downsize. Guess where she wants to live, and guess who's feeling pressure from other family members for that to happen? I'm like, "NOOOO," but my husband thinks it would be doable, if we built her a separate dwelling on our land. I just know in my heart of hearts that she would try and ruin my marriage, friendships, quality of life - everything. She's a very mean-spirited person and will never change. But then I'm conflicted with thinking she probably doesn't have much longer and I'm being mean ... it's so bloody stressful.

You are definitely not being mean, the reason you feel like you're being mean is because you are a nice person. You can bet our parents don't feel mean when they're spreading their poison.

I know how you feel though, I sometimes catch myself wondering if I'm being mean to my dad by going non contact.

It sounds like the only advantage to her living with you would be that you wouldn't feel guilty?

 

[Silverback]

Hi all

coming on over after posting on the other thread.

I’m feeling really desperate for the mental health team to contact me. I’ve been referred for PTSD stemming from my shitty childhood. I have regular awful dreams where I am trying to escape the house and get social services to rehome me. And daily flashbacks.
I’m experiencing so much anxiety that I feel surreal and like I’m floating.

 

[emmer_moans]

On the whole my parents have been loving but there was so much toxic anxiety all the time in the house that made me feel on edge all the time and it wasn’t until I moved out that I realised how much the anxiety in the house was affecting me physically and mentally. In my case it’s not been a malicious thing but one of my parents always brought home work stress and never did anything to calm down, so dinners were eaten in silence, or doors were slammed, snippy remarks made if we got under their feet whilst they were feeling stressed, critiscism of our behaviour was given out of proportion to that actual issue, because tensions high. They felt they were above counselling for their anxiety and didn’t get help from a doctor either, so there was always something being worried about. I never felt like I could relax, couldn’t afford to leave, etc when I was going through school and uni. Even now in my early 30s and having lived away from them for the best part of 8 years, I still find myself coaching myself out of some anxious responses that I can trace back to that time. I felt I could breathe again when I left. On paper they are supportive parents, encouraged me to do well at school, go to after school clubs etc, they just seemed to have a cognitive dissonance that the atmosphere at home was so tense. Now, I have a better relationship with one other the other, they are still together but when I visit, the anxious tensions are still there to the point I dread going round (before Covid).

 

[Gossipinggal]

Yes I got told in a fit of anger over something completely trivial that I was an accident. I’ll never forget that it was like a punch to the gut as it was said with such venom. I’ve learned after many many therapy sessions not to expect my mother to mother me. It took an awful lot of work but I have learned not to tell her my problems as I had always hoped she would have something reassuring or comforting to say, she never once did. Anything she did say back would make me feel worse than whatever the original thing did.

Im so sorry to hear this. We are conditioned to think all mothers are maternal from when we are born, as children we feel unloved and that we are the only ones that have strange mothers,which simply isn't the case. It has such a lasting affect doesnt it. I remember being so envious of the relationships my friends had with their mothers. It was painful.

 

[petitspois]

I'm 41, haven't spoken to my parents in about 5 or 6 years now (most of you have probably seen my post on the celeb gossip thread) They're both in their 70's now and to the best of my knowledge are both fit and healthy, but I will NOT, under ANY circumstances be looking after them if they need it when they get older.

When I was a helpless child, my parents didn't show me love, affection or care. Instead all I got was physical, mental and emotional abuse. I was used as a constant punchbag (figuratively and literally) and my needs were never met. If I was upset about something, instead of being soothed and consoled, I was laughed at, ridiculed (especially in front of others) and constantly told I was a f***king idiot, yet they continue to claim that they never did anything wrong, that I'm lying about it and that 'that didn't happen'

Before I stopped contact, my mother would constantly tell me that "We could be dead in the morning and you'd be sorry then". Constantly try and make me feel guilty for standing up for myself and make out that I was the one in the wrong.

I will NOT look after them in their old age and I will NOT let them make me feel guilty about it.

@1001 others, please please don't let your mother guilt you into looking after her and don't let her come and live with you under any circumstances. Why is your husband suggesting this? Is he aware of how you were treated by her?

I think your attitude is spot on. You weren't even looked after, let alone prioritised so why should you care for them? it's not as if they will come to their senses and it will be a happy ever after, that's just not possible with people like that. To look after them when they are very old would just perpetuate their abuse.

 

[MunHun]

I have similar conflicting emotions. I'm not sure if my mother is a narc I think it's more to do with her life and a long held resentment. Her childhood was strict and religious. She escaped to do her nurses training in London and was loving her life. Then her parents had a surprise baby and she was forced back home to look after him. She hated it. Unfortunately she then fell pregnant with me and to save face married my dad, (he was aware that I wasn't his, she doesn't know who my father is).
For all of my life this has been my fault. She was trapped and unhappy and nasty to me, my friends, anyone who ever praised me was knocked down. She loved to embarrass me in public. My two younger sisters also suffered but maybe not as badly. We all walked on egg shells though as she was often angry at us for no good reason. We all left home at 17 but now my sisters are far and wide and I'm left with the looking after my parents as they are now both in their eighties. My most conflicting emotion is that I don't want to be there, and I get really angry. I would put them both in an old people's home but my mum would be the most hated resident as she is still rude and obnoxious. Also my sisters are thinking about their inheritance. She now sits in her chair day in and day out expecting to be waited on by me and my dad. I haven't explained this very well but don't want to look after her and I don't see why I should. But am I now being as bad as her with built up resentment? I know there are no answers but I feel that if I tried to explain how much I hate my mum irl I would be the one in the wrong. Sorry for the long post.

Your not bad for holding resentment. Your human. Be kind to yourself in this situation your Mother never gave you what you needed but expects you do give her everything she wants from you. It’s very unfair.

 

[Gossipinggal]

Great thread. My mum is difficult, she’s also a (barely) functioning alcoholic. I find she’s getting even worse as she gets older and I’m already having nightmares about what she’ll be like at 80.

Its extremely difficult isnt it, i had alot of anger towards my mother, also an alcoholic. What upsets me most is when something good happens in my life, she will have a meltdown or create drama or become very down.

 

[bunnyboo]

@bunnyboo your borderline personality disorder was more than likely caused by her poor parenting of you.

100% agree, a person's relationship with their parents and family has a strong influence on how they come to see the world and what they believe about other people.

I'm trying to break this toxic cycle. My mother's parents were the emotionally distant, negligent alcoholics. My own mother is a raging narcissist. And none of these people would ever accept that they have a problem, much less even entertain the idea of therapy. I'm doing my best to break this by going to therapy and facing my demons. I can't change other people's behaviour (very hard lesson to learn IMO), but I can change myself and how I deal with others.

 

[Gym&Tonic]

@bunnyboo your borderline personality disorder was more than likely caused by her poor parenting of you.

 

[Gym&Tonic]

Part of the problem is that my mum didn’t have the best of childhoods herself. She didn’t live with her parents until she was two because my grandmother was ill. Then when she went back to them they massively favoured her sister over her. Not that this excuses that, but it’s been passed down through the generations.

 

[MunHun]

100% agree, a person's relationship with their parents and family has a strong influence on how they come to see the world and what they believe about other people.

I'm trying to break this toxic cycle. My mother's parents were the emotionally distant, negligent alcoholics. My own mother is a raging narcissist. And none of these people would ever accept that they have a problem, much less even entertain the idea of therapy. I'm doing my best to break this by going to therapy and facing my demons. I can't change other people's behaviour (very hard lesson to learn IMO), but I can change myself and how I deal with others.

The hardest thing I’ve come to terms with is I can’t fix what’s broken inside of anyone else. I used to think if I just did this, that or the other then everything will be better. I had to learn through therapy, trial and error not to expect. As that was what was ultimately hurting me this expectation that one day things would be different. Changing yourself will be the best thing you’ll ever do for yourself as you create the boundaries

 

[Gym&Tonic]

Its extremely difficult isnt it, i had alot of anger towards my mother, also an alcoholic. What upsets me most is when something good happens in my life, she will have a meltdown or create drama or become very down.

The sad thing is she was a very good parent in practical ways. We were always clean and had food in our bellies, if we need money for anything she’ll give it in a heartbeat. Stuff like that. But she is jealous and over sensitive to criticism or what she perceives to be criticism and has an overwhelming need to be in control of everything around her. I feel as though I’m in a constant battle of wills with her and can never truly be myself in her presence.

 

[under the ivy]

I have a love/hate relationship with my Mum. I had to move back home after my break-up last year (which I’m grateful for) but it’s hard some days. I’ve got her temper and we do clash! I won’t go into detail but I was pretty much brought up by my Nana as my Mum used to go out on a Friday and re-appear on a Monday. She knocked that on the head when she had my brother - since he was born she’s told me quite a few times I was a ‘mistake’.

Our relationship has improved since I’ve got older but I still hold some issues.

 

[Gym&Tonic]

Great thread. My mum is difficult, she’s also a (barely) functioning alcoholic. I find she’s getting even worse as she gets older and I’m already having nightmares about what she’ll be like at 80.

 

[Gossipinggal]

Yes mine has always expected me to understand things from her point of view even when I was too young to understand anything. I realised very quickly that a lot of what my mother did, did not make sense so I was always very confused around her. She always used to get hysterically upset about things which set of my anxiety and made me switch off my emotions. As I got older she felt entitled to expect so much from me and even though I told her countless times I did not want to do A, B & C for her it would go over her head or she would get hysterically upset knowing I would just go along with things so she would stop. I’ve realised it was a form of emotional blackmail and I’ve learned to set boundaries but I do suffer from a massive guilt complex. I’m happy to say that as I’ve gotten older it’s gotten easier to step away from her and not let her inside my head.

The emotional blackmail card, works a treat for them, i to also get the guilty feeling when i set boundaries, its very conflicting emotions

 

[cotdotton]

I have had a lovely weekend enjoying the sunshine with my boyfriend and friends. I feel I should visit my parents but is it awful that I don’t really want to? The atmosphere at home is terrible and if my parents have been fighting during the day the tension is so bad. Either that or they start bickering within 10 minutes of me arriving in the door. I feel like I don’t want that to be a dampener on a fantastic weekend but yet I feel I need to call there out of duty and guilt. Can anybody relate?